Hang in there, essjay. My WW moved out as soon as things got physical between her and the OW, so I did not have to watch the transformation. It must be pure torture. I have spoken with a nationally recognized marriage counselor who is not to be named here, and he says he treats same-sex affairs the same as heterosexual affairs. He believes that men going through this should stay hopeful because lesbian relationships are fragile. He said that most men in our situation give up too early. He also told me that he has personally counseled many couples in our situation whose marriages were restored.
M 16 T 17 W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14 ILYBNIL 5/14 A discovered 6/14 D papers served via USPS 8/14 Filed my response 9/14 D final 5/15...
OW or OM...doesn't matter the gender...an affair is an affair. Period.
I really, really want to emphasize that it is not just a gay or lesbian thing. There are plenty of straight sites out there that actively encourage affairs and family break-ups because they feed into the negative mindset that the WAS are unhappy and can find "happiness" with someone else.
There is an actual site for OWs out there that really makes a DBer's stomach churn like there's no tomorrow. Those OWs post on the boards about their married men and swap techniques to draw their men away from their wives and families.
Sick stuff...really.
Yes...this is very, very hurtful. No two-ways about this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Let's put the focus back on you and the sitch.
Originally Posted By: Jay
Afraid that i let myself down sunday - i was doing so well out in the garden on my own. She came out to talk to me (again) and mentioned that she was going out a couple of nights this week and i made the mistake of just asking casually, before i had realised what i'd said, "oh ok where to"...as you would in a normal conversation - we'd been having some nice conversations recently; - but this of course is far from normal and i let my guard slip!
R talk ensued and I validated her as best i could - I said that " I see that now, I'm sorry if I hurt you and believe me I'd do things differently now".
Why would you apologize for hurting W? Did you hurt her in any way? This does not make it okay for her to seek out other people outside of the M.
You do need to put in boundaries. Your W should not be allowed to peruse these sites or text/phone them in front of you or around the house. It is for your own protection and the family's as well. It is frankly disrespectful to you and the marriage.
Originally Posted By: Jay
If as she says she's not interested in me or a relationship with me anymore why does she do this to me? Why press my buttons like that.
People who are in an A fog tend to want to have it both ways. Have their spouse "right there" while they go off and play around. She's not thinking clearly at all. It is not ABOUT YOU. She's not deliberately pushing your buttons...it is how you react to this latest development. You are hurt and rightfully so.
I would suggest that you inform W that you no longer desire or want to hear her stories about meeting those people or exploring with other women. Again, hurtful and disrespectful to you as her H.
If as she says she's not interested in me or a relationship with me anymore why does she do this to me? Why press my buttons like that.
Cause part of the script is to make it YOUR fault.
You may have always taken the blame for her choices in the past and why would she want to admit any fault at all.
If she can make all this YOUR fault it is much easier for her.
She is going to have to go all the way through this cheesless tunnel. There is no avoiding it. Let her GO. The only way is forward - there is no going backwards now.
I have never, ever physically hurt her, I've always been considerate. I've never had issues with alcohol or any other drugs, also never had an affair(s).
The issues she recently stated she had with me were; I have been selfish, lazy, didn't help around the house much or with the girls, frequently/always being tired, moody and depressing to live with. Never satisfied, always wanting more - nicer house, car etc. I always controlled her apparently and never felt listened to enough. Strange as i thought we always made joint decisions. I agree with some of that - I think that I may have had my own mini mlc!. However, it was not always like that, we have had fantasic times together - to say that it's always been like that is a complete rewrite of our history I know I'm trying to justify this but, in my job i worked twelve hour days, mon to fri. Evenings/Weekends i just wanted/needed to relax - watch sport on tv etc. She worked part time and got on with mowing the lawn, painting the fence or a room in the house etc. But also, at weekends i often cooked our family meals and cleaned the house etc I thought we made a really good team.
We're the complete opposite now; i'm the one working on the house, every weekend and some evenings - one of my 180's. She's not interested in the house at all.
Nothing seems to be working for me, feeling pretty hopeless..
Something has to happen for the dynamic to change here..I keep praying for an Act of God.
Jay
Ages: Me 58 Wife 50 Together: 27 years M25 D24 D21 Bomb Droppped 21 June 2014
The issues she recently stated she had with me were... I always controlled her apparently and never felt listened to enough. Strange as i thought we always made joint decisions.
Jay, I'm not the walk away in my M, but I can tell you I feel exactly like your W does here. If you ask my H, he says we made joint decisions. If you ask me, we discussed it a bit, then I caved to make him happy. Just saying you should consider this might have happened in your case, too.
I am new here but I am in similar type thing you are in. Our stories sound a lot a like. Only exception is my wife does not claim to be lesbian but the A she is having is with OW. Call it what you want it is what it is in my opinion. My wife's A is more of a emotional thing with one person and not women in general.
I want you to know I am pulling for you. I will be praying for you. I might get blasted for next comment but in all honesty we can do these 180s but it is going to take an Act of God changing hearts to open their eyes and see through the fog. My prayers are with you Jay and I am following your story and learning from what you do. I be praying for your daughters too.
M33/W34 Kids:8,6,4,1 Married:9 Together:16 BD:04/14 --OW Still living together
Hey buddy...you're with a group here who "gets it"...no need to explain or defend yourself. Honey...easy there. Ok?
Wonka,
I have never, ever physically hurt her, I've always been considerate. I've never had issues with alcohol or any other drugs, also never had an affair(s). It is pretty much the same with a lot of DBers here. The affair is NOT your fault. Remember that.
The issues she recently stated she had with me were; I have been selfish, lazy, didn't help around the house much or with the girls, frequently/always being tired, moody and depressing to live with. Never satisfied, always wanting more - nicer house, car etc. I always controlled her apparently and never felt listened to enough. Strange as i thought we always made joint decisions. Yeah, W is taking a peek at the dog-eared WAS script that was passed on to her by other WASes. Same speech, different sitch. Same ol, same ol. We've heard all this befreo...trying to demonize you to justify their A in their mind. What a crock!
I agree with some of that - I think that I may have had my own mini mlc!. However, it was not always like that, we have had fantasic times together - to say that it's always been like that is a complete rewrite of our history I know I'm trying to justify this but, in my job i worked twelve hour days, mon to fri. Evenings/Weekends i just wanted/needed to relax - watch sport on tv etc. She worked part time and got on with mowing the lawn, painting the fence or a room in the house etc. But also, at weekends i often cooked our family meals and cleaned the house etc I thought we made a really good team.
It is not YOU. Your W is on a journey separate from what you do. She needs to figure out her chit. It may take a while to come out to the other side. Use the gift of time to focus on you and how you can be a better man & father.
We're the complete opposite now; i'm the one working on the house, every weekend and some evenings - one of my 180's. She's not interested in the house at all.
Nothing seems to be working for me, feeling pretty hopeless..
I can see how you would feel such utter hopelessness in the face of this sitch. It is the early stages...and frankly there's not much one can do since the dopamine of the OW/OM is pretty strong. In time, it will wane. It is like a drug addict looking for the next "fix". Eventually it'll all come crashing down around their shoulders. Bide your time and focus on YOU. Because that's the only thing you can control, Jay.
Something has to happen for the dynamic to change here..I keep praying for an Act of God.
I like hearing this...keep it up. You're a good man.
