Finding our way back to family-hood.

[slow_it_down]

I think I'm at the part of the climb back up the mountain where your pack feels lighter and suddenly breathtaking views outnumber dangerous cliffs and mudslides.

My husband 's house is finally on the market, we are on the same phone plan again and are starting to work on a joint will. Our relationship satisfaction is pretty darn high and STABLE for the first time in a long time.

There are days where life is easy, happy and filled with smiles. There are days when I can't stop thinking about the OW and all that my H's second life robbed from us. On those days I tell myself to just keep pressing forward, believing that in time even old and seemingly insurmountable wounds can heal.

My H finally seems free from OW and the difference in my H is black and white. He's working hard on our relationship and is going out of his way to meet my needs in ways he never did before. He's pitching in at home in meaningful ways and is making my life easier instead of harder for a change which is great.

Being the only one trying to save our marriage for so long was exhausting but worth it. I finally feel safe letting my hair down without panicking that every disagreement could lead to being served divorce papers. I'm not "out of the woods" but I'm feeling positive about things and wanted to share this update.

[Ss06]

This is super encouraging and something I really needed to read today.

Thanks for posting.

I wish you continued luck!!

[hope224]

This is encouraging because I have read your posts and hoped that it would work out. Hopefully, things will work or between my husband and I, though I don't think it will happen anytime soon. Thanks for sharing.

[slow_it_down]

Thanks for reading Ss06 and Hope. Early on I set my sights on what I wanted long term and tried not to get too caught up in how difficult any day, week, or month was. In my case I had a newborn that wouldn't remember what happened early on, so by setting my goal for what I wanted a year or two later, I gave myself permission to lean into uncertainty for a long time, even when the rest of the world, like family and friends, wanted things settled either for good or for bad.

Being in limbo is exhausting but I applaud everyone here for putting one foot in front of the other when just ending things seems so much easier. Hang in there!

[angel61]

Yes, take it easy. Been there, done that. Your H is on the right track....exactly what he did.

My BD was in 2010 and until now I still think of the OW and all the pain. I was able to finally open up to my H and let him know about all my heartache just this year, and he also told me about how much he regrets everything and wished that he never met OW. Talk about slow. But I wanted to make sure that what we had was unshakeable before giving in to my need to let it all out. He responded in exactly the way I hoped he would. I finally feel at peace.

[Vince H]

That's awesome Angel. You're an inspiration to us all.

[hope224]

My H is dating OW now it seems like. He told me as I asked him why he was out of town. He said he likes OW and there's something about her. Makes my gut wrench but I guess I should just be patient and work on my 180s. He used to tell me that he doesn't want to be in a relationship but he actually likes her enough to drive all the way to see her for a couple of hours.

[slow_it_down]

My H was ENGAGED to marry his OW, the only problem, he never divorced me! He told his OW so many untruths that their relationship was never going to work out. Then, one day sitting in counseling with her to work on their relationship, he decided he wanted to be home. It just goes to show that you have no way of knowing where things will go Hope224.

I would recommend pretending OW doesn't exist. Just get out and enjoy your daughter. Join a moms group, or start your own even when u don't feel like being around others. Understand that even if you were perfect (loving, happy, supportive, doing fun things) he probably won't "see" you while he's distracted by her. If you have patience, and you don't make things worse by living the life if someone consumed by the pain of having an H seeing another woman, he may come back.

First things first, forget about him and do what you need to be happy. If he's not helping with the baby enough - call a sitter (no guilt trips). If he's w/ a skeevy person, keep some physical space. And SMILE because you are going to get through this!

[hope224]

How are you feeling now? What are you doing different in the M now?
My husband seems like he misses his family but seems like it is going to be a long time before he recommits. The difficult part now is getting friend's opinion. obviously, noone wants me to be with him anymore but i feel like i am patiently waiting for him to understand himself while i work on myself. Did you ever feel torn and frustrated and felt that you were being so defensive about the H?

[slow_it_down]

Listen, friends and family are great, but they don't have to commit to 18 years of driving back and forth dropping your kid off w/ an X. They see your struggle now in this moment but they probably aren't thinking about the fact that because you share a child you are going to be in each other's lives for a long time. Also, in my experience, the people who tell you to run away as fast as you can are the same people congratulating you when you work things out. You really have to know for yourself what you want and what you can endure to get it. You aren't weak for staying - you are strong. Never let anyone make you feel otherwise.

In terms of what is different, I'm trying to be more supportive of my H and I am also more accepting of who really is. For instance I found out that my H is a liar and lies as a defense mechanism. I don't mean that he's shady or a jerk, but that he lies to make himself appear to be better at things than he really is or to cover up difficult things going on at work. Before DBing I would have had 0 tolerance. Now, we are at a place where I can talk to him in a non accusatory way to talk about things he may have fudged a bit. Accepting his shortcomings takes a great deal of self control and love, and at times feels crazy. However, just because he struggles to tell the truth about even mundane things doesn't mean he isn't worthy of love.