I think it is really lame that she has been unhappy for a while and only now tells me and is not even giving me or us a chance. After 12 yrs i deserve to not be treated like this.
Also, i am fairly certain she is rewriting history a lot. I know she was happy for a lot of the time we were together and she says she loves spending time with me but doesnt feel the passion between us.
Lastly, i believe she needs to look inside to find happiness and should stop looking for it from others. Yes i likely caused issues (see above) but i think she needs to figure out how she can be fulfilled. Maybe the answer is this other guy or the hard partying but somehow i doubt it.
This is all happening so quickly. I hope i can slow things down and let her get some perspective before she pulls the plug.
She came over last night. She brought dinner. I got a kiss hello at the begining with a comment about my breath being minty. I used listerine right before this. I was dressed up. I acted confident, didnt bring up relationship, focused on her, validated her a lot, listened a lot, etc. We talked about me for 5% of the time she was over. She said she was going to go to a costume party this friday that she was invited to by a work girlfriend. I know that OM will be there since he mentioned the party weeks ago via texts that i saw. When she left i got a kiss and a long hug. Then avcouple of minutes later when she was really leaving she came over to give me another kiss. After the kiss she lingered within 3ft of me and there was this tension. We both smiled and i didnt move at all - was trying to play hard to get. As she left to go downstairs to the garage we were looking into each others eyes the whole time. Right before this she said "this was nice" and "i had a good time". And she asked me if i had a good time.
Anyway super confused because she called the lawyer the previous day but didnt say anything about it.
FWIW- I think you are attaching way too much importance to that call to the lawyer. Someone in this type of situation can be confused and not really know what they want and they will still be checking with a lawyer to consider options. Yes- it appears to be one of several options she is considering - but everything in your situation is unsettled right now - so a mere call to lawyer does not mean she is determined to divorce. My .02.
FWIW- I think you are attaching way too much importance to that call to the lawyer. Someone in this type of situation can be confused and not really know what they want and they will still be checking with a lawyer to consider options. Yes- it appears to be one of several options she is considering - but everything in your situation is unsettled right now - so a mere call to lawyer does not mean she is determined to divorce. My .02.
Agreed
Me 34 W 30 T 13 M 8 BD 7/27/14 EA Confirmed 8/6/14 S 8/2/14 D Imminent
I quote the immortal words of Socrates who said "...I drank what?"
I agree! For instance, I've seen a lawyer to be on the safe side, but I definitely don't want a D at this time. She may have seen a lawyer out of fear that you would file against her for abandonment. You just never know.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
FWIW- I think you are attaching way too much importance to that call to the lawyer. Someone in this type of situation can be confused and not really know what they want and they will still be checking with a lawyer to consider options. Yes- it appears to be one of several options she is considering - but everything in your situation is unsettled right now - so a mere call to lawyer does not mean she is determined to divorce. My .02.
Agree. I have seen two L's and I'm not the WAS. The only way I would actually take action is if I saw H wasting marital assets, then I would take action to protect myself and my kids. But I felt like knowledge was power and I also needed to rid myself of some fears, which talking to the L's did. So don't mindread, you don't know why she went.
I think it is really lame that she has been unhappy for a while and only now tells me and is not even giving me or us a chance. After 12 yrs i deserve to not be treated like this.
Also, i am fairly certain she is rewriting history a lot. I know she was happy for a lot of the time we were together and she says she loves spending time with me but doesnt feel the passion between us.
Hi Seattle, so sorry to read what you're going through. This really resonated with me, I have almost the same timeline. Have been together almost 12 years, married for 3. Felt the same way, didn't realize she was so unhappy, and wish I had seen signs or she would have let me know. I'm not even sure she knew.
I hope your meeting with your coach goes well, and we're all pulling for you.
Me:33 W:32 T 12yrs M 3yrs House, No kids 6/16/14 BD 1+yr PA disclosed 9/1/14 Requested divorce, in house S
I second the comments made by GG. You are already sounding like you want to own the mistakes you made in your M which is truly great. One thing to remember though - she made mistakes too. Sometimes I find it useful to remind myself of that as it helps me moderate my thoughts and not beat myself up so much.
The declining spark was one of the reasons my H gave when he moved out, too. I can definitely see how I contributed to that…but he also has some responsibility for maintaining the spark and I can't really identify anything he did to try to improve the situation.
G
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
We texted a little bit this weekend. I had an athletic event that was pretty physically challenging. The morning after it was over she texted me to check in to see how it went. We texted back and forth for a couple of minutes. She wanted to coordinate for hanging out this week (we are 'dating' once a week). I told her that I have an activity planned. We agreed to follow up later to get specifics on which date this week.
Last night I texted her a bit when she proposed which day this week we would get together. I screwed up when I asked her "Do you have a busy week?" In general I have been very business oriented with our communication and keeping things cool without opening questions. And then I told her that "I am looking forward to spending time with you." ugh. I probably shouldnt have done that. And of course she didnt affirm me or validate the emotion by saying anything like that back except 'awesome, you have my curiosity up' (because i didnt tell her what we are doing).
Anyway, I checked the phone logs yesterday and saw that the OM called her after the NFL game ended yesterday. They only talked for 1 min (or less). My take on that is that they were coordinating where to meet up after the game. It is possible she said "I can't talk now" but I find it a lot more likely that they coordinated a rendezvous location. I also know they hung out on Friday night at a costume party. She seems to be dating him or having an affair with that is escalating from EA to PA (my hunch).
OK, so that's what has been going on. I'm really not feeling that great about her right now and I have a bunch of questions to ask you great folks:
- Should I expose the affair to her parents? I am not sure if the relationship is a PA, but I definitely know they are flirting. Some of our mutual friends know but W has not said anything to them when speaking to the friends privately.
- We waited to have children because I was not ready last year due to various life changes (new house, new job, etc). She wanted to get pregnant and I told her to just give me a little bit more time. Before all of this went down I was literally 'ready to go'. Is it possible my delaying made her feel like I wasnt into the marriage/relationship?
- We used to have such a loving relationship. Where did this go? She used to care about me a lot, now she doesnt seem to care at all. How much of this is the affair fog? How much of this is just her getting emotionally disconnected from me? She said when this all first went down 'we were so young when we got together' - What the heck does that mean? She wants to be with other men now? She also said recently she feels 'hopeless' that things wont get better with us (but how the heck are they going to get better if we dont try and I didnt know there was a problem).
- Why doesnt she want to commit to working on the relationship? In her defense she thinks that her getting 'space' in the apartment is her working on the relationship. It is just not doing it with a marriage counselor.
- She says that she has been unhappy for a while. How does she know it is unhappiness because of me and our relationship? We dont fight, I take care of things around the house, I support her in her career, I give her affection, etc. Obviously there are things I need to do better (earlier in the thread), AND there are things we as a couple need to work on (more time together, dinner together during the week, talking about our feelings, speaking in the right love language, etc). The thing I struggle with is that it just really seems like she is having a MLC and trying to find happiness through some other guy and partying. We seemingly had a great life together before all of this went down and she took her stress out on me and us.
- Should I completely change tactics and cut her off? Stop talking to her and say something like: you have broken our marriage vows, i no longer trust you, you are not the person i married, i tried to support you in this endeavor and give you space but you violated that by dating and having an affair with this guy you work with.
-Should I ask her to reengage with gottman-certified couples therapy? I think we both didnt like the last guy we used and that left a sour taste in her mouth.
-How did she get so emotionally disconnected that she wants out? Also, SO emotionally disconnected that she doesnt say anything until D-Day. Doesnt it seem rational that you would try and reconnect rather than just give up after 5 years of marriage and 12 years together? We have so much going for us, shared experiences and love/respect for each other. It does not make sense that you wouldnt at least commit to trying.
Thanks for reading and providing any feedback or perspective you can share from your own experiences. It is very helpful.
