I'm back again after thinking his small scraps of kindness were a sign that things were better.
I was here in 2006 as a newlywed, when he bombed me around Christmas time over a disagreement over him not wanting to attend my work party with me. It went from this to I don't love you anymore in less than 10 minutes while trying to get him in the car. I lost weight, went to ic, worked out, gave him space. Cried, slept alone in the bedroom, I just wanted to die. I was at that time reading db books, trying to not beg plead and reason. I don't know what happened exactly, but I remember two things I did that changed everything. 1) I stopped trying to explain away his need to move out and divorce me, and at the same time told him if he did this to expect to pay over a thousand dollars per month in child support. 2). I hurt both my ankles at curves and he softened towards me when both feet were in those giant blue Velcro shoes. We seemed to move on after that around February , nothing more was said after that, but I had a mouth full of resentment, and I kept my distance. Said a lot less, and a wall went up between us. We continued with vacations, family get togethers, house remodeling, work, ml sometimes. As normal as I knew things.
I even think after months had gone by, he might have come to me and apologized , said he did love me, said he was sorry.
One thing I need to make clear is my h is a alcoholic, drinks everyday after work, and as soon as his eyes open on weekends. This was the main friction between us always. When you are married to a alcoholic you deal with embarrassment , settling for less, arguments about how they shouldn't drive constantly, why the sex life has suffered, which to them seems like your critical , mothering, telling them there not a man.
Years went by, more distance, walls, spent less time together, and didn't have PC for over 3 years. I felt if he loved his drinking so much, wasn't interested in family or what my wants were, I would keep to myself. He started staying in the garage day after day, got him a wood burning stove, some recliners, giant tv and made him a man cave. He told me it was for football season, so he would bother me with all the yelling and noise. I started getting very resentful at each missed opportunity to go somewhere, do something as a family, or how he never wanted to spend time with just me, go out on a date, hold my hand. Just nothing! He never came in the house, stopped all projects even maintenance , didn't step foot inside except to use the bathroom, sleep in the bed, or open the bills. I worked, cleaned, took care of the animals and our dd 12, slept lots, and played games on the computer while he spent all his time in the man cave with all the neighbors, doing odd jobs for the neighbors, fixing the neighbors cars, etc... And drinking of course. Last year I was laying in bed, playing games real early on New Year's Eve, when I had had all I could take of this, I loved my h and decided I would except the drinking, and join him in the man cave if that's what it took. I wanted to get to know him again, I wanted affection, and love. I wanted my h back. I had a long. Talk with him, telling him my wishes and he said to me this
1) you hurt me and broke my heart years ago, by rejecting his attempts of affection 2) you say everything I do is wrong, you think I'm a piece of s&it 3) you have no respect for me, 4) you made me what I am, I'm done, I was done a long time ago 5) only staying so I don't take him for everything he has 6) I'm fake, I'm a liar, I am only saying these things to him because I'm getting older and have limited options. 7) that he knows it won't work, I will go back to my ways, and he had no heart left, that I ripped it out of him . 8) he's happy I'm in pain, overjoyed that I now can feel what he felt. 9) and to leave him alone!
I couldn't have been more upset, I thought we both were to blame, but he says it's all me
So of course this sends me into a anxious, begging, pleading , reasoning , needy, cycle
Got a Db coach right away, read my DVD books, stopped all talk of the r Trying to gal, thinking of 180's
And just 2 more things I want to ad to my sitch
He started sleeping in the garage every night now And even though he's called me stupid, satan, hateful, can't stand me, all my fault, crazy and disrespectful, he says he loves me.
I'm so tired of this, I'm sincerely sorry about my part, I just want to be happy with my h, after all I choose him even knowing about the drinking. So I just want to experience some peace and feel loved again. I am to the point I would do anything to get him on board with repairing our r. He gets off the charts disrespectful anymore, draws back from all touch. Wants nothing to do with me. I walk around consumed with doomed thoughts and I am absolutely filled with fear he will divorce me. I can't undue the past, I can however make the rest of my life different. He just keeps saying he's done! I don't even have to be saying anything to him for this to happen. He loves me but he can't stand me!
What in the world do I do now, seems another waste of time to hold onto the past. I hate also that I am 100% sincere at wanting to show love , and be happy with h! don't care about his faults. But he calls me a liar.
M 2005 ~together 1997 Bd 2006 & 04/02/2014 1 dd 12 H~ 44 Me 48
So I have made a list of what the h would say are the most irritating things about me, than I looked up the opposite online and came up with things like : 1) mean/nice 2) disrespectful / considerate 3) nagging/reassuring ,comforting 4) needy/ undemanding 5) criticize / praise 6) fake/ honest, genuine 7) attack/ retreated,support, console 8) boring/ alluring ,fabulous, energizing 9) hateful/loving, affectionate , kind 10) reject/defend, cherish ,accept
I wanted to look at it on paper, see if some keywords popped out at me, so I could use them as my 180's
M 2005 ~together 1997 Bd 2006 & 04/02/2014 1 dd 12 H~ 44 Me 48
I also am giving h space right now since he basically says he's been sleeping in the garage because I annoy him. I have heard him say I rejected affection so many times that he's done, that he was broken hearted years ago, and that now I can see what that felt like. Anyway, as I came home from work I said hello, and that was about it, to which he responded by giving me a peck of a kiss. Don't know what's on his mind, since he blames me for everything, and then after spewing hells fire and hate of biblical proportions he sits calmly after a few days, and gives me a kiss. The Db coach told me not to argue with his feelings, but not to alow him to cuss at me or verbally abuse , that I am to leave the room and tell h I'm not going to be talked to like that.. So far I have been able to do this, instead of shutting down and being silent. Got lots of work ahead, gal is not something I embrace right now. But I will press on.
M 2005 ~together 1997 Bd 2006 & 04/02/2014 1 dd 12 H~ 44 Me 48
So I went out with my family yesterday to visit my aunt in the assisted living, out to eat and to one of those big farm markets/ pumpkin patches and last to get ice cream. I have been cleaning our house all week, organizing closets, getting rid of the clutter, as well as trying to take care of my appearance , and giving h space. Some things I noticed. Was
H has no interest in helping me with anything inside this house, won't unclog sinks, finish projects, fold a load of laundry, feed the animals, take out any trash, nothing at all if it is inside this house.
Now if it pertains to his garage where he has slept for about two weeks, he will show ownership, keep it clean, take out the trash , but only his trash. He will only do his laundry, and will throw anything of me or my daughters aside in a basket to wrinkle. He will go get himself fast food, but won't offer me anything.
He just sits out there aside from work watching tv, watching every football game, playing video games, drinking beer and is not interested in anything that has anything to do with me and d, the house, our lives, his pets, If I go out there and sit for a minute he doesn't initiate any conversation, and stares through me to his tv.
N If I were to start any kind of friendly banter I usually get spoken to with anger, or he rolls his eyes at me while he tells me I do nothing but talk, I never shut up, or in a agitated tone says "get to the point" , just very rude and un-interested.
So I noticed if one of the neighbors come over to visit him, he is nice and friendly , looks at them when they talk, etc... I just feel hated.
I saw all the happy little families out at the orchard, the ice cream shop and was thinking that I wish I had a marriage like that. I would give anything to have my h want to go out with us as a family, Opening doors, spending his time with us.
He only hides as far away as possible from anything to do with me and d And the only thing important to him is that tv,
I've told him I hate that he has started sleeping in garage, that I wish he would at the least sleep in our bed, but he just won't. I guess I will struggle through this, trying to not chase scraps of attention and let his abandonment of our m not consume me.
It doesn't have to be like this, it's like he is straight sabotaging any chance at a happy m.
M 2005 ~together 1997 Bd 2006 & 04/02/2014 1 dd 12 H~ 44 Me 48
If I listen carefully at what he has told me , he's done, I annoy him, I talk to much, I am needy, I don't think much of him, I don't think he does anything right, I use him for a paycheck, on and on
I have in the past had many conversations on his feelings , even though I don't think he's worthless, I don't think these things about him, and I've told him I was sorry it seemed that way at times, he can't/ won't move past this, won't commit to our r, won't do much of anything that pertains to m. I have been Db for almost a year, sometimes more than others (be careful of false hope) , and I can't find a way back in his heart. I don't think he values me or this m, I can't get him to help me save our r, or even be respectful of me. But he claims he loves me, well if he loves me than why is he throwing me away?
M 2005 ~together 1997 Bd 2006 & 04/02/2014 1 dd 12 H~ 44 Me 48
Spent most of the day tackling neglected housework, cooking Mexican food, visiting with a Friend and very little contact with h. Need to pull back some more.
M 2005 ~together 1997 Bd 2006 & 04/02/2014 1 dd 12 H~ 44 Me 48
It sounds like you really need to refocus your DB skills. Just because you've been doing it for a year doesn't mean much if you aren't doing it as well as you can. GAL is very hard at first because it feels like giving up. Keep trying and you will eventually start to find yourself again. Only then will you be able to make changes that your H, or another man in the future, might find appealing and want to reconcile with. It also sounds like you are still doing rookie-level begging and pleading. That is not going to work, and will only drive him further into his cave and his bottle.
The alcoholism is also a huge obstacle that must be crossed. You aren't going to build a solid, loving marriage while your H is an addict. Do not buy the fact that he is the way he is solely because of you. He is a grown man and has to own up to his mistakes. Unfortunately for you, the motivated one in the R, it is his battle to fight. You can only be a cheerleader. I have no advice for the best course of action for the spouse of an alcoholic. I will have to differ to vets and professionals. But also, don't ignore the reasons he does blame you for his problems and current state. There is most likely some element of truth to most or all of it. THAT is part of what you should be focused on changing. If you are successful making and sustaining these major 180's in your life, you will be an improved, independent, wise, strong woman that gives your R the best chance of thriving. And it also sets you up to never go through something like this again if it doesn't work out with your H.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Yes I started Db last jan and at first things were going real well right off the bat, but after only two weeks he said I was fake, a liar, and that he doesn't believe that the change was real or that it would last.
And I do struggle with reasoning with him to try to get reassurances from him, my Db coach told me this is my biggest problem and I try each day not to ask questions (since he hates them) , and not to hover around, not to hang onto h with conversation, not to argue, basically not to do any of the things that trigger anger from h.
The thing with our r is, one week might be good, the next very bad, and when h gets angry he punishes me by ignoring me for weeks at a time.
some days he hates me, some days he loves me, sometimes we go away on a trip, sometimes he ignores me., and more often than not he is insulting, disrespectful, and wants to be as far away from me as possible.
Back and forth like this has given false hope more than once, and I forget to follow the rules when he looks like we're on the right track. But I never forget to show empathy for his feelings no matter what.
My h indeed has dropped bomb after bomb, disrespected me in front of not only our dd but my entire family on a trip very badly.
Told me at least three times he wanted a divorce, told me he's done!
So I feel I have for the most part letting him spew hate and anger at me for almost a year, and I have not fought him back, or argued his feelings away, which has worn me down.
Db coach gave me homework, to pull back on our interaction together, stay busy with gal and 180's, and the most important thing was to never allow h to cuss at me or disrespect me without telling him that's not ok, and to leave the room when it happens.
I am tired, and I fight the resentment that is building up with each day I try to be a good person, a kind person, and an apologetic person. I'm sorry that I rejected h years ago, I'm sorry I didn't noticed the damage, I can't go back and change anything. I m also sorry h doesn't see his drinking influenced my behavior at the time.
The rejection was my way of telling him his drinking was not ok, but it didn't stop the drinking, it caused him to feel unloved and he is bitter with a huge wall up. I indeed need to do a better job at my gal, sandys rules and 180, and I need to keep them consistent
Thank you for some insight. .
M 2005 ~together 1997 Bd 2006 & 04/02/2014 1 dd 12 H~ 44 Me 48
keep up with your 180s and really work on GAL. I think in your sitch working on GAL could really help you. The way I read it, you are going out to that garage to talk to him, and be with him. Since I am a fellow Ohioan, I am going to guess that will change pretty soon. My guess is that sometime within the next month he will start coming inside to get warm!
I wish I could help you with the alcohol issue. I hope one of the vets on this board will come by and have good advice for you!
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
