to wait or not to wait

[SunnyB]

Ahoy, you made me laugh this morning!

[Ahoy]

So I have a question. Next time he wants to go for a walk, just to be friendly and ramble on about his own life, should I agree? I feel like I should, to demonstrate that I'm open and friendly, but at the same time I don't want to be available to him all the time, especially if he's just seeing me as a friend and nothing more.

I'm confused about Sandi's rules on this point. She says to be friendly, but also mysterious. She says don't arrange dates with spouse at this time, but also that it's okay to invite them along to things as long as it's friendly and there are no expectations or pressure.

If I want him to miss me, then I feel that I shouldn't be available to him all the time. But I also don't want to miss out on opportunities to connect and be friendly -- even if all that does is lay the groundwork for an amicable dissolution of the M.

Any advice?

[raliced]

I definitely wouldn't be available all the time. Maybe 50/50. That's available enough to be "friendly" but also maintain that sense of mystery.

[Ahoy]

Thank you, raliced! I will work on that -- it's hard not to jump at the chance to see him (even though I don't enjoy being around him much these days). It's a weird dichotomy!

[raliced]

Honestly, I think it's great that you are positive enough to want to jump at the chance to see him - even if you don't enjoy it. I'm filled with dread every time I have to see mine.

[Ahoy]

Oh, trust me -- I am FILLED with dread before these exchanges. I want to jump at the chance because I want to get direction or closure (without pushing, which is why I don't ask questions, just validate). I just put on a happy face. One thing that I've found helps is, immediately before he comes over, I throw myself a little dance party. I put on some awesome music and dance around to get myself in a good, lighthearted mood. Sometimes your body can trick your brain into happiness!

[Ahoy]

So, H was late for music lesson for D14 and never made it to lesson. Didn't bother to tell me, even though he was supposed to pay (from joint account) for next month's lessons and schedule dates for next month. I called the teacher later to ask if the payment had gone through and was informed they didn't show up or pay or anything. So I rescheduled for my week. No word from H about any of this. Then I see (online) that my daughter got a haircut. She's entitled to a hair cut and I'm happy for her, but I would have liked it if he had told me (I've always cut her hair in the past). If I was taking her to get her hair dyed or cut in a mohawk or ears pierced, I would give him the head's up. Am I being petty? Also, he hasn't been in touch to let me know when he's bringing her home today.

I am doing a lot of legal research and feeling better each day about moving on, if that's what's called for. Also, people have bigger problems. I was in a grocery store today, and saw an elderly lady stocking up on free samples. She was obviously hungry (and her cart was bare of any groceries -- just free sample cups). This is in a very ritzy part of town. No one seemed to notice, and it made me sad. I asked if I could buy her lunch (I got her a cookie too but didn't tell her). Life is bigger than my crazy H. There are good and meaningful things to be done in this world, and my life doesn't have to revolve around a single, self-interested individual.

Not sure I want to stand for this marriage anymore.

I know the kind of person I want to be, and he doesn't really factor into that. I can find meaning elsewhere, in helping others and getting on with my life. I won't hurry the process along, but I'm at peace with being apart.