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Originally Posted By: Maybell
I don't know how they don't notice, but isn't it a good thing that he finally DID notice and engage in a couple of things?


Yes, it was actually nice for him to be somewhat engaged, even if there was a time-delay on it! ;-) I'll take what I can get at this point.

Originally Posted By: Maybell

You sound strong and peaceful, keep doing what you're doing!!!


Thank you! I do feel much stronger than I did just a few weeks ago. I still tear up sometimes, I had to step out of church for a few minutes yesterday, but a lot of the time I'm ok. More good days than bad days.



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rppfl I read the same article. Kids in low conflict marriages that split are confused as to why. My boys have been trying to figure out what went wrong and they are trying to re adjust how they see us. In my sitch it is even more confusing because from 2 months before BD to now we are actually interacting more with each other and talking more.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
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I will say my kids (while still sad) seem less confused by the sitch and rather just confused by their Dad's behavior. The older 2 can see their dad is preoccupied and even the little one sees their dad is a bit "off." I just try to comfort and reassure them as I am navigating from territory I have no personal experience with other than books, sites, and therapy sessions.

I do think every sitch is different in how the WAS interacts with the kids. Please know that R is theirs to navigate and it will be whatever it is. All you can do is love your kids and be their rock during a challenging time. Please know that regardless of the outcome, you will be fine and your kids will be okay as well.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Originally Posted By: Georgiabelle

Please know that R is theirs to navigate and it will be whatever it is.


Because my kids are older, I think that I will do OK at this. I really try to stay out of it now. I encourage them to talk to their dad about what's on their mind, even offer to help the little one "practice" and find the right words with me beforehand. I believe that in the end, they will all have a great R with their dad. He's a good dad, and means well in his own cotton-candy-brain kind of way.



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So I just got back from a session with IC. She tells me I'm reserved, maybe too reserved for my own good, and that her dream for me is to be able to yell at H for a good solid hour. Ha! What she really meant, is that she wishes I would feel the freedom to express myself with H, even if that came across as yelling. A nice thought, the freedom to express myself. Something I'm working on.

She asked me if I ever felt passion for H and why I M him in the first place. I've expressed those thoughts on my thread before, that no, intense passion was never part of the equation, but I had what I thought were solid reasons for M him, including the fact that I did love him. It makes me wonder, though, if I had chosen someone for passion, where would I be now? I always thought that passion would fade, but the reasons I had were going to be valid always. And then that didn't work out.....so, was I wrong to start with?

I guess the theme of the session is that RPP is too uptight and needs to cut loose a little. Certainly not IC's words, that's my own crude translation. But something to think about.



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I dunno about the passion thing. H and I started out with high passion...and look at where we are now.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
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Last night turned out to be interesting. H and I had a long heart to heart talk last night at some point well past midnight. It was the first real conversation we've had since BD. He said things that were hard to hear but the information I as looking for as far as what went wrong. I said things that had been bottled up for years. I listened, validated, and expressed myself in a way that was long overdue. I didn't beg, plead, or talk about reconciliation at all. I don't know that it will make any difference to our M, but it made a difference to me and my journey. I can hear hard things without getting defensive. I can express myself and nothing bad happens. I can recognize that what I thought was anger in H may turn out to cloak some other emotion. In that regard, the conversation was perfectly timed, I don't know that I could have had the same conversation five months ago. But I'm exhausted this morning, 5:30am rolls around early.



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So what did he say that were hard to hear? Share if or when you can.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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He said that in the past few years, he had felt like we had no communication between us, that whenever he tried to talk about the R, I would get defensive and shut down. That he felt like I was abrasive to him and to the kids. That he felt like it was "my way or the highway." And that he honestly thought that if he had an A, I wouldn't care at all.

Are all those things true? They are as true as the feelings I expressed to him, so , yes they are true for him. What he intended as expressing concerns about our relationship, I heard as criticism about my closet and my appearance. Which put me on the defensive and I would lash out and then shut down. Total disconnect there. But last night I was able to hear his concerns/criticism and not get defensive. We actually talked about some things.

Abrasive to him? Yes, as noted above. Abrasive to the kids? Not in my opinion, but I'll watch for it.

Always had to have my way? I kind of feel the opposite, that he pretty much always got his way. But again, I heard it, didn't get defensive, and I'll keep an eye out for it.

On the flip side, last night was the first time I'd really expressed to him that I wasn't happy before BD, either. I told him that, just like he did, I felt unheard in our M. That he showed anger when I expressed my emotions, frustration, fear, sadness. He always seemed really angry if I dared to cry in front of him. I told him that made me feel as if I weren't allowed to be human, and so I completely shut down expressing my emotions so I wouldn't have to incur his wrath.

I can see how we both created a big destructive cycle. H expresses concern, I perceive it as criticism. I feel like I can't express my emotions without incurring anger (which is to be avoided at all costs), so I shut down. H sees me shut down and doesn't felt heard. Rinse and repeat for a few years. Disaster. Maybe he caught on, maybe he didn't. But that information is something I can carry forward with me, and that makes the pain have some benefit.



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I Hindi my H and I could have written what you just shared. I'm so glad you had that conversation. How are you feeling now?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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