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Links to previous threads:

First post: DENIAL was my HAPPY PLACE!!!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...100#Post2473100

For better or for worse, for richer or for PORES?
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...846#Post2475846

Carry on, My Wayward Son (of a Beeeeaaaaach!!!)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2480267#Post2480267

Well, enough about me, what do YOU think of me???
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483967#Post2483967

PERSEVERANCE is Stubbornness....with a Purpose.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2487201#Post2487201

_________________________
M44, H44, both M before
M4 yrs, T6
BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me
H att suicide 2/14
S 4/14
OW disc 5/14
No D filed

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I'm gonna get there. I'm so close, I can SMELL IT!!!! Bring on the bacon, baby.

H is all moved into his apartment. House closing is on Friday now.
That's all I have to say about thaaayyattt. <<< (Forrest Gump voice).

I had a few good cries today. None of them were about H. Hmmmmm. But I released some other chit and now I'm feeling kinda silly. I apologize in advance. And yep, I'm this weird without any alcohol or any other influence of any kind. Sadly. (Ok, Sprite Zero.)

I spent a big chunk of today on me. Did some reading, and some digging. Ok, don't be shocked anyone....but.... It turns out I have some issues. I know, I know..... I hide them well. AND.....lemme just say, this isn't fun. Not even a little. I made some columns on paper, and wrote words and stuff.

So, I have always made this joke that I'm really just a nerd in a cheerleader costume. It describes me quite accurately. Another "costume" I can wear is confidence. I could usually hide behind my work, or a rockin' cute outfit, some sassy shoes and a big smile.... But inside? Yyyeeeaaahhhh....... I'm pretty hard on myself.

I can't believe no one here picked up on that.....sheesh. (That observation may be in a previous thread, or four....)

uR, I can imagine the face you just made... shocked

Well, I think I lost that costume. I left it at the last performance or something. I am rarely confident anymore, and it scares me because I can't find it when I need it now. Like at the concession booth the other night... It was an out-of-body feeling. I just stood there, as if I didn't know how to put nacho chips in a tray. Too shy to step in. I seriously needed an invitation to the stainless steel counter. Who was I? No one I recognize. But I paid attention to the feeling, and the words I was telling myself....ooooh.

I have not been gentle with myself over the years, it turns out. So, now I go into this needy little girl thing....not loud-needy but internally needy, still....ew. And then, to top it off, I can beat myself up about being insecure. Oh, yes, depending on the environment, I can shift my little transactional-analysis self as needed..... But lately, it seems most of my "adult" ego is being stifled by the critical parent, and now my adapted child has taken over everyone else. (Except tonight, I'm all free child grin )

So, I decided to write down those feeling from the other night, and the words I told myself. I have a self esteem book, and the end of each chapter has an exercise thingy to try. I thought, how bad can this be? So I made 4 columns, and labeled them at the top,
1. Positive. 2. Negative. 3. Feelings. 4. Person.

Then I had to list 5-10 experiences growing up, fill in the appropriate columns, and read it. I looked for patterns, possible ways I see myself, yada, yada...all kinds of stuff...too much to list here, but I'm sure you get my drift. Doesn't seem like it would be hard, does it?

Well, let me tell you. Looking at that paper, thinking back, connecting some things... I got up and left the table a time or two, and RAN away from that list. Like a little kid, lol....
It was as if the paper I wrote on was judging me. <<<< that's me being an uncomfortable lunatic. crazy

I don't have any idea whether this will have anything to do with my M with H. I'm starting to see where it doesn't matter. Going forward, for me, I'm using this so-called "GIFT OF TIME" to the best I can.

Cuz I ain't doing this again.

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Quote:
It was as if the paper I wrote on was judging me.


Get comfy with that paper... wink

So now you get to ask "Is "X" valid?" "Why?"

"How did this get here?"

"Does it serve me now in any area of my life? Why and why not?"

"Do I want to change this? Why? Why not?"

"Can I change this? Why and why not?"

"How does changing this look? How does it feel?"

"Will I love myself better, be a better person, a better parent, perhaps be more free, light and happier, if I change this?"

"How do I change this? When?"

Tough and brutal as this process is, it is absolutely amazing.

After I got through some of the more awful ones, I started to get really excited...

"I" was taking action, moving... my sitch wasn't, but "I" was!

Keep going!! You are doing great!!

smile


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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Thank you, T. I'm slowly starting to understand.

I had only explored a fraction of the questions you had listed. (Of course thinking I had dug soooo deeeeep already....haha). As I read them, my head was thinking, "Oohhh!" "Yeah, that, too! Oh!! " "Wwwwooooooaaahhhhhh.....!" And then there were a few pouting resistance fits with a few others. This really is difficult. I know you know..... I thought I knew....but I'm just tapping into the topsoil and it's scary.


I'm gonna need a bigger shovel. wink

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"How did this get here?"

and "How do I change this? When?"

Were my favorite questions smile


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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Ok, T, so, the "When?" part.... Please help me understand?

Is it referring to, for example, when to decide to change? Or when to take action? Or is it more of a scheduling it into your day thing....

You know, when I clean my closet, I remove it all until my closet is empty. Then I lay everything out all over the floor, and sort it. There are easy to throw away things. There are maybes. Then the keep pile. I go through that, and decide what I really need, and what I maybe don't need, but it has meaning and isn't taking more space than it's worth. Then, I neatly put the important stuff back in... That what this process feels like.

Usually I have a box of a few "undecided leftovers" that keep getting put back in the closet in a pile I never sort, and never use.

Also, my clean closet only lasts a few months, and I gotta do it all again.... Hmmm.

What does that tell ya.... Lol.

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It's kinda both...

I would say to myself, "I want to change "X", but right now I have too much going on with life and and I am focusing on working on "Q", "R", and "V" atm, those are my immediate priorities, so I will look at "X" in 3 months. Because then I will have time to do this, this and that to make it happen"

Sometimes life will determine the "when"...I wanted to backpack more, but it was winter, I had to wait until summer. Or a work project was consuming too much mental space, but it was ending in 3 weeks, then I would have bandwidth to work on "X".

Kinda make sense? Hope I am... smile


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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Aaahhhh.... Yep, that makes perfect sense now. Thank you...

It's a way to triage, be accountable, and stay on track. Especially if it's on a calendar, it falls into the "Smart" goal structure, and not so easy to sweep under the rug and avoid.

I'm pretty sure my broom is bigger than my shovel.

That was really helpful....this is kind of exciting. It will be, anyway.

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Shining, I swear, you and I would have a ball hanging out.

And yea, about the face I made.....LOL!

This crap isnt for the faint of heart. Thats for sure. But, I see you, S. You aint really chicken. wink

I do see you trying to figure it all out. Like you are trying to get it all on the table and sorted and fixed and done.

Yea, dont do that anymore. smile It's crazy making.

So, you are seeing some stuff about yourself in regard to your self confidence and how you put yourself out there to the world of late.

For me, the confidence thing was a huge one. That and the not feeling worthy.

So, pick a couple that really are affecting you. We can pick those apart some til you are ready to move on.

You will see eventually that most of it is all tied together.

I am getting excited for you, sweetie. It will be hard....but you are made of tough stuff. You forgot that for a little bit.

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I agree, we'd definitely have fun hanging out, uR.

I don't even know what your face looks like, but I had a clear image of that moment:)

Soooo.... Trying to get it sorted and fixed and done.<<<<<< that would be me getting ahead of myself again, not having patience, and wanting to sprint, because I think the pain will be gone quicker. I'm sure you were wondering....lol.

>sigh< Since the whole closet at once isn't going to work, I'll throw out my top 2... As I see them today:

1. Boundaries- to me this is tied in with my low self-esteem and self worth, idk tho
2. Acceptance- because I avoid and deny, and fear

Not sure if I had the fear/acceptance one reversed.... I'm still wondering how that works, but I think they often accompany each other....like the chicken and the egg, not sure which came first. Oops.... No. I'm not back spacing and editing because I want you to know I just realized it was fear first. As I typed this.

Those are 2 of my biggies.

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