Here's a question... One of Sandi's rules is to not schedule dates together...but what if the WAS contacts the LBS to do something like see a movie, or go to dinner, or attend some kind of event? Should the LBS accept? It would seem on the one hand a good sign that the WAS wants to do something with the LBS...but on the other hand, is the LBS being too available if he/she accepts the invitation? Would the proper tact be to accept some, but not all, invitations? It would certainly seem to be not in the LBS's best interest to have the WAS looking elsewhere for someone to invite to do these type of things...
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
I guess I'll cite Sandi, in response to your questions of late.
15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
Some new words I have been carrying around: Nobility Lift Joy Life Class Responsibility Deliberate Stinky (because, too serious is never the right answer all the time)
I would say that approaching you in bed for a rub when you're already asleep might be a good time for you to say "Please ask me tomorrow when I've had some rest, or before I'm already crashed."
I told my wife when she attempted to bait me into solving a problem for her (that she could then argue about) involving lawyers that when we were married, her problems were mine, her hurts were my hurts. But now, she is leaving me, and she has taken that responsbility with her. After blowing up at me, she came back hours later to apologize.
As for the date...I would respond with some open ended questions. "Tell me more about what you have planned." And be prepared to say "No, thanks" if she wants anything other than childcare discussion or some other necessary convo. No romanticism. We're talking Denny's here.
My two cents, anyway.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
W had suggested that after she moves out, we would agree not to see other people (I don't know that I would necessarily trust her to keep up her side of that deal, but that's another story...), and that we continue going out with each other once a week (something we had been doing for the past few months as a "date night") and think of it as a way of checking in with each other to see where we each stand.
I'm not too sure how I feel about that, to be honest.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
I just jumped in on your thread, but I can't get over the idea that her mixed signals are not a healthy response for either of you.
I would be very tempted to tell her that date night is off for the time being. She'll push, of course. I would simply say that you are willing to discuss anything and everything about the children, but now that she has moved out, you need time to sort things out and think them over.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
So another day has passed and still no mention from W about her discussion with her parents about moving in with them or a firm move-out date. Obviously I'm not going to ask or even bring it up.
W did have a session with her IC tonight. I learned a long time ago to ask nothing about those too, so when she got home I just played a board game with the kids while she relaxed on the couch. After putting the kids to bed W asked me to sit with her on the couch, and then said that it was late and she didn't feel welll so she didn't want to go into it in depth, but that she had a good session with her therapist and she wanted me to make an appointment as soon as possible with the MC I had previously arranged for us to see via a referral from my own IC. So... I will do that tomorrow and then...I'll see where this goes.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Called MC to make an appointment... from talking to her she seems like just the right person for W an I. Unfortunately...she only accepts payment upfront, rather than handling billing the way my IC does (my IC gives me a receipt, I submit it to my insurance company, and then the insurance company sends my IC a check for the billed amount). The MC wants $230 upfront for an initial 1.5 hour session. It would be money well-spent for sure, but I just don't have the cash on hand right now. With school having just started for the kids and all the expenses related to that, plus gearing them up for fall and winter... It would be almost literally taking food out of my kids mouths to fork over that amount upfront right now. Has me a little stressed out. Not sure what to do other than speak to my IC, who works within the same practice as the MC, and see if she can talk to her about handling billing the way my IC does.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Stumps, $230 is crazy expensive! Is that the norm where you are? I'm in an expensive metro area and my MC is only $140 (previous one was $120).
Yeah, seems super expensive to me too, but I have no idea where it falls on the scale around here for MC. My IC bills $140 an hour though... And I live in one of the most expensive parts of the country for sure. I'm also of the understanding that the initial MC session would be longer and therefor more expensive than the ones to follow. Still seems like a huge chunk of change...But my IC has been absolutely stellar, and so highly recommends this MC that I would really like to find a way to make things happen with her. Especially because I've experienced disastrous results in the past after just picking an MC "out of the book".
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
I decided to call the MC back to day and plead my case... I convinced her to bill us--at least initially--and then accept reimbursement from my insurance company rather than making us pay upfront. So we have an appointment on Monday. I have to confess, I'm a bit anxious about it...although I'm not sure why. Hopefully it will be a growth/learning opportunity no matter what the outcome. The MC specializes in Imago therapy...although I'm not sure that's what she'll be conducting with us.
W still hasn't said anything more about the discussion she presumably had with her parents about moving in with them... nor has she mentioned in any greater depth what made her last visit with her IC so particularly "good"... but if the outcome of that session was her agreeing to MC rather than feeling like there was no point...well, I'll take that.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Not sure what's going on with the "Read Only" announcement here, but it seems others are still posting. I suppose if this post gets lost it's no big deal.
W and I have our first MC session today. I'm trying to keep a "beginner's mind", but it's hard not imaging what it will be like and how it will go. Particularly keep thinking about what W will have to say. I'm not even sure she suggested we go because she's interested in saving/fixing our marriage...the last time we went to MC a few years ago it was so she could tell me she wanted a divorce in a controlled environment.
I'm reminding myself to go into this, at least initially, in listening mode. My goal is to listen...responding as necessary of course. But I think it would be smart to begin this process, no matter how long or short it ends up being, by hearing what W has to say rather than taking it as an opportunity to get everything off my chest. I definitely have a bit of a "thin ice" feeling.
Also, and I feel kind of bad about this, but W is going to visit her very old/invalid grandmother before our appointment today. This never puts W in the best place emotionally, and I hate to confess this but it has me worried that it may cast a pall over out session today. I know I shouldn't make that assumption...but it's hard not to.
Last edited by stumps; 09/22/1401:55 PM.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
