Well its my first time here as a member but have been reading a few posts by others. My Fiance has just left me out of the blue, called a moving truck and had her things taken to storage and would not talk about the relationship and what went wrong exactly and just wants communication with my family and my daughter from a different relationship, no real reasons givin just left, ill start from the first:
I was in the middle of another separation at the time I met her, I have a daughter with the ex. We met 5 years ago at a work, we fell for each other right away and were never apart, she helped me through my other separation which was a nasty money battle witch left me with nothing. So our jobs were camp jobs away from home and she was from one side of the country and me from the other, she moved out to nova scotia and we got a house together, everything was perfect, we worked for the same company and had the same shift, together 100% of the time and loved it, we would come home on our days off (14-7) shift and go bacxk together as well, I had taken another job offshore working 3 weeks on and 3 weeks off, this only gave us 6 days home together every 5 weeks, it was stressing me out to the max and I was getting angry at everything and didn't even know it making our supposed to be quality time stressful as well. We sold the house to rent another while our new house was being built, still the same stress from working away from each other but now the added stress needing money to build this new house, I was stressed and mad all the time and didn't know it. and to top it all off I was in and out of court with my ex because she is miserable and would do everything in her power to ruin my new relationship, its like it was her mission in life and I let it get to me. Now I didn't see what I was doing to the relationship but she pulled away as well. We had so little time together that we would have good days then it seemed like our last day all the built up stress boiled over and we fought our last day home together and went back to our jobs mad and forgot about it and never really dealt with anything and just let it build up again. She choose to do a fitness competition which consumed her life and our time together was no longer together because of this, no more goinjg out to eat or for drinks, we just stopped doing all the things we used to do to have fun, no parties or anything. I would get mad about it, she couldn't see the problem, we just kept getting further and further apart, she finally asked me to go to counseling in the middle of a fight and I shot it down because I was mad at the time then it passed and we both thought everything was alright. Our new house was finished in april 2014, all was good again because of the new place. Then the ongoing stress of so much time apart and paying for the new place and the extras that come along with a new house. She was taking her job home with her and it was making me angry because we were already apart to much then to take more work home. I didn't see how mad I was getting and she didn't see how much she was ignoring our time together, finally she told me while I was away and her mind was made up, marriage plans were off and she wasn't wearing her ring and and she was moving out, we got home the same day from work and I begged and pleaded with her but nothing worked, she cried and balled asa well but said she cant do it anymore and my anger was to much, her sister in law came along to help her and she saw my side as well as hers, she has tried to talk to her but she is shutting everyone out, I am currently going to a counsellor to deal with my anger and she is seeing one as well. She said she will go see the one im talking to to help me and my daughter but not for the relationship, she has gotten some real bad advice along the way from people she doesn't even know as well. this happened about 5 weeks ago and she moved her stuff out 2 weeks ago, im stressed to the max because I know we can make this work, we had plans for her to move home here and stop working away but never made it that far, my daughter loves her to death and is taking it hard and she loved my daughter as well, not sure how she can just up and walk away without even talking first, ive been giving her space and not talking but I feel that's just making her decision easier, any advice while I wait for my books to show up, thanks
I know it feels like being amicable and giving your significant other space feels like allowing or "accepting" what's happening, but in truth they're EXPECTING you to do the opposite, so when you don't it confuses them and pulls them toward you.
Figure out how you can make some 180 degree behavior changes to improve your life and take care of YOU and don't chase her. When someone is chased, it just pushes them further away and makes them WANT to escape to get away.
You'll find great support on these boards!
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
things that don't make sense to me are that we just built this brand new house and there was no real notice given, I asked her why she left without telling me there were problems and she said she doesn't believe in threats to make me change, I don't see that as a threat but instead a conversation addressing issues that need to be worked on. Also said she is just to exhausted to work on it anymore and she cant come back because if there is no change it would hurt to much to leave again, she seems very serious and its really getting to me. Im not calling or texting unless my daughter wants to talk to her because she said she doesn't want to lose contact with her and still wants a relationship with her. I feel our jobs and being apart so long are what brought on this stress and anger and we had plans for her to stop working away, I think that she feels she can find someone else who is perfect. She has wanted kids since day one and still does, we had plans for a family, she is now 27 and im 33, I toldher the grass isn't always greener on the side and we have come this far to just walk away, she doesn't listen, this was over 2 weeks ago and weve had almost no contact since then. I know she is dying to have a family and this working away was to pay things off so that could happen, she is just staying in hotels and renting cars on her time off or staying with friends, it must be getting to her but who knows, hard to tell with no communication, its driving me crazy.
She is goinggoing to see the counselor that I have been seeing tomorrow afternoon, should I ask her how it went as I won't be around, I'm leaving for work today for 3 weeks. There is am appointment for the 2 of us made for whenwhen I get home but she is saYing she Might not be around for that one. I'm reading the divorce remedy now but still looking for some help.
This not having any contact is killing me because I couldn't have it if I wanted to, our jobs are so far apart and we are only off for one week at the same time every 5 weeks and she isn't around when I am off, I know she left in a hurry and I thought she would regret it but it doesn't look that way anymore. Her stuff is all moved out of our new home and im stuck making every payment, it driving me crazy and I just cant figure her out, the time she did call was about an over due bill and she seemed fine on the phone like nothing was going on and nothing was bothering her, I don't know what to do next.
Im not sure if im doing something wrong here but ive been reading other posts and people are getting answers and some great advice but im getting nothing, a few views and only one response, maybe only certain members can see my post?
It sometimes takes a while to get folks to chime in. I'm a newb and my initial impressions on what gets traffic:
Once you have read DB or DR, and start using the lingo, people respect your posts more because you are putting in the work.
Posting in other people's threads - if only to offer support and to let THEM know you are listening - is a sign of empathy and may draw interest. These boards are BUSY...and they cycle through pretty quickly. I'd guess 100 active threads in "Newcomers" alone.
Try to use good grammar and structure your posts in a way that is pleasing to the eye.
Post fairly frequently, read success stories, etc. You'll get the hang of it.
As far as your sitch goes...read DR. There's a ton of information in there. If your fiancee has basically checked out, you need to research 180s, GAL (Get a Life), Last Resort Technique, etc. THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES. But you can begin to put your own life together, which is typically very attractive to your significant other.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
I'm sorry you find yourself here. This board is a wealth of knowledge and support. While I'm not a vet, a few things jump out at me about your post. Please know that my goal is not to be harsh-just commenting on what you've stated.
You met your fiancé during your separation and spent 100% of your time together. Had you really healed from your prior R? I ask because the attention from your fiancé may have served as a distraction. Also, if she met you during a tumultuous time she would not see the *real* you. Perhaps this relationship was built on filling a void and not facing your previous issues. I'm not saying you don't love your fiancé-just saying that this sounds like a R with codependency from the way you describe it. Issues *apeared* once the excitement wore off. Does that make sense? Why did your previous R end?
Also, you refer to your ex a a witch. Listen, we all vent here. However, you still sound angry about THAT split. That anger combined with other factors appeared to spill over into your current R. Your fiancé said she can't deal with your anger.
Being/working apart can be stressful. I think it's great that you are seeing an IC for your anger. Focus on working on things that make you a better person. Going to couples' therapy would be a waste now as your old at is dead. Doesn't mean you can't build a new one if you choose.
Detach. It does get better!
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 09/17/1412:19 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
It takes time to get responses. I agree with shakspr, go visit other posts and chime in occasionally. Once you are off moderation your posts will be seen faster and you will start to see more information flow your way.
I visit people who are in the same sitch as me. Often times the advice they get applies to me, or can be modified a little. If nothing else, it will help you feel less alone. Good luck and I wish you the best.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
I'm sorry you find yourself here. This board is a wealth of knowledge and support. While I'm not a vet, a few things jump out at me about your post. Please know that my goal is not to be harsh-just commenting on what you've stated.
You met your fiancé during your separation and spent 100% of your time together. Had you really healed from your prior R? I ask because the attention from your fiancé may have served as a distraction. Also, if she met you during a tumultuous time she would not see the *real* you. Perhaps this relationship was built on filling a void and not facing your previous issues. I'm not saying you don't love your fiancé-just saying that this sounds like a R with codependency from the way you describe it. Issues *apeared* once the excitement wore off. Does that make sense? Why did your previous R end?
Also, you refer to your ex a a witch. Listen, we all vent here. However, you still sound angry about THAT split. That anger combined with other factors appeared to spill over into your current R. Your fiancé said she can't deal with your anger.
Being/working apart can be stressful. I think it's great that you are seeing an IC for your anger. Focus on working on things that make you a better person. Going to couples' therapy would be a waste now as your old at is dead. Doesn't mean you can't build a new one if you choose.
Detach. It does get better!
Thanks for the reply, as for my old R, it was over long before we actually split, she would lie cheat and steal, at the end we were just living together because of my daughter, she didn't want it to work and neither did I, there was no trust left and it was a poison situation. I did bring anger from that split over to my new relationship because obviously my EX got the house, a new SUV and spousal support payments from me at $4100 per month, and she still wanted more so the court battles were a regular thing, I just wanted away and gave everything to be free from all the mess. I absolutely love my fiancé, I feel the stress of being together all the time for the first few years then all of a sudden only once every 5 weeks got to both of us including moving all the time and building a new house, I was angry at everything and she saw it as me not being happy in the R. When we were both stress free we got along great, just like when we were brand new and it was awesome, it just took so little to set me off that it threw us back into a rut then before we knew it we were back at work. Im in the middle of reading the DR right now while at work, she is currently visiting my parents and daughter while im out here, she saw my counsellor yesterday and I don't know if I should ask her how it went or just leave it. Thanks.
