Nitty in a Nutshell #2

[CaliGuy]

Nitty

You are holding it together well, LOTS of positives in your sitch ... keep your head on straight and look at the big picture, looks like a the least you are in a much better spot now ... both with the R and yourself than you were a few months ago!!

[Atsbaby]

Nitty,

I'm glad to hear the positive stuff going on. Some of your Mr. Gritty is sounding like Clark.

Hang in there. I know the rollercoaster isn't over yet, but keep doing what you need to!! Continue to take care of yourself. We will make it through this craziness

[Wonka]

Nitty,

Thanks for stopping by my thread...much appreciated!

Wow. Mr. Nitty is off the charts with his hourly/daily mood swings. Just wondering why you two are not in MC or in some conflict resolution workshop.

[wmwb123]

Your story has given me hope. I think my situation is a little more dire than most, but don't we all? Thank you for sharing these updates.

[Ahoy]

Wow Nitty! That is a wild ride. I'm amazed at your ability to find calm in the midst of the storm. Reconciliation sounds almost as bad as limbo. At least you're closer to the finish line (whatever that may be).

[Nitty]

Thanks, Shakespr, Matt165, Caliguy, Atsbaby, and Ahoy, for your encouragement.

nmwb123, never give up hope, but keep your focus on you. So many times I've believed we were truly over and yet somehow we still have a chance. There is always a chance.

Wonka, Mr. Gritty and I did 8 sessions of MC after the BD for his EA, but then he confessed that he really had a PA, left me to go back to her, told me to cancel all future MC appts. Since then he's been adamantly opposed to MC, even after he told me he'd broken up with her. That's why I was so encouraged when he agreed to conflict resolution as part of D mediation. Even tho the purpose was merely to keep the D civil, I felt it would help our relationship.

TRYING TO HOLD THE COURSE

Mr. Gritty is out of town this week. For the first time in over year he is sending me very frequent and very affectionate texts. He tells me he loves me, that he is going to work on the R, how he will make everything up to me. The polar opposite of the GritStorms of last months.

In a matter of days my concern has gone from him railroading us through D... to him railroading us through R. Too soon and too fast.

Shakespr used the term "mercurial". Yes. That is what he's been during the separation. Emotions changing like quicksilver within hours, sometimes minutes. But this is BY FAR the biggest positive change in his attitude toward me since the BD. There've been thousands of negative ones, LOL.

I was stressed yesterday about my not answering his texts promptly. I have to work, I have meetings, I had C yesterday afternoon... I've never been tied to my phone. That was one of his complaints about me he had before the BD, that I "never returned" his texts.

Not true... I would return them when I saw them. He saw any delay as a lack of respect because he takes his phone everywhere. One of my complaints about him was he was constantly texting. And of course now I know that before the BD he was texting her.

Yesterday when I'd find a bunch of texts, I knew he'd be upset. I knew he'd feel like I was ignoring him. Pre-BD I would jump in and say, "Sorry! I was in a meeting with X and Y!" I'd explain everything. I got worse immediately after the BD. After he left me I didn't need to worry about answering texts because he rarely sent any, except for business.

But now I have the mindset that how he reacts is not my business. So I let it go. I would respond to the texts when I found them, without apology but with affection.

One of my text breaks yesterday was my IC appointment. My C is concerned about me. He told me I must hold on to my recent independence and confidence and not lose it if I let Mr. Gritty back in my life. He asked me if I remembered all the bad stuff Mr. Gritty said and did.

The C asked me to read a book by Pia Mellody on love addiction and I felt...embarrassed? I asked him, "You think I'm a love addict?" The C said no, but he thought it would help me keep from repeating negative habits.

[Nitty]

ROLE REVERSAL

So last night I got an astounding text: "I just realized you probably don't want me to text you so much, so am going to slow it down."

WOW... just wow. Echoes of stuff I said immediately after the BD.

I responded that I was out of the habit of checking my phone frequently. I said I didn't want him to think I was dissing him if I didn't respond right away. He started a R discussion so I asked him to call me.

Apparently he did but it went straight to voice mail while I stared at the phone, waiting for it to ring. Thinking he didn't call, I finally texted that he didn't have to call if he didn't want to, that I was going to bed and good night, and the phone rang right away, him sputtering and demanding why I didn't answer the first time he called. Thank you, Phone Company, for more misunderstandings.

He told me he can't help how he feels, and when I don't respond immediately he feels like "you really want to call it off, and that you're not being honest about it."

I wanted to laugh. After months and months of him not being honest with me, with me holding on through thick and thin, he thinks I'm going to drop him now when he's trying to come home? He thinks I'm the one not being honest?

And yet, I did drop the rope, mentally at least. I let go of him and focused on me. Since his decision to reconcile, I have been feeling ambivalent and cautious because I feel certain he's going to run again. I'm wary of angry outbursts where he blames me for stuff I never did.

I told him I hoped we would reconcile, but that if it doesn't work out, we will both be okay. Wrong thing to say.

He sounded bitter: "Great, you ARE pulling away from me." I asked him why he would think that. He said, "That is how I feel!"

I said I was sorry he felt that way. I said I never saw this side of him before, it was so... so... and I painted myself into a corner on that one, couldn't finish the sentence because I was going to say "needy" or "clingy." That would've been the worst thing to say.

He didn't wait for me to finish and said "Yeah, I feel like the pursuer and I don't like it."

I didn't know what to say after that. My first impulse was not charitable, more like, "Yeah, it feels crappy, doesn't it," but instead I said, "Nobody is pursuing anybody, I hope. We're just figuring this out, taking it one day at a time."

[Shakspr]

Oh, Nitty, at least the temperature is changing. I can only imagine that this is just as hard, though.

So I will echo the best part of this post. Hang on to your hard-fought independence. Your confidence will attract Gritty, even when HE panics. He knows he needs both mercy (you refraining from deserved punishment), and is relying on grace (rewards for no reason). That's scary for him, too.

Start using your sense of humor - it will defuse many of these tense moments. Hey, you get to start rehearsing POSITIVE interactions - R talks that Gritty WANTS to have.

Pretty cool. I will reiterate; piecing is a very mundane word for such a blessed thing.

[wmwb123]

nmwb123, never give up hope, but keep your focus on you. So many times I've believed we were truly over and yet somehow we still have a chance. There is always a chance.

Thanks, Nitty. I have to file my response to the divorce petition today. I dread it. I do not want to do this. I can't understand why she doesn't realize she does not have a future with her affair partner. Literally two weeks before she left me she was inviting a friend from another country to come and visit us three months in the future. Supposedly these changes were taking place gradually, but her decision to leave was apparently as sudden as it appeared to me. Thank you for your encouragement.

[Nitty]

My DB coach isn't available until next week. That su cks...

On the plus side, last night Mr. Gritty called to say he realizes my schedule fills up so fast nowadays that he wanted to make a date before I have no time available for him. So we've got a date this weekend.

My goals: continue rebuilding the friendship, no R talks. BE MYSELF but restrain impulses to talk about R.

Actually, I'm not feeling impatient. Actually, I'm feeling ambivalent. I still love the guy, but I believe he's going to run again. I'm concerned about the sudden positive change and am not sure it will last.

And yet I fear I am losing focus, losing detachment. I feel like I'm in a dangerous place. I am worried about losing the Improved Nitty Who Takes Care Of Herself, just like my IC said.

I must continue to live my life as if he is still pursuing D, although I'll be seeing him in more of a friendly sitch. I will only believe that he is serious about R when:

• He cancels the D
• He makes the appointment with the MC.

I know I will be ready to R when:

• I stop rolling up into a little ball when he raises his voice
• I consistently maintain my boundaries

A major boundary I have now that I haven't since the BD:

• I will not allow myself to be spoken to in a disrespectful manner. If he starts up, I will say this, and add, "I want to have a conversation in which we do not blame each other."

I expect to be treated as respectfully as I treat others. I deserve to be treated respectfully.