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daring,

I was going to take your flower idea today!!! What a cool thing to do for yourself!!

I think anything we do differently can cause our H's to take notice....the flowers seemed to get his attention! Interesting tho, that your H said about S7 being disturbed....did YOU get that impression from S7, or was it H projecting....

If it bothers S7, then I would check in with him. It may also be a seeds thing planted by H, questioning S7 about the flowers.....I remember there were times my kids weren't concerned about things until xh told them they should be. Grrrrrrr. He would say things like, "doesn't that BOTHER you????" And "you mean you don't think that's ODD??" Oh, he was great at building their sense of security. Not. Then the kids would second guess their original response, and change their opinion.

But, if it was just H fishing....eh. Let him wonder. You have better things to do!

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Hey Shining- it was nice to have flowers, and of course the " air of mystery" didn't hurt either.

Turns out it was a mixture of curiosities. S7 said something along the lines of- nice dad you glt mommy flowers since she's not feeling well. H responded saying it hadn't been him. So then S7 started asking- well who got mommy flowers?
I have to wonder if there wasn't some projection in there too as S7s comments were likely innocent.

Another interesting conversation tonight- H had come to hang out for a little bit with kids ( he did dishes for me, ran errands for kids and picked up meds for me- really helpful again). He asks me about my friend who's going through something similar. He didn't know any of the details, just that they may be splitting. I told him she filed for D. He sounded surprised and said "SHE filed?"
I said yes, her H started having a friendship that turned into an affair and he's pretty much living with her. My H says " well I didn't do that", I said no you didn't. He said I looked upset and I said I just feel sad for her- she decided she doesn't have the patience to deal with it and is just done. He asked if I had offered some of the books I read in the beginning of our sitch and I said yes. ( he doesn't know specifics of the books- just that I have read a bazillion).

So what I take from this is two things- he wanted to contrast that he hadn't gone that far ( though he has admitted that he took the EA too far) and he noticed that my reading and working on myself has made a difference.
For my part- I'm focusing on the positives. But I know he's still cooking......


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
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I am not doing real well right now and if weren't for the fact that it will require major cleanup I could seriously break a few sets of dishes!

Weekend was low key, H came over and did some things around house and got one of our old cars running for S16 to start driving. He was very nice and helpful.
Today we all went to a movie together which was fun.

The he!!acious part of the day started when it was time to get D13 and S16 over to H's apt for the week. ( we are alternating)
D13 threw a fit- said she's not going she hates it etc
I said you have to go, you need to soend time at your dads. She packed but was really nasty to me. I tried to diffuse it saying yo her I know she's hurting and doesn't want this but being mean to me isn't going to make it better.
When we got to H's she refused to get out of my car. S7 was already there so I went up to chat with him while H talked to D13. She still wouldn't go so he had to lift her out of the car. She then started kicking and broke free and walked away. At one point she said she was going to walk home.
I asked what H wanted me to do- I said I'm not leaving yet. He said he could handle her, I said yes I understand that but she's hurt and I want to help and I can't even do that. He was very calm and kind through it all and I kept my composure but I'm sure through the tears and red face he could see I was hurt and very angry. Once she went inside I drive off without even looking at H.

I just don't get how he can sit there so calmly realizing that his choice to tear apart the family is tearing his own child apart and he doesn't even want to fix it. ( I know I'm assuming, it probably does hurt him but he just can't deal with those emotions). It is so unfair that the kids have to be hurt by these adult problems. Uggghh!!
I also have more of an issue because I went through a lot as a kid and never wanted my own children to suffer through the same, and here we are.... H was the same way until the MLC alien took over.
He just texted me to say she was calm watching her TV show but he's sure he's in for he!! soon. Sorry but you deserve it....


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
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So I find that the weeks I'm by myself and the kids are with H that I oscillate between feeling anger and empowerment. There are a few moments of sadness but mostly the other two. Maybe it's because it's one of the few times I'm alone with my thoughts
I went to exercise this evening ( yay feeling better enough to get back at it) and am planning a get together with a friend tomorrow night. Kids come back friday and we have an awesome plan to go to a festival all weekend.

Sometimes I feel like I did this all backwards- I had no anger in the beginning
( granted I found DB after 48hrs) and I just started furiously reading and working on everything I could and trying to be understanding and compassionate with him. ( not a fixer type at all right?!!) The anger for me came much later. And I still frequently cycle through it- especially seeing the kids hurt.

Tonight I was thinking about everything and how I may have had a lot of things to work on in the marriage- but we both did. And if any of them were truly divorceable offenses than we would both have deserved it 80 times over. But I don't deserve it- I deserve someone who is committed to me and loves me and is willing to take the good with the bad.
Sept 14 was bomb " I want a D" and this Friday Oct 10th is the 1yr anniversary of receiving the D papers in email. They are still just sitting with no further action and given its been a year maybe he really doesnt want it and he will find his way back.
I dunno- I think I'm just needing some inspiration and some refueling of my hope. I can be realistic, but I am one who needs hope to continue moving forward and I'm running a little low right now.


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
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I am so angry, hurt, whatever else I can come up with. Granted this is only the second week that H has fully had the kids and I haven't seen them much. But up until today they always come back to my house in the morning b/c our neighbor takes D13 to school, D16 catches the bus and S7 is picked up by our nanny.
Yesterday all of that happened but I had to leave for work very early so I wasn't home to see them.

This morning around 730 I texted H wondering if they were ok. He said they were fine. D13 was just picked up, S7 would be leaving soon and he was taking S16 to school. The missing detail was he " thought" he had texted me.
I was a basket case- it's not much but just a few minutes in the morning brightens my day. I was expecting it and just felt shattered.
( speaking of shattered if you throw Corelle at a wall it just bounces- must use China)
He apologized and asked if anything else was going on. I said no. He said are you done with me for now? ( meaning talking) I said pretty much yeah.

He texted asking if I wanted to go over and hang with them tonight- I said I had a meeting. He said he didn't know I had meeting.
Then I sent this text:

It was just scheduled last night.
We need to discuss all of this further so that the communication is better. When it is my week you are still over here seeing them a lot. I would like to know when I will and won't see them when you have them. And I don't want to have to rely on a neighbor or my nanny to communicate what's going on but I did just ask our neighbor to give me a heads up so I can prepare for what to expect in case you don't tell me.

Maybe that was anti- DB- maybe not. But I deserve to know and it's true- when I have them he's over and hanging out and it's good for them because they are having such a hard time. But it looks like on his weeks I won't see them much- partially because I try not to intrude. I'm not sure beat next steps.

He hasn't responded to my text.


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
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Hi daring. I oscillate too. I think we all do. Pretty normal I’d say.

I like to accept all those feelings of hurt and anger, then stand back as far as I can and look at the sitch from a purely rational, non-emotional angle. As you are well aware, emotions come and go!

What are all your options here? How do you suppose each would play out, now and in the future? Just something I like to think about.

I like knowing that I can bail out of my M at any time. That is one of my options.

Just a reminder: Our spouses are not doing this TO us, they’re doing it FOR them. I’m convinced they HAVE TO... And I do believe part of them doesn't want to, which is why they're still partially in.

Good job on standing up and requesting better communication regarding the kids… that wasn’t anti DB at all. Actually, it makes you look strong and attractive.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Well he texted me back and seemed upset that I asked neighbor to let me know ( just for background that's also the former EA so I think he worries about what she thinks of him sometimes).
I called him- I said it's better to talk so things aren't misunerstood. He asked me to give him benefit of the doubt. He thought this was something we could work through. Of course I'm on the phone crying like a dumba$$ but I couldn't help it. I explained that I wasn't thinking he did it on purpose and I wasn't trying to talk badly about him to anyone else. I just felt left out of the loop of the plans and I feel like I try and over communicate with him and think through things and I just wanted the same courtesy. I explained I had no problem with the plan to pick them up at his place, it made sense, I just wanted to know and minimize my own emotional distress when I thought I would see my kids and didn't.
He apologized and said it was good that we could talk through it and figure it out b/c it could have built up into resentment and a big issue.
I reiterated that I did not think he was being devious or hurtful on purpose.
I didn't say this but Clearly he feels pretty bad about himself because lately if we have a disagreement or I'm upset about something he immediately jumps to the conclusion that I think he is selfish or a jerk or purposefully mean or doesn't have kids best interest in mind. I always make sure to clarify that I am saying none of those things and please don't assume those feelings are coming from my thoughts.
While I do think those things at times- the moments that he brings them up I'm actually trying to be compassionate and understanding but also have him be respectful of my feelings.
Clearly he has a ways to go......


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
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Thanks FY- I needed the " feel it but then step back and look at it" reminder. I just think I lose my rational approach when it comes to issues with the kids. And this is really the first time that there has ben more time and space separation between H and I and the kids and I.

I know he needs to do this- he will never be whole and we will not even have an option for a new M if he doesn't gonpn this journey.
I just feel like I was doing really well and all of the sudden I'm a mess!!

I do have to say that he is trying- he texted me later a picture of a new potato peeler and said " peace offering?"
I had made soup over the weekend and didn't have one so I was peeling potatoes with a paring knife. I'm pretty impressed- he actually tried to think of something that would be helpful to me. My LL is acts of service and quality time pretty equally. He's doing the AOS a lot lately.
Focusing on the positive....


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
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Originally Posted By: daring
I do have to say that he is trying- he texted me later a picture of a new potato peeler and said " peace offering?"
I had made soup over the weekend and didn't have one so I was peeling potatoes with a paring knife. I'm pretty impressed- he actually tried to think of something that would be helpful to me. My LL is acts of service and quality time pretty equally. He's doing the AOS a lot lately.


That was sweet of him, and I too am impressed.

I wish my W would give me a piece offering. My LL is... oh, never mind.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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That one made me laugh FY!
The idea of my W even knowing what a LL is let alone caring is about as likely as the Zombie apocalypse starting this afternoon!

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