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Hi LoveMy W,

I think a lot of us can run the spectrum from hopeless to confident all within the space of the day or even hours. Regardless, feeling hopeless will not help. You will see a lot of people on these boards reference keeping a PMA (positive menatl attitude) and it really is critical for your own mental health and for your kids.

Hang in there!


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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Thanks for the reply Raliced..

Yeah I know PMA is a big thing, and the roller coaster is still happening (I'm not quite 8 weeks in yet), but it seems like every minute is another step further away..

Yep, I'm having a down couple of hours but I'll pick up shortly!!.. I keep hearing her say "move on, find someone else", and that isn't what I want to do..

Makes it worse (or better depending how you look at it) that there isn't OM in the picture (never has been) and that she seems happy living this single life.. In all honesty I don't think I was that bad for her to throw away 10 years just like that..

I am genuinely hoping she has a "separation fog", and that I haven't pushed her away forever..

Vent/sook moment over!!..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
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Keep in mind as you look through the various signatures on these boards that 8 weeks (which is almost the exact length of my situation) is nothing (although I can attest that it feels like forever). Whatever our various Walk Away Spouses are going through, it is obviously a major crisis in their lives(if not THE major crisis in their life), and really, in that context, 8 weeks is not very long at all.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
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I agree with raliced. 8 weeks, in the scheme of things really isn't much BUT I will say that 2.5 months since BD for me and there is a LOT more clarity in my day-to-day life. Almost like I was in my own "separation fog". Now I am calm, don't cry really, I am not angry and I see very clearly what the issues are, how to fix them (specifically for some and generally for others), what I want to do differently, etc.

There is freedom in separation, as much as it hurts. It really is a gift of time and I intend fully not to waste one single minute.

Granted, my WAH is NOT nutty and behaving like a lunatic like some WAS are on this board so I am fortunate in that department. Also, it is pretty clear to me that I was NOT a fun wife to have. I know that and I hate it but I am committed to never being that person again. Easy to say, hard to do.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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LoveMyW,

Taking off the ring, changing Facebook name, changing hair style are all typical WAS behavior. The behavior exhibited is equal to a 16 year old spoiled brat that wants the single life fun, but the married life stability and financial support. The thought process of a WAS will be inconsistent, dramatic and will change suddenly.

Do not get hung up on what they say, because again they're 16 and rebelling against mom and dad (you). The actions can sometimes show their old self but for my situation this was almost as unreliable as the few, choice words my soon to be ex-W used.

As for my situation, my ex is bi-polar, is currently living/using some dude she works with and last I heard was using cocaine. This was not the first time and will not be the last as she burns through friends and acquaintances, sometimes a WAS needs to get kicked around to really appreciate what they lost.

You seem to love your W and your M, go for it. I gave up at the mention of cocaine, drugs are a no game.



"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
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Originally Posted By: raliced
Keep in mind as you look through the various signatures on these boards that 8 weeks (which is almost the exact length of my situation) is nothing (although I can attest that it feels like forever). Whatever our various Walk Away Spouses are going through, it is obviously a major crisis in their lives(if not THE major crisis in their life), and really, in that context, 8 weeks is not very long at all.


I agree.. 8 weeks isn't much time overall (especially when the rest of our lives together are at stake), and as much as she isn't showing it on the outside, I will bet that she can't be feeling as "carefree" and "problem-less" as it comes across.. My W is a VERY headstrong person (part of the attraction!!) and she wouldn't show the hurt to me (or anyone else for that matter)..

Originally Posted By: Ss06
I agree with raliced. 8 weeks, in the scheme of things really isn't much BUT I will say that 2.5 months since BD for me and there is a LOT more clarity in my day-to-day life. Almost like I was in my own "separation fog". Now I am calm, don't cry really, I am not angry and I see very clearly what the issues are, how to fix them (specifically for some and generally for others), what I want to do differently, etc.

There is freedom in separation, as much as it hurts. It really is a gift of time and I intend fully not to waste one single minute.

Granted, my WAH is NOT nutty and behaving like a lunatic like some WAS are on this board so I am fortunate in that department. Also, it is pretty clear to me that I was NOT a fun wife to have. I know that and I hate it but I am committed to never being that person again. Easy to say, hard to do.


SS, I am starting to see some clarity myself now, but some moments are worse than others.. Funny enough, I haven't been angry over the situation.. I guess this is because I have sought IC to control myself better (not that I was out of hand), and have tried to show nothing but kindness and compassion to my W and kids..

I will also agree with you that my W isn't half as bad as some of the things I read, and at least w have good communication (which is why I have chosen LC over NC).. I can't wait to move closer to the kids as it will give me a better chance to GAL, because as much as I'm trying now, there isn't much to do where I am currently located!!..


Originally Posted By: Riley
LoveMyW,

Taking off the ring, changing Facebook name, changing hair style are all typical WAS behavior. The behavior exhibited is equal to a 16 year old spoiled brat that wants the single life fun, but the married life stability and financial support. The thought process of a WAS will be inconsistent, dramatic and will change suddenly.

Do not get hung up on what they say, because again they're 16 and rebelling against mom and dad (you). The actions can sometimes show their old self but for my situation this was almost as unreliable as the few, choice words my soon to be ex-W used.

As for my situation, my ex is bi-polar, is currently living/using some dude she works with and last I heard was using cocaine. This was not the first time and will not be the last as she burns through friends and acquaintances, sometimes a WAS needs to get kicked around to really appreciate what they lost.

You seem to love your W and your M, go for it. I gave up at the mention of cocaine, drugs are a no game.



Riley, fortunately she hasn't changed her FB name, only relationship status!!.. Yes, I understand what you are saying about acting like a spoiled brat, and now that you have said it, that is almost exactly what it is like!!..

I'm trying not to take to heart what W says but sometimes it strikes a chord.. I guess that boils back to "believe nothing said, and only 50% of what you see"..

IF she does start dating, I really hope that she doesn't get with a dropkick who will hurt her, but it may be what is needed to show her that thing in the M weren't so bad.. I'd never wish it on her, or allow it to happen for that matter, but I see what you are saying..

Yes, I do love my W, and I will go for it.. I have to remind myself that it is going to be a marathon..


Thanks for the comments and goodwill today guys!!.. My head is in a better place than what it was earlier so thanks for reading/listening to the rant!!.. I used to work in a high pressure job where I dealt with hardened people, and had to put up with physical and mental pain on an almost daily basis, but this separation stuff is more than anything I have ever dealt with before!!..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
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Love,

The muscle for dealing with loss and depression is very rarely exercised. I, likewise, work in a high stress environment and I think I do fairly well given about 6 years experience.

It would not be a surprise if a WAS is looking or found another individual but these usually do not last. They are usually full of compatibility problems, people trying to escape reality, uncommitted emotions, raw emotions, maybe drugs (at least in my case), etc... If these do happen it is almost always a drop kick to the face.

If you keep yourself civil and appropriate on ALL forms of communication, and are not cold, explicit or cruel this will also help to get the WAS to rethink their endeavor. A WAS will still act cold and cruel but do not feed their cake eating.

Positive reinforcement in all forms helps greatly, you are who your friends are. Good luck.



"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
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Originally Posted By: Riley
Love,

The muscle for dealing with loss and depression is very rarely exercised. I, likewise, work in a high stress environment and I think I do fairly well given about 6 years experience.

It would not be a surprise if a WAS is looking or found another individual but these usually do not last. They are usually full of compatibility problems, people trying to escape reality, uncommitted emotions, raw emotions, maybe drugs (at least in my case), etc... If these do happen it is almost always a drop kick to the face.

If you keep yourself civil and appropriate on ALL forms of communication, and are not cold, explicit or cruel this will also help to get the WAS to rethink their endeavor. A WAS will still act cold and cruel but do not feed their cake eating.

Positive reinforcement in all forms helps greatly, you are who your friends are. Good luck.


Very true Riley.. I suppose if that muscle got worked more it wouldn't hurt so much when it does!!..

I can unequivocally say that there is no OM at the moment.. Whether she is looking, I don't know, but there isn't anyone that is currently on the go.. I have stopped snooping after I proved my point in the earlier days of S, but there have been no red flags to say so.. If there is a current OM, she is doing a VERY good job of hiding it, and keeping her daily life identical.. I honestly don't think she is looking AT THE MOMENT either..

I am staying civil within conversation, and although I have had a couple of muck ups from "jumping the gun", none of it has been cruel, cold or overtly explicit (more flirtatious than anything)..

Myself and this site are my positive reinforcement at the moment, as I have no real friends where I currently am, and most of our friends are mutual, so I don't want to burden them with my issues.. Unfortunately, my family isn't really worth talking to about it either..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 148
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Well kind of happy days!!.. DR finally arrived today, so I know what I will be getting stuck in to tonight!!..

Had a good Facetime with the kids earlier, and went NC on the W as she seemed busy.. This will get her thinking as we usually have a little chat at the end of kids calls etc, but I left her to it.. Will be interesting to see if she contacts me later!!..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 148
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On to the third chapter of DR already.. I can see what you guys mean about it!!.. Although I'm only so early in to it, I am seeing similarities between stories in the book and my own sitch..

Got a bit of a headache kicking in now so the book is down until tomorrow.. Nothing to do with reading, but more the weather here today as it has been up and down..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
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