Please help me

[Jefe]

I'm in protection mode for myself because I am feeling like a giant blob of anguish and despair. I know this sounds heavy duty but it's honestly the way I feel. I would like to reconcile but it's too painful for me to have contact with him at this point since he is having A. Will be working on myself. Wondering if not responding to his texts is a mistake and if I should try to "be friends" despite the enormous pain. I would continue to not initiate contact but would respond to texts at least and maybe be home when he visits D17 and D23. So confused as to what to do.

Man, I get it. I really do.
He's making an attempt. It wont hurt you to respond.

[25yearsmlc]

First off read the Newbie rules again and take in what you can. I sense that your pain is overwhelming you.

To an extent, that is a choice.
You need to get a grip on the pain and hold it down some. Do you know what I mean? You will need to function more, soon. And since the marriage has been troubled for some time I think you have more coping skills than you've given yourself credit for. IF need be, then compartmentalize more.

Also did you look at the youtube videos I suggested?? IT's not a lot of effort to watch them and then spend some energy taking in their messages.

You realize that what you are doing right now, can't be your long term strategy. Do you see that yet?

I'm in protection mode for myself because I am feeling like a giant blob of anguish and despair. I know this sounds heavy duty but it's honestly the way I feel.

I get it. You are not being overly dramatic. Most of us here, felt as you feel. Your pain stinks, and it's real, but it's not unique. Nor is it fatal and NOR IS IT ETERNAL....it shall pass. IF YOU WANT to be happy again, you will be.

Because in the long run, happiness is a choice we make JUST as loving someone is also a choice.

When you are ready to not feel this bad, you will begin to make the changes needed to be happy again. We all had to endure a lot of grief at first, but most of us got to a point where we felt sick & tired of being sick & tired and we were so ready for a change, that we MADE the changes we needed to make.

Here is a question I'd like you to "trust" me with. Meaning, I want you to IMAGINE the answer to this hypothetical, for just a few minutes....okay...here it is.

IMAGINE that your h passed away suddenly...you are shocked and saddened and you grieve...then some amount of time passes and you now find yourself mostly healed.

IMAGINE that you are happy again, but without your h....

What are you doing in this new life of yours? Are you working? If so, where? Doing what?
Are you taking classes, or studying a language or taking up a new hobby? Do you like crafts and yoga or are you the hiking type, or art classes or current events type or all? OR do you know yet?

Where are you living? Please, Describe your life in some detail and what your days and evenings might be like, in this happy but without your h, life....

FLESH IT OUT in a lot of details and really spend a few minutes imagining this..
Are you dating?
Do you see yourself casually dating for companionship, or falling in love and having another committed r again? Are you traveling a lot?

Okay so, now you have seen this life of yours, in your control, with you being happy, and without your h.

So, what of those^^^ activities, can you do...NOW?

Other than having OM in your life, you need to begin doing those --- NOW.


I would like to reconcile but it's too painful for me to have contact with him at this point since he is having A.

Well, reconciling without ever seeing him seems unrealistic to me. I assume you agree. So I assume that your not seeing him is with the understanding that it cannot be permanent OR is it your "Hail Mary" approach?

A few people have done that, which means decided they'd rather do nothing to see their WAS, and hope that some miracle occurs to get them back together, than to make an effort and see it rejected in person.

I don't recommend that approach b/c I have not seen it work, though it probably feels easier to you at this moment. But in the long run if you really do want a reconciliation - well yes it will take work on your end...and at some point on his end.

So, what do you think your H WOULD SAY about marriage to you, if he were asked? And of those complaints, are there any you wish to work on?

You did say you are going to work on yourself, but what does that mean, specifically?

The more specific you are, the more believable the changes and the easier the changes are to make AND the easier to assess progress with.

Otherwise it's so vague and amorphous it's hard to know if you are really "DOING" anything new or different. For instance, Saying "be kinder" is too vague. But saying "complimenting h at least once a day with an authentic word of praise"...is specific.

Saying "do nice things" is hard to measure or quantify but saying "make h his favorite dinner at least 2 times a week, and give him a back rub 2 times a week" are things you can do and gauge.

I bet a good 180 for you, would be your initiating sexual contact (I know you dot feel that right now, I know ) But since there is no contact, that's impossible.

IF you can figure out a way to be around him down the road, like when he sees your d, then being as warm as possible will help (Can't hurt ) and dressing a bit more suggestively - to show that you are a sensual woman, (NOT necessarily pursuing him, but interested in warm human contact is KEY) and or always see him for a minute but then you are leaving the house to GAL and you're "busy
going to new interesting places, meeting fascinating new people and doing fun new things"... would be a way to show him the new you without prolonging your agony. Fake it for 5 minutes and get out...

Being warm and upbeat will help---see the Rules again and figure out how to pull it off. B/c if you never see him, well, ---you will never see him....


Will be working on myself. Wondering if not responding to his texts is a mistake

I believe it's a mistake. It does not make you look good or calm or loving and you are not giving him anything to miss. Merely replying to texts is not being a doormat and it's not pursuing him.

MY DB coach said to "listen like a lover" when h would tell me his work problems and I think unless your h discusses his affair problems with you (hard to imagine as it would be wildly inappropriate)

I would think talking on the phone would be manageable, esp if you are mostly LISTENING...

BTW have you hired a DB coach? They sure can be helpful. Though some will say "but they are expensive", to that I say, "and So is divorce".

Plus, the 3 session package was about the same price as a therapist is in our area, but a lot more pro marriage and much more solution based....

and if I should try to "be friends" despite the enormous pain. I would continue to not initiate contact but would respond to texts at least

responding to texts is more like not being rude, in my opinion. I can't see how he can interpret your ignoring his outreach in a positive light. And even if he thinks "Well that is what I get for having an affair", I cannot see him ending the affair for the 'gift' of you answering his texts.

I would worry more that you ignoring his texts will eventually seem like you ignoring his other methods of outreach within the marriage, if you get my point...

and maybe be home when he visits D17 and D23. So confused as to what to do.

I can suggest to you a route but you are free to ignore it of course.

I'd suggest you set a goal of 1) hire a DB coach for 3 sessions to begin with
(i ultimately had 15 sessons with my DB coach, over about an 18 month period. Money well spent I'd say).

2) replying to texts with courteous answers, w/an eventual goal of answering with humor or warmth, within 2 weeks;

and 3) being able to be in his presence for 5 minutes, by late next week.

Then when he is there to see your d, you are on your way out...and using those "Rules" to live by for those minutes. (i.e. looking your best, having an 'awakening', etc)

Then get the heck out of the house to GAL, and if need be, and you cannot get a friend to meet up, then see a movie by yourself if need be, and then shop for an hour. Without lying, Be a bit mysterious about where you are going and with whom.

And know that your d's are watching you A LOT, so please do not fall apart on them. They need you more now than ever,

AND know that someday they will each face a setback or betrayal and or broken heart. Show them that their pain can be deep but not fatal, lasting but not eternal so that they know when it happens to them, they will not be defeated...b/c you won't be.

Make sense?

[Jefe]

"MY DB coach said to "listen like a lover" when h would tell me his work problems "

Excellent advice, 25.

[25yearsmlc]

I agree that your H will notice your changes when it's time. Working on you can take a few weeks or months, until you develop new skills, a new wardrobe, a positive attitude, etc. We have to resist the urge to show every little step along the way so as to surprise them later with a new person.

The deep changes in us usually take a long time. The changes the WAS will believe in, will take longer. The biggest fear of most WAS's is that if they reconcile, WE -the LBS'ers will revert to our old ways. Seems ironic b/c WE feel so much fear about reconciling b/c how will WE KNOW if they are sure?
But see it from their point of view, b/c for them to have left a marriage in which we felt love for them, they must have felt very lonely and or hurt/rejected for a long time. Longer than we care to admit...

In that case, I think her h has a deep rooted fear that m to her requires celibacy of him, and physical loneliness he's not willing to live with. He's not unusual in that trait.



I agree it's awfully difficult to be patient in the meantime. In fact, you're ahead of me because taking actions to make changes is much harder for me than doing the "passive" things like not communicating.

And it's important to be honest and fair in assessing this^^ "approach"...it does take the least amount of effort on our part. And IN terms of what they see from us,

What is the difference between us "not communicating" and us just "giving up/not trying"??

Not much difference, I'm afraid.

I think the passive "ACT" of just "not communicating" can also look like passive aggression,

and or "Conflict avoidance"---- (which ironically, almost always leads to far more conflict, in the long run)
and it's simply another way of choosing to do nothing but calling it something.


@25yearsmic Thanks a lot for your answers; they are inspiring even if they're not about my own situation. I'm very interested to read full stories of people who went through it with the DB method. Do you have a thread where you tell your story? Thanks!

I don't know if my thread got purged in the "Great Purge" of DB land a month ago but I had many threads. And I hate reading them again b/c I was a slow learner.

I spend so much time (at least a year of my life that I won't get back) asking questions that had No good answers, like "WHY??"

and spending energy wondering what my h was doing/thinking/planning/ feeling and NOT enough time on ME and MY life and my kids.

Til about a year or 14 months into things when I realized my m was probably over.

My goal was to get my oldest d thru high school and then figure out my course of action.
I Came to believe I was really, truly going to be alright in the end. I even felt sorry for my h b/c I knew he was losing more than I was. I made the needed changes in myself, (no more bitter resentment from me, no more crossing my arms, figuratively or literally, b/c I did not want to 'reward' my h for his bad behavior--working long hours and choosing his career over family when I should have realized my approach was NOT working -even if I had a good point, it wasn't being made--and so I should have tried something new. Like maybe giving him a warm loving home to miss!!

Anyhow, the peace I came to feel inside, began to radiate from within and I GAL like crazy. I think I began to look like the good catch I believed I was...

Before our oldest d had graduated, h had his own awakening....but I can address that more later on a new thread of my own to recap things.

Suffice to say I wish I'd taken the focus OFF my h a lot sooner and put it all on me and MY life, a lot sooner. That would have shortened the life of the painful ordeal, but OTOH, I'm a better woman for it. For whatever that is worth.

[dgb60]

Thank you 25yearsmlc for all of the advice you have given me. I do wonder if not responding to H's texts will make him think I was being passive aggressive rather than just too painful for me to deal with. I am thinking about what you said about feeling that you wasted a year of your life asking WHY? I am going to make an effort to try to put the focus on myself instead of trying to understand this insanity.

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you 25yearsmlc for all of the advice you have given me. I do wonder if not responding to H's texts will make him think I was being passive aggressive rather than just too painful for me to deal with.


But even if he does think it's because it's too painful for you to deal with, how does that help you at all? Guilt will NOT get him home to stay. It will turn him off more. Sorry...You want him to realize/believe he's losing a great catch, NOT leaving a pathetic needy clinger....



I am thinking about what you said about feeling that you wasted a year of your life asking WHY? I am going to make an effort to try to put the focus on myself instead of trying to understand this insanity.

You must focus on you. There is NO answer in his heart/mind that will make you feel like "Oh, its ALL so understandable NOW" and or, that will ease your pain.

Really, what is it that you hope he's feeling? (Other than horrible regret, which you 'd know about by now)?

My statement that there is no satisfactory answer is what I learned after a year of asking "Why????" And if you ever do track down my thread you will see that I am telling the truth.

A DB friend finally read my WHOLE thread and she said "25, you were right, you DID ask 'why' a lot!" And when I stopped asking why, the only thing left was for me to look in the mirror and say "what now?"

And the answer is "write the rest of the book that is to be your life. Don't let someone else or some 'outside event' or external factor, write it for you. Be the author of your life."

When I had my own awakening, with some pivotal moments happening over a few months time, I felt different, pretty thoroughly. And that showed. As I think I shared with you earlier, (I think it was you??)

When you are at peace within, when you KNOW you have done your true best and have fixed your "stuff" - and become the best YOU that you can be, then you can turn it over to God and hold your head up and go in peace. I did. And it showed.

MANY people commented on how content I seemed and they were right. After all the grief and pain I had endured, I finally found my way. And it showed and that made a difference in how I felt and behaved and how I was seen...

and one gets noticed more, when one is happy inside and out.

Make sense?

[dgb60]

You are right. I don't want H to see a pathetic, needy clinger - and I really do feel pathetic. I just wish now that I would have responded to his 2 texts. I know he will not text again since I didn't respond.

[Jefe]

You are right. I don't want H to see a pathetic, needy clinger - and I really do feel pathetic. I just wish now that I would have responded to his 2 texts. I know he will not text again since I didn't respond.

Don't be so quick, keep to door open for it.

[25yearsmlc]

Hey,

no SiNGLE act or omission or comment, will determine the outcome of this, short of violence.

You can wait for another text or send a simple one yourself. But make sure it's factual and ONLY about the kids or a business matter than cannot wait. I'm sorry I cannot recall the ages of your kids at the moment and can't check it while I'm on the computer typing. Assuming they're young enough, this applies and if not, if they are older, then come up with analogous situations. "H, the dishwasher broke again and the latest estimate seems high to me. Am thinking of replacing it, but wanted your input. Any thoughts?" This way you are involving him without blaming him. And you are not forcing him to "Come over" and be with you, but if he wants to "look at the dishwasher himself, you can choose whether to stay or be gone.

And when you feel up to it, you can "share" kid news that might make him wish he was part of the family more. Like a photo --a note that says "here is son right after he made his foul shot" and send that.

OR something like that^^, so he can wish he'd been there in person, but NOT in a way that makes it seem as if you are blaming him or chastising him.

Make sense?

[dgb60]

H sent me a text this morning saying that he misses me and misses the kids "horribly". He went on to say that, "None of us sees very far into the future" and wonders if it will ever feel important for me to talk to him again. I texted back that I missed him also and that I was sorry for not answering his previous texts. I said he is missing so many things regarding our daughters since we've separated. I told him that he is free to come over any time whether I am there or not but that I probably won't be able to stay for his entire visit until I have completely detached. I asked if I could email him from time to time and he said my emails are ALWAYS welcome even if he doesn't like the message. I know I need to continue working on detaching and GAL-ing. Any other suggestions? I really had to fight the urge to bring up OW.