Any chance anyone out there has any advice or tips re: the talk with my attorney about the deal H is potentially offering vs contesting/counseling? Thanks so much.
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
If you are hoping the contesting /counseling is going to make him change his mind forget about it. It will have just the opposite reaction and force him farther away. My lawyer tried to get my wife last year to go to a form of counseling and it just made things worse. I would go for the most you can get from the offer. Take care of your kids and yourself for now and put the marriage in a box for later. If he wakes up before or after the D it will be in his own time. Don't try and block the D, don't carry it or force it along,just don't stand in the way.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
If his offer is really a great deal as your attorney says, grab it NOW. There is only a narrow window in which they feel generous, they quickly get more cheap!
One caveat though in your case.... is it a good deal based on his reported income? Could he be making a lot .ore than he claims (in which case, would it still be a good deal?).
As for deliberately dragging out the divorce, I don't recommend it. Forced counseling doesn't work. The business financial part of the divorce is separate from the emotional part. You clonging to his pants leg will just make him want to run more. You .oving on without hi. MIGHT .ake him think "oh no, what have I done?"
If you are going through a D and not a dissolution, most states require full disclosure of financial information. Assets, liabilities, income and expenses. If he lies or omits he in in contempt. If you state is like that, can you see if your attorney can get his hands on that info?
If you know nothing about your finances, your H will know that you dont have a clue and he may use that. Sorry, I did not read back far enough to see if you addressed this.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Thanks everyone. Yes, the amount he is offering is generous based on what he would be forced to give me (us) but is still only barely enough to cover the bills we have (which are high by most standards, I admit, but also the life that HE chose much of, I stated I would be as happy with much less as long as we (our family) were together in a safe home). If his income is what he states (and yes, there will be full disclosure and looking at his accounts that I currently have no access to) he is actually giving me about 70% of of it. My attorney says we can base the support as what he is offering based on this income and if his income increases we can have it tied to that new amount (which I would imagine would go the other way too, but if he's making less he's gonna pay me less anyway, as he just won't have it so I'm not sure I can be concerned about that part).
I'm just really annoyed that he is saying our date of separation is 12/1/2012 (the day he went back east "for 30 says" to work) when we were clearly "all good" and ready to move back there as a family back in 5/2013 and still a couple (albeit with issues we were working on) until 8/2014. My attorney says the earliest it could really be is 5/2014. The only reason to say 12/2012 is to get to the 2 year separation mark sooner and let this be a unilateral divorce based on that. It's just not right and I'm not sure if I should force the issue, simply because it's right in the eyes of the truth of our relationship. I'm pretty convinced that he will take this all the way, even if I force him to wait the 2 years from 5/2014 and I certainly don't want to push him farther away, emotionally, or screw us financially.
The other thought I had is, if he is smart (apparently his lawyer didn't point this out), he could simply withdraw his petition from PA and refile in CA where it is no contest and no 2 year wait so, even if I forced the date of separation point, he could get around it if he really looked into it and thought of it anyway...
In light of all this, do you all think I should just let this run it's course the way he wants to do it and know the truth in my own mind? I'm so torn on doing what is right and what is smart...
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Take the money and RUN! That generous offer won't be on the table for long, I assure you (in fact, I only give it a 30% chance of him not backtracking on it) so the sooner you lock it in, the better.
Don't confuse fighting the divorce with fighting for your relationship. Seriously, he is MORE likely to come back if you DROP THE ROPE. The more you tug on the rope, the more he has to tug back and pull away. Once you drop the rope and APPEAR to be moving on, graciously, head held high, the more likely he'll start to question wth he's doing in the first place.
Get the best financial deal you can for you and your kids. Make that your number one priority. It doesn't mean your H can't change his mind or come back, but you have to keep the financials separate from the relationship stuff.
I have to agree here, My W swore that I would get the house as long as I let her have certain things. I gave her all that she wanted and now I got a "Final Decree" from her lawyer and guess what? She changed her mind! Now I find myself without any leverage and no way to hold her to her "word" (and an MLCers "word" isn't worth spit!). I know you want to save the M. I know exactly how you feel, like by holding him to the 2 years will give you a "chance" to work things out, etc. If your H was in his right mind that might be the case. He's not. He is deep into his crisis and that time will most likely only hurt you getting the best deal you can for yourself and family.
This is your decision and in the end you need to do what you feel is best. But from my own experience and those on these boards, take it while you can!
You've received sound advice. Ultimately, you need to protect yourself and family financially. Kml said it well when she said don't confuse fighting the divorce as fighting for your R. I know it sounds devoid of love, however D is a business transaction. Fighting the date of separation or haggling over dates does you no favors and won't make your h say," geez, I'm ready to work on his."
You have to do what you think is best. However, it looks like a nice offer.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Get a good solid budget together and see if the money will work for you. After that, then you can decide how you want to proceed with the time frame issue, the state of filing issue, and the "do i respond" issue. Good luck.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Thanks. I think I know I need to just go along with it, he "says" he would like to do even more. I think I just need to do my best to build my life around his offer and, really, even way less than that because there's no guarantee he will even pay, consistently, what he is offering.
Thanks, KML, you are right, I am still fighting for our R but I need to handle the D wisely in the meantime.
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
