You know what? Genuine apologies can come by text if you are too ashamed of what you have done to do it in person.
Your ex seems to me like a guy who got depressed, got sucked into an affair which temporarily alleviated the pain, then found himself unexpectedly "stuck" by virtue of fathering (possibly) a baby. If he's telling other people that he's hit "rock bottom", the temporary endorphins from the romance have probably worn off, and now he's depressed AND stuck where he is.
I would suggest you take a little pity on him and simply accept his apology. (MY ex has NEVER apologized for blowing up our 24 year marriage and our kids' lives - yet I'm sure I'll hear it some day.)
I hear ya, guys. I don't know. It's tough. I mean, I took serious pity on him for MONTHS. Even when others didn't understand and he was gone, I stuck by him. He was out banging some chick and blowing me & kids off, I stood up for him. I was ride-or-die for this guy. I would have gone to the end of the earth and back for him- and he knew it. He told me he knew that. He told me he knew he had my heart and always would. Then had to go to be with her.
When he dropped the nuke- I was worried about him. I told his b to make sure he talked to him, that I was worried about him. For weeks, I felt badly for him. My heart ached for him. I knew this was not a good sitch for him.
But I realized, while I was feeling bad FOR HIM after he had TOTALLY devastated my family, he was going around town with her and her kid like everything was great. Working on their house, putting in new floors and such, while I was dealing with the disaster he left me with (after saying, "I would never leave you with this." after bd). He was there doing all the work while she was shopping and then xh was hanging out with her and her kid while I was doing EVERYTHING. Taking care of OUR kids and this house in shambles he left me with.
I have always made things easy for him and let things go that, quite frankly, maybe I shouldn't have. He knew how to work me and he knew what he could get away with. He knew I'd always be there. He took me for granted. He took the kids for granted. He did not care that he was going to hurt them and was so selfish. I tried to express to him how hurt they would be. He said, "They'll be fine." He didn't care. He took them and their love for granted.
I know he has said he has hit "rock bottom" but I think he is just at the beginning. He does not know how to handle this situation. He wants to take the easy way out and for the first time, it is not an easy situation and there is no one to get him through. If I accept his apology now, he won't have to face the full consequences of his actions. I totally understand what you are saying, KML. I just feel like I have always held his hand and gotten him through this. I am sorry, but it will take more than a text message. What it will take, I really don't know. It is not that I don't appreciate the gesture, but eh, I don't know. It just seems too easy for me to let go. I am not harboring this, but truthfully, it is just the beginning for me. I am just starting to realize the gravity of what this has done to me. This is not necessarily about him and his apology right now. This, for once is about me. I need to work on myself before I can really see where I land. I am angry right now. I, too, have a long way to go. He may have further. I don't know.
There were many text messages that were ignored from me. When I think about what he did over the last year to me and my family, oh my gosh. The lies are incredible. Yup, he felt good around her when he was depressed.
But here, seriously, I realize deep down, that xh did not have the emotional capacity to be there for me. I had to be the strong one. If I needed to lean on him, he would become angry. I had to keep any sad or upset emotion from xh, because he couldn't handle it. He would get angry at me and make me feel worse. The year before bd was very stressful. I remember thinking that I needed him. I didn't express it, but I was more withdrawn. I tried to be upbeat for him. He was stressed too. I remember trying to encourage him and say, "I understand, but we will get through this. We just have to take one thing at a time. It will get better." He would get angry at me and say I didn't care and that he was the only one carrying the burden. That was not true at all. I was very stressed. I needed him. I knew that, but even so, I tried to be there for him. BUT, I was quieter.
Turns out, he was there for her. She had a miscarriage. She told her x that he wasn't there for her and he should have taken more time off of work. My h was there. For her. Not me. Not ever. But for her. That hurts.
Should I thank him for the text? Maybe. I am not saying I shouldn't. My gut tells me to leave it alone. I am not there yet. It is different for him. For me not to respond is new for him. For him to reach out to me and me not be there. Yes, I know it was part of my 180 since December, and I did well with it. But for me to be so silent for so long. And it is what I want. Before during db, I wanted to respond, etc. Now, I just need to process. He is very aware of my distance, believe me. Very aware. The depth of hurt is very evident in my lack of communication and response. I am not doing it to make a point. It is truly out of feeling. I need space. I need it to be about me. God, for once, not about him.
Do I feel bad for him. Absolutely. There isn't a second of the day that goes by that I don't feel this gaping void in my heart. I have a hard time breathing all the time. I just can't catch my breath. I am truly heartbroken. My heart literally hurts all the time. I weigh less than 100lbs. I don't sleep. I have to take medicine now. I very seldom take medicine. Very seldom, because I don't react to it well and I think we over medicate. But I have to take pills every day to cope with this.
I know it seems crazy for me to not validate his apology. It may seem to make me a b. I'm OK with it. I just feel like with the damage that has been done, more than a text needs to be done if he really means it. If he is embarrassed, well... he should be. So am I. I feel judged every day. I feel like people wonder what I did wrong in my m for my h to leave me for another woman.
He is going to have to suck it up if he is really sorry. Am I looking for him to grovel? Nope, not at all. Did I ever expect an apology, nope. Does that mean I don't appreciate it? Nope. I am just not ready to deal with it. I'm not, and it is as simple as that.
Geesh, maybe in an hour I will look at this with new eyes. I don't know. I am just letting it flow through my fingers right now. I don't know. I just did not feel it needed a quick response. Really, a response at all.
BTW, d had a game tonight. XH did not show up. He texted d and said, "Sorry I didn't make it. I wouldn't have had time to make it after work." That is such BS! He works 30 min closer to where d's game was than I do and I made it. The reality is that he wouldn't have had time to pick up hww's son and take them home and go back to her game. Seriously? He couldn't have driven himself today? He knew where the game was earlier this week. I heard him tell d on the phone he'd be there. Ugh.
I know I'm not supposed to post now but I am a Sagittarius and we can be daredevils:-). Let me take my favorite wedge sandals out of my mouth.
I apologize if I came across as insinuating that you are wrong, not taking the high road, or should feel a certain way. I typed 2 responses and one never posted. This snafu is all on me, my friend. My other response said a simple thanks back if ir when you are ready would be fine. I *do* think the fact that your h even extended an "I'm sorry" means he feels guilty for what has happened. And he should. For the record, if my xh ever apologizes you will all know because you wil feel the loud thud of me passing out. I don't know if he is truly remorseful. I also don't think this (sorry very un DB of me) that all should be forgotten and he is man of the year. It's kind of like when someone serves you a crap sandwich and tells you it's filet mignon.
I cannot imagine being in your sitch. I think you are doing a kick a$$ job in incredibly extenuating circumstances. Heck, when I read your sitch I was like "Geez, his guy is the ultimate a$$hat!!"
People always say "you need to get over it." I never but that. I think you have to get through it. And the reality is that you are forever and understandably so altered by this. I do maintain actions speak louder than words and I understand about compassion and forgiveness. However, it would take close to being a deity at this point to look at your h and say " he said he was sorry-all is forgiven".
You are doing so well. Your h imploded his life and those that stuck by him. I don't envy him in the least.
Posted by Heather (Quote from Mighty): "D13 has shown no signs of wavering. She has been steadfast... It is like she hasn't even hit a bump. I am not sure what to make of it at this point. Her grades are amazing and is an honor student. She is a tremendous athlete and the youngest on all of her teams, but starts and gets tons of playing time. She has a very busy social life. She is loved by everyone. Seriously... adults and kids. Teachers love her, parents love her, but not in a brown-nose way. All the kids love her too! She is hilarious and so sweet. As far a xh, she is disgusted by him. She really does not want to be around him, but she is never mean to him. She would feel too bad. I don't know if I should be worried about her- she just seems so put together. The irony..."
Hi Mighty Mouse :-)
I'm catching up on your thread.
Everyone handles this earth-shattering news differently. She may be finding solace in all that love she gets from being funny and popular. My D20 is like that. With her, I noticed, however, that she put ALOT of energy into maintaining that level of HAPPY...then, it started to take its toll and she crashed. I'm not saying she will crash.
I would be aware though...she may feel that she is helping you right now by being the "together" one. I was so wrapped up in my own grief, I simply didn't have it in me to be there for D20 when she needed to let her guard down.
I'd suggest letting her know that...if she feels weak and sad...that's ok too. Let her know that you won't be disappointed in her if she lets her guard down and feels lousy. Let her know that you can handle it if she is less than perfect. I wish I had given D20 permission to feel sad if she needed to. It bit me in the a$$ later. When I was stronger, she acted out.
What came out for D20...was a lot of anger in having her high school career impacted/embarrassed and wrinkled by her dad's behavior.
Gently, let her know she has a soft place to land in you. That's my .02.
I am so sad I don't have them all.... thank you, though for all who did respond. It means a lot to me, and I take what you post with careful consideration. I respect all of you, your opinions, your advice.
I realize that in my post, I sounded defensive. I did not mean it like that, especially towards anyone here. In fact, I did some thinking about it over the weekend. Really I think it was an argument I was having internally.
Maybe I am defensive, perhaps a bit. But I don't mean it to sound rude to anyone here. KML and GB, I hope you didn't think that I was argumentative. I totally agree with your points. I get it, and I appreciate your responses so much. When I reread it, it seemed that what I was saying could be misinterpreted. The truth is that the posts really gave me a lot to think about and gave me the opportunity to look inwards and to reflect. Had you not responded to me, I wouldn't have had a moment to think about where my feelings were coming from.
Since it has been a few days, I don't know that I fully want to go back into why I responded that way. I do have a lot of things going on upstairs (yes, even blondes CAN have a lot up there!) which seem to be fighting for time to reach clarity.
But, thank you, and just know that anything that sounded defensive or argumentative, was my own internal battle. I am working on it...
Mighty ... reading the past few updates ... I know maybe I am not in full DB mode either .. but with all you have been through, I very well can see why a no response might just be the way to go.
I think in a few of our sitches ... yours especially .. a text apology is in a way insulting, now I do not know when or IF I will ever receive an apology from W ... I would like to think one is in order, but sees the MLC fog swallows up those too. I can see it as a way to validate/extend the olive branch, but we all have been hurt deeply here ... and if there is a chance for R ... I would hope for all our sakes we could at the least receive an sincere in person apology .... then again (Thinking outloud) ... how do you NOT respond to that if you are not quite ready to forgive as you may be in your sitch ... maybe this guy did ya a favor and did a temp check to see where he is at ... and the non response was a easy way to let him know .... uh uh buddy ... not so fast.
Just my mind racing with how I would feel if my W did the same.
You know what? Genuine apologies can come by text if you are too ashamed of what you have done to do it in person.
If he's telling other people that he's hit "rock bottom", the temporary endorphins from the romance have probably worn off, and now he's depressed AND stuck where he is.
KML, I hadn't even thought of that. I guess I just figure he is either happy or stuck. But I guess you could be right, thinking you are at "rock bottom" may also be a sign of some unhappiness in r. I was mostly attributing it to r with kids. Perhaps there is more?
What's up, Cali?! Thanks for poppin' in. Hmmmm.... temp check, you think? You know, in a way, I feel like he does wonder where I am at. I do think that he thought I would always "be there." The longest he has gone since nuke on July 7th is 13 days without contacting me. Albeit, it is usually something pretty lame.
When his bro told him that he does not want to lose me from his life and family, xh replied, "Me either."
One thing I noticed about the text is that he said, "I know this means nothing to you..." That is very new for him. He knew I would always be there and that I was madly in love with him. He even said that no matter what, he knew I'd be there for him. Well, I think the silence is deafening.
You know, maybe it was just a wave of guilt. Maybe it was him getting closure. I don't know. I don't want to read into it any more, I guess. Or do I? Ha!
I didn't think too much of it at first. Just kind of like, ok, that's new. But then when I started questioning myself, it started snowballing.
OK, well... don't know what he is thinking- ever. I haven't had a face-to-face conversation in months. That is weird. We were so intertwined. Ah... well.
You know what, Might? It's ok to feel how you feel. There are not right or wrong feelings.
You arent ready to forgive him right now and it is ok. It is a process and one you should work towards, though. If you hold onto feelings of anger or resentment, they weigh you down and sap your energy.
Now my feeling is that having an MLC doesnt give him a free pass on his actions. He does have to own those.
Maybe he is feeling some of that, maybe he isnt. Who knows? They go in and out of feelings of guilt and remorse. But they doesnt really matter right now.
What matters is you. What matters is your journey.
You need to get to where you are good and strong. You need to figure out who you want to be.
He needs to figure out himself and you cant help him do that.
Some stuff to think about when working towards forgiveness that helped me was seeing it as the letting go of expecting something different. It was a way to honor my marriage and relationship.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act.
Thanks, uR. I appreciate that. Yeah, I am working on something... (side prayer- God, please tell me what!)
You know, I guess it wasn't really until this became a matter of discussion here, or until I came here and it was pointed out to me that I had even thought about forgiveness. Even when he sent that text, I don't know that I even thought of it then. I hope that is not selfish of me. Nor do I want to harbor bitterness and resentment.
Am I thinking there will be more? I don't know. I don't know what I feel. I think that is the problem. As much as I am trying to move on with my life, I think I am still holding my breath. WHY?????? I just don't know!!! What am I waiting for???? I just don't know????? Maybe this is part of the process?
Really, I didn't respond to his text because I guess I just didn't know what to say and I feel like I didn't need to say anything.
OK, gotta run right now, but I do have one more GAL thing I want to share. A good moment for Mighty! I shall return later...
