I can be the lighthouse but not the tugboat

[daring]

Arrgghh- I'm grumpy again!
Today got text from H that D13 was having a rough time with math ( her hardest subject) and she failed her test and was being rude to everyone trying to help her. ( she's a pistol anyway but add the situation with H and I to her adolescence and it's like 4th of July sometimes). I also got a text from my nanny that S7 had a hard day at school, was crying a lot at minimal things and was being aggressive to two of his friends (not like him at all).
I really don't do well when my kids are having a hard time- and I get very irritable that the adult issues they shouldn't have to deal with are contributing.

When I got home H had been trying to help D13 with her math homework for a couple of hours. He was clearly out of reserve but as soon as I walked in said to me " S7 needs to talk about his day as it's pretty emotional for him and D13 needs to work on her math in order to retake her test and they haven't had dinner yet". Ummm- ok- can I walk in and catch my breath??
He at least stayed a few more minutes before leaving- when I walked outside to talk with him I said " I know you're stressed but telling me what's going on the way you did right when I walked in was a bit much" he said sorry- didnt mean to take it out on you. I said he didn't take it out on me- he wasn't mean- it just didn't set the stage positively for me to take over a try to help them.
He was understanding of that- and then said earlier D13 was being ugly and just said " what are you even doing here". He seemed almost teary when he said that. I said she's lashing out in the ways she knows will hurt- but she's also hurt by the situation.
I left it at that- those are his issues to work through- he made this choice and his kids are suffering. It's a harsh reality that makes me very angry ( especially compounded by my own issues) so I have to work very hard not to project- but I'm also not going to be the fixer and try to minimize it all.
Gotta work through my own issues on this topic as it's keeping me cycling through anger.....

[daring]

I am venting here so I don't do it anywhere else. I'm feeling down today. It's our neighbor/friend/former EA birthday today. H wrote something nice on her FB timeline. It wasn't inappropriate at all- but I'm just feeling chitty about myself and so it really bothered me.
My birthday is in two days- wonder what he will write on mine- " thanks for being a great mom to our kids- sorry I kinda love you but destroyed our family" ....
Yes I know I'm being ridiculous and that's why I'm putting it here.

I'm beginning to think the LBS' cycle more often as we reach closer to acceptance b/c despite the fact H and I aren't interacting much except for kid stuff- I feel like I'm spinning.

So on a good note I saw this on FB today and knew God meant for me to see it:
" some people have a spiritual mark on them, a designation that says " when the right thing needs to be done and no one else will do it..... You're it". People that have it will know it- they will look back on their lives and realize that whenever something was wrong, others looked to them for change. It isn't easy. Lots of times, people with that mark get worn down and tired. They just wish that someone else would be the support they could lean on in their own hard times. It doesn't work that way. They are built to stay steady even when expectations are at their highest. If you're one of those with this mark please accept my encouragement. It is hard but the joy of knowing you have pleased the One that put that mark on you surpasses any acknowledgement that another human being could ever give you. "

Wow- that is me- and I am often weary because there is no one else to lean on. At least I have a glimpse of why. And I'm reminded I need to lean on Him.

[daring]

I feel like I've been posting in flurries but there is so much emotion I'm cycling through I need to get it out somewhere. S7 is still having a hard time with emotions. I'm thinking he needs to go to therapy and my nanny even suggested he might benefit from counseling. So I'm going to look for one for him.

It really hits me and makes me sad and angry that ALL of my kids are so affected by this. S16 went through an admit for suicidal ideation and depression treatment in Feb ( thankfully thus far he is much better), D13 is an emotional and sassy adolescent on steroids, and my sweet and sensitive, caring S7 is having a hard time regulating his emotions. It feels very overwhelming and I feel like I have failed them.

So I've started reading a book from the rec reading list that I bouht a long time ago but hadn't been ready to deal with: Journey from Abandonment to Healing. It's time to dig into this as it's one of my major issues and it keeps getting triggered by watching my kids go through what they are. I hope it helps- it's good so far.

[daring]

Yet another post.....
Interesting conversation this morning. Went to S7s parent/teacher conference and called H afterwards to tell him about it. ( he had to drive other kids to school). Was very good, I really like the school headmistress.
He said it sounded similar to what the headmistress had been telling him when he picks up S7.
Then we got on the topic of how she told him she's a lesbian and had a bad marriage before and is now looking for a new relationship. I was like geez- why were you discussing all this? He said he goes early sometimes and chats. And then asked "am I surprised that he found out everything about her? " ( he prides himself in the fact that people are comfortable talking to him even though he's not terribly social) I said no not surprised. He said what then? I said it's not a fruitful conversation. He kept pushing and I said it's annoying and upsetting. He said do I think there are things he doesn't know about me? I said no- then he said or is it more that I should be paying attention to you. Then he asked is it in general or that I'm not paying attention to the day to day right now? I said yeah in general but from before, not right now at all. I also said I'm working on some major issues that are wounds related to him and then the same wounds that have nothing to do with him. He said playfully- " what you want me to take responsibility for some of the issues?" He said I know- I know you're dealing with a lot. I said I hesitated to answer because I know you are dealing with a lot and I don't have any expectations right now.
He said I couldn't right now if I tried- I'm not able to do much of anything.
I tried to ask how he was doing, was he sleeping etc- he said sort of but don't worry about me right now.
Ok......not a bad conversation- I showed that I wanted attention from him at some point but I'm letting him be for now.

I'm thinking he's in withdrawal- he looked so tired and downtrodden the last few days. But I also see more maturity, more " trying to do the right thing".
I'm so emotionally exhausted too.
I think I need to take a mental health spa vacation.....

[ForeverYoung]

You're peeking in the oven way too much, daring. Looking for any signs that he's almost done. This is understandable, we all do it, but it is not helpful.

Remember, you need to Outlast his Crisis. This is very difficult to do when watching him so closely. Let Him Go.

I'm in with the spa vacation idea. Can the headmistress join us?

What other things did you used to enjoy doing without H?

[daring]

Darn FY- I didn't think I was peeking in the oven- I thought I was doing pretty ok as this is the least interaction we have had in months. But better doesn't mean not peeking, huh?? It's really hard for me to not know what's going on with him, and also not to have him as even a friend right now. But I know he's not capable of that. He needs to take his journey.....

So I'm thinking adding the headmistress to the spa retreat might not help your sitch much?? Might help mine as I'm sure the idea of watching is appealing to most men including my H!

What did I do without H? Good question- I didn't. I've been with him since I was 17- all social stuff was together and with the kids. With me being in medical training my free time was limited and precious- so it was spent on H and kids.
The one thing I like to do that he doesn't is go out dancing- and that I have been doing more often lately.
I'm going to keep digging into the abandonment book as well. If I'm actively working on my own chit- I won't be so tempted to perseverate on him and where he's at emotionally.
This is so slowwwwwwww! I was already a very patient person but God must really think I need to be even more.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I was already a very patient person but God must really think I need to be even more.

You have no idea the depth of your patience, yet.

Instead of things you used to do before H, change it up things you wanted to do but never did.

Dancing is good, good for you body and soul.

[daring]

Jack- you are such a legend in these parts- thank you so much for stopping by!!

I know I'm getting weary and need to purchase more patience shovels and dig deep. I am also really being triggered by the " withdrawal" of my H as well as the impact of this whole sitch on my kids. My IC agrees I'm on the right track addressing my abandonment fears. Going to do some EMDR work on it as well.

So what have I always wanted to do??? I would love to take dance classes and I would love to travel more. I'm working on incorporating some short trips here and there. I also love horseback riding and need to spend more time working with my horse that D13 and I share. I have also wanted to get in shape and find boot camp to be a great stress reliever as well as good for my health. I'll keep working on these things.
In the meantime- I turn 41 tomorrow. I bought myself a new dining room set for my birthday. I know it may seem strange, especially since I'm not much of a cook. But something about H having his new place and all new stuff made me want to have some things of my own that help this be MY house not just what was OUR house ( and could still be in future).
I'm envisioning having Thanksgiving dinner with that new furniture and focusing on what I'm thankful for b/c I know there are many in much worse places than I am. Time to remember all my blessings!

[CaliGuy]

Daring ... well .. first off ... Happy Birthday! I did similar ... decided I would buy myself that Harley I have ALWAYS wanted for my Birthday, went in about a month before just to look, ended up spending 3 hours "just talking because I am not buying" to the sales guy handing me the keys.... funny thing ... when you buy all the people who work there grab the closest bike, crank it up, rev and honk the horns ... I tell you .. that moment was liberating for me I had tears in my eyes ... yeah .. all badda$$ at the Harley place and I am almost crying!!

Question ... can you explain to me the EDMR technique ... I am very curious... head alot about it.

So .. yes .. go dance .. do you ... I received advice on my thread in the past couple days... totally changed my outlook, was asked how I would act if my W died, and ya know .. totally changed how I am dealing with things, I realized I have been mourning for a year now, ... that M and that W died ... if I am going to have any future .. its new, with or without her. So I have behaved as if when I do see her its a blessing, like I get a chance to see her alive in a way, and I am living my life as if she is gone ... which she is .. and if she ever comes back its not the same girl I married anyways. .... just thought maybe this might help you aswell.

[daring]

Thank you for the b-day wishes CaliGuy!
So this wasn't an MLC Harley you purchased- right?!! And I think guys that cry ARE bada$$ ( bad boy good heart kinda thing).

So EMDR- I have found it to be very helpful for deep rooted issues. It stands for Eye movement desensitization reprogramming. Basically my IC uses " tappers" you hold in your hand that alternatively vibrate. I've also done it with the eye movements. Basically the concept is bilateral rhythmic movements are occuring while you are focused on a feeling or belief about yourself or memory and the emotional pain is able to be processed in a way that doesn't have such lazing and profound effects.
The thought is that it accesses emotional memories that may have been stored without being processed in a healthy way and we now carry around as baggage. I find it helpful when I can't quote pinpoint the issue and to get through issues faster rather than getting stuck.
I highly recommend it- just need to find a good therapist with solid training in it.

The idea about our spouse having passed away- I agree if I could do that it would help. For some reason I seem to be in a worse emotional place than I have been in many months. Maybe I've peeked the onion layers back to the deeper hurts- I don't know. But I'm trying to face the issues head on as best I can.

So one interesting interaction to describe tonight- and yes I know I need to be patient and let him go. I don't think this is the oven dinging but it's nice to see progress.

Tonight I came home to H at the house b/c my mom was locked out and then fell.
He followed me into the bathroom and kept staring at me. He had feeling in his eyes. I said what? He said happy birthday- then asked if I was ok. I said yes- he said uh uh what's wrong? I kept saying I'm fine. I tried to seem positive and said nothing I'm just workin through my issues. He kept pushing and at that moment it seemed walking away would be worse. I finally told him- I said it was hard to see nice things written about someone else on their birthday (former EA) and I'm chitty. ( he wrote something teasing me about how I'm still older than him and heading to my 50s..would have been fine if the other post hadn't been on FB to our friend 2 days before..) He looked very sad that I felt that way- I said its my issue I'm working on it. He said "its ok I wasn't sure what to say either" He started to take my hands and hold them. I said well I wouldn't say something that nice about someone else if I couldn't say something nice about you. He said I thought that I was doing good posting at midnight and making you laugh. I said its fine you were trying to be thoughtful. He said no you should expect better. I said I don't expect- he said well you should. Then he hugged me for a really long time. With those relief sighs like he does sometimes.
He said Im sorry. I said really I'm ok- it's my issue to work through. He said stop- no- I would have noticed the same thing too. I said thank you.

So I know this is not a sign of anything other than he is taking some baby steps. He's able to see my feelings and feel compassion ( evidenced by his actions) and he seems to be able to get some perspective on how the EA history impacts me deeply and appeared genuinely sorry.

Back to letting him go....