The peace offering was a very nice thing ... I laugh a bit because I think to myself ... even if I were a nutjob-MLC'r I am not thinking I would hand over anything that could be used against me as a weapon to my W who I have wronged ... lol
Reading your sitch ... I think like many of us here .. one of the challenges is wrestling with those deep emotions, processing them .. all while still appearing to our MLC-WAS as strong, positive, attractive ... when under that calm lake is the Loch Ness Monster that wants to jump out of the water and whack em with a potato peeler .... looks like you are doing well holding it together .. Kudos !!
FY- I sure hope you get a "piece" offering soon too! You are an amazing guy and deserve to be loved in your LL. As always you make me think and lake me laugh and both are much needed.
Matt- I'm sorry your sitch is where it's at right now. I read up on the issues with your D14 and I understand how hard it is when we feel our kids are affected. Sending you hugs.
CaliGuy- you cracked me up too- the visual of the Loch Ness armed with a potato peeler will be my go to when I need to hit the reset button! Im sorry you find yourself here with us but it soundsxlile you are doing pretty well yourself. I'll wander over to your thread to read more...
As an update I had IC today which was great timing. As I already knew we touched on the fact that my D13s difficulties are hitting a wound I need to heal. At a year shy of the same age I was the one who discovered my father's affair and ended up telling my mom eventually. It sparked off several years of even more dysfunctional dynamics and me caught in between two parents and lacking for any nurturing in adolescence. Not that I want D13 to experience any of this- but at least H and I are not at that F'd up level and she has much more support and guidance. My IC reminded me I'm not failing and dooming her to the same pain. I also now have an opportunity to work through the emotions of that time in my life. I ordered an " inner child healing workbook" to help me dig into this more. If it's helpful I'll share the resource.
Thanks all you guys for stopping by. I needed the " visits" even if just to commiserate. I also Gal with a great friend tonight over dinner and wine. Crappy day at least ended in a good note
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Keep up the good work of working on you. In this crazy mess that is all we really can do is work on ourselves, and pray for our MLC.
When we have kids in all this, it's even more important to work on ourseleves to be there to help our kids. To keep stable environments.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Thanks 2b- yes- we need to heal ourselves in order to be a stable environment for our kids. I never wanted to or thought I would be here but I need to do the best I can for them..... And for me.
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
That one made me laugh FY! The idea of my W even knowing what a LL is let alone caring is about as likely as the Zombie apocalypse starting this afternoon!
Snap, matt snap!
I tryed to get h to read ll 11 years ago when we were first together, never happened.
See you at the zombie apocalypse Mmmmwwwwaahhha.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Been " offline" for a few days- had a rough weekend- H and I disagreed about some things. And I got a little too intoxicated Sat night and was not feeling too good. I think I need to take a break from alcohol as when I'm feeling down already it just makes me feel worse.
So today I had a mini meltdown- months ago I had asked H to get his clothes out of the house. Tonight after I got home all of the sudden I turn around and see his side of the closet empty. I just started bawling. Clearly I've been diving deeper into my abandonment fears and childhood wounds and I'm doing some serious processing. So I called H and I asked him to please inform me before he's going to do something like that. Unexpected changes ( like last week's morning when I thought I would see the kids and didn't) are upsetting and cause stress. He apologized and I told him he didn't do anything wrong- I was just informing him of what I need from him. Then he started talking about how he would like some kid pictures and family pictures and could he scan them? And then mentioned he had to put together an inventory of what's his and mine and he didn't want me to be surprised by that. Which means he is definitely moving forward with the D as that is paperwork required to finalize the process. H said something very sweet to me at one point when he was talking about showing the kids our good parts and he said " half of my heart is you". Oh really? Then why the F are you doing this????? I know I know, MLC. But he seems closer to finishing the process and coming out of the tunnel- I see a more mature version of old H emerging. So why does he have to go this far? Uggghh! I am really feeling hopeless.
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Yesterday morning after being upset still from various things I decided to take all of H's pictures and memorabilia down from the game room and office and put it together in a bin. I need to make this MY home, not OUR home- at least for now. It felt really good- I needed to do something like that.
He picked up kids from school so he got to the house before I did last night. He texted me saying " I take it this bin of chit by the door is stuff I should get rid of?" I couldn't tell if he was upset or just being sarcastic and playing around- could be either depending on which H was present for the day. I texted back " no not to get rid of, those are all your pics and some of the duplicate pics of kids." He texted back thank you for putting it together.
So later in evening he brought D13 home from running errands for school supplies and told me when they had walked in earlier she asked him if mommy was " putting his crap on the curb". I sensed a little bother in his voice though he was laughing. He then sat down next to me on the couch ( that's a rarity these days) and we chatted about kids schedules etc. He asked if I needed anything and then he headed out.
I have noticed that he comes nearer when I show some of my vulnerability and upset and when I ask him to help with certain things that are joint responsibilities. I'll have to continue to experiment there some more. But I'm also taking care of myself and trying each day to accept that it looks like he's going to need to progress to D to be able to complete his tunnel exit..... So weird!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
reachingHigher's D came within mere days of being final before her H started to turn back towards her and the marriage. That was almost 2 years ago and last I talked with her they were doing well.
I'm a fan of asking for things from our spouses... it works for me too. But then our sitches are different than most because our spouses are still partially in the marriage and being nice. Doing the best they can while in crisis, I believe.
Good job not using his pictures to fuel the fireplace.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Funny you say that FY- I remembered her story and had been looking for her threads recently to help me get out of this rut. I found them and they are very helpful. I seem to be on an upswing from that angry, sad place that I was.
Have GAL planned this weekend with a friend and her adult kids. We are going to spend Sat night in a hotel in nearby town and go shop and out to dinner and dancing. I'm looking inward to it!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Had a nice girls getaway last night- went out to eat and dancing! Lots of fun!
I've pulled way back lately just because I needed to regroup some. H seems to be reaching out- texts or calls about things that aren't absolutely necessary. He was at my house when I got back from the girls weekend. Stayed for a few min then left. Then he realized that S7 needed some stuff for tomorrow and texted me he was coming by and did I need anything. That's his tag line lately- he will check in if he's running errands or before he leaves the house he has been asking that everytime. Sometimes I do ask for him to do things and he's very helpful when I do. Sometimes I say I'm fine ( which is mostly true but occasionally I just don't feel like asking). I can't tell if this is a habit he's getting into or if he's trying to connect in some way by helping me ( one of my LL is AOS). Seems to be a bit of both. I also notice he seems to think I don't want him around- tonight he chatted for a little bit and then said " well I'll get out of your hair". I'm not going to chase him- that dance was getting old. But seeing as he felt rejected and I'm pretty strong and independent- I don't want to be so distant he figures there's no chance. Tough balance.....
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
