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Quote:
I'm not sure if this is the pursuit and distance dance or him trying to recognize that I'm stressed and he needs to help more.


Yyyyuupppp. ^^^^ I see you've been taking dance lessons in my class. wink


I'm glad to hear he's making efforts t be a "grown up" with the finances. I don't recall whether yours was a spender....might be good to make sure what he said matches what he did in the bank account?

And yeah....why do they have to have moments of underwear hotness....that's not very nice.

Glad you didn't have expectations after the night together. I love the image you described of God setting off more alarms. smile

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ML or having sex can stir up ALOT of feelings, it's hard to pull back afterwards and not expect more, sometimes its easy sometimes very hard.

Just be careful with your expectations the next couple of days,,,

Check out my post on how I reacted after a hot night of sex, dumb me expecting kisses in public the next day acted like it was my 1st time, then had a tantrum when it did not go my way.

BUT on the other hand, glad you enjoy yourself:)



Last edited by 2BHappy; 09/28/14 05:14 AM.

Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Yeah Shining- I do love to dance! But preferably not in this situation....
The underwear hotness caught me off guard which made it so much more effective d@mnit!
As far as the finances- he really did do it and I have paid it towards our back taxes already. Then one of our accounts went low today due to an unexpected payment and he put in money from his own account to cover it. I was shocked- told him I would give it right back. ( especially since he has no job right now). He said it's ok, he just got paid for extensive conference speaking engagements and is able to cover rent and his expenses right now. I said ok and let him do it- he seems to need to feel like he's contributing. ( or he found this site and read my money rant!)
2b I read what happened with you- I'm so sorry that is such an awful feeling. I know I have to be careful, but on the other hand my H's love language is majorly physical touch and definitely sex is the highest on that list. The first several years of MLC it was clearly about sex- he behaved completely differently. But the last few months I've noticed there is serious emotional connection. There is also eye contact and they don't look " empty".
This was also an area of issue for us and part of my 180 has been to be more receptive. That said I also reserve the option to say no or stop at any time- and I have done that sometimes. I figure I'm experimenting and monitoring response....

In general it was a pretty decent weekend. I tried to keep my expectations at zero and let him be on Sat. He took our daughter to her counseling appt in AM and then went and did his own thing for most of day.
Texted me in afternoon to see if I wanted to do something fun with the kids- I said sure and we went to play place and then the mall. Was low key but fun.
This AM H texted me and asked if it was ok if he came to my house to work for the day ( he's building a new company). That's a new one compared to last several weeks when he was mostly doing is own thing- I said sure.
Today I felt really crummy- I'm getting over a virus and now it feels like it might be going into bronchitis or pneumonia. I walked over to where he was working to let him know I was going to run to grocery store and he said you sound terrible- why don't you go rest. I said no it's ok I can go. He insisted and said send me a list.

He grocery shopped, changed out all batteries on smoke alarms since we think that might be what keeps setting off the alarm, changed out all air filters and went and picked up take out for dinner for us all. Wow!
And in he midst of all that we had a conversation with S19 about college stuff ( H and I disagree on the approach to this) and while it was tense we got through it and I stood my ground.
Later he texted me saying he was sorry for being negative about it all, told me I didn't say or do anything wrong and didn't deserve him to react that way. I said thank you but also said I understand and validated his feelings.
So I'm looking at the positives. Last week he seemed to have no insight- this week there's lots of insight and he was incredibly helpful. It was nice.


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
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Teeter tottering back to some anger again. I hate seeing my kids hurting b/c of this sitch. D13 is just an emotional mess which leads to adolescence on steroids behavior. H was dealing with her today but was very frustrated ( rightfully so) and set reasonable boundaries. I can see her hurting, and I remember being that little girl too so it triggers similar issues for me ( yep- my chit to work through).
I told him ( nicely) that it's hardfor me to see this happening with the kids and I get angry. He said you're at the front of the line of people angry with me but it's better than the alternative, which he described as us constantly angry with each other. Huh??? Must be MLC logic.
Later he walked up to me and said " I'm sorry, I'm listening and I know this is hard on everyone, especially D13". He said he doesn't want to be the bad guy forever either, and that he's trying. <<< not sure what this last part means but his stopping and thinking and trying to respond in a healthy way was refreshing.

I know the MLC spouse is hurting and can't handle others' ( especially LBS) hurt, but what about the innocent kids in all of this? I really have the hardest time DBing and being understanding with H when they are hurting.

Writing helps. It makes me work through the anger. And it makes me think about the pain I see in my kids and have compassion for H since I know his journey is much like an adult version of adolescence with wounds long forgotten but needing to be dealt with.

Sigh


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
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Quick update- MLC land has been calmer in the last day or so ( I'll take what I can get).
H stayed home yesterday with D13 since she was sick and they had some good quality time together. He also watched the kids last night as I had a work dinner.

Yesterday when I got home he could tell I wasn't feeling well ( looks like my virus has gone into pneumonia- uggh). He asked if I needed anything and said make sure you rest.
He checked in on me this morning before taking the kids to school as I was having coughing fits and he wanted to be sure I would get evaluated by my own doc today.
I did go in to be seen with the result presumed pneumonia. He had asked if I would be home in evening with kids as he needed to run errands. I texted him to say I would be home as I was leaving work early to pick up meds and rest.
He immediately texted- how can I help?
I asked him to just pick up kids as planned and if he had time to pick up dog food.
After running errands he came back by and took kids to get them things they needed for school and packed S8s lunch. He was really really helpful.
He kept checking on me to see if I needed anything. He really seemed like he wanted to help. Right before leaving for the night he asked again and said " are you sure? How about tea with honey?" I said that did sound good so he made it for me. Then headed out for the night.

I don't know if this is guilt or part of the dance but it seems pretty genuine. I'm appreciative and make sure I let him know how helpful he is being but don't ask for anything more.


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
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Hi daring. Isn't it hard when H is so nice? I have a very nice MLCer too. Always friendly and helpful. I have the same reaction as you. Is it genuine or guilt? I can't figure it out either and try really hard not to because nothing about my H really makes much sense these days!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Daring,

Clark began doing that stuff with me. Then he filed for D, only to tell me a few weeks later that maybe we could work on our R. I never could figure out if it was guilt or genuine. I think it's mixed, just like everything else going on with them!

That was clear as mud, huh!? crazy


Atsbaby
M:36 H:35
T: 19 M:12
S:11
D:9
BD: 5/4/14
Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her
8/19 admits OW
8/22/14 files D w/o telling me
9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
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Thanks mleigh and Ats for stopping by!

It is oh so clear as mud...... That they ae crazy!!

H is still being helpful- he checked in on me this morning since I stayed home from work. And went and picked me up lunch midday.
Trying to just enjoy the moments- and realize that they do not mean everything is suddenly going to be OK.


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
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Originally Posted By: mleigh4
Isn't it hard when H is so nice? I have a very nice MLCer too. Always friendly and helpful. I have the same reaction as you. Is it genuine or guilt? I can't figure it out either and try really hard not to because nothing about my H really makes much sense these days!


My W is also a nice MLCer, and I couldn't agree more, it can be hard! How does one give up on a spouse that is still still partially in, still trying, still showing some signs of love?

I think it's both, guilt and genuine. Guilt, because they know they're not doing us right, (or in my case, not doing me at all!) and genuine because if it was all fake, we'd know. After all these years, ain't no way W or I could pull one over the other.

Hey, it is what it is. Best to accept it and live our life as we choose.

Get well soon, daring!

Last edited by ForeverYoung; 10/03/14 12:39 AM.

M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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FY you crack me up- love your sense of humor!! wink

I think you are right- it is a mix of both. The hardest part is releasing that it means anything about where our sitch is going- they may still walk away they may not.

Funny thing happened yesterday- when I left work on Wed and picked up my antibiotics, I also bought a little bouquet of flowers. I figured I can buy them for myself as a get well cheer up!
Well yesterday H is over and says S7 was really upset about the flowers. ( H hadn't asked me where they came from so maybe he was wondering too :))
S7 piped up and said yeah- someone bought you flowers! Who was it? I said I bought myself flowers since I was sick. H made a point of walking by me and saying again how disturbed S7 had been.

H is starting to see the impact on the kids not only from a parenting standpoint but also as a family unit. Not that I was trying to upset S7 by any means, but clearly he still thinks of his parents as the ones that should be together. I think it's good that H sees these reactions and the importance of it all to the kids.
( and maybe he was a little worried himself!!)


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
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