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Go, Shining, go! You put yourself out there, but it's to get yourself somewhere! Good work. Keep going. Don't feel weird about some of these things (well, any of them). I think many are normal. We all have insecurities. Good for you to address them and grow. You have excellent guides walking you through this. They know what they are going, and they are really getting you to work, huh?! Yup, Shining, you were already amazing. Before you know it, you will be on top of the world. A girl only a fool..... You know.....

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Shining- thank you for being awesome and brave enough to put your journey through this out there for us to see. It is helping immensely to follow the process.

Interestingly the part about not receiving love because you feel you don't deserve it- I see that in my MLC H. And for awhile I was not like that but I was also the people pleaser and perfectionist who made sure I did everything to deserve it- and when I couldn't do that anymore- well- that's when my self esteem crumbled into a pile of chit!

We are all on the same journey- me, you, our MLCers ( they just do it with a little wider destruction in their wake). We can do this and see the beauty in the potential of the finished product! I see it in these vets who are guiding you.

Rock on blossoming into your awesome you!! Nerd cheerleaders are at your side!!


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
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Aww, thanks for your support, GB, daring and Mighty.....nerd cheerleaders, unite!

Funny how it is, when I'm working on my inner sludge, H doesn't come to mind as much. I did pretty well with keeping the focus today on me, (and of course kids) overall. I thought of him a tiny bit while journaling, but it was surprising how quickly my thoughts of him fled. ...Today, I was more important than that.

I felt a little sadness, though, as I got things wound up for the evening, and realized H didn't text or send words game all night.

I'm not beating myself up for thinking of H. I have it more under control than before, and I'm guessing it will keep getting better, overall.

Sitting quietly, grateful for the present calm. Over the past months, I've had big ups and downs. I know things can and will likely get worse....and will go all over the place for a long time. I'm trying to remind myself the marathon thing..... So, yeah....I did take time to breathe, and let myself enjoy this present calm, and just be.

Then, in my state of not-quite-but-almost-zen, I kinda dared myself to imagine what H might be doing...and although I'm curious...I found I couldn't stay in that mode. I kept hearing the words, "It doesn't matter." "Let him go on his journey." "I can't fix him."

THEN, because I gotta find the limits, I challenged myself to take it a little further......and see where I'm at emotionally. So, I imagined him depressed and zoned out, alone in his apartment, and also imagined the potentially dangerous, "what if" he's on a date with someone.

Neither one of those thoughts kept my attention. I really just hope he's ok. I still care, and wonder. But it's far less frequent, less painful, and I'm not consumed

Idk...detachment temperature check, I suppose.

So I don't know where this puts me in the detachment process....I'm for sure not 100%. But wow, big difference in pain. I'm proud of myself today. <<< trying to tell me that more often.



"I accept the DETACHMENT CHALLENGE...I now nominate another LBS."

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Originally Posted By: Shining
I'm starting to feel it more around female friends, too. Disconnected, I don't fit in...exactly what GB said. I feel myself acting as though I'm "not one of them", and I pull back. I wonder if it comes off that I don't want to connect....I can't quite explain it yet.


I don't believe that you ARE that way. I feel that you ALLOW yourself to be that way...

Saying that you just "are" , allows you to use that excuse anytime you don't want to face yourself....


And only YOU are able to dig out those "whys".

And before you say "nah. that's not right". You interact HERE, with Men (well T2 jk)and you don't seem to be intimidated any. You interact with Women here as well, and don't seem intimidated.

So...are you really disconnected ?

Or or you just socially awkward ?

Introverted personality ??

Extroverted personality ??

Somewhere in the middle ????

Many people are socially awkward, yet still function at a high level of comfort around people without having to tag it as being this or that...

So, I ask this. Why do you ALLOW yourself to feel this way ?

And WHAT are you fearing the most, when you are in those situations ???

Judgement ???

WHEN in your life have you allowed judgement to rule your personality ???

WHY did you fear it ???

Social status ???

Monetary ??

Expectations of being successful ??

Expectations of failure ???



Quote:

I was noticing at a parent meeting at school last night, I sat alone in the back. Watched all the other parents, single and coupled. It was like I walked into the room, and even though I arrived at the same time as them, they were "together", or "all in on the joke" ... I'm probably not coming across well in writing..... Just out of the loop, really. That's not who I used to be when I was younger at all.




See above ^^^



I also agree with T2 about your hit list. Yes, you need to have one, yet you do need to focus on the most important aspects of it first, and prioritize it, to how it fits into your life now.

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Quote:
I don't believe that you ARE that way. I feel that you ALLOW yourself to be that way...

Saying that you just "are" , allows you to use that excuse anytime you don't want to face yourself....


I agree, I for sure don't want to face myself. ^^^^ Can changing the way I word this stuff on the board, and to myself, really work to change how I think of it? Is that something I can do to stop feeling scared? I need to pay attention to that stuff, huh....

Quote:
And before you say "nah. that's not right". You interact HERE, with Men (well T2 jk)and you don't seem to be intimidated any. You interact with Women here as well, and don't seem intimidated.


I can be pretty confident hiding behind typed words.. smile . It's the in-person thing. I'm trying to pinpoint when this nonsense started. I also think it's situational, but I haven't yet defined the difference. For example, certain environments, I can totally "own it", whether I'm in the company of men or women. Others, I make assumptions and act as if I have no business being seen or heard...that's confusing to me.

Funny, my mother used to tell me that when I was little, I would cry if someone simply looked at me "cross eyed"... I don't yet understand why the face-to-face makes such a difference.


So...are you really disconnected ?
I would say I'm "being" disconnected. I'm not making the efforts I used to, and I hold myself back. And I even know it's silly at the time, but I do nothing to change it. It's not working for me....lol.

Or or you just socially awkward ?
I may be... I didn't used to think I was.

Introverted personality ??
I doubt that, but lately, on occasion, I do need to be alone.

Extroverted personality ??
That's how I always have been.

Somewhere in the middle ????
Hmmmm....situationally? Is that possible?

And WHAT are you fearing the most, when you are in those situations ???

Judgement ???
Oh, yyyesssss.

WHEN in your life have you allowed judgement to rule your personality ???
That one, I'll need to spend some time journaling. ^^^

WHY did you fear it ???

Social status ???
That's never been me.

Monetary ??
Same, it isn't something that either drives me or holds me back.

Expectations of being successful ??
Maybe a little.

Expectations of failure ???
Haha...maybe a lot.

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BOUNDARY thing just came up....not sure how to respond.

H just sent a text, with a "need" for his piano since we close Friday. He wants help from me, the codependent-fixer-enabler....who is trying to do better.

His text:Does S18 still date (girl next door)?

Me: yes

H: I dont ever talk to them. Do you think maybe they would let me keep the piano in their garage until Saturday? The helpers I have can't help until then.

Me: I would guess they would if they can. You know (Name), the dad, though. I would say just ask him.

(Normally I would have jumped in, offered to facilitate this whole thing. I had to stop and think how not to.)

H: I dont talk to them. They pretty much avoid me.

GEE, H, I WONDER WHY??? Perhaps it's the parade of ow you've had since I left? The drama outside with your kids? The way I cried as I explained to the neighbors why my kids and I were loading a moving truck? I can't imagine.

Yeah.... None of that last part came out. He's still hanging, though, I don't know how to respond.

Things have been so calm and cordial. I don't want things to get ugly just before we close, but at the same time, I don't really care. It's not my problem, not my piano, he could have arranged this sooner, or he can find another mover to do it Friday.

H used to chat with neighbors a lot....far more than I did, when he was out working in yard, or discussing house repairs, etc. Is he just being a big chicken? I don't want to do this for him. It's not my problem. But, since I have done this stuff in the past, he is ok asking me.

We haven't had the "this was your decision and now it's your problem" conversation....

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Shining,
You are doing great. Allow your man/child to figure out where he's going to store his piano. He could always rent a storage facility and put it in there or ask one of his friends to store it for him. I agree, he's had plenty of time to figure it out. He's still looking to you to fix things for him. Time for him to step up to the plate and take care of his own stuff. You've got a lot on your plate.

Time to let him figure this one out.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Just a couple things while I wait for the coffee to work it's magic on my brain...and ruminate on your posts.

Quote:
Can changing the way I word this stuff on the board, and to myself, really work to change how I think of it?


Yes, absolutely. The state of your experience at anytime is a result of your thoughts, and words are both an outward expression of your thoughts, but can also go the other way and re-wire your neuron connections.

Quote:
I don't want to do this for him. It's not my problem. But, since I have done this stuff in the past, he is ok asking me.


I tell my stbxw: "I know/trust/am confident you will figure it out."


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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Thanks, job. In looking at the texts again, there isn't anything for me to even respond to, is there? I'm seeing where old patterns of "answering questions that haven't been asked" has been a thing for me.

Sitting on it and not responding to his last comment is really hard. But I need to learn to just do nothing, not respond, and forget about it..... This gives me anxiety....

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Shining, I understand the anxiety. Been there. Once you don't respond, you get used to it. It gets easier; it's part of the detachment process. If you would feel better responding, I would probably say something like,

Good luck. Or

I am sure it will work out. Or

I am sure you can arrange something. Or

(Nothing, like you said)

He will get the picture.

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