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bashy Offline OP
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Thank you labug. For me I don't want to stay over. But for my D she would love it. I will need to think about this longer.


M 35 W 31
D 10
Married 3 years
Together 11
Single since Nov 13
Moved out Dec 13
ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more'
OM confirmed Jun 14
Joined: Nov 2011
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Does it have to be all or nothing? Is there a great distance involved? Could you spend the night elsewhere. Think outside the box.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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bashy Offline OP
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I could travel down first thing in the morning and see her. It's a 45 minute drive. But even seeing my WAW for five minutes hurts!


M 35 W 31
D 10
Married 3 years
Together 11
Single since Nov 13
Moved out Dec 13
ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more'
OM confirmed Jun 14
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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So what else could you do, that you wouldn't have to see her for more than 5 minutes?

Have you talked to her about holidays and S agreements, finances?

(sorry I haven't been keeping up)


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 273
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bashy Offline OP
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Honestly I'm thinking I buy D my own pressies. That I'm happy with. WAW and I get on great but seeing her hurts. I'd rather not see her at all. I might say that we'll see how we both feel come nov/dec then make a decision then. Am I fudging?!


M 35 W 31
D 10
Married 3 years
Together 11
Single since Nov 13
Moved out Dec 13
ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more'
OM confirmed Jun 14
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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Originally Posted By: bashy
Honestly I'm thinking I buy D my own presses.


That I'm happy with. WAW and I get on great but seeing her hurts. I'd rather not see her at all. I might say that we'll see how we both feel come nov/dec then make a decision then. Am I fudging?!



Can you explain the term "Presses"? And what do you mean by asking if you are "fudging"? Do you mean kidding yourself, or what? And can you explain what your 180s are?

IMO, you CANNOT DETACH WITHOUT GAL,

and you cannot show change without 180s. So we hammer GAL and the 180s for good reason.

They ALWAYS help. So at worst, your life will improve w/GAL and including some 180s will also improve your lilfe.

As for saving the marriage, I cannot guarantee that ----

but I CAN guarantee that you will Not save it, without any 180s and GAL.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: bashy
WAW rang today. Wanted to know what we're doing about Xmas. I said:"What do you mean?". She asked would I like to stay over for D but if not she would ask her parents to come for dinner instead. Also, wanted to know what we are doing about getting presents for D (together or paying separately).
I told her I'd think about it but I am a little angry. I feel she wants to play happy families with D when it comes to a special occasion but when it comes to our D's future ie being together as a family its a no no.

So you'll rob your d of ANY time together at Christmas? Do what is best for your d to the extent that YOU can...and don't forget how you got here. You played a big role in it, and now that there is an OM, you are forgetting all that b/c your ego is wounded.

Avoid revising the marital history too much or your changes will be for nothing as you will revert to your old ways. And admit that at least you are "awake" now in your life. You are not the spectator you once were. Why not Enjoy that growth?


I really want to stay over for D's sake and make my usual Xmas dinner with all the trimmings but I can't be around WAW when she is with OM


Ever? What do your wife's activities after the evening ends, have to do with your ability to make the Christmas dinner nice, before hand?

Isn't it good to give your d a loving memory, less trauma AND give your w something to miss? Keep the memories fresh?

OR are you saying if your w dates OM, you want to end all family gatherings?
Here comes a 2 x 4, so get your helmet on...

Do you see what is steering your course of action now? Wounded pride and a petty desire to punish. Even at your d's expense.


.... plus will he ring her when I'm there to say Merry Xmas.... and what does he think of me staying over?


Who cares?

You did read the Div Busting books, right? They discuss this and how OM is NOT The cause of your problems but a symptom. And he should not be on your radar.

Im not sure what to do so any advice would be appreciated.



Do nothing different than becoming a man only a fool would leave. Be the better choice and stop thinking of OM at all.

Stay the course of GAL and becoming the best Bashy you can be.

And even if you decided internally to give yourself a deadline, at which point you will give up, well so, what would change outwardly in your behavior?

Why would an OM change the improvements you are making within? It wouldn't if the changes are real.

Keep on keeping on, knowing that most relationships after a m ends, are over within several months. You have been with your w over a decade so you know OM will get some things wrong.

But if you find out that OM is more well suited for your w than you are it will be either b/c you were really mismatched, in which case you can wish her well,

OR b/c you did not treat her well enough - and that would be a learning lesson for you

What would be different about marriage to you now, than before?

I mean whenever you imagine your wife saying she wants to reconcile - all you have ever said is how "SHE would have to change too".....you rarely if ever just look at your own issues.

You seem to get the scorecard out often so you won't feel too remorseful for long or so I guess. Scorecards do not belong in a marriage and they ruin all the marriages they poison with "keeping a record of wrongs", etc.

Point is, if she came back to you now, how would it be better for HER?


IF you cannot think of many ways it would improve for her, then can you see why she'd stay away?

Bashy, GAL, and detach. Keep being a great father to your d, who will need you even more now....and do not shut your d out of your life just so you can avoid her mom.

Hang in there. I actually think IF you are to reconcile, she'd probably need to date OMs to know that the grass is greener where you water it, (ie., at home, hopefully)

So this may be a step she needs to take to come home. You have to be the constant man in your d's life and keep up the changes you were making.

Does this^^ all (or mostly) make sense to you?

Good luck!


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
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Hi bashy (and others) -- pressies is British for "presents". Bashy, the holidays are tricky. I don't want to spend those times pretending that life is normal, and I do want my H to see what life in the years to come will be like, with us splitting holidays. I also have family responsibilities pulling me back to my home state (far from where I currently reside). So I asked my H how he wanted to divide up the holidays this year (giving him authority, which is a 180 for me). He picked Thanksgiving, I get Xmas, he gets New Years. I'm traveling to my home state to visit family for Thanksgiving, and taking my D there for Xmas. I later told him that I don't mean to exclude him, that he's welcome to join in Xmas depending on where he is emotionally in Dec., but that I felt that I had to go ahead and make plans to be with my family (my father is having a cancer scare). So the door is open, but I'm also moving on with my life. I do want what is best for my D, but in some ways, dealing with the reality of the situation will be good for her. I don't want her to put any faith in an illusion. I can't guarantee her that this marriage will last.

HOWEVER, since she invited you, maybe it would be worth showing up. I try not to turn down invitations from my H these days, even if they result in me just listening to his narcissistic babbling about himself. It might give you clarity one way or another.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
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Ahoy,

Have you ever read DB or DR? I noticed that you post alot of advice that isn't exactly DBing. Just wondering.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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"Bashy, GAL, and detach. Keep being a great father to your d, who will need you even more now....and do not shut your d out of your life just so you can avoid her mom."

Exactly!


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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