Blindsided but finding my way (part 4)

[SunnyB]

I think I'm going to call my next thread Life in Limbo, because that's what I'm living right now. Absolutely nothing going on at my house. I picked H up from work because he had taken D16's car into the shop and it wasn't ready. Got takeout for dinner, which believe it or not is a HUGE change for me, but it's a place that H likes, so that was fine. That's sincerely about it, just another low key evening at home with nothing to report.

Yesterday H told me about a party he wanted to "stop by" on Saturday. That was his way of extending an invitation, so that's on the calendar. Other than that, it will be a regular weekend, soccer, basketball, house chores, church. Life in limbo.

[Ahoy]

yes, they are all in the delusional fog. My H said that our daughter would be fine and that it would actually be good for her if we got D because "then she'd get to know as as real people." Who the heck has he been all these years if not a real person? A fake one? Apparently so. So yes, our daughter is getting to see him as a different person, not necessarily a good one though. So there's that. They think that if they are happy everyone else will be, regardless of their hurtful choices. Pure delusion. That being said, I have seen that my daughter is more resilient than I expected. She was sad and angry the first couple of months, but she's gotten used to the situation now, and shuttles between our two houses without drama. It makes me sad in some ways that this is the new normal, but I guess I should be glad that she's doing okay with it.

[SunnyB]

That being said, I have seen that my daughter is more resilient than I expected. She was sad and angry the first couple of months, but she's gotten used to the situation now, and shuttles between our two houses without drama. It makes me sad in some ways that this is the new normal, but I guess I should be glad that she's doing okay with it.

That's all I can hope for. I wanted sooooo desperately to shield my kids from this. I would have severed my right arm for this to all go away and them not know. But, H is apartment shopping with renewed vigor after his last disappointment, and I have come to accept that the move is going to happen. I have shifted my focus to what can I do to make it as easy on my kids as possible. But it still breaks my heart for them because it's just so unnecessary. And it breaks my heart because I don't know that I'll ever feel the same about a man that would do that to his own children.

[Ahoy]

I hear you, rppfl. It will likely be difficult at first, and you're smart to brace yourself to be there to support your children's emotional needs. But life will go on for all of you. And by living separately it might change his perspective on things (or not -- no expectations). But it will be a change, and changes are challenging.

Although I still struggle with not knowing fully why my H left, I can say that the separation and sharing child care has gotten easier over the course of the past two months. I hope that gives you some comfort.

[raliced]

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. If I did I would probably feel a lot more confident about the situation with my own kids. I hear your concern about not ever being able to look at someone who hurts your kids in the same way. I've felt that too. At the moment I think my H is so out of it, and I think is oblivious to how much this will hurt them, so I'm giving him a bit of a pass (it irks me that he seems to focus on his need to see them and not the other way around). If I ever detect that he really understands the damage he is doing and moves forward anyway that might actually be a gamechanger for me.

[bdub]

rppfl: We were advised to present a united front. W and i sat down and planned out what we would say and how we would say it. We decided to break it into 3 different talks.
I cannot tell you if its the right way or not. However, I can tell you we made a few mistakes. 1) We called a family meeting, first time ever, and made a pretty big production out of it. That set the boys immediately into defense mode and they were not receptive at all.
2) We agreed to state that it was a mutual decision. This lie has been a HUGE issue since we stated it. After a little bit of questioning from s13 I decided I could not continue to deceive them so I told them it was not my decision. Once I go that out in the open I can talk freely with them, especially s13.

[SunnyB]

We agreed to state that it was a mutual decision. This lie has been a HUGE issue since we stated it. After a little bit of questioning from s13 I decided I could not continue to deceive them so I told them it was not my decision. Once I go that out in the open I can talk freely with them, especially s13.

Thanks for the sharing and support. I have already stated plainly that I will not lie to my kids, they are just too old for that. I don't feel the need to volunteer information, but if they ask, I just can't honestly say that this is what I want. It's not. I'm going to have to find some way to present that without throwing H under the bus.

[wmwb123]

I'm going to have to find some way to present that without throwing H under the bus.

This is just my opinion, but simply stating the facts to your children is not throwing H under the bus. He crawled under there of his own volition. To me, the difference would be:

1) Daddy's decided he wants to be with another woman rather than live with us.
2) Daddy's decided he wants to be with another woman rather than live with us, so that means he doesn't love you, and you should treat him as if he were dead to you.

[labug]

rrp, say as little as possible. Your kids are older but the ins and outs of their parents sex and love lives isn't their business and shouldn't be made their business. The older kids will see on their own which way the wind blows, the younger may or may not.
If they ask questions that are dad's to answer, send them to dad.

What these kids need most right now is love and understanding and support. They don't need to be in the middle. When we start telling truths, we never know how that will be viewed by the person we're talking to.

This is so difficult.

[bdub]

I agree with labug. We shared no details. I have not been asked specifically about anything other than a name that appeared on W's phone. I told s13 that he would have to ask W about that because it was her phone.

We went way to far with being nice about it. W even had them thinking it was going to be great fun because they have friends in town, live close to a little park, and will be having a " new adventure".
Since we had the initial talk the "honeymoon" phase has already started to wear off. Just in the last few days S10 and S13 have both expressed some reservations about going.

We did, and still do, reinforce that we both love them and support them and will always be their parents. We also make sure that they know they played no part in what happened.