to wait or not to wait

[Shakspr]

You know, lately I find myself fixated on what like post divorce would be life far in the future: kids graduations and weddings, having mutual grandchildren together, deaths in the family etc. All of that seems like it would be just a lifetime of forever awkwardness. At the moment, I find that more motivating to try and salvage the relationship, but that's just today :-)

This. 100 times this. I wanted my marriage to be the stable one. To be the Grandparents our children deserve.

And that's why I won't give up on my M, even post-D, for quite a while.

[u-turn]

Thanks for this - I think of this all the time. (another time here that I realize that I am not alone)

I have thought through a"new version" of my lifetime (separate) and it is not even close to what I want (and not what we have planned for in our past 20 years for our 40 more).

I am not giving up.

[Ahoy]

CaliGuy, you are so right! Some days I am THRILLED not to be in a relationship with him (because he is selfish, a slob, disorganized, etc.), and then some small thing will happen in our interactions, and it puts me in a tailspin of despair and wishing I had my husband back. But I have to remind myself that I'm just mourning the death of a relationship AS I PERCEIVED IT. The happy marriage I thought I had just didn't really exist -- it was my experience, not his, apparently. So best to let go of that illusion. Today I feel good about being just friends with him.

raliced, I too think about the future and weird interactions. (I think about him walking D14 down the aisle one day and it makes me want to barf.) But we really can't predict how we will feel at that point. If we have moved on and are happy either with ourselves or with someone else, then maybe we won't feel the need to cling to bitterness. I know that I, for one, don't want to hold on to those negative feelings. I want to let him go knowing that life will go on, and that I will have peace either way.

[SunnyB]

I have to remind myself that I'm just mourning the death of a relationship AS I PERCEIVED IT. The happy marriage I thought I had just didn't really exist -- it was my experience, not his, apparently. So best to let go of that illusion. Today I feel good about being just friends with him.

I like this, and it's true for me as well. Except I'm not ready for the friend part, I will be his W for as long as I am, the mother of his children forever, but I am not to the friend stage yet. Maybe someday.

[Maybell]

Hey, Ahoy, I'm just checking in so you know I was here, because you're always so generous about responding to me. I don't have any wisdom to impart, except to note that your situation is still really new, and there's a lot of processing left to go. Hold on to your PMA as tightly as you can, it's your lifeline.

Hugs to you!!!

[Ahoy]

Thank you Maybell and rppfl! It helps to feel not so alone. Yes, I do have a lot of processing left to do, and I can see my emotional ups and downs. Today I feel strong and ready to be done with the M, but a few days ago I was an emotional sobbing wreck. I know that more ups and downs are coming my way! I'm trying to enjoy the peace I feel today, and I hope that with time, the stretches of peace are longer -- although I know I have some major hills to climb if we do go through the dissolution process.
GAL plans for tonight: Going to listen to 20s jazz! Hooray for PMA!

I hope you both are holding up okay as well! Wish we could all hang out together in the real world.

[South74]

My issue is how long do you wait .
Surely different circumstances could mean waiting for years is pointless .
Like if they are with another person . How long do you give it until you move on .

I understand myself that I would have her back tomorrow but in a few months I'm not sure how I would feel ,but then I feel bad that I may feel that if in months to come she decided to come home that I may not want that and I'm not sure how I would deal with that scenario.

Aaaaggghhh it makes my head spin thinking about it

[MrBond]

"My issue is how long do you wait .
Surely different circumstances could mean waiting for years is pointless ."

No really.

"Like if they are with another person . How long do you give it until you move on."

That's up to you. My W took 3 years before she started even being friendly again.

"I understand myself that I would have her back tomorrow but in a few months I'm not sure how I would feel ,but then I feel bad that I may feel that if in months to come she decided to come home that I may not want that and I'm not sure how I would deal with that scenario."

Well the marriage vow that YOU made was for life. So it's up to you. If you can't handle it, then file the papers now and move on. Simple as that.

"Aaaaggghhh it makes my head spin thinking about it"

Then don't. There's no timeline on this.

[Ahoy]

Hi South,
I hear you regarding confusion about when to move on. If you asked me a couple days ago, I would have said "never"; but if you asked me today or last week, I might have said "today"! It varies with my emotions and what I'm dealing with at the moment.

What this shows me is that I'm having a lot of conflicting and confusing emotions as I'm dealing with this situation, so I shouldn't trust my feelings right now. And that, my friend, is why I'm taking my time.

In my case, I told my H that he should tell me when he's "done," and that I'm not interested in getting D this year, but if he wants that, I won't stand in his way, and we can discuss it in January. He said I would have to move on with my life at some point. I told him I already had a life, and that it was worth it to me to be patient. I told him that if he was still uncertain in January, I would wait as long as August (when his lease is up). Beyond that, I don't think there would be any benefit to staying. But I do think it should be him to initiate the process because I do stand by my vows and feel that we could work through the issues if he chooses. I'm setting boundaries (deadlines) for him to decide what he wants to do, which is for my own self preservation.

Now if he honors that and doesn't file for D before then remains to be seen...

[Ahoy]

I watched the movie "Stuck in Love" last night on a friend's recommendation. It's about WAW -- and WAS in general, and about waiting and being in limbo. It was hard to watch at times, but I recommend it. It made me feel like I'm doing the right thing, even though I can't honestly say that I'm "in love" with my H right now.

Did I mention he grew a beard? (Part of the MLC process and to spite me because I always hated his facial hair -- it looks terrible on him and is very sharp, so no fun to kiss, not that that's happening anymore). I've decided that if he returns and keeps the beard, I will grow out my own hair where the sun don't shine and see how he likes it!