Wife Is Continuing Affair-When Do I Start LRT?-V

[Devaste]

Peter,

Thanks for your words. I do believe in energy fields. Like that idea and selection. Seems like a great GAL activity.

I'm in a bit of a quandary. School has started. And my W is taking the kids according to the schedule that we are alternating on. However, on the days she has the kids, she expects the nanny to come to her residence, pick up the kids and take them to school or my house.

I currently pay for the nanny. I like the idea of best interest for my kids, and I don't have a problem if this system is done, but the extra costs involved now I feel should be borne by both of us. She feels that she makes less and should have use of the nanny when needed. Huh?

Part of me wants to say, sorry, you made the decision, now you need to deal with it. Of course this isn't helpful at all. I also don't want my kids to suffer. But I feel she needs to deal with this. Another option is for her to get a place to live closer to where we live. Of course she didn't consult me when she rented her place, nor should she have. I know I am a bit bitter, but just not sure if I should be making a stand on this issue.

There has been no indication of any interest at all in a R with me. From what I can tell, the OM seems to have died off, but really that's irrelevant. I do know there is still communication between them. I walk the fine line of being totally dark, which prevents me from interaction, but I understand it's required at this point.

I'd welcome any thoughts on the nanny issue. Thanks.

Dev

[mdu]

How about splitting nanny fees proportional to ur incomes? That's how child care costs are split here. According to my lawyer in my case H would have to pay 60% & I'd be required to pay 40%

[Devaste]

Hey mdu,

That's what I would like to do and think is fair, but she wants no part of it. Doesn't feel she should pay anything. I imagine my split would be something along the same lines. I'll see what happens. I fear the worst. But that's fear. Reality may be better. Who knows. Thanks for stopping in.

Cheers

Dev

[PeterV2]

I understand you don't want the kids caught in the crossfire. I acted with that in mind when I went through my divorce with my first wife. I suffered for it financially, but the kids turned out ok 11 years later.

I agree that the most fair thing is what mdu suggested, but your W may not have any understanding of what's fair. You could tell her that you can no longer afford the nanny and say you're working on trying to find alternatives. Then see if she suggests pitching in. If it's her suggestion then at least she won't be fighting it out of spite.

[Wonka]

Hey Dev,

What's happenin' with you and your sitch? Please do drop a line when you can....this Jane is missing her Tarzan!

[Devaste]

Alrighty,

Looks like a bit of an update is in order. So the last few weeks seemed to have been ok, except for a few comments I made, which caused a lot of ripples. I'm not sure if I am making the stitch worse or not? Last week, my W came to the house and took some food that I had bought. I was at work. I had dragged all the kids to the grocery store, and it was an ordeal, so I was frustrated that she didn't go and get it herself in her own time. However, I rephrased my frustration, and suggested that if she could let me know if she was taking food that would be great, just so I didn't run out.

There was a big text barrage about me being controlling and demeaning, and then it settled down. No real problems. She hasn't been feeling well, and I offered to help out with running the kids somewhere, which she appreciated but declined. She also told me she is on the verge of a stress leave from her work and she cannot handle her life etc.

I then today, received a text asking if she could take some things. I had again spent the last three days shopping to fill the list the nanny had given. I responded sure, and maybe the next time she could fill the list. Was this bad?

The barrage that followed was intense and sad. And it included a picture of her crying in the car. I was again accused of being demeaning and degrading and not recognizing all the times she has done things for the house. She then said she wishes to have NC, which is what we have been doing really anyways.

She told me that she had been in a meeting to appeal for financial aid. She still has full access to bank accounts etc, but I think she is truly seeking some financial autonomy. She reiterated her desire to seperate and have financial autonomy. The reality is of course I don't think she will be able to do it. But that's not my issue.

My concern is obviously for her, and also if I have I critically erred? In reality to me, her taking food to feed the kids when she has them is completely fine with me. I am feeling a bit used that she doesn't utilize her own time to get the food. Instead, relying on me to pick it up all the time. And at the same time, my heart goes out to her when I see how she is struggling. But I can't rescue her. I feel like I've lost my way a bit, and need to refocus. I didn't get upset after this outburst today, or argue her feelings.

I told her it made me sad to see her in this state, I told her it must have been emotionally difficult to be appealing for money and asking for support. And most importantly I told her that I truly want her to be happy, and I hope that she finds happiness on her journey. This is how I truly feel. I did apologize and say my comment was not meant to degrade her in any way.

We have a mediation meeting on Friday. I'm not sure how it will go, and I'm nervous. I'm feeling a bit like I need to change tact. I'm not sure if what I'm doing is working. I'm guessing that the reality of her situation is starting to sink in. But truly I don't know what's going on anymore.

Any suggestions or 2x4s, perhaps starting with why would you make a big deal about taking food for your kids? Ugh, I screwed up on that one I feel.

Cheers,

Dev

[PeterV2]

Hey Dev. Looks like we're both on a bit of a plateau. Just waiting for the status quo to change, hopefully for the better, but seemingly unable to influence the course.
I think you handled the food taking incident with tact. No 2x4 required.
I often think that it would be good to say to her, hey, there's a way out of your mess and it's call reconciliation with your husband. But I think that would be perceived as being demanding, pursuing, controlling, manipulative, selfish, etc., etc...
So just staying the course with minimal contact may be the only way.
Maybe just a card saying the door's open. But she probably already knows that. She just doesn't want to walk through that door just yet.
I don't know. I feel stumped in my sitch.
Keep up the PMA.

[Train]

Dev,

Unless you're asking if you could have been *stronger* (instead of nicer), I don't understand why you feel you were wrong here. I know what it's like to have to wrangle multiple kids in a grocery store. I go once a week and buy everything I need for all our meals that week (plus snacks, etc.) for the kids. If someone came in and took any of that, I'd cut 'em. (Just kidding. I wouldn't really cut anybody. But I'd be tempted!! )

Your W's financial issues are a natural consequence of her actions and her decision to leave her M, right?

Why go out of your way to protect her from that?

Also, I'm not asking you to mind-read here, but your W took a picture of herself crying and sent it to you while she was lashing out at you in texts? It's been a while since I've read through your threads, but is she typically that manipulative? Are you afraid of hurting her feelings or "causing" her to become angry?

What's goin' on in that noodle of yours, buddy? Talk to me.

[twinmom]

I think you were too nice. It seems to me your wife likes to play the victim.

[Devaste]

Thanks everyone for the comments

Peter: Glad to hear you agree with me, I was looking for some feedback on that. I don't think I will send a card though. Couldn't agree more that reconciliation would solve lots of these issues, but I want that to happen as a result of her wanting it and myself wanting it. Not for financial reasons etc. She does know where I stand. I think sending a card would be pursuing too much, as you noted. On a side note, I was reading your update, and seems to me you are very patient. Your still sticking it out. I think most of us here would agree. Keep your head up

Train: So glad someone else understands my frustration! Yes, taking the food is really all about the difficulty and time involved in getting it. Typically my W is very manipulative, she cries when she doesn't get what she wants, and is quick to jump to "you demean me and control me etc". Totally agree, it's a consequence of her actions. I do not need to protect her from those consequences. Where I was worried I may have erred was in making a big deal about something that is minimal overall. Big picture, would I rather have my kids eating food, yes. Big picture would I rather be in a great R with my wife, yes. That's where I was worried I was messing things up. I realize that I need to maintain and keep my boundaries, for me. If she goes on stress leave, so be it.

Twinmom: Thanks for the reminder. I wondered that myself. I need to stop being a rescuer. It's an old habit that likes to rear it's head, often. I agree with you, I was too nice. And my W is an expert victim player. Learned habit passed through generations, hopefully stilling with my kids.

Thanks everyone, Friday will be interesting.

Dev