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bdub, what would you have preferred she say to them? And I'm not asking that in a sharp tone. I'm curious. Parents often try to make unpalatable situations easier in that way.

What would have liked to add?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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RPP,

Your kids will figure out what is happening in a short period of time My xh spoke very little as he wanted me to deliver the news. I just said essentially "your Dad and I love you very much and that will never change. Your Dad will be moving out this weekend am". When I said I needed to chat with them, they asked if we were having another baby:-(. When they asked why he was moving out, xh did say he wanted to work on not yelling at them. My kids were blindsided and understandably confused. We had a very low conflict house. Nonetheless, their Dad was perplexed as to why they were upset and I didn't really see it as beneficial to try to explain to him why that was so. That crazy logic thing.

I don't want to sugarcoat stuff. I AM navigating from foreign terrain. However, I've reminded the kids I'm here for them. They are in therapy and they can ask me anything. I did tell them about the D (their Dad never mentioned it) and they had some legal questions and other things (not that you will end up with a D). At this point, they have discovered and witnessed many untruths from their dad. He will either address that or not. No control over that. Things will work out the way they are supposed to-that much I know.

I can tell you that our house has a sense of peace as never felt before. Even xh's mother comments. My advice to you would be don't build it up more in your head than what it is. Its a difficult discussion and it's heartbreaking (it was a freaking gut buster seeing their little faces asking him not to leave them). However, we survived and so will you my friend. You will be okay!

Hope the day is wonderful for you :-)



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BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
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labug I guess I dont really know. We agreed to try to make it as easy as possible on the boys. IMHO that is the only way to go. My only problem with the way we presented it to them was the lie about it being a mutual agreement.
I even supported what she told them about the new adventure. The reason I mentioned it was because I am afraid it will become an issue down the road. After reading that sentence I realize that I am borrowing trouble.


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Part of the reason we chose to tell them early was to prepare them for the change. With being in the same house we have been able to continue to present a united front. However the tough questions will not come until after she moves. The reason I stated we went to far with protecting them was that I want to prepare them for what is coming. Currently they are thinking about being around their buddies and playing at the park. they have not considered riding a different bus, explaining to friends why they moved to town, being shuttled between 2 houses, or having parents that are stressed to the max because of finances, separation and an uncertain future.

Of all the issues re: a D, kids are by FAR the toughest.


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Quote:
Currently they are thinking about being around their buddies and playing at the park. they have not considered riding a different bus, explaining to friends why they moved to town, being shuttled between 2 houses, or having parents that are stressed to the max because of finances, separation and an uncertain future.

Those are your concerns, they may not be your children's. They'll handle it if they have to with your help and support.

I don't think we should short circuit emotions that our kids have and it sounds like your W might have been trying to do that. it might be helpful to say, being sensitive the the level of understanding of the individual child, that things might feel very different for a while but you're there to listen to whatever they have to say, without judgment.

I think most of us do try to manage our kids emotions because we don't like seeing them hurt. We don't allow them to learn to manage on their own with our support.

And here we are as adults trying to learn to mange our emotions.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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very profound labug. I sort of let my W take the lead on this because shes an elementary school teacher. I should add that after we initially told them we decided to take a different approach with each one individually. S13 internalizes a lot and s10 is still very egocentric. Kids around that age think the world revolves around them. A lesson I learned from coaching baseball, basketball and soccer. A lesson reinforced by W's teaching experiences.
We have to draw it out of S13 to get him to talk. I hate doing it because it feels like we are dredging it all up and making it fresh in his mind again. However, by talking about it he is learning more and more and is asking questions that lead us to believe he is coping and trying to figure it out.

S10 is just ticked off because we moved some of his toys to make room for w's bed downstairs. Then, the next week he wants to move so he can play with friend X is lives a few doors down from the new place.


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I told my H I wouldn't lie to our D14 about it, but I support what he wanted to tell her (with me present) as long as it was the truth. So he told her that he needed some time and space to "find himself" and decide what he wants for his future. So he was moving out, and she will be splitting time with us at the two houses. It was all very vague from him, which left our D14 very sad and confused at the time. It's still totally confusing about why this is happening because he's not being honest about the *real* reason (someone else, likely). But whatever.
I just knew I couldn't lie to my daughter because as soon as she would ask a follow-up question about why this was happening, I wouldn't have an answer for her.
But it depends a lot on the age and maturity of the child, I think, as to how you approach it.

Last edited by Ahoy; 09/26/14 07:03 PM.

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Good morning DB-ers. Another weekend gone by, still in limbo. We went to a party Saturday night and had a good time. Funny that a friend of mine commented that H was "attentive", getting me drinks, etc. He plays the game well, as do I. Nothing else of note, lots of kid stuff, sleepover, soccer game, basketball game (this is the team I coach, we won, yay!). House stuff, church, regular weekend.

After church Sunday morning, it was just the two of us at breakfast, so I took the opportunity to ask about his apartment shopping, one of the few subjects he can go on and on about. Apparently, the first two weeks of the month are better shopping that the last two, so it seems like the next two weeks will be a window of opportunity. Who knew there was a cycle to it? I don't know if he'll be on target to tell the kids the weekend that S18 will be home. I will wait and see. I go back and forth as to whether I'm actually looking forward to him moving out, but I'm not longer afraid of it. I still hate it for my kids, though. I've had time to process the idea, they will only get a week or two.

I've said before that H's brain seems to be stuffed with cotton candy. Looking back, in the few months before BD, I was actually starting to be concerned about him that he seemed to forget conversations, etc. I had no idea why, of course, but I thought it was starting to be a problem, and wondered if he was functioning at work OK. I'm so naïve. This weekend he did a couple of things that showed me just how far back this goes. One, he apparently just now noticed my kombucha brewer. I've been brewing, bottling, and drinking kombucha in front of him since January. He has to see the bottles every time he opens the fridge. Two, he told my D16 and I that he recently found out that she qualifies for special ACT/SAT/PSAT/school midterm, testing accommodations because of her medical condition. I took care of that paperwork two years ago when she was a freshman, and she's had to leave the house an hour early for every test she's taken since then. How does he not remember/notice that? It's a mystery.



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I don't know how they don't notice, but isn't it a good thing that he finally DID notice and engage in a couple of things?

You sound strong and peaceful, keep doing what you're doing!!!


Me42, H40
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Originally Posted By: Georgiabelle

My kids were blindsided and understandably confused. We had a very low conflict house.


I read the other day that kids actually "do better" with a separation/divorce when the parents have been fighting in front of them. When everything seems OK, they just don't understand what went wrong and have a harder time processing it. I get that, I don't really know what went wrong, either. Yes, I can point to some things that each of us could have done better, but in my opinion, those things weren't ground for divorce. Not that I advocate fighting in front of the children, I don't. But I thought the article was interesting.



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