The wife has dealt with depression on and off for the last couple of years. She has tried pills once but stopped after a couple of weeks. Because of the nightmares and all the sleep they caused.
25years I've been working very hard on my relationship skills and anger issues. She says she has seen the changes but doesn't believe they will last. With depression and every thing that goes with it. It is very serious.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
So what is your wife asking for and/or what is she asking you to do?
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I am sorry PM I don't think I am understanding what your talking about. She is not really asking for anything. Except for me to be there for her emotionally. As she keeps asking me for advise on going to the doctor because of her stress and her anxiety levels.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
The wife has dealt with depression on and off for the last couple of years. She has tried pills once but stopped after a couple of weeks. Because of the nightmares and all the sleep they caused. I am not sure if you know this, but there are SEVERAL DIFFERENT forms of medication for anxiety and panic attacks AND OR nightmares...she can try some more. Also the side effects fade away after about 3 months in more than half the patients who get them. So Giving up on them too fast doesn't make sense, considering.
25years I've been working very hard on my relationship skills and anger issues. Keep up the good work!
She says she has seen the changes but doesn't believe they will last. With depression and every thing that goes with it. It is very serious.
I agree, & I also believe its serious, and should be treated as such.
That still leaves you your work, so you can focus on that - rather than making it all about HER...
Good luck and btw I DO see hope in your situation.
Take care of yourself and your kids.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I am sorry PM I don't think I am understanding what your talking about. She is not really asking for anything. Except for me to be there for her emotionally. As she keeps asking me for advise on going to the doctor because of her stress and her anxiety levels.
Is she asking for time and space? Separation? Divorce? Is she asking you to to stop doing something or start doing something else? Is there anything explicitly being said by her that you are crystal clear about? What does she say she needs/wants? What has she SAID she needs/wants? Etc.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
PM, in the last couple of months I have heard all of the above. Time, space, divorce, and seperation. There is no specific thing that she is asking for. The one specific thing that I can honestly say that I might think she needs is time. She is trying to figure out what she wants me or OM. She has made comments on how if in six months or so that she has decided that she wants or marriage or life. And I have moved on then she has lost out on that choice. If that makes any sense. She has also made comments that OM has pushed her a little to make a choice on what she wants in life.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
I did have to go to the old house last night. Because of a showing of it and help her pick up the house. Neither if us thought we would have a showing two days after it went on the market. Trust me not a doormat at all. Just didn't finish what I promised I would do a week ago. So I had to finish the job.
25years or Sandi how serious is depression or anxiety during this part of her life. With the divorce and seperation of the kids. She just started nursing school and is finally paying all her own bills. When I seen her yesterday I was very concerned. She had shortness of breath and a nervous talk and looked as white as a ghost. I asked if she wanted to go in right then but she refused and said she could go in tomorrow at her appointment. Is this something all WAW go through?
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
Rest assured, because you are in good hands. If you are talking to a DB coach, do precisely what he or she says. If that is over, sandi2 and 25yearsmlc are telling you exactly what you should be hearing, you just have to be willing to listen and follow through. (I have read what they have posted, and - though it may be difficult to accept - there is already a TON of earth-shattering advice, knowledge, and perspective there, you just have to have the ears to hear it...or eyes in this case, I guess...you get what I mean.) The biggest mistake you can make is to - instead - listen to the voice in your own head right now and discount what you are being told.
Go back through your own two threads. Pull out the posts from sandi and 25, and read their posts over and over and over again until what they are saying is engraved in your brain.
Seriously.
Be prepared because this is a process. It takes time. It is best that your W does not know what is going on with your process. Yes you need to GAL, assess yourself and apply your 180's. Yes, you need to become a H only a fool would leave, but being a spouse only a fool would leave INCLUDES being someone with the giblets to upand leave/not condone when he or she is being mistreated because you are worth more than that.
This is not a game. You are not playing your W. You are not lying to her. She wants a divorce and you do not. Right now - while your world is spinning a bit - is the time to listen and apply, *especially to those two ladies. Kapeesh?
-PM
*not to discount what anyone else is saying, I can just vouch for those two, both from observation and from personal experience. Who else is posting? Bond? Yes, listen to him too.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Right now it appears that your W has full control and you are along for the ride. It is a good time to point out/remind you that it is neither healthy nor desirable to be in a relationship where you have given up complete control. It should also be pointed out that it is neither healthy nor desirable to be in a relationship where you HAVE complete control...that isn't how healthy, lasting relationships work.
I'm sure you would agree with that, but there also might be a little voice inside your head saying that this is a special circumstance, and is only temporary, and because it affects your entire family for the rest of your LIFE, it is a temporarily ALLOWABLE special circumstance. This is the voice you need to quiet down/ignore (if you can't shut it up yet).
Now, what you are being told to do - in different terms - is to take back some control. Bear in mind, this isn't a battle for control and shouldn't be seen as such, it's just that control is a natural commodity the WAS attempts to seize in order to keep as many options open as is possible. In short, they are in a state of disarray, have very little idea of what they want in the short or long term, and are aware that their feelings are unreliable. Thus, keeping options open until a later time when they expect to have a better idea of what they TRULY want makes sense to them. (It is also of note, but not exposition at this time, that there are points in time when the WAS' feelings are very strong, and he or she will attempt to move as quickly as possible in one direction or another while these feelings are strong because - again - he or she KNOWS that strong feeling won't last. But that is just something that may pop up - some seemingly odd behavior that is common and can be hurtful if unanticipated.)
You are being told to GAL, to assess your marriage and yourself, to own the problems you caused, to change the things about you that you don't like, and to keep the things about you that you DO like, to keep the road paved home smooth, to not have any expectations. You are being told to be a little mysterious, to be a little unavailable, to not be a doormat, to be a spouse only a fool would leave.
This is A LOT to think about and try to manage. BUT, this is all part of the process to becoming a stronger, healthier version of yourself - WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR SPOUSE. Yes, even if you reconcile with your spouse, going through this process will benefit the both of you, so buckle your seat belt and get ready to do the work. Because that's what DB'ing is about: work. Work and pain and patience and perseverance...and if you are willing to suffer through all of that for much longer than you can imagine, you may...MAY be successful at restoring your marriage. But you will have, at least, restored yourSELF in the process, and a healthy YOU is what's best...in or out of any relationship. The best version of YOU is going to be the most attractive, most successful, most loving father, most ideal person you can possibly become. That's who you want to be; all the rest will follow.
As you begin to work on you, to focus on you instead of your WAW, she will sense losing control of you and may very well do whatever is necessary to get it back. After all, she wants to keep her options open and you have a history of showing you are willing to wait it out. So she may cry to you, she may become very angry at you, she may react in a manner just to upset you/get back at you (e.g. seemingly move emotionally closer to OM), she may seemingly move emotionally closer to YOU...whatever it takes to keep you as an option. Again, these are likely just ploys to get that precious commodity of control back.
Enough ranting by me for now. Did you finish the book yet?
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
PM, thank you! But here is a good question. What do you do when she tries to get the control back? Let it just roll off your back.
Books DB, DR twice, Winning your wife back before it's to late, Married man sex life primer, and haven't finished Men are from Mars and Women from Venus.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
