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Joined: Aug 2012
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I’ve said before that I’d much rather have regrets that I held on too long, than to have regrets that I gave up too soon. That whole turning over every stone to save our marriage thing.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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So, here I am asking for help, like Job promissed some time in one of my therads, to post here when H contacts me again and "we help you come up with the reply". So, today is the date when H transfers money to my account for the condo payment. He texted "Transferred xxxx to your account." Five minutes later I got another text "Thanks for the mail". Wow, I got appreciated... Like he read my recent posts...

I'm thinking to reply "You are welcome. Thanks for letting me know about the money". Or, shoud be more elaborate?


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 242
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Bright - I'm no vet or 'expert', but I'd just say 'You're welcome' and leave it at that. I know I am guilty of overanalyzing e-mails or texts I get from H, and sometimes it's just clearer to those outside the sitch what might be best to do. With a simple 'you're welcome,' you're both being polite, but that's really about it, nothing more, nothing less. Seems appropriate for the circumstances. Just my 2 cents...


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
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LiveNow, thanks for the advice. This has been my response for some time. I was told here before that if nothing works, change what you are doing. Just trying to see if I should look at this from a different prospective and change my responses.

It doesn't look like I am going to get other replies in the next few min, so I am just going to send what posted. I don't want to have to much between my response to him, it's already been 3 hours.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
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"You're welcome."

"See if you can guess what I'm wearing right now."


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Joined: Mar 2014
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Bright - true, if not working, try something else. I like FY's response! Try that! Would love to hear the result! LOL


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
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Bright,
Your response was a good one and it was simple, i.e., nothing over the top.

BTW, I'm glad he recognized your efforts in forwarding his mail on to him.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2489167 09/16/14 08:43 PM
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Hi Bright. Sorry I didn't see this sooner. But, I know I wouldn't have had the right thing for you to reply, anyway. I stink at that. Lately, if xh says thanks, I don't even reply.

That is not at all what I am recommending for you at all!!! Totally different sitch. But I think simple and polite says enough.

I am glad he took a second and acknowledged your helping him out. He truly sounds like one of those who just lays low. I think he probably appreciates it, but it is a lot for him to reach out. At least he took the time to do so when he was communicating. I think that shows he does think about it. At least that is a relief, right?

Well, I hope you are doing well. I hope you are finding ways to keep yourself moving along and find some internal peace and happiness.

Thanks so much for your support this weekend. I really needed it. It means the world to me, seriously.

Keep your chin up, Bright!

Mighty #2489188 09/16/14 09:08 PM
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BF,
I see you are indeed 'Doing all right' since I last read here! Happy that h acknowledged mail sitch!!

It seems as though the general rule of thumb re: MLCer is not to not go 'over the top' re anything ... even slightly (!), grin as their 'meter readings' tend to reflect more overall sensitivity (re verbal feedback, enthusiasm re reaching out to LBS, etc). Conventional wisdom is to keep interaction polite, be nice, but not too effusive. A 'trim the fat' approach.

Take care & keep at it BF! (you've got your name to live up to!) wink
pb

Last edited by pbetra; 09/16/14 09:13 PM. Reason: always typos! ;0)

pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

pbetra #2490582 09/24/14 03:51 AM
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Update.

Went to vacation home last weekend. My male friend over there turned 60. It kind of put the things into perspective. His wife is 34, and their kid is not even 2. There were other friends visiting, who actually organized a small party. I was pulled into the conversation about H, again. It started just with the questions, but turned out to be an “advising, what to do” session. I was asked again why don’t I divorce H, why I would not leave the condo to H, I was told that my son will get over the whole thing and I should not worry about him. I was asked if I’m dating and I was told how it is just OK when people split up but still maintain the common friends. Now, this is from the couple who were never divorced (first and long lasting marriage for both, even though not without arguing and bickering), and who don’t have kids.

When I was leaving the vacation place yesterday, I was thinking that maybe they are right and I’m just a bad, stupid person again. I know, stinking thinking… I started to think that I do need to file for D and never go to the vacation home again. I’m so fed up with this.

When I was leaving for the vacation home on Friday, I received a text from H, saying that he “had” to pay him, and that now the company taxes are due. He said that he sent me a file. The text “sounded” like he was not that happy to send it. I was driving at that time, so didn’t respond until I had to stop before crossing the border. I replied to him saying that I was on my way to the vacation home and that I would take care of the taxes when I get back. I asked him if the pay day was on that day. He replied “yes”. I sent another text saying that I think I have until Wednesday to pay the taxes (they have to be paid in the next few days after the payroll.) There was no reply to that. I thought that he was not happy that I was going to the vacation home. Before my first reply I was thinking that he would be happy for me and wish me a good trip, then I would tell him about his friend’s B-day (I don’t think he remembered.) Since he just replied “yes”, I decided not to mention anything. I’m not his mother to remind him about his friend’s B-days.

I suspected that he was not in a good mood, because he said he “HAD” to pay himself. I know that he had, because he run out of money and would not have any to pay for the condo next month. But he also didn’t make as much money on the company books as he hoped for. Oh well, not my problem.

So, considering all that happed during my time at the vacation home and his grumpy texts, I was having these thoughts that I should just do something to end this. I was seriously thinking about filing for D, telling him to stop any mail to my house, removing all my stuff from the vacation home and not going there again.

When I came back home yesterday, I opened his e-mail with the file. And… there was a completely different tone. He addressed me by name, informed me about the payroll for him and asking me if I could pay the taxes, and if not to please send him the necessary documentation, so he could “attempt to do it” himself. He put his usual (good mood usual) “Hope all is well”. But then… in PS he asked me the QUESTIONS… “How was vacation home over Labor Day? Everything OK with the Condo?”

So, I guess he knows I was at the vacation home a few weeks ago from his brother (my BIL), who went to the wedding last week. I guess there was a talk about me. I wonder if BIL told all the family how he keeps close to my family and how we have good relationship and good times together. I’m curious if they were surprised.

Not sure what prompted H to ask these questions. It’s been a while since he wanted to know anything about me. Maybe he was just trying to be polite because he was asking me a favor?

So, what do I do now? Do I reply with some good news about my time at the vacation home? I think I will. At this point I just don’t care anymore if it will be DBing or not. I would reply to a friend. It is just this made me to take a step back again and question my readiness to file. I will give it a few days to see what happens with my feelings. I either will be back into the standing mode, or I will get more angry and determined.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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