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Card29 Offline OP
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Good points. I was stuck in the mind reading loop for a month, and man was it miserable. No matter what you think, you quickly convince yourself you were wrong, then you second guess that. Misery. I want no part of it. Very hard to detach from it when you're caught, too.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
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I know this post will be lost once the board is up and running again, but I'll ask now anyway. I have done well with GAL and detach on days that I don't have D2, but when I have her, I am in pain knowing our family is not together. I want to share these moments with WAW, and it hurts me that my D never gets to experience having fun with both of her parents. Any advice for how to turn this mentality around? Obviously I do not want to detach from D2. My best efforts so far have been to be busy with D2- playgrounds, walks, events, etc. There are moments that I can really detach from WAW during these times (today I really had fun with D2 on a playground), but a lot of the time I am wishing WAW was there with me. I see all of the other happy couples playing with their little ones and it kills me


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
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Card,

I've read just this threat so far and the things I think you may want to consider are:

1. Set Boundaries - you mentioned that you did not want W to talk to other guys but did not express this idea verbatim. I would let W bring up this topic and then squash it as it appears. Don't ever bring up old history, even last week, it will just stir up the pot.

2. Daughter - As I don't have children, I would just say to prepare as best you can. If you can think of your situation as it happening to someone else, someone else is possibly getting divorced and you are fine, it may help you. Pretending you are ok during this process is vital.

3. Thought Stopping - This is what I struggled with at first. You could try wearing a rubber band and every time you think of your W, go give yourself a smack and you will start to forget her.



"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
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Had an interesting moment today. I was at church alone (D2 there, in childcare). The sermon was like he was talking to me. It was a really challenging sermon, saying to not try to hide from your pain, but to use it as God intends it: to learn about yourself, to change yourself towards God's goals for you. I was in a lot of pain at the end of it. As soon as church ended, a man introduced himself and invited me to a small group that was meeting right then in a classroom. I agreed. 6 people in there. 3 of them separated of divorced in the last 8 months. So I had a very interesting, encouraging conversation with them. One woman was actually the WAW and has begun reconciling with her H, after almost a year of S. She encouraged me to not give up hope yet. Coming from a former WAW, that meant a lot. I think I will be attending this group again.

WAW yesterday said she would not be at church but agreed to meet me at gym this afternoon. I was happy about that. But this morning, as I was walking into church, I thought, "I should not expect her to show up." Sure enough, not 5 minutes later, I get a text saying she is not going to gym. I'm thankful I let go of my expectation just before that because it took a lot of the sting out.

After church, I had fully let go of the possibility of seeing WAW today, and I was ready to go about my day. I did not cancel my gym plans, and stuck with them. Then she surprised me by asking if she could hang out this evening for a couple hours. I did not mind read. If anything, I assumed it was to see D2. But I got the house and myself in as good of shape as possible in a couple of hours, bought some ingredients for dinner (a 180 of mine), and was happy and lightly funny while she was here. I didn't cook the food expecting her to eat (I didn't even tell her about it because I didn't want to make the encounter too official. At first she declined the food but eventually she had some after she said it looked really good. That is probably a first in our history as I almost never cooked, and when I did, she wasn't crazy about it.

Last edited by Card29; 09/22/14 12:59 AM.

Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
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Thanks for the feedback, Riley. I don't know if I'm in a position to set a boundary of her talking to other guys. She is basically not my W right now, so I have no say in it. If she tries to "friend zone" me and chat about her comings and goings with guys, I will definitely lay down a boundary between the two of us regarding that.

I might just have to try the wrist-snap technique!


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
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I feel like I've had a 2 month backslide. I woke up this morning and it was like I expected everything to be a bad dream. When I realized that it was real, that she really left (almost 2 months ago), I really hit a low point. Still there. This is brutal


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
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T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
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Originally Posted By: Card29
I have done well with GAL and detach on days that I don't have D2, but when I have her, I am in pain knowing our family is not together. I want to share these moments with WAW, and it hurts me that my D never gets to experience having fun with both of her parents.


Let me give you a different perspective on this. My H has always worked long hours and traveled a lot, even in our happy days. When my kids were little, we did a lot of things and had a great time without him. The only difference in this scenario and yours is the mindset. Don't let thoughts of W ruin the great experiences available to you. Enjoy your moments with your D, they won't come around twice.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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Before BD, I always savored every second with D. You never know what could happen. I played with her and loved her like it was the last time I'd ever see her. But instead of that thought motivating me to enjoy her, it just puts more pressure on me to snap out of this.


Me 38, WAW 30
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M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
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In what ways have you been detaching?

I understand that you read DR, however many of your comments sound contrary to that. Is there anything you don't understand?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Card29 Offline OP
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Seem to have lost my last response. Here's the shorthand version:

Detaching: Without D2 is no problem. Salsa dancing on Monday's, kickball on Tuesdays. Gym 3 days a week. Trail running 3-4 days a week. And those are just the weekly activities. The problem is with D2. I'm constantly reminded of how we are not together as a family and it kills me. I have been taking her to playgrounds, on walks, art projects, grocery shopping. But Ive had a hard time lately.

Would you mind giving me an example of how I don't seem to comprehend DR/DB?


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
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