I was debating whether or not to tell her that I would rather not hear about other guys unless she simultaneously tells me that she has no interest and shot him down as soon as she could. yesterday she never actually told me she wasn't interested. My mind is now assuming she is scoping him out on facebook, if they're not already friends there now, and has him in the back of her mind as a fall-back plan. I have a million thoughts like that that I'd rather never have again, because it will take days for me to dig out of this.
I was proud of one text I sent her last night. In June I called a suspected OM and told him to lay off on the amount of texting. I made a joke last night about calling this guy, and she didn't laugh. She just said, "Leave it alone". I said, "Of course." She said, "Yeah right. That's not exactly a given..." To that, I said:
It's a little different now. Still sick to think of that (her with another man), but I can't and don't want to control you.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Are you anxious? I have found that breathing in for four seconds, holding it for four seconds and then releasing it for four seconds helps calm me down. I do this four or five times, and it seems to help. As for stress/depression, do you work out? Going to the gym works better for me than anti-depressants.
M 16 T 17 W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14 ILYBNIL 5/14 A discovered 6/14 D papers served via USPS 8/14 Filed my response 9/14 D final 5/15...
Card -- do not have these kinds of conversations with your W! It's better for you not to know. If she drops a hint about some guy, don't take the bait. (I understand how this particular situation might have been confusing since the guy is a counselor.) Address only questions from her relative to coparenting. Time for LRT and GAL big time! Detach, detach, detach. You are in love with the idea of who your wife used to be, not the person who is currently dragging you through emotional chaos. Don't get confused!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Also, don't check her facebook, don't tell her not to talk about other guys (just don't bring it up or follow up with her if she brings it up), definitely don't call the other guys. Focus only on yourself, not her. That is how you take care of yourself and give yourself the peace to sleep.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Thanks everyone. That is all stuff I have been doing. I've been on a regular weight lifting routine and have picked up trail running, as well as salsa lessons. It's all been fantastic. I am definitely not looking for these conversations. She told me about him out of the blue yesterday. My question remains - should I tell her that that's a boundary for me, that it really affects me to hear about other men? Or should I just acknowledge and drop it as soon as she brings it up? Again, I am slightly encouraged that she told me about it. I'm assuming if she really was interested in the guy, I would not know about him.
I don't want to set a boundary of coparenting-only conversations. As far as I know, she is not in a PA or EA, so I have no problem being a friend to her when she initiates a conversation or meeting. And that has happened a lot. I have done a really good job of not initiating contact. I'd say at least 90% of our convos are started by her now, and most of the ones I start are D2 or house related. Just this morning we chatted about her new group exercise class, and the conversation was initiated by her. I don't want to eliminate these conversations unless there is an EA or PA going on with OM. I'm trying to fill her EN's anytime she will allow it, but I'm not obsessing about doing that. Just trying to be opportunistic.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Are you anxious? I have found that breathing in for four seconds, holding it for four seconds and then releasing it for four seconds helps calm me down. I do this four or five times, and it seems to help. As for stress/depression, do you work out? Going to the gym works better for me than anti-depressants.
Thanks for the tips . Today, heck yes I'm anxious. I was miserably anxious in June/July, but had worked through most of it. Just a major setback last night. I'll need to practice breathing more often. I've done it in the past. And yes, I have been working out and will continue to do so. I agree about using exercise rather than meds. I was prescribed Zoloft or something in July. I took it once and never took it again. Kickball league tonight, and I'll probably do a trail run afterwards.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
You are in love with the idea of who your wife used to be, not the person who is currently dragging you through emotional chaos. Don't get confused!
I've really had to remind myself of this lately. She's always fought depression, but it's at a whole new level now, I think. And the woman who gave birth to our D 2 years ago would have never just walked away like this, without any effort to fix things, without a very, very serious reason to do so. I'm praying for her depression, offering any support she'll accept, but otherwise trying to detach from her sitch. I can't fix her depression.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Also, don't check her facebook, don't tell her not to talk about other guys (just don't bring it up or follow up with her if she brings it up), definitely don't call the other guys. Focus only on yourself, not her. That is how you take care of yourself and give yourself the peace to sleep.
Sorry, I didn't notice that you answered my question about telling her to not talk about other guys. Hopefully next time, if there is a next time, I'll be better prepared to dodge the emotional landmine.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I think I'm making it over the hump of this setback. I have typed out and deleted two texts and two e-mails spilling my guts about how I felt last night. Didn't send any of it. The last words I told her about that sitch were from last night: "I'm not bothered" (big fat lie, LOL!). I'll leave it at that, though.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Good for you! Just be careful not to mind read. You think that her telling you about other men means that she hasn't closed the door to you because she is communicating, but it could be that she is trying to prepare you for the fact that she is moving on, and placing you in the friend zone. The point is, there is no way of knowing what is behind her words and actions, so don't waste too much time trying to make sense of it.
I'm not trying to burst your bubble, just trying to manage your expectations (which we should be trying not to have, anyway).
I'm proud of you for not sending those texts. Keep reminding yourself of sandi's rules. They will be important tools for you during this time.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
. Today, heck yes I'm anxious. I was miserably anxious in June/July, but had worked through most of it. Just a major setback last night. I'll need to practice breathing more often. I've done it in the past. And yes, I have been working out and will continue to do so. I agree about using exercise rather than meds. I was prescribed Zoloft or something in July. I took it once and never took it again. Kickball league tonight, and I'll probably do a trail run afterwards.