Wife walked away (4 months ago now) thread 3

[BigMac]

So I go through my email, and the WAW is now pushing mediation down the pipe. Princess impatient is who she is. She says she just wants closure, and support.

I guess I am just a cash cow to her, and I'm feeling that was all I ever was.

I wish that I had done better.

[Cadet]

Link to last thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...578#Post2470578


First thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2470242&page=11

[BigMac]

Thanks Cadet. I'm a little bit lost in my head right now. I appreciate the help with the links.

[BigMac]

So, update.
She is still pushing Mediation down the pipe, and did bring up reconciliation not as a topic she would like to discuss, but saying that if we were to reconcile that she would want new rings....

I am not trying to mind read her, but holy hell. That is kind shallow.

[Ss06]

Hahaha! Well, from one perspective I can see it as super shallow, too, and that makes me laugh. "new marriage, new diamond. Duh!". LOL Oh, that cracks me up.

However, on the other side of things I can kind of see new rings as a whole new start. I've even considered it myself as something I'd want. I don't care if it's just a silver band for both of us, it's not the cost, it's the representation, the visible reminder of what we've worked for and that it's new and different and whole.

Maybe you're mind reading into thinking she wants a 6 ct Harry Winston? I don't know. Try not to mind read in that case because in the end, the prize will be the marriage, the rings (new or old) will just be a representation of that and that's not really something to worry about right now.

[bdub]

At least she has thought a LITTLE about reconciliation. Stay positive!

[BigMac]

She has only mentioned reconciliation in a negative light, basically saying it won't happen. She does keep bringing it up, I don't.

[Nettles]

She is still pushing Mediation down the pipe

Will this be done in TX or CA?

Either way, turn the PMA to 11 because W will get a real taste of what post D life will look like. Child possession, child support, splitting assets are going to turn Austin from fantasyland to realityland. And guess who W will take all this out on? Handle it with grace and don't get dragged down.

How is working with the IC going? Make a list here of how Mac is better today than BD day.

[BigMac]

Thanks for the heads up Nettles. This past month has been that transition from fantasy to reality for her. She has been very very very angry with me as she has to balance checkbooks, and not go hang with the OM all the time because she is a mom.

She filed in Ca, and while I don't want to get into the details of the legal process, it's hard either way.

We had coffee last night which lasted 2 hours. It sounds like Fantasy Land is already starting to turn into reality land. She has bills now, maxed out credit cards, child responsibilities, and apparently the OM has been pulling back.

I had her meet me at this cool little coffee / beer bar to discuss helping out with some financial challenges she was having. This is the classic rescuer pattern that we have had in the past. While I'm not entirely comfortable with it, since it does involve health and welfare of the children it's on the table for me.

So we schedule the time to talk, and she starts talking about work, our industry, basically anything but the hard subject. Honestly, I was planning on being there for max 20 min, not 2 hours. I did my active listening, joked around a little bit.

Even laughed with her super hard for a moment. A bird was picking acorns and one hit her leg, and while she was looking up I went to go throw a small acorn on her to mess around, and it ended up getting caught between her teeth. We shared a really good hysterical laughing fit.

While were hanging out she saw firefly's and were both leaning over the railing side by side spotting them. It felt like the old days, just exploring the world together... I hate to say it, I miss those days. A lot.

She talked about how she doesn't do anything, just sits at home. That she hasn't done anything since she has been here (the reality is, that was all hung up in the OM hanging with him, or stuck at work). (I was surprised she hadn't been to the place I met her at, it's on her side of town). Apparently I have lived more in the couple weeks I've been her then she has in months.. (that's what you get for falling for an introverted loser... the OM).

She talked about how she is thinking of transferring divisions at work (that would put her not working with the OM). Apparently the whole lure of her little fake startup has ended. (we call this the Polyanna phase in our industry). I tried to warn her about this when this whole thing started... of course she didn't listen.

I did open up about a little vulnerability in myself. We had some friends in from out of town, and one of them basically blew me off to go to dinner with her, but didn't tell me until really late at night. I basically told W that the thing I missed the most was our friendship. That we were best friends for all of our adult lives, and that's what hurts the most.

We brought up some things some friends had passed on (when I was deep in the anger phase I opened up to a couple people that were gossip queens). That got back to W. We also discussed a conversation that was proper with a good friend, that was just how I should have handled it.

I owned that this process has been hard emotionally for me. And that sometimes I just need someone to hold me and say that it will be alright. W confided that the OM just sits far away on the other side of the couch, and that she needs that too sometimes.

It seems like she is continuing to downplay the role of OM in her life. I get the feeling like he is pulling back from her as he see's the reality of her spending addiction, the reality of having two kids in the life, the un-fun side of having a house in the burbs vs a hotel room downtown.

She also confided that she hasn't talked to her parents in months, or her sisters. She just isolated herself.

At the end, we went over some co-parenting issues with D16. Which was weird, because that was the best co-parenting we have ever done, and it took separating for 6 months and going down the road of divorce to get there. We didn't fight about it, there was no conflict. Only support. I was kind of floored.

At the end, she didn't want to bring up the support discussion. But effectively she got her self into a pretty tight bind the month before. She's been having to ask friends for money to cover her bills. But she is getting behind. This is the same pattern that she exhibited before we got married.

I know it is rescuing, but for the time being I'm going to help her out. I can't have the kids affected. I'm not sure if it's the best choice, but it feels like the right one.

I ended the meeting after that, and we walked back to our cars (hers was parked right behind mine). We had a short chat and parted ways.

Later that evening she sent me an email thanking me for taking the time out that evening, and for helping her out and that she appreciated it.

So that's that on the contact update. I've been basically putting down roots and going out here in town. I'm not being blatant about my making new friends and going out, but it's not a huge secret. We'll see how she handles it.

On the IC side -
I got a new IC that is very solutions based. We have gone over the Kapman drama triangle as well as the communication wheel. She is very good so far, and I'm very happy with the progress. Some things that I have felt some guilt about she has helped me work past, and more importantly is providing me with the tools for my new life. So, doing good.

What other GAL activities have I been doing -
Went out for drinks and dancing with friends saturday - it was a blast
I've been meeting new friends (i'm new to this town, and the people I know don't live downtown). Getting the scoop on cool little bars and coffee shops. I even am going swing dancing when I get back from a work trip!

I've been nesting in my house. The kitchen is mostly unpacked, and I'm getting bedroom furniture for me and S9 delivered today. (I let the WAW take all the furniture) .. though living on bean bags and air mattress's has sucked.

I started in a new yoga studio that is right down the street from me, and totally over did it the first day and pulled my back.

I demonstrated good self care and found a local chiropractor that is walking distance, my back is almost back to normal now

One of my neighbors recommend this awesome tea trailer (in the town I live in there are lots of restaurants that are basically food trucks) this morning owned by a person named CJ that blends her own teas. I walked there this morning, and then spent an hour or so walking around the neighborhood, which is amazing.

I bought my first two pieces of art for my home. Both are affirmations. The one that is hung right now is for me and S9 - it say "Home, love resides here. May it be blessed with friends and laughter. Memories are made here, where we are safe - And our story began. There's no place like home.

So, I'm doing my best to get settled. To get grounded. To remove moving (one of the top stressors in life) from my stressors. To make home a safe place, and to make some new friends who are not wrapped up in (or aware of) this crazy divorce process.

[Dpthght]

Sounds like you are in a good place (outside of the obvious), happy to hear that. I agree you need to look out for the kids, hopefully it all works out

[BigMac]

Dpthght,

I'm in a much better place then I was 4 months ago (today is actually the 4 month anniversary of what I thought was the worst moment of my life....

Now, while some days are hard, I am getting by. And each day my life gets a little bit better. That I guess is all I can ask for.

I accept that it is very unlikely that my W will ever come back to me and truly love me (vs just needing me for something). I accept that I will love her forever. I accept that I have to move on.

Thats the life I'm living. BigMac2.0

[Dpthght]

Yeah I am coming up on two months and I can tell the things I have been doing for myself have helped me detach tremendously. I am in the same boat with you, I doubt my W will ever come back at this point, but I can't worry about that and only work on me.

Glad you are better

[BigMac]

Detaching is key, and then seeing the warning signs when your WAW comes in and of your life, and your heart is drawn to her.

It's hard. We are here on this forum because we love our WAW's (and husbands). We believe that marriage is hard, but worth it. We want it to work. But that connection can sabotage us, and stop any chance of rebuilding.

It is a cruel joke of the heart.

[BigMac]

Contact update,

Last night the W txt's me a link to a huffington post article - a mans open letter to his ex wife. Not to sure what to think about it.

[Maybell]

I read that article. Do you think she's speaking for herself or telling you what she wants to hear from you?

[Old Dog]

Grindr!

Good luck with that:-)

[wmwb123]

I just looked at your timeline, BigMac. We're almost timeline brothers...

My wife quit contacting me more than a month ago. All I can do now is hope and pray she comes to her senses.

[sandi2]

We had coffee last night which lasted 2 hours. It sounds like Fantasy Land is already starting to turn into reality land. She has bills now, maxed out credit cards, child responsibilities, and apparently the OM has been pulling back.

That's the reason I am usually in favor of the WAW getting hit with reality as soon as possible. Not only does her fantasy castle begin to crumble, but usually the OM starts pulling back. Even if they have plans of living together, they need to deal with real life together and each of them get to see one another under those circumstances. Funny how it just seems to drain off all that excitement and thrill the A had for them when the LBH was picking up the tab and trying to fix her problems.

Clearly, this would not include any rescuing behavior on behalf of the H. Neither should it be seen as as a punitive action. And it won't be, if the H has the right attitude in place. Tough love is exactly that.......tough. It is not fun and it hurts. Doesn't mean your heart is tough. Replace the word "tough" with "strength". You have to have enough strength to stand your ground as she goes through those experiences. It takes real love to do it. Anyone can be a pushover, but not everyone can apply tough love.

When our children become of age, and we have done our best to guide, influence, and teach them the best choices in life from the harmful........there may come a time/point/issue in their life when they don't want to listen to the parent. What does the parent do if it is a behavior, lifestyle, or choices in people that could have devastating results for them? Parents go to end of the world trying to help, support, advise and rescue their child. But when he/she is grown and rebels against what you have tried to instill, and he/she continues a destructive pattern......then what? Life is a cruel teacher, but sometimes it gets the lessons across quicker or better when everything the parent was supplying has been removed. Not in every single case, of course, but many.....and I am not implying we turn our backs on anyone in life or death situations (just to be clear).

So, same principal applies when you have a wayward W. She is rebelling! If she won't listen and chooses to continue in the wrong direction.......sometimes it means removing everything the H was supplying before she begins to wake up and think & see through clearly, instead of a fogged out brain and wearing rose-colored glasses.

Just my thoughts.

[BigMac]

Maybell,

Honestly, I'm not sure. She is really confusing me lately.

Nmwb113,

I'm sorry to hear that, I hope that she comes back

Sandi2,

You have a great point, her credit cards were allowing this point not to get hit for the past couple months (and the fact that she does have a decent paying job). Reality coming was not in my control at that point.

We are where we are at right now, I'm still shouldering a bunch of the financial burden, but luckily for her things are pretty tight. And the past month or two has been hell for her.

She has been panicking a bit, and lashing out at my while she is. I'm trying my best to survive it and withdraw, letting her come to me.

[BigMac]

Update,

I think I'm back in the LRT. Just avoiding contact whenever possible. I did get a thank you from the W when I paid her rent... Other then that, it's been crickets.

I'm not sure what to expect now, but I'm just focused on taking care of me and my stuff, and trying not to freak out about what comes down the pipe.

[BigMac]

Update,

This weekend I get a call from the WAW telling me that she is going to have to send D16 back to live with her grandparents.

Now that I am gone, the W has to be a parent to D16 (D16 is actually her daughter, though I raised her since she was 2).
Apparently my W was attempting to discipline D16 by taking away her computer and cell phone. W never had to be the heavy in the past because I was around. Of course D16 lost her mind, started screaming and yelling (as many 16 year old girls do). W put her hands on her, grabbing her face and screaming at her.

D16 ran to a friends house, and the W called me losing her mind. This was of course on a weekend where she had S9, and I was about to go out to brunch with some friends. Since the kids safety was involved, I dropped all of my plans and drove down to her side of town. When I got there however she didn't want me to come over.

While I was on the phone with her however, she was saying that she had no "alone time". She also told me that when I have S9 for my weekends she has the OM staying over at her house. And that D16 is being completely disruptive and rude to him. I did make the slip of saying "maybe she is just a good judge of character". Which, honestly I feel pretty good about saying

About an hour after, I get a call back from her catching up on the situation. The friend that D16 ran away to ended up mediating between the W and D16 and apparently crisis averted.

Needless to say, the relationship with OM is still there (that is confirmed).Though it sounds like D16 is doing whatever she can to be a pain in the backside to both of them. I hate to say it, but I love the fact that reality is catching up with W. The fantasyland that she moved away to does not exist.

And while I am in the process of moving on (after all that drama I ended up meeting some friends and playing ping pong at a beer garden, and then going out that night). I do hold hope somewhere down deep in the back of my heart that the relationship with the OM would end, and we would have at least the fraction of a chance of working something out.

[BigMac]

Another Update,

Things between the WAW and I are a bit more cordial for the moment. We have been partnering on how to deal with D16, who is acting out pretty severely. From what I can tell, the OM is still involved, however the stress of her life is getting to her.

She laid her hands on D16 last weekend, which caused a huge blow up. And I was pretty direct with her about a couple things. Either way, we are at least being nice to each other. What more can I ask right?

[sandi2]

Well I was probably too strict with my kids, so I will pass this on, FWIW. Cut D16 some slack b/c she has to figure out how to vent and deal with things that happen to her that she doesn't like......just as you do. She needs to have somebody she feels in her corner and she can trust. I hope this doesn't spin her into an all out rebellion, but it could.

Don't know how your W put her hands on her, but that is a good way to lose a D. At 16, the D could choose which parent she lives with, couldn't she?

Having a united front is the way to go......if you can.

[BigMac]

So, the sad thing about D16 is she is my step daughter. I have raised her since 2 though, so in my heart she will always be my baby girl. Sadly, under the eyes of the law I have no legal recourse when it comes to her.

I am however still there for her.

[BigMac]

Update,

W pinged me via text yesterday, apparently she is looking for a therapist. (this is after a long weekend she had away from the kids).

This was for a personal therapist for her, not for a therapist for mediation or divorce.

I am trying not to read anything into it, but for her to reach out like that is pretty close to her admitting that something went wrong. (This is huge for her)

One question I do have, lingering in my mind. She has always been, and from what friends say still is completely afraid to be alone. I wonder how this will affect her relationship with the OM.

It's funny, Patience has never been my strong suit. This entire process has been a lesson in patience. I'm sitting her typing, looking in the mirror and just realized that there is a lifetime ahead of us. Even if we end up divorced, we can always fall back into each other.

I keep putting all this pressure and stress onto myself. At the end of the day, I have bettered myself through this process. I am more self aware, I am calmer, I am healthier (though this past couple months I have slipped a bit as I moved).

I have done so much, and she has done nearly nothing (though going to therapy is a great first step).

I guess that this the best part of DB'ing. It really isn't about the WAS. It's about yourself.

[BigMac]

It's funny how a WAW can turn on a dime. This weekend I took S9 out to do indoor skydiving. And when he went back to his moms house, he was disponandt and clingy (I spent every waking moment doing cool stuff with him, interacting, being an available father).

The W calls me today, and basically wants more money. More cake eating. I am astounded how ungrateful she is. And when I put up boundaries all she does is threaten lawyers.

It's funny, a couple days ago she was very sweet. It challenges my detachment. Thankfully days like this I get to see the spoiled brat broiling in her juices lashing out at me. It helps me to detach, and reminds me that I can't get lured in by her sweetness. That it will flip to anger and manipulation in a heart beat.

[BigMac]

Update,

W is pushing to move forward with the D. She booked another vacation with the OM. And is basically just being nice to me when she needs money.

Selfish cake eating behavior... it never ends.

[Zues126]

Hey big. I've got no wisdom, just wanted to let you know I'm still following your thread. It feels like a lifetime has last for me in my last few months, you've been in a similar sitch. But I'm proud of you. You were really attached, insecure, dependent, frightened, and depressed (if I remember right). And I think you had some of the same defense mechanisms I using. Seems you have really slowed down, taken care of yourself, made decisions you can be proud of, and have found moments of peace and joy amidst the grieving. Good job and keep going!

[BigMac]

Thanks Zues126,

Thanks for following, this whole process has been scary as hell. You know, I really did/do believe in "tell death do us part, in sickness and in health". But holy smokes, WAW's literally lose their minds. The destruction that the W has caused has been so huge. Both on the children, and an me.

I was soooo alone when this started. Coming to this board was a huge help. My get a life activities helped me to realize that I can thrive, with or without her.

While I had a goal of being a devoted husband and father, that some things are out of my control in life. And frankly, I am an awesome father. I have given up everything I knew and loved, put the the health and welfare of the kids first while she was out romping around with her boyfriend. I have done it right, and passed the hardest test I have ever been given.

Will she turn around? Who knows. I suspect that a year or two from now she may clearly see the damage that she has done to the children, herself and me. And when the fantasy she has built crumbles down around her, she will again come crawling back to me.

At this point, even though I know I will always love her, I am detached enough to know that she is sick. I still have hope that at some point in the future she will come out of it, but I know now that it most likely won't happen. And honestly, I'm not sure I would allow her back. I feel that she will just repeat the same behaviors another 7 years from now.

So now, my focus is on continuing to GAL. Being a great father, and the best me that I can be. Because honestly, that is the important thing. Making sure my little boy has a safe and secure environment

Thanks for all the support everyone!

[Mozza]

BigMac - I just started following your thread, so I've not seen the beginning, but from what I've seen in the posts here, you are an inspiration.

And is basically just being nice to me when she needs money.

I hope this is clear by now? It's a simple matter of incentives: you are money and solutions to her. You keep her from facing her new reality. I don't know much about your situation, but at some point, you'll have to let go of "it's for the kids!" Paying her bills is not good for the kids, not in the long run. They need a mom that can pay her bills, especially if she has a good income. She will not learn to balance her accounts because you paid her rent, quite the opposite. Every time you pay anything for her, you teach her to be financially irresponsible. That and she left you: she's on her own now. Let her face her demons so that she may come back a better person and realize what you bring in her life.

[Mozza]

PS: is there a mistake in your timeline? The bomb comes after she left.

Bomb: 5/16/2014
She left 4/14/2014
Separated: 5/25/2014

[BigMac]

It's funny. I am just that. There is no love. Heck, there probably hasn't been for a very long time.

I have always been her financial rescuer, not the man who holds the keys to her heart. That man is the OM now.

[BigMac]

ok, to be specific, which one is the bomb. Where she says she wants a divorce?

[Mozza]

Others will have to explain the conventions around here, but to me it goes like this.

Separation: spouse announces that the relationship is over. ILYBINILWY
Bomb: spouse announces that she wants a divorce (I haven't made it there yet)
Leaving home: after some sort of cohabitation, spouse leaves the joint home
Divorce: papers are delivered or signed

In your timeline, your spouse left home (4/14/2014) before the separation (5/25/2014). I'm not sure how that works. She didn't tell you why she was leaving? She called it a break so you didn't consider it a separation?

[BigMac]

Mozza, thanks for the clarification.

Suffice it to say, its a long complicated story about how and when we broke up. After this is over I should write a book about it.

[BigMac]

So, it is over.

Two days ago my WAW threatened to take the kids out of state if I didn't comply with one of her demands. She is continuing to be unbalanced and unreasonable, that threat constitutes a threat to the emotional well being of S9 if I didn't get some legal protection around me.

I am doing the ultimate LRT and detachment. I filed for divorce, and had her served and notified of the standing orders here which prohibit her from disturbing the kids school or removing them from the state.

I never thought I would file for divorce against my wife. I never thought it would come to this. The reality is that whatever path she went down has made her unstable, and I can't change that. She may get better, she may get worse. I wish the best for her. She is the mother of my son, and we had been best friends for most of our adult lives. I will always have love for her, but there are some lines that cannot be crossed, and separating a son from his father is one of them.

So now I start the ultimate GAL. Thanks for all the help everyone. The original goal was to get my WAW back, but I ended up finding myself instead.

Thank you,

Big Mac

[Mozza]

Wow. What a development. I just went back to read your original post and I'm very impressed with all that you've done to get to that point. That's something you can be proud of, in this difficult moment.

Will you keep posting here? I hope so. In your original post, you mentioned that this might be a multi-year process. What's your outlook now?

[FunDad]

Hey Big Mac,

My pastor shared something with me yesterday that's awesome. You can look at divorce as the white flag of surrender that signifies the pain of this situation is now too great and must be stopped. In war, when the enemy gets to the point to where they are now are directly attacking our children, it only makes sense to surrender to spare them more pain. You did the right thing. Look at the legal process as forcing a peaceful solution to a chaotic situation and leaving the pain of the battle behind. You really need to shut the door on that aspect of your relationship anyway, and a D will certainly do that. Just because the D happens does not mean it has to be the end, it just moves on in a different way. It's like ending a sentenace with a period, and then beginning a new sentence, chapter, book, etc.

I think it's also a very respectful thing to do to put your foot down to protect your children. It shows you will protect them, even from you W. I know it was hard, but often the right thing is. Praying for you today.

FD

[Little]

Others will have to explain the conventions around here, but to me it goes like this.

Separation: spouse announces that the relationship is over. ILYBINILWY
Bomb: spouse announces that she wants a divorce (I haven't made it there yet)
Leaving home: after some sort of cohabitation, spouse leaves the joint home
Divorce: papers are delivered or signed

Just chiming in to say I see a "bomb" as any kind of "this relationship ain't to me what you thought it was". Any kind of "I'm leaving" or "we're done" or "I don't know if I love you anymore"...whatever form it takes.

It's any kind of announcement that something is up and the status quo isn't business as usual anymore. If you're not expecting it, it rocks your world. Like a bomb.



Also, Mac, it's not over until you decide it is. If that's what you truly want, to let go, then that's fine. But it doesn't have to be over during (or even after) a D. Anything can change at any time, and your behavior can help or hinder that.

So long as you're breathing and willing, it ain't over.

[Mozza]

Just because the D happens does not mean it has to be the end, it just moves on in a different way.

Also, Mac, it's not over until you decide it is. If that's what you truly want, to let go, then that's fine. But it doesn't have to be over during (or even after) a D. Anything can change at any time, and your behavior can help or hinder that.

That's right. Another DB-like book I read, also advocating to go with the flow, says that divorce is just a piece of paper. I understand it's an important piece of paper, but it's not the relationship. You said at the outset that this would be a multi-year process, so it's still your call how you want to go about it. You can hang in there, go through this rough period and keep the faith. Or you can make the choice that things are hopeless, that moving on would be the best for all involved. You still have control over your side of the relationship.

[BigMac]

You guys are right, this may be a multi-year process.

At the end of the day, she is sick. She is addicted to spending, and has created a crap storm in her life. I have been so supportive and done the "right' things and all she has done is fuel her selfishness.

Today was a major milestone. She withdrew her petition in the state we used to live in, however my divorce petition still stands, and will stand.

A little background, she threatened to kidnapp the kids off to the old state if I didn't start mediation in 48 hours (in the old state, not our current state).

With the divorce petition in this state and county there are significant protections about her losing her mind, and doing things that will hurt the kids.

Again, at the end fo the day. She is sick. I have spent the past 6 months working on me, being a great dad and attempting to be a good friend to her. She has just spent it focused on the OM and the Mall.

I have spent this time planning, learning, growing. I have given my children a stable and loving home. And at all times have conducted myself in a way that I would be proud of if I looked back 20 years from now.

I am still moving forward with the divorce. She needs the ultimate LRT. And maybe after this she will hit rock bottom and finally address the issues that have persisted throughout our entire marriage. Maybe she gets well and we can go on a date or two again. Or maybe she doesn't. Either way I have to be the best me I can be, treat her fairly, but most importantly provide a safe and stable environment for the kids.

I am me, I am strong. This is not the end of things, it's the beginning.

[wmwb123]

Much respect, BigMac.

[BigMac]

Thx wmwb123

At the end of the day we all have our limits right? I found mine. Right when she threatened to take my son out of state in a move to extort me to proceed with a divorce in a state that has alimony laws that are in her favor.

I will love her till the day I die, and still to this day when I look at her I see the most beautiful woman ever.... and I'm saying goodbye.

[jim0987]

Everyone has a line and when its crossed its crossed.

You need to respect yourself first and that means respecting your lines.

[BigMac]

Got a couple contacts from the WAW this evening. The first was a series of text's asking when she has to watch S9, and then a second one saying that she misses him.

I was driving, and frankly didn't feel the need to respond to her when I was out with S9. She called me when were pulling off to get ice cream, and we talked.

She knows she screwed up. I called her out on her threats to kidnap S9 out of state, and then had him repeat out loud what he is supposed to do if she takes him on a plane.

She won't admit she screwed up, but she sounds very down. Honestly, I don't care. She f'd up royally. My only care is that she stops hurting the kids.

Maybe she will pull her head out of her [Self Censored] but I fear it is too late.

It is funny, this is the thing that Sandi2 always talks about. Make her put on her big girl panties and she will figure out that life was pretty good. I finally did. It looks like she spent a weekend alone, with out any friends to take her out (no clue on the OM situation, maybe he got smart, who knows). She was posting on twitter that she finally had a weekend alone (D16 went camping with friends) and nobody wants to party.

She is alone. Her dream of this town is shattering. It's going to be hard to watch. But there is nothing I can do to help her. She has to hit rock bottom and find her own way out.

[Zues126]

Hey big. Funny. I'm about to do something similar in my sitch. Separate finances and start providing an equivalent of what the courts would order. Yeah, over 4 months in and I have been staying in a friends room and continuing to deposit 100% of my income into our joint account. Her reaction? Anger that she's having to live as a housewife still and is dependent on me, and stressed because its never enough money for all the things that the house needs. She told me she was going back to work and filing D, but neither has happened. So I will be serving a separation and seperating finances. I think I'll give her another months full income so she has time to figure out what she will do next, but it will be on her then.

She may get a reality check if she thinks she'll be partying during the time I'm with the children. She may be full time mom and working on top of it on my days with the kids. Once she realizes that will be her new life it may not be as attractive as how she pictured.

Then again, she may be just fine and that's ok too. I hope she ends up ok whatever that looks like. I'm kind of done trying to figure out what short term outcomes are most likely to lead towards reconscilliation and then rooting for them. Can't control it so ill stay in my sandbox. Point is I'm not going to protect her from reality out of fear of conflict either.

Keep posting and DBing!

[BigMac]

Zues126,

The reality check is interesting. When the WAW is in the fog they obviously are not thinking straight.

The reality is that life being a single parent is very hard. Our WAW's get stuck in this fantasy of the romance, and excitement of the OM. They get so used to having a husband provide for them, that they don't comprehend that life apart is much harder (for both parties and the children).

I feel like they get stuck in this selfish place. At least that is where my WAW is.

I scheduled a FaceTime call with her yesterday to go over care schedules for S9. At first she lied and said she had a meeting, which I replied to her saying that she committed to going over care items.

She dials me back via FaceTime, and looks to be a hot mess. No makeup, puffy everything, greasy hair. It looks like she hasn't showered for a couple days. It is mid day, and she isn't at work (she was at her house on the couch).

She was being as difficult as she could possibly be. I had shifted my weeks around to accommodate her love bird trip with the OM. All I wanted to do was nail down who was watching S9 on what weeks, and how we were going to handle dealing with some doctors appointments and stuff.

She was doing anything she could to just be a pain, including saying that she could just cancel her vacation. (I don't want to read into this one, but I have an inkling that there is trouble in paradise with the OM - She posted on social media that nobody wanted to party with her this weekend, and when I dropped S9 off at school Monday the OM's car was not at her house).

She is visibly agitated when I talk to her, and keeps saying I am controlling her (I am just affirming by boundaries, not being used, and putting the needs of S9 first). Talking to my therapists, this is some of the behavior that addicts display as they become accountable for their own actions.

For her, rent, power etc is due in 4 days. She has to respond to a divorce petition in roughly 3 weeks. Her friends have all been used up and are leaving her as they see who she has turned into (lying and using people).

And after a spring and summer living as a single woman, running up credit cards, going on flings with her OM she has spent the past couple weeks as a soon to be divorced adult, swapping kid schedules and living with D16 in the house (who can be quite the pain). She had her first weekend without D16 and S9, which I'm pretty sure she spent most of it alone.

Reality just might be setting in for her. Sadly it might be to late.

At the end of the call, all I could say is "You are just another person to me, I just just want to ensure that S9 is happy and healthy and that we are the best parents to him we can possibly be"

[Zues126]

Hey big. You don't have to say its too late until the paths between what you'd do if you were still hoping to work things out and what you'd do if you weren't fork.

How long until after the D is final do you plan to wait before you start dating?
Are you still working on changes for you?
Basically, what do you want the next year of your life to look like now that you're dealing with things you can control. YOU!

I know it is appealing to be done and I think it's ok to feel that way for closure, just curious if you intend to keep DBing and all of that.

[BigMac]

Zues126

Filing for divorce myself was an epic dropping of the rope. I had no choice, she forced my hand by threatening to take the kids out of state. (Our old state had favorable alimony laws for her, this one does not).

So, if I dropped the D she would just move back to the old state with my S9 and I would be up a creek in many senses of the word.

It's all a mute point anyways. She's still in a heavy fog, still hasn't seen any of the changes I've made in my life. (I've grown so much over this year).

She still is sooo angry with me. There is this resentment towards me. She still blames me for everything that goes wrong in her life. Even now, when I try to segregate my life from hers as much as possible.

If that changes what will happen? Who knows. I still love her with all my heart. I still have to divorce her to put some legal protections between us. And that right there is the crappiest part of this mess.

Regarding Dating -
They say that you need to wait 1 year for ever 4-5 years of marriage before getting into a relationship. That puts me at 2.5 years of just working on me.

I figure that is pretty healthy, especially since the relationship that matters is the one with S9. Everything else is secondary.

I do go out, I've been making new friends in the new town I live in. Luckily I'm a pretty social guy, and have really worked on my self confidence over the past 6 months. It's fun, and honestly ... I have to beat the girls away. They find out that I'm on the market, AND that I'm not interested in them. It's like catnip.

BTW, one exercise a friend who was divorced 2 years ago had me do was really helpful for me early on. It helps to get your confidence back.

What you do is go into a bar, knowing that no woman in the bar has any chance with you. You walk right up to someone, say hi. Chat it up a bit and then before the conversation is over you find an excuse to walk away. Repeat that roughly 100 times and if you have had any anxiety about approaching people in a social situation it will be long gone.

Regarding DB'ng. The changes are for me. Who knows if she will heal herself. Who knows what the future holds. I could see myself dating her in a year or so if she really decided to fix things. Though, at this point that is not in my control.

[Zues126]

So proud of you Big Mac. What are your personal goals for the next 6-12 months? Obviously being a great dad is #1 and I agree. What's in the cards for you personally?

Great job GAL. Do you feel you have developed out of your issues in the M, or are they now just dormant since you're on your own?

[BigMac]

That's a pretty loaded question.

The most important goal I have that rises above all others is to continue to heal and find myself while shepherding my son through this process. You really only have one shot as a dad. And he has been so hurt by this process.

I have found so much joy and pride knowing that I'm here for him, but also here for myself. I absolutely love being an active and involved dad. I was always there for my son, but when the W left, I was all he had. I don't think I ever believed I could do it all on my own until I had to.

For myself, I dropped almost 50lbs from last Christmas. Though I'm up about 10 since moving out to where the WAW lives (Managing stress levels when dealing with her is a challenge, and stress hormones cause weight gain.

I want to get down another 20 lbs or so, and I would love to put on some muscle (bigger chest and arms).

I want to continue on with my spiritual growth. In November I started a study in Buddhism. It's helped me immensely with my PMA, and most importantly really finding my true self vs being defined by my ego self.

I do want to restart my career this next year. I gave up everything, and put a lot on hold to focus on this craziness. I need to move on and continue building my career and make an impact at work.

Regarding the issues in my M,

I had two major issues, though most of them were related to co-dependance. I was always rescuing and caretaking the W. All the negatives that go along with that were present.

Oddly enough, when I started calling out and stopping the co-dependant behaviors on my part was when she pulled the rip cord.

Other then that, another big issue in the M was that my stress levels were to a 9 most of the time. Meditation and rebalancing my responsibilities have helped with that.

I have also taken and continue to take communications courses and training. I use a lot of I feel and I want statements. I practice active listening.

So, I hope that the issues are not dormant. But I guess the big test will be sometime down the the line when I am ready to be in a relationship, how does it go right?

[Zues126]

Awesome big. I have been asking myself the same questions, was just curious how you were dealing with them. We share some of the same issues, and it can be hard to measure progress in a vacuum. Personally, I know if I were in a new R I would have challenges beyond the fact it is far too soon. So one of my goals is to grow to a point that if down the road when I'm open to a new R I am ready to be healthy on my side. Of course, I'm leaving the door open for that R to be with my STBX, but either way I know I have more work to do.

-meeting my own needs and finding y own happiness
-being transparent and honest about who I am, what my boundaries are, and what I want from my partner
-healthier views on sexuality so what I am looking for is realistic and an be met by a healthy woman
-improved tool sets to deal with conflict so I'm better prepared to trouble shoot as issues arise.

I am working with my IC to 'debrief' on the failed R and look more closely at where I came short in those areas, and ways to grow so I could do better in the future. My DB coach has been a guide towards interacting with my STBX, my IC has been a guide on my personal growth. There's some overlap but that's the gist of it.

You have some well defined goals, and considering where you were just a few months ago that is awesome. I am celebrating your journey. I've found it helpful to use the question "if I were in a new R where would I struggle" as a guide to my personal efforts so I wanted to share. The best part is its harder in our minds than in real life. Right now all I can see is the adversity, conflict, low trust, dysfuctional part of he relationship...if i can grow enough to be prepared for that I'm confident that I will do well. Of course, if STBX comes around some day and we ever started piecing that is how it would be at first so I'm doin my part to be ready. Looks like you are too, keep it up. Just because you're solo now doesn't mean you're not working on your M, present or future.

[BigMac]

I like your quote -

"Just because you're solo now doesn't mean you're not working on your M, present or future"

I have so much to grow. I started the relationship that became my M at 19. I missed out on some key skills and life lessons. Now is the time to learn them.

It's funny. I grew so much already, and it is just the start.

Tonights GAL activity - Swing lessons and then a dance.

[BigMac]

Update -

So, now that we have a divorce filed be me in a state that ensures fairness between both parties, reality has been starting to set in with the WAW.

I've been much more Alpha with her, standing my ground firm now that there is not a risk of her fleeing the state with my S9.

And now, she wants to go to counciling and learn co-parenting skills with the goal of being friends.

This is a huge change, where for the past x months she's been pretty vile towards me.

[sandi2]

And you are surprised that being alpha male is more attractive to her?

[BigMac]

Sandi2,

I am not surprised. You have said it over and over again.

Full disclosure, I had to ensure that she didn't leave the state she moved too, and she has residency here now, and a court case under her name.

Before this I wasn't free to just let her be a grown up. Now I have been implementing all of Sandi2's recommendations.

I do wonder whether she realizes that her dreams of living rich off my alimony are now over, and is just trying to weasel back into my good graces. Or, if she ever could love me.

Either way, I can't be married to her. She is sick with spending addiction, and terminally low self esteem. Who knows what our relationship will look like, but I can never trust her if she has unbridled access to finances.

[sandi2]

I do wonder whether she realizes that her dreams of living rich off my alimony are now over, and is just trying to weasel back into my good graces. Or, if she ever could love me.

I believe you answered your own question better than I could.

Either way, I can't be married to her. She is sick with spending addiction, and terminally low self esteem. Who knows what our relationship will look like, but I can never trust her if she has unbridled access to finances.

Who knows what may lay await in the future. You have found yourself again, so maybe she will turn out to be better later on than she is now.

[Mozza]

BigMac - One of the lurkers here, to thank you for updating your story. It's very interesting. I hope you'll keep coming back, whichever way it goes.

[BigMac]

You nailed it. I don't know where this road ends. I think I need to continue finding myself, integrating myself as a man and as a father.

Would I love for my wife to be active in my life (I know she will always be in my heart), of course. It would take forever to trust her.

I've been reading a lot on the female psychology, how when you move from alpha male to beta that they basically lose their place in life. This isn't any excuse for her behavior, but being divorced allows me to just be me. To not have a fear of being divorced. I figure that will be attractive to her. Though I am not sure I can let her back in with her behaviors of lying, cheating, abusive spending.

Now, she is being nicer. Is being friendly. She calls me every day now, to hand the phone to S9. We end up chatting for a bit. Like we used too..

So, no matter how it works out. Today is something I can live with. We are moving forward with the D, and that is a sucky process, but at least for this week treating each other like humans.

If we end up through this as co-parents and friends, that is a good place.

[BigMac]

So last night the WAW emails me asking why her rent didn't get paid. I'm not sure what goes through her mind, but I think she expected me to pay it (or was pretending to think that).

I'm not sure what world she lives in, but it must be nice.

My boundaries are firm, I am not going to let her con me into paying her bills. She makes really good money, and needs to actually be responsible for herself instead of relying on everyone else to bail her out in life.

[MrBond]

So what did you tell her?

[BigMac]

I told her that I am not that man to her anymore. And that I am not going to pay her rent. That her frivolous requests through the lawyers are just wasting our community property.

And then this afternoon, she tells me that she still has feelings for me....

Seriously, you can't make this stuff up. What goes on in the mind of a WAW is a mystery to me.

[BigMac]

So it's a day later. I had some time to sleep on things.

It is obvious to me that she is still in a fog of confusion. Reality is starting to hit her in the backside, and it looks scary. The reality of her life, is that it will be tough. It won't be as good as it was with me.

She keeps bringing up the kids, as the reason, and not her.

I want to be a strong co-parent, and I want to find a way to be friends with the mother of my children. But it will talk a long time before I trust her. The divorce train has left the station it's full steam ahead. Not because I don't love her, but because I need to set legal boundaries to stop her from hurting me and the kids.

[BigMac]

So, it looks like listening to my gut is a smart decision.

I went to go drop S9 off at school (I have to pass WAW's place to get him to the drop off spot)

And the OM's car is parked there....

It's funny, how a WAW when faced with the reality of a life of hardship vs a life as a wife will turn on a dime.. but really she is just being cunning.

[sandi2]

Yes, she is, and that's why a LBH can't trust a wayward W when out of the blue (and being hit with first wave of reality) she suddenly has feelings. Even if she goes to him crying and saying she wants to work things out, he better be careful and not give her a "yes" immediately. If she has not truly had a change of heart and just thinking about her financial problems, then time always tell off on her. She won't walk the straight & narrow very long.

That is why I try to explain that WW's have to work to get the H back. Sounds a little contradiction to the theory of keeping the road home paved smooth, but if she is wayward, she will put you through all that pain again if she is able to get you that easily (saying she has feelings, etc.). The difference in the WW is she has to get herself straighten out before anything else works. Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't.

I am really sorry things didn't work out, Mac. You sound like a terrific guy, and whoever may be your next lady, I hope realizes how lucky she is.

[BigMac]

Sandi2:

It's funny how for months I was dreaming of that moment. And then through this process of finding myself I found that I could live without her.

And more importantly, that if I met her on the street and knew everything about her that I wouldn't let her in S9's life. Who knows if she will ever change (most likely she wont). She will still be in my life as the mother of my son. Other then that I figure she'll still avoid battling her demons, and make everyone around her pay the price. If she does, then who knows what the future holds. Well, the one thing I do know is that she lost the privilege of being called my wife.

Christina Perri has a great song called Jar of Hearts that is a very appropriate message for her - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM

Thanks for the compliment Sandi2 on me being a nice guy. For the longest time I believed I wasn't. Now I can see that I am a good man, with a big heart (fractured, but healing). And you are right, I'm sure I will meet someone in the world who values me for the person I truly am.

I'll keep everyone updated as we progress towards divorce.

[BigMac]

A little update for everyone.

WAW asks to come over two nights ago to grab some of her and D16's snow clothes. I agree, and when she comes I go into the storage unit out back and start pulling out snow stuff.

We separate the snow stuff, and I find a couple old fleeces that we had bought years ago. I grab them go to throw them out, and she is kind of set back. She asks why I wouldn't save them and my response (this is golden.. I wasn't trying to be passive aggressive) -

"I find no point in keeping things that I don't need in my life anymore"

The look on her face, was one of astonishment. I didn't mean anything buy the statement, but it really does reflect where I am at in my life. She said a couple more words, and then asked to take them instead of me throwing them away.

Shortly after, she was headed out the door. I said good bye and let her go.

30 seconds go by and she rings the doorbell asking for a hug.

You can't make this stuff up....

[BigMac]

So, I got in a car crash with S9 in the car this afternoon.

My first thought was to call the WAW. I did, left a message on her phone saying that S9 and I were alright, that he has a minor scrape....

After 14 years, and all that she has done to us she is still my first call... Some habits die hard I guess.

[sandi2]

You did the right thing by letting her know her son was not hurt.

[Mozza]

Your story is absolutely fascinating. I wonder if she really had a change of heart of sort, or if it appears this way because your expectations are so low now that she can only exceed them.

Keep updating.

PS: I really hope my WAW won't find this song Christina Perri!

[BigMac]

Sandi2: Thanks, I feel the right thing as a co-parent is to do that. It still shows a bit of weakness in my heart though.

Mozza: I think Sandi2 nailed it earlier. It is WAAAY to convenient. She is having a big reality check, but no remorse. No anything. I am just her Plan B she is lining back up again. I am pretty positive that as long as I don't pursue that she will continue to try to come back.

The thing is, that I don't believe it is sincere. And I am worth something, I don't deserve to be used and to have to go through this heart break all over again years down the line.

[BigMac]

Update - more WAW weirdness (I figure this might be at least entertaining to see the antics that happen.

So, my WAW was in the mountains on a vacation with her BF (the OM). I have S9 call her (I have him call her every day when he is with me). She asks him to talk to me, and asks if I want anything from on her trip. (as in a gift)

My answer "uhhh no" have a good day.

So then tonight she texts me, with a picture of a worry stone (she called it a wish stone) and left me a voice message -

From the WAW
"I don't know if you want it or not... but I saw it. You remember the wish stone, you used to have one. Anyways. I thought you might want it, so I got you one. But again you don't have to have it."

She got me a wish stone on one of her vacations back in 2002 I believe. The idea was that you would rub it with your thumb and it would take your worries away.

The weirdness continues.

[BigMac]

Now the question, should I accept the gift?

[sandi2]

Tell her you have no worries to wish away, but thanks for remembering.

(I can't imagine why you wouldn't want a little token of their vacation together. )

[BigMac]

I responded before seeing your reply Sandi2.

Just a simple Thanks, I left it at that.

When she tries to give it to me, I think I am going to use that line though.

And yes, I don't know what is going through her mind right now. Looking at her past, and talking to friends, she is deathly afraid to be alone. And it looks like she's always lined up her next man before leaving the last. It's my guess that this is the same behavior.

On the grand list of things that I want in my house, a worry stone from my WAW on vacation with her BF (OM) is not something I would prefer to keep.

[sandi2]

Looking at her past, and talking to friends, she is deathly afraid to be alone. And it looks like she's always lined up her next man before leaving the last. It's my guess that this is the same behavior.

Part (or maybe most) of that could be a security issue with her. With you, it was financial security she wanted. Maybe it is with the other men, too, or maybe it is to feel secure about her looks, sex appeal, etc.

[BigMac]

When she left, she had the financial security check box checked in her mind with credit cards, and a myth in her head (this cost of living calculator that she found) about how much further her money would go out in Tx, as well as the idea that she would have me over the coals with Alimony in our source state.

When she left, she was pressuring me into allowing an Open Relationship (To quote her, she wanted "Road Clam" and to see whether that hot guy in the bar would "do her"

She absolutely wants to be wanted. When she is feeling low she will normally post a selfie of her face to get positive comments on social media. Same thing with going out and wearing a low cut shirt.

I'm not a Psychologist, but she always has to have a source of narcisitic supply. I think that is the role the OM played. Have someone to pursue her, and validate her. He makes practically no money, she was giving him gifts, playing the sugar mama role.

Now that the divorce is being handled in TX, alimony is off the table (the courts believe that when a couple divorces here they should be independent people). As well as her credit cards are maxed out, her "needs" have changed.

Also, how I act towards her has changed. I had to be very timid until the case got moved out here, since it got moved out here I have been able to stand firm on my boundaries, and follow Sandi2's rules to a T.

So, the Alpha confident man that she knew long ago has made an appearance in full. I am living my life quite well. I would figure she see's me as a viable alternative now (though I agree w/ Sandi2 that she has not seen the error of her ways).

I'm not dumb enough to fall back into that trap.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Now the question, should I accept the gift?

Yes....but immediately take a long look at it and say:

"you got me the wrong stone....this one is a skipping stone"

and proceed to chuck it into the nearest forest, pond, woods, whatever and tell her"

"Thanks....real nice skip to that one"

[sandi2]

Yes....but immediately take a long look at it and say:

"you got me the wrong stone....this one is a skipping stone"

and proceed to chuck it into the nearest forest, pond, woods, whatever and tell her"

"Thanks....real nice skip to that one"

Love it!

[BigMac]

LOL, that is classic. A bit meaner then I would like to be

(I try to act in a fashion that if I looked back on my actions 20 years from now I would be proud of how I handled things)

I have to see her for a short time tonight to deal with some kid stuff. If she tries to give the stone, I think I'm going to use Sandi2's reply. It closer matches my feelings (I'm not really angry at the WAW, I just know that it is done, and there is no point to it).

I really don't have many worries in my life anymore (my biggest worry was her leaving, and if she was back I would worry about that). So no need for a worry stone (or wishes).

[BigMac]

So, the WAW came over yesterday afternoon for a co-parenting meeting.

She is kind of inching around trying to get back together (And I am doing everything I can to not let that happen).

She cried a little (not admitting any fault, just trying to make me feel sorry for her) She started stringing some lies together, and I called her out on them. She decided to stonewall some more and I was done.

Later that evening she and I were flirting (I have to be careful, my default mode her is flirting) via text / voice chat.

This morning I journaled for a bit, came to my senses (dancing with the devil there) and called her up, saying lies area boundary that I won't let anyone cross now. And that I won't stand for it.

I then quickly ended the phone conversation. It feels good to be holding my boundaries firm.

[HPoirot]

My favorite... Boundaries! Good for you BigMac. Lies about what though? You going to pull way back now? That means no more text/voice flirting, right? Good luck!

[BigMac]

Yeah, I'm pulling back again.

There were lies about a bunch of stuff, why she forged stuff on her filings, inconsistency between her filings (actions) and her words. Stuff like that.

The topic of how she hurt S9 when she left for months on end without seeing her came up. She got defensive and the lies started flowing to justify her actions.

Honestly, there is no relationship besides a co-parenting one. I don't know why I try to be nice through the divorce process.

[BigMac]

So the hard part about this process, is that down at my core, I want to have a good relationship.

Hell, at my core I would love to have a healthy lifelong marriage with this woman. I just feel that she hasn't worked through any of her issues yet.

And even though my heart wants to let her back in, my head knows better

[BigMac]

Update for everyone.

WAW came over to pick up a futon she had lent me. We got to talking about thanksgiving plans, and I mentioned that I was probably going to go out to eat with S9.

She invited me and S9 over to eat Thanksgiving dinner with her and D16. At first I pulled back a bit, and she pulled back too.

Then I told her to talk to me after her therapy appointment today and we can discuss the effect on the kids.

Honestly, I don't know what I want out of this. I'm a bit confused.

[BigMac]

Well, I caved yesterday. I brought S9 over along with a bunch of ingredients to thanksgiving dinner with WAW and D16.

Our interactions went well, we partnered on cooking and cleaning some stuff up.

It hurt very much on my side though. I ended up finding a book on her shelf, sex tips from a gay man while I was browsing. It kind of hit home that she was being a completely different person to her new man, and that yes the relationship is over.

It also clearly showed the whole Narcisist supply thing in living color. When the OM is gone, or not paying attention to me she is all up my sh*t. When I give her attention or he his back she is distant and playing games.

When I came back home, I hurt. I felt those feelings that I have been working so hard to move past. So in retrospect, huge mistake.

[Vapo]

Dude, you are only human. Forgive yourself, part of PMA is also love thy self. Be comfortable in your own skin, love your self and let the world know that you are confidant and that you love yourself and anyone who does not like it, can ...

[BigMac]

Thanks Vapo, I appreciate it

[BigMac]

Journaling

It's funny how when a WAW shows some sort of humanity after months of being distant that the LBH (me in this case) feels a wave of emotions. It's almost like you jump back into arms that aren't there.

They come in, they pull back. They are totally inconsistent. Mine specifically is showing all the traits of someone with NPD / BPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder / Borderline Personality Disorder).

It kills to see someone you love detonating their entire life, with your kids and you in the blast radius. And you just get to see it over and over again as they orbit, pull back, push in, over and over again.

But at least you get to know the pattern, and know there is nothing you can do to stop their sickness.

[Zues126]

Hey big, still there and rooting you on. Last night at midnight my STBX texted me 'good luck in your pool tournament. Let me know if you are in a live stream table so I can have the kids watch'. At that hour I'm guessing she was drinking by herself and missing the days she would root me on (she told me she missed that once after bomb drop). For just a moment I felt love for her I haven't felt for a month or more. Then I just realized she is still a woman who's values allow her to divorce a man and throw him out of his house and family, have an affair, and drink to oblivion at every chance, all while blaming me for everything. Yes, I'm still tender. But I don't need that. She's not be woman I thought she was and our M was bad even when I thought she was someone she wasnt. I had a moment of silence for the M and went to sleep. I did respond with a short thank you. I know I'm growing more detached because I'm not worried about whether I'm dark enough, or whether I'm backsliding. I really don't care whether she thinks I'm her plan B or not. Feels good. I have a long road ahead, but its been 5.5 months. I'm hoping in another 5.5 it gets even easier. Take care!

[BigMac]

Zueus,

That's a great way of looking at it. Looking at her actions (or at least 50% of her actions) and knowing that she is who she is.

She can attempt to change that person, but that will take lots of time.

[SunnyB]

I have a long road ahead, but its been 5.5 months. I'm hoping in another 5.5 it gets even easier.

I wonder where we will all be in 5.5 months. Seems like a long time.

[BigMac]

rppfl,

Looking at the general status of the board, improving ourselves, feeling better and detached, but most likely on the road to divorce

The mind of a WAS is a crazy one.

[BigMac]

Contact update,

So my WAW is back in our old town for a couple days for work. They have her in a hotel that is around the corner from the flat I rented for her while she went to school.

She text's me today from the City saying "Being in the City hurts my heart, it's odd"

I reply asking "how so"

She replies "Just don't have good memories"

We go back and forth a little bit, and I give her an affirmation (probably just short on her narcissistic supply) and then she thanks me, I say your welcome and hope you feel better.

Push Pull dynamic in full effect.

[BigMac]

Journaling,

The past couple days have been focused on introspection. Remembering what I did, Remembering what she did. And most importantly reflecting on the growth that has occurred (mostly on my side frankly).

A lot of this has been triggered by the re-introduction of my WAW into my life on her end through the process of co-parenting. There are feelings that rise up out of my chest that frankly I would prefer not to feel. They are painful, and similar to the feelings that I felt when she left.

I did a lot of thinking back to the pain, the anguish that both she caused and I caused. It's funny, if the person I am now me the person I was then.... well I would have so much to say.

I wish I had the skills back then to be a better husband, I wish I would have had the strength to change myself, and I wish have had the strength to leave her when I realized she was done with the marriage (years ago) and not put up with years of the pain of a one sided relationship.

It takes two to make a relationship work, and only one to end it. I was attempting the impossible.

[BigMac]

Update,

So if any of you are divorcing a WAW please read everything you can on divorcing a Narcissist.

A couple days ago I received a big fat stack of discovery paperwork with all sorts of allegations inferred in them.

Last night however we sat down together and said what would that look like if we just nailed down what we wanted. I think in a two hour session we were able to come to pretty close to settlement agreement.

No lawyers, just common sense.

She is scared, spending more money then she makes. And lashing out to fix her situation.

[BigMac]

Update,

We have sent off our agreed upon items to the lawyer to get them drafted. I don't know if she'll flip before then

As I stated from the beginning, a divorce decree is just a piece of paper.

One interesting voice text from this morning from the WAW (or STBX) is that she can't wait for this portion to be over so we can finally just talk.

[Mozza]

A very interesting text, indeed. Anyway, just stopping by to say that many of us are reading your sitch and are grateful for the updates. Good luck.

[sandi2]

One interesting voice text from this morning from the WAW (or STBX) is that she can't wait for this portion to be over so we can finally just talk.

just talk = be friends

[BigMac]

Mozza : Thanks for letting me know people are still looking. I sometimes feel that since my sitch took a turn towards divorce and I have come to terms with the new direction my life is going that people have moved focus onto threads that have more "hope"

Sandi : I hate to say it, (and maybe this is part of "dropping the rope") but I am perfectly happy with having a friendly relationship with the mother of my S9.

At the beginning of this process I was so lost. I thought the world would end if I didn't spend it with my W. You know what's crazy. Life goes on, every day is better then the last. I don't need anybody but myself right now, and that is perfectly fine.

And I know that when I am ready, I may find someone new. But for the time being I'm perfectly fine finding myself.

Also, this past couple months in Tx I have gotten more and more insight into my WAW. (spending more time interacting together). The reality is that she is a hot mess. Her life is a mess, her emotions are a mess, SHE is a mess. This is the same person in the same state that we separated in. She hasn't progressed in the 7 or 8 months since we split.

I have. I've healed, I've grown, my future is ahead of me, not behind me.

And I hate to say it, but I feel like for her the best part of her life may have already passed.

[sandi2]

As long as you understand that her idea of being friends with you.....and your idea, may be totally different. But as long as you are fine with it, that's what counts. If it causes you emotional pain or confusion, then it may not work so good for you.