So I message with Clark about s. He went for a checkup and got sick at the doc office! I let Clark know, plus Clark wasn't feeling well and went to the doc too. I asked about him. He thanked me, and seemed a little sad with the conversation.
I was doing a training and had just stopped talking. Clark again said thanks for checking on him. Ok. So I gave a brief text back after my training. The convo switched!
C: "BTW, I think you and I need to have a long talk away from everything" M: ok C: away from distractions, except home work and watching football teams M: ok C: do you think your parents can watch the kids? Maybe my mom too.
So I let him know I'll find out. Then I go and work some more. I talk to a friend that knows my sitch. We're both confused at what he's wanting. After thinking some more, I do need to look at the other side. If the kids are away, maybe he wants to split things up.
I come back to my messages with, "next weekend will get here fast. We need to decide where to go." OMG! I've been trying to get him to go away for 3 years!!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
So the next text I get is him asking me if I want to go with him to the high school football game! WTF? Now we're apparently moving to dating mode.
I did actually go. It was fun. Happened to be alum night. We sat in the press box and kept stats (he's one of the coaches...in case you forgot). Then on the drive home, he mentioned about the weekend get away. It is for next weekend and he wants "lay everything on the table to see if this is going to work." First time he has even mentioned the possibility of working on our marriage!
I'm needing to keep my head on my shoulders. I'm going to continue to DB my bottom off! I need to stay positive, but keep in the reality of everything. I'm thinking he may tell me a bunch of stuff I'm not ready to hear, but I'm mind reading.
We did book it, so now it's either a reconcile weekend or a thanks for the last roll in the hay weekend! Going for the first! Very confused at this point...
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
I want for you to be hopeful- but don't necessarily think this is "all or nothing". I've had many situations where H wanted to talk (though not a weekend away so who knows if similar) where he is still very torn. He wants to talk, then depending on the mood he is in he thinks there is hope or we just need to D. I've learned to be prepared for anything and remember the mantra " believe nothing they say and half of what they do".
I hope I'm not coming across negative- as I don't mean to be. This could be a very good movement forward in your sitch. But if it's not, it still doesn't predict the outcome. They flip flop constantly due to the pain, and from what you've put on here it is still early in his MLC.
No matter how the weekend goes, I hope you enjoy your time, and I'm rooting for you. God is with you too- what is supposed to happen will. I keep telling myself that for my sitch too.
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
I have had a whirlwind of the last few days. Clark spent the day Sunday with all of us! He invited me to join them for lunch with nana. It was sad though, she has Alzheimer's and you could sense it immediately. After a while, she seemed to remember more, but it was still awkward.
Then the kids wanted to go play golf, so we did. We had a blast. First time as a family doing this.
Then Monday Clark began texting me throughout the day... Long time since this has happened. I could still hear the MLC but I'm doing well dbing.
Then last night after football practice, Clark stayed over. We were up until 3am, talking and this was where I really still saw the MLC, but he was making future plans. He's still on the fence, but more of him is on my side.
I think I heard some projection and definite spewing! I was getting blamed for stuff, not sure what. I guess that's what we'll talk about this weekend. The projection was him stating, "if I decide to take you back...." I believe he wants to, but may feel I won't be happy after our conversation this weekend. I'm not sure...stop mind reading!
I really want this to work, but Clark needs to go away. There is still too much of him and not much Superman, though he has recently made some appearances!
Today I'm getting texts about paying off bills and finishing work on the house, but it's still a lot of him talk. Not much family or us...deep breath. Still a long road ahead.
I know he isn't planning on moving home just yet, but I'll know more by Sunday. I think a slow transition back is what we need. He hasn't been there for almost 6 months. It'll be huge when he is back, of course it'll be nice to have help with everything too.
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
So I meet Clark at football practice last night and guess what? HE IS WEARING HIS WEDDING RING! He hasn't had it on since April. Someone is serious about making this work. I am quite nervous.
What are we discussing this weekend? Is it stuff I want to hear or need to hear? How will I react? What do we talk about on the drive down (3 hours away)? What's going to happen when we return home? I know I don't need to freak out, but OMG this turn around is going so fast.
When we returned from practice, as always Clark came home. I asked him to start dinner since I had to run to the store...and he did! Not much else with help, but I don't have these expectations right now. Then shortly after, guess what? HE MOVED ALL HIS STUFF BACK HOME!
It was awkward this morning. He was grumpy and not very nice. He still doesn't feel well, but I'm not going to make excuses. I remained positive and did what I needed to. I even offered to make him lunch.
I really feel lost right now. I'm so overwhelmed and confused. I don't want him to hurt me again. I can't do it a third time!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Little or no expectations because he's still very fragile. Learn to accept him for who he is today and not the old h because you are starting out on a new marriage. May I suggest that you read Raine's postings as well as reachingHigher's? They both have and continue to work on their new marriages.
This, to me, is the hardest part of the crisis because the lbs expects things to return to normal and they won't. He will not settle down until about 12-18 months. He'll question and test you periodically to see if you are going to say or do something to call it quits. He may even suggest that he move out if something isn't working out properly. Don't buy into it. Be a friend, listen, validate and affirm whenever you can. Yes, you are going to have days when you just want to scream, but do it away from him. Don't expect him to be the way he was pre-crisis. He's still maturing and it's going to take a long time for him to finish up baking.
Dig deeper for patience because you will have moments of frustration, expectation and disappointment. It will take as long as it takes and you can't rush this process because if you do, he'll be right back out the door.
Patience and more patience! I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers that everything will work out.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
One foot in front of the other- I know it's so hard to keep your expectations low but try to do it. Rooting for you and praying for you!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Thank you for the encouragement Job, Daring and Shining. I tried reading some of the info before going on our weekend trip, but didn't get very far. I will continue to read them though!!
It has been a while since I posted. So we had a nice weekend. And I’ve really got to stay in the proper mindset that Clark is still in crisis and not himself yet. The ride down was hard. We were awkward for a bit; sat quietly. I let Clark start the conversations, but typically validated and listened. I never really gave my full opinion. We started listening to music and initially it was music we both really enjoy. He then changed it to love songs…which brought tears. He held my hand a few times on the way down. All I kept thinking was “Am I making the right decision? How can I survive this weekend? I can’t let him break me.”
We enjoyed each other’s company. We joked around, played pool and cards, relaxed in the hot tub, watched football. It was nice to just be with him.
We “talked” as he wanted to, which was really him blaming and accusing. I validated and even gave some honest responses. Overall I STFU because I know we can’t go there yet; Clark isn’t done.
Clark said he felt that I didn’t care about him or our relationship. He admitted to handling our situation wrong and should have done things differently. Didn’t really say how, but I guess that really doesn’t matter; what’s done is done. He didn’t find me attractive because I never lost my pregnancy weight and I didn’t care about me. He admitted that he probably didn’t help the sitch by saying these things to me…yep, low blows to an already low self-esteem individual! BUT I also see this as projection, because he’s not happy with his self. Continues to say he needs to lose weight and that he’s fat and man, does he use a lot of sarcasm about being this woman magnet!
I agreed that I probably didn’t show him that I care as much as I really do. As we all know, we can’t love others if we don’t love ourselves. Side note: I was always that skinny kid that everyone hates…sorry can’t help how my body works! I added a little weight pre marriage and was happy with my weight, as was Clark. Then we had 2 kids back to back and I gained over 50 lbs. I tried to lose the weight, he didn’t really support me or encourage me as I felt I needed. Then I entered a stressful job for the next 4 years which took a toll on me physically and emotionally. I’m almost to pre baby weight and absolutely feel so much more confident and energized. I still have a few pounds and lots of body toning to be totally satisfied, but d@mn it I’m happy with myself!! Clark focused on the remaining weight I still need to lose, no “You are looking fantastic. I’m proud of how hard you’re working on yourself. Great job staying with your workout.” Nope, “You really need to lose that flab on your stomach.” Deep breath…and smile. Thank you, I will continue to take care of myself.
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
A few nights before we left, Clark and I stayed up late talking. It was so nice to connect with him on a personal level. I’m very cautious talking with him about the future, because at this point who knows what it will entail.
Clark mentioned that he was wanting to sell his original wedding ring. This would be gold with diamonds, which he picked out and thought was what he wanted. He hasn’t actually worn this ring in years (maybe a few days here or there) but has decided that he wanted a titanium ring. He got this one a few years ago, and this is what he typically wears (the one he has put back on). So Clark asks me how I feel about him selling it so he can get something else. I think I’m ok with him doing this, it really has no sentimental value to me.
So fast forward to this weekend. I’m beginning to wonder if Clark knows about this board, or if it’s just coincidence. Clark has this obsession with Superman now. As I have stated before, I nicknamed him Superman. He talks about getting a new tattoo of Superman and where he should put it and blah, blah, blah. I validate. It’s your body, put it where you want. My opinion really doesn’t matter anyways; I did not say this.
So today I’m at work and I get a message from him. It’s a picture of a silver ring with the Superman symbol. He tells me this is his new ring, hahaha. I told him he was silly. Then he says Lol, you’ve always called me superman. It’s perfect. I did agree.
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
