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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2488062&page=1

Previous link above. Feels like I am writing a novel.

So S tells me this morning J asked him to be best man in his wedding to OW. I asked S how that made him feel, he said he didn't know. He doesn't like her but...I said it was up to him to discuss it with his dad. He said he wanted to talk to someone about it. I suggested he go to counseling, he wants to talk to someone at church.

I feel like I have been punched in the gut. Why? What does it matter? They are joined at the hip anyway. I guess it cheapens our marriage to know he is marrying her exactly six months after our divorce is final. I worry what that means for our kids? I have no doubt J is marrying her to get her inheritance. No question in my mind. There is just no karma harsh enough that I can wish upon them both.

So I am going out with the guy from match. I am emailing two others as well. It still doesnt feel right. I suppose the first step is the hardest.

WH


AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
J marries OW 1/24/15
"No matter where you go, there you are"
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Warning: Stream-of-Consciousness writing below:

I called my counselor for an emergency appointment. Of course he is out today so I will have to wait until he gets back tomorrow.

I am really reeling about this wedding thing. I don't know if I am reeling more because it hurts or because I am hurt by it? I keep creeping back to the thought that this is "it" for J and OW and they will live "happily ever after". I don't really believe in happily ever after but maybe I am the one with the problem? Does no one else see the madness in this?

And if there is madness so what? It isn't my madness...and deep down I know this has nothing to do with me. I don't believe J equates me and OW. We are nothing alike. Nothing. And I think he knows this. She is just means to an end, right? Then why the he!! do I care? Why does it matter? Why am I angry? Why do I seek revenge? And revenge will accomplish nothing. It will not affect them. It will only affect me.

J is cake-eating again. He wants something from both of us. He needs my help with the kids because he knows OW isn't exactly hands-on. He also needs my help paying for things for the kids because he is always hurting financially. I wish I had a crystal ball and could know for sure what would happen in the future. I see my kids hurting and it makes me angry.

One step forward and three steps back.

WH


AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
J marries OW 1/24/15
"No matter where you go, there you are"
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WH,

I am sorry that you're reeling at the moment. As with any negative emotion, this shall pass.

From what I've read around here and heard in IRL, a lot of the marriages where there was an A that preceded the wedding, they typically don't last because the shine has worn off and hard, cold reality has set in with the affair partners. Because they did not work on their respective issues before jumping into the next R or they're far too broken to sustain a strong loving and supportive R.

From what you write here, I'd be very surprised to hear that J and OW will go to the distance. If they do, it will be a miserable marriage all around.

Don't give them the head space rent free.

It is good to go back to IC and work through this issue to bring yourself some peace about the whole crazy situation.

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It's a good idea to go back and talk to the IC. Figure out why it is you do care.
Quote:
I am really reeling about this wedding thing. I don't know if I am reeling more because it hurts or because I am hurt by it? I keep creeping back to the thought that this is "it" for J and OW and they will live "happily ever after". I don't really believe in happily ever after but maybe I am the one with the problem? Does no one else see the madness in this?
Really? You aren't surprised she is SOOOO different right? She's needy, demanding, mean to the kids, unhappy, etc right? All those things must be opposite of you. How do I know? Because he was looking for opposite to you.

I remember when I found out about my ex getting remarried right after the divorce was final. It hurt. Why? Because of the lies etc. She was dating him while telling me she was working on the relationship. Then the pictures of my kids with their mom at her wedding a few months after the divorce.

It stung at first.

But looking back, that was a good thing for me. It was a point of a) no return at all. Game ender for me without question and b) because I noticed the sickness of what she'd done for the first time. It gets worse in her case, but....

The important thing is that you realize he's not well. You are the prize. You are the mark he is navigating by. It's just that he isn't well and is running from the good stuff. Kind of like a punishment of sorts, but it has nothing to do with you. More like he feels you are too good for him and he "needs" the opposite.

I would also be very surprised if he ends up happy and content. Floored actually. He'll say he is, but it's not real. He's too busy running from whatever he's running from to be content and happy.

Don't worry that it hurts, WH. Don't worry that you think it shouldn't. You had a long marriage with him - of course it would hurt.

Just don't let it hurt for a long time. I doubt it will.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Thank you Wonka and AJ.

I wish it didn't make me so upset. I don't know if it's sadness or anger at this point. I'm kind of flucuating between those two emotions. I guess it is part of the process.

Why marriage? Why does he feel the need to marry this woman? I fear once the deed is done she will try to take over my kids' lives. Maybe not. She isn't heavily invested in her own kids so maybe she won't be super involved with mine. Maybe she is not the type to do a lot of heavy lifting in relationships and will do even less once she knows she "owns" him.

It should not be my concern. What he does is none of my business. I have no doubt this will be more of a marriage of convenience for both of them. They both love to put on a good show. But I'm not buying the act. It's all about smoke and mirrors.

And I'll be honest, I'm getting dam tired of being the better person in this situation. Part of me wants to go all Carrie Underwood on his @$$ but the calm and rational part of me knows better. But I think some Louisville Slugger therapy would feel dam good. Even if it is three years too late.

A lot of frustration and pent up anger is inside me. I think maybe some good physical activity would help. I have always wanted to throw china plates at a brick wall or something of the sort. Yes slight anger issues, but I think it would be a great release for me. Maybe it's just what I need.

Maybe a letter that I never send, only burn. Maybe I need a ritual where I can "bury" the past and then after that, no more. My mom told me I need to move on because she thinks J is under the impression that I am just waiting in the wings for him to come back. She told me to let him know you're done and not waiting for him. You're living your life finally and he's not controlling you. She's right.

I know the kids need their dad but he's such a loon. I wish I could scoop them up away from crazy town. But maybe there's a lesson to be learned for them.

And AJ it's good to know I'm not the only one whose ex made an immediate beeline for the alter shortly after the D was final. I think it's sick. Disturbed. What does that really say about a person?

I'm healing. Just takes some baby steps is all.

WH


AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
J marries OW 1/24/15
"No matter where you go, there you are"
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WH,

Great advice from Wonka and AJ. I love reading your posts-they as so very honest. I have to toss this out.......do you really think J and OW are going to live * happily ever after*? The sad fact is that a) J can't be alone and b) he is the living example of "wherever you go there you are" which leads me to c) why he can't be alone because he would be stuck with himself.

I know you wish you could swoop your kids from the insanity. However , you sound like a great mom and are doing a nice job parenting with J.

Hang in there! Good things are coming your way:-)

Last edited by Georgiabelle; 09/16/14 12:45 PM.


3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Thanks, GB..

I don't believe in happily ever after, really. You make your own happily ever after.

I have been thinking a lot about my marriage to J and I realized it was never really a marriage. I did all the work and he would show up to take credit and he would only show up if I told him when and where. He always had to ask me how he should dress for the occasion and would often want us to match!!! YIKES!!!

He will be no different with OW. She is large and in charge and right now she likes it, but I gather OW is not the type who likes to take charge for long. Her ambition is spotty. And if she isn't overly involved with my kids now, I doubt she will be after the marriage.

Let's see, if J marries OW he gets to claim one of our kids (two every other year), the house, her kid (if they file jointly), her house (if she hasn't sold it yet), and whatever else he can find as deductions. I wouldn't be surprised if J took in her father as another dependent. Then he can have access to his money as well. Only thing is J CANNOT file head of household. I have that privilege. But he will have a crapload of dependents on his return. But I am not sure how that will offset the cost of everything for him. Not my problem, I know, but I like to analyze things. It's a fault of mine.

I have started coming to terms with things. I know J is not trying to find someone more beautiful, because OW is NOT. He is not trying to find a better "homemaker" because again OW is NOT. He is not trying to replace me as a mother, because OW is NOT a better mom than I am. The only thing she has is that she is more clueless and she has different money avenues. And if OW is smart enough to realize why J is with her (which I doubt that she is) then she surely doesn't care because she thinks she is going to be living the high life with J. She is wrong. J will NEVER EVER be financially stable. It's about living within your means, not continually looking for another revenue stream. That is how I know J will never be successful.

It's been almost three years. THREE YEARS!!!! D was so little when J started this crap. I could just strangle him for what he has put the kids through. But I need to move on. I do. The thought of J is just making me sick. Physically ill. I made an appointment to see my regular doctor tomorrow too to go over my anxiety issues. I do need to stay healthy to keep on top of things.

I am meeting the guy from Match on Friday. He SEEMS normal. He is a single dad who has five kids, two live at home. He's a grandfather, which kind of weirds me out, but I am over 40, and I need to get over it (his oldest daughter is 25). He likes dogs and has always wanted a husky (me too) and is planning on getting one next year. He can't be all bad if he likes huskys. LOL!

It's outside of the comfort zone, but as long as we meet in a public place where they can hear my screams I should be okay. No first dates on a midnight boat ride on Lake Michigan. : )

WH


AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
J marries OW 1/24/15
"No matter where you go, there you are"
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And the best part is that he ins't a creepy Santa Claus wanting to tongue you, WH! Enjoy this moment for what it is...a small opening in the dating world.

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Thanks Wonka.

I am really nervous. I haven't been on a date since 1998 when I met J. That's a long time. I kind of feel sick to my stomach. Omg WTH do we talk about???

I made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow. I need to refill my Rx and I should probably get another physical. Make sure everything is kosher.

I'm still reeling and angry a bit. It's fading, but it's getting better.

WH


AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
J marries OW 1/24/15
"No matter where you go, there you are"
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Have fun! I had a husky for 12 years. He was a rescue and a fantastic boy:-)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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