Sitting in Dubai International Airport en route to Tanzania. I never did tell H that I'm heading O/S.
I've been catching up on early labug posts while I wait to board. Really, really great reading over there. So much personal growth and soul work - I'm inspired. I'm also personally relieved to have found someone who was able to bring the R back from the dead despite having one of "those Hs" who just kinda disappeared after BD.
Hope everyone has a good week.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Well I made it back from Tanzania. A week in Maasai land certainly brings some perspective. Of course it all falls away when you are left only to your thoughts and mind-numbing movies on a 14hr return flight.
So, as expected, H is none the wiser that I've been away. No texts, vm or emails since I was gone. I did email him today as I found out I need to get his signature in order to terminate our lease. Yep - moving into my own digs on Sept 28. It's all becoming very real.
Right now I feel like I am only seeing the bad parts of my H (emotionally unavailable, avoider). They are pretty difficult qualities in a partnership. I think I used to tolerate those things as I was able to weigh them against the positives. It's getting hard to maintain that given the current circumstances…
Annoyingly, some of the work stuff that was stressing me out earlier in the year has reared it's head again. Early on in my thread I wrote about how one of our M issues is my relationship with my work (I brought work stress home and relied to much on H - not me - to manage it). I've been doing yoga and mindfulness meditation regularly to try to get myself to a calmer place but the recent resurfacing of the same old issues has made me realize I still need to do a lot more work. Or change workplace.
Must.not.make.any.drastic.decisions.
Last edited by ganb8te; 09/15/1402:26 PM.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
"Hi H, Hope you are doing well. I spoke with the real estate agent regarding terminating the lease. They require a signature from both of us to make the notice of termination effective. Please sign the attached letter and send back to me by Wednesday so that I can forward to XX. Fine for you to make changes. With thanks, G"
"Hi G, The signed ppwk is attached. Just let me know if when you would prefer me to collect the remainder of the items from the house. Kind Regards, H"
Thanks for that, H! On the one hand - great, I can can officially terminate our lease. On the other hand - these business exchanges are really not working for me!!! Makes me want to scream!
Questions:
1) One of the issues my H raised about our R was that there was "too much "admin", not enough fun". But, like, there are just some things we gotta do you know?! I'd love some feedback - could I have written my email differently to solicit a different response?
2) So how should I handle the move? He's taken 98% of his stuff. I'm bound to come across the other 2% when I pack up. As for the joint stuff, he isn't interested in any of it.
I just don't get it. My empathy tank is running low these days…
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Oh ganb8te! "kind regards"????? ugh. I would want to punch him in the face!
It's difficult at this point knowing how to be less business and more fun since things between you are so distant.
The only thing I can think of is to reply and say something like "you can collect your items when you like, perhaps we can have lunch/dinner/drinks and catch up sometime soon!"
I find when my H sends a super cold business-like text if I reply with a friendly tone and using some exclamations he sometimes starts being more lively. But I get where you are coming from, why should you be all "Hey! How are you? Yipee!" when he is cold or non-communicative? I just find being really friendly seems to thaw the ice sometimes. It usually goes against how I actually feel (full of sadness, hate, and despair haha) but it seems to work for me better than being cold.
G, I think your email was very detached -- which may have been why his response was so detached too. Like Lisa, I've found that my H tends to match my mood (although that is starting to change a little bit). It is scary to be the one to thaw the ice sometimes (due to fear of rejection on my part, I think), but if I do it without expectations then I find that I can handle whatever response I get.
I actually admire your restraint. I really don't know that I'd be able to resist a temp check at this point, however damaging that may be.
I second Lisa's suggestion that you invite him to drinks. It's been what, a month, since the last time? Just be prepared for him to say no thanks.
Ha! I've lost quite a few posts with the board maintenance. Probably a good thing as I had ventured down a negative path (if only real life events could be wiped away so smoothly so that I can start over on a more positive slate!)
Anyway, thanks to LisaB, NewLeaf and Dpthght for their replies (now lost). I've got some updates but will wait til the fixins been done on the boards.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Well I gave it a go. Tried to reach out with no expectations of course. My H is a better DBer than I will ever be:
G: Hey H. I'm planning on doing a bit of the B-C walk later today or tomorrow (near where H lives). Just wondering of you'd like to join or grab a drink at IB? Seems like a while since we caught up!
H: Thanks for the invite. I'm out of Town today and tomorrow is busy, but I know you are moving shortly. I'll be in touch early in the week to coordinate.
(Gah! He's sooooo busy GAL ever since we separated. And way to go on being mysterious ;-)
G: Ok, great. Have fun!
(I figured the only option was to show PMA).
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
So I learned today that my Dad sent H a text on R U OK day (Sept 11). Apparently the convo went something like this:
Dad: Hi H. Today is R U OK day so I am reaching out to see if U R OK. H: Thanks B. I'm OK. How are you, L and Ganb8te doing? Dad: We're sad and depressed by your absence lately.
Errr….on the positive side H didn't blow off my Dad?!
(I had nothing to do with this - I was knee deep in Tanzania without internet/mobile access when this happened but H does't know that).
Actually this has been a really tough aspect to deal with. My folks have been SUPER supportive but are really saddened by all this and don't understand why we're not talking about it. I do think their inquiry to H was genuine. I stopped short of sending then Sandi's rules…
Last edited by ganb8te; 09/23/1410:59 AM.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I'm sorry to hear your sitch, I know how hard this is for you. What you said about your peeps reaching out to your h made me remember what my well meaning family said to my first (not present ) h against my wishes. My grandma told my first h that there was an electric chair with his name on it, (he was physically abusing me), and that they had the means to see that it happened if he touched me again. Funny now, but at the time it caused problems.
Hang in there
M 2005 ~together 1997 Bd 2006 & 04/02/2014 1 dd 12 H~ 44 Me 48
