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Only YOU can Shining... smile


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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Hmmm, well, "ouch", T..... I could (and did), but if I did THAT, I'd be going in the wrong direction..... I don't think I should do that anymore.

My list isn't glaring at me like it was the other day. We may become friends.


M44, H44, both M before
M4 yrs, T6
BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me
H att suicide 2/14
S 4/14
OW disc 5/14
D final 4/15
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Now that you know something better, you'll do better, as UR might say...right? wink


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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***Caution, un-blonding in progress. Please cease reading if you are easily confused***












LOL, that was for you Cat. And you know I'm just giving you schidt...




Originally Posted By: Shining
Nobody can take that away, I suppose, Mach. Those are there no matter what, huh....





Actually Shining, I would agree with you, that is how it is SUPPOSED to work ....

All of the things that we discussed yesterday, and what I was working you to see...???

Is that YOU have taken all of that away from yourself, and you have done it quite freely..

To know where you are, who you are, and what you want, you have to find out who the hell you are at your core...

What are your values, your morals, what are you willing to sacrifice, what you are willing to stand for...

And when you lose yourself, and start making those kinds of choices out of emotion, instead of rational thinking...

And you choose to react, instead of just being who you are...

And when you react, you ARE taking those things away from yourself...

You cease being those things, because you are AFRAID to be those things....

Your fear is only as strong as you allow it to become...

So as you start moving forward, you need to be totally aware of the things that you want to be, and love about yourself.


And you need to find out WHY you allow yourself, to strip yourself of those qualities...

When I first started, I did it a little differently, although this will work toward what I did too.

I started by making a list of qualities that I had, that I wanted to show the world everyday, regardless the reaction that I received in return...

And I made it a point to show each of those things everyday...

I didn't expect any of them in return, yet I found myself getting them in return after a period of time....

IF you don't have any clue who you are, and what you want....

How can you expect that in return for yourself ???


So, now that you have your list...

How do you see that in yourself when you interact with others ???

What do you want to show, what do you want in return ???

As Ghandi said....

Sometimes you have to be the change that you want to see in the world....


You got this, you just gotta believe that you got this...

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It's like deja-vu all over again in here....

How much longer on this Mods ???


: )

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how are you doing, Shining? Thinking of you. smile

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uR! I'm doing well, overall, thank you. How are you?

I've been doing some homework. I believe I'm really starting to get it.

Like "get it" get it.

On a scale of "wtf just happened" to "aha moment".....I'm getting dang close.

Which means I also know my emotions are not done cycling. But that bacon is smelling vveeerrrrryyyyyyy gggoooooooooooooddd.

Btw....I'm planning a trip with my son. I'll be corrupting your neck of the woods in the next month. smile.

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Well, I lost several posts during the update...I saved them, tho. I may repost later.

I spent the weekend fairly quiet. I read a TON, journaled, did some introspection, but I also made myself get out. <<<<< For the record, I did NOT feel like it. But I did it anyway. I wasn't in deep despair. Just lacking motivation. And still a bit sad.

I had training Saturday, then I took my D13 to the mall, and to a movie. I took all kids out to dinner on Sunday. Although I spent the rest of the time alone, we had a lot of laughs this past weekend. Much needed.

Since Friday, I have only heard from H a few times by text and word games. But it is getting darker. Much....much.....darker. frown.

I anticipated for a long time, that once the house closing happened, communication would become less and less. Especially after he was all moved into his apartment. I tried to prepare myself, and I'm glad it did ....well, as much as anyone could mentally prepare, I suppose. It's all still difficult to fully accept. But it's getting less difficult.

From my understanding of MLC (hahaha....right...."understanding"), I'm guessing he has a new sense of freedom (his kids are on their own now), his "fantasy" of having his own place is now real, and he will probably try on this new single-guy persona for a while. Because, he has to. He just has to figure things out, in his own, messed-up crisis kinda way.

So, today, I started stinkin' thinkin' (Hey, fantastic idea, Shining!!! Way to undo your progress!!). Kidding....I'm still doing good.

In my imagination, I thought about all the dates he's probably planning, bringing all these Victoria's Secret model-types back to his bachelor pad..finding someone and thinking he loves her.....and then I stopped myself.

I know better. I realized this thinking isn't getting me where I want to be....it's only keeping me stuck, and hurt. I can choose to think differently. Besides.... that's not even realistic.

Even if it was happening, then that's what he wants, anyway. I'm sure he's trying to date like that....but none of that matters right now.

Why???????

I'll tell you why.

Because, whatever he does, it's not about me. And I do matter, that's why.

So I talked to myself. (GENTLY) <<< the irony of that word in all caps is just yummy.

I digress......but I listed reasons to stop thinkin' stinky.....

1. I'm not there, so I can't really know what he does at all, and assuming is pointless.
2. Even if he is dating? duh, Shining..this isn't your first day of DB. You knew this is typical of the process.
3. What is the only thing I can control in this, or any situation?
4. Does his behavior have to affect how I think of myself?
5. Do his crazy MLC choices make me less worthy of happiness?
6. Can I control or change anything he does?
7. Can I choose to stop standing anytime I want?
8. Do I love him enough to get out of his way, accept that this is his journey, and his alone?
9. Do I love ME enough to take care of myself?
10. What lessons am I both learning, and teaching my children? How do we handle life's changes? What is it that we can and cannot control?

Then I smiled. I'm getting there.




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Go, Shining! Dang, girl... you are hitting your stride. You sound great. I get the, eh... not so much up for stuff. But then when you do something you like and get out, you realize how much you enjoy it. You know... appreciation of the little things. High five, to the little things!

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Well, lookie here...I'm smilin....good on you, sweetie.

My neck of the woods, huh? Hmmm.

So wish we could meet up...

And yep, best not to let your mind wander to what he is doing. I can almost guarantee that it isnt anything at all what you are imaging.

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