Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 13 1 2 3 12 13
#2488522 09/15/14 03:10 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
M
Mighty Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2478986#Post2478986

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2472154#Post2472154

I am so feeling it is time for a change... glad it is new thread time!

Oldies above.

I am glad it is Sunday night. It was quite a week. Here is a brief rundown..

Bad news at work
Dr office called and needs further testing this week
Emergency meeting at S17 school w/ xh
Spoke to XH for first time in 2.25 months- I purged MANY truth darts
Had to see xh all weekend at sporting events
Got into gesture fight w/ xh where he rubbed in having a baby
s did not respond to xh for many days- gave silent treatment since meeting at school ~4days
I was told xh is really torn up about r with kids
xh confided in someone (who told me) xh said he thinks he has hit rock bottom

Things aren't all bad. It was just an eventful week. I would like to add that work is really stressful, and although things are coming back very badly from last year, things for this year are looking much better. I am finding so much enjoyment at work this time around. It was impossible for me last year. I couldn't eat, sleep, focus, feel anything...

S17 seems to be gradually getting better. It is his senior year and I will do whatever I can to ensure it is great for him.
He has taken everything very hard. It stressed him out and his grades dropped tremendously. This has adverse affects, since he became even more stressed because it was the time he was to start looking at colleges. He was an honor student and has wanted to go to MIT since 5th grade for engineering (he read about it then in a TIME magazine). Now, his interests have diminished, etc. It has been a tough road. But he is strong, smart, open-minded, funny, and a great kid. I know he will be fine.

D13 has shown no signs of wavering. She has been steadfast... It is like she hasn't even hit a bump. I am not sure what to make of it at this point. Her grades are amazing and is an honor student. She is a tremendous athlete and the youngest on all of her teams, but starts and gets tons of playing time. She has a very busy social life. She is loved by everyone. Seriously... adults and kids. Teachers love her, parents love her, but not in a brown-nose way. All the kids love her too! She is hilarious and so sweet. As far a xh, she is disgusted by him. She really does not want to be around him, but she is never mean to him. She would feel too bad. I don't know if I should be worried about her- she just seems so put together. The irony...

I am getting better. For the most part. I am making plans, moving along, becoming more independent. Many things bother me less. I am used to being on my own. However, many of the real betrayal issues are starting to come up. The are listed mainly towards the end of my last thread. I hope to leave the majority of it there. I know I still have a lot to work through, but after this weekend, I don't want to "react" like that again. I can't believe I totally lost it at d's game like that. I just look like a jerk. But, I can't help but think that it bothered xh too. I don't think he wants to hurt me like that. That is his nature to go for the jugular when he feels attacked. I am NOt by any means making excuses, I just know him (or at least I used to).

All winter when he would go into monster, he would call the next day and apologize. It's so weird. Everything I look back on now, I know hww was in the background. It makes me sick, but quite frankly, there is nothing I can do about it.

I know she and her mom are symptoms (thank you, AJ!), but I still cant help but feel such disgust for them. She was well aware of me and my kids. Yes, I know xh is 100% responsible fore his actions, but so is she. I guess I expect more from mothers? She has a kid. I am certain she would not allow her kid(s) to be treated the way mine have. If she really cared about him, than how can she disrespect his family the way she did. And, how could he allow someone to disrespect his family like that? How could he put someone before his family? I just don't get it. I never will. I have got to stop spinning around that. I could go on and on about that. In my mind, I do. It is not healthy; it will not change. I have to get past it. I am not quite sure how to yet.

So I am planning some things. I am doing things differently. I am enjoying things the best I can. I just want to mix it up. I know I am not always up for it, but I try to seize the moment.

My future is a big question mark. That is scary but exciting. I am not sure what to make of it. I feel like sometimes I am waiting for something to happen. WAIT!!!! It seems like there is ALWAYS something happening.... let me clarify. I feel like I am waiting for a change, waiting for direction, waiting for a sign, or something. They are probably all around me. I know I need to take charge and not wait. But I am working on that.

I read a post by uR earlier. It was about mirrors all around. That really hit me. I am having a lot of difficulty with this. I hear the words xh left in my head. "I can do much better. Trrrruuuussssttttt mmmmmmeeeeeeee. MMMMuuuuuuccccchhhh bbbbeeettttttttteeerrrrrrrr." That was about a year ago. Well, now I know who he thinks is much better. I don't thinks so, but it was always HIS opinion that mattered most to me. He left me with "I don't love you." And that I wasn't worthy of any effort. Then he gave it to someone else. A young someone else. I got a text message saying he was pursuing divorce. There was no closure, I was just replaced. I was nuked by phone. It was a 2 minute conversation and our 19 year r was over.

I will be OK. I will not be bitter; its not in my nature. But I have a lot to work through. I don't know how, really. But I will keep trying. I am on my own journey. I am on my own path. I have my eyes wide open. Not just for me, but for my kids too. And honestly, I am well aware that xh and I are on totally different paths, but that does not keep me from keeping an eye out for him. I wonder about him; I really do.

What "rock bottom" means for him, well, only time will tell. What my question mark means for me? Well, time will tell for that too. In the mean time, my eyes are open.

Mighty #2488534 09/15/14 03:55 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
MIGHTY!!!!! Ok, I had scanned your recent posts thru yesterday, but I read them again today to read what I missed....and seriously... THE GAME THING.... I can completely understand why you reacted the way you did. And you ended the sign-language and kept it from escalating. Girly, you are stronger than you even know. If it was me, I might be in prison now.... Time is going to have a way of sorting this out. And you are going upward and onward. I know we're not supposed to care and focus on the WAS, but, I would put money down that in time, you will never again feel he "won" anything. Certainly not an in-your-face gesture battle. It's clear to me, no matter what he tries to throw at you, he is the loser. He knows he can't put toothpaste back in the tube, and he's so stuck with his mess. Leave it to him to sit in, and smile knowing you're worth so much more than anything he can give you right now.

It's easy for me, and many here, to beat ourselves up for setbacks, or times we acted out. But, do you ever think about how much you have done well? I mean, M.... I don't know how you do it. You are doing the best you can to keep going. And your best is far and above. It's extraordinary. My gut tells me there is something incredible coming your way in the future.

What plans do you have for yourself and more GAL?? I could use some ideas smile. I'm goal setting. Because goals are less destructive to set than fires. smirk

Shining #2488535 09/15/14 04:05 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
M
Mighty Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
Shining, YOU are extraordinary. Seriously, I doubt, doubt, doubt myself soooo much. Your post to me made me feel really good. That was really nice, and I really appreciate it.

I will think about GAL. I have some plans in the works, and others that have been great! I will try to make a list for you... something totally legit that you may be interested in. Hmmm... lemme think on that, when I'm not so darn tired! It totally drives me crazy that I have such a hard time getting up during the week, and then on the weekends I am wide awake sooo darn early, earlier than weekdays. What gives?

The prision thing... believe me... I have really had to keep it together. I've had moments...

Thanks, Shining. I totally get your name now....

Mighty #2488537 09/15/14 04:17 AM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Mighty, I can see myself in your reaction at your D’s game. I can almost feel the rage and frustration and anger. Yes, you need to take this under control and not react like this again. It will just feel much different. I’m sure you will get there. You just needed to let it out.

I’m not surprised about him saying that hit the rock bottom. He lost the respect of his kids, he lost the life he had, he is starting a new life with someone who he barely knows. I’m saying that because he will realize one day she is not a good person. She is a predator. She is someone who thinks that is better than his wife and why he chose her. I never believe in a relationship that is built on lies and betrayal. I want to quote another phase from a relationship article (or book): “if you want to marry someone who honors the commitment of marriage, why would you date someone who is married? What does that say about your own commitment to marriage?”

Here is another quote: “Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.”

I also can never get it when a woman gets involved with a married man and causes all the stress and devastation on his family.

Interesting, my son also wanted to go to MIT when he was in a middle school. Then gradually through the high school this goal had diminished. He ended up getting in trouble during the last year of high school and didn't go to the university. He went to community college for a few years, while also working full time. He is very talented. He can set up an office network and troubleshoot the computer problems, and he can also build a cabinet, a desk, or entertainment center. And he can hook up the ceiling fan and replace the sprinklers. Tonight he replaced an old door bell that was broken in my house. He just transferred to the university and started the semester. Hopefully he will graduate in a couple of years with the Bachelors.

17 is the age for the boys when they are adventurous and rebellious. Your son will turn fine, just give him some time. I’m sure you will be very proud of him.

Your daughter seems to be a very smart kid. She will definitely “kill” her father with kindness, LOL. I’m not surprised he is worried about the relationships with his kids. He should be. He is doing the wrong thing thinking that everybody will just go along with it. He is very wrong.

Hang in there, Mighty. One step at a time.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 7
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 7
Hey Mighty. Thought I would stop by to say hello.

Wow, you let go, didnt you? LOL! It happens. The great thing is that everyday is a new one.

But now you said it, he heard it, no need to go there again, right?

So, about her...she isnt worth your headspace. She doesnt matter. Not in any real sense. She is with a married man with kids and pregnant. She cant shine your shoes. End of story.

About the mirrors I always write about....of course it mattered what your h thought. The thing of it is, was what he thought correct?

You were a good wife. You loved him. Were there things you could have done better? Probably. Did you do anything with the intent to hurt your marriage? No, Im sure you didnt.

He is in crisis. Now that doesnt give him a free pass. But it may help you to understand his mindset.

He is in pain. I know, I know, it doesnt seem like it. But he is. He feels like he is swimming in mud. Trying whatever he can to feel better. It is a house of cards, though. Build on lies and deceit...not the foundation for a lasting relationship.

So, knowing that he is a mess...he is not a valid mirror. He doesnt love himself. He certainly isnt capable of being able to judge you or anyone else.

But look what your children are reflecting back to you, and your family and friends and the people you work with...

Dont allow this man, who is broken, and that woman without worth define who you are and your worth.

You are mighty....dont ever forget it. smile

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
A
AJM Offline
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
Quote:
"I can do much better. Trrrruuuussssttttt mmmmmmeeeeeeee. MMMMuuuuuuccccchhhh bbbbeeettttttttteeerrrrrrrr." That was about a year ago. Well, now I know who he thinks is much better. I don't thinks so, but it was always HIS opinion that mattered most to me. He left me with "I don't love you." And that I wasn't worthy of any effort. Then he gave it to someone else. A young someone else. I got a text message saying he was pursuing divorce. There was no closure, I was just replaced. I was nuked by phone. It was a 2 minute conversation and our 19 year r was over.
If it helps, many of us heard that speech. I know I did smile

What a silly way to end a marriage, relationship and friendship, right?

I posted on your last thread - I was answering your question. I hope it helps in some way. I didn't realize it locked the thread.

But as I read the above - you are regaining a healthy perspective. Remember that no matter what "events" happen in your life, you can bend, but you aren't the kind of person that has the option of breaking. Nor do you need to. You take the highs with the lows and you learn to appreciate life for what it is - life! The good? Enjoy it. The bad - is it really bad or just that it wasn't what you wanted? In the end, they are both points in time that you can evaluate later for good or bad impact on your life.


Many of us have listened to the words our ex's spouted. We trusted them and the relationship, so of course we remember it. They have no grace in their state of mind. We're the ones that they spoke to at least. There are many others where their spouse disappears and shows up 20 years later having said nothing.

Just people being people. smile

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2488851 09/16/14 01:16 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
M
Mighty Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
AJ, YES! I got your post on my last thread. Thank you. I am going to address all of you guys individually, but first I just have to say this:

I had a tough week. Tough is now different than it used to be. I texted my friend the other day after she asked how I was doing. I joked and said, "...lots going on. I think at this point I am turning into Ironman." Her response was, "Girl, you've always been Ironman!"

She has no idea. I was always a tough cookie. Tougher than any of my friends, that's for sure. Probably the toughest in my family (and the only girl). This past year has changed me.

First, I became very soft, in a way. I was very vulnerable. I was never a crier, but oh boy, I think I made up for a lifetime of not crying (and then some...) However, with that I am tougher now, too; it just feels different.

But this week.... yes, it was tough, but my toughness is so different than it used to be. I am sensitive to my emotions, but I am better at keeping them in check or perspective. Yup, I had my moments, for sure. Old Might was fighting her way up and out, but honestly, I'm not ashamed about it. I actually feel fine about it. I am not perfect. I am hurt. I reacted to xh because he has hurt me. I think, considering all the damage he has caused our family, I've kept it together pretty well. Had I not had months of growth since bd, it all would have been a totally different scenario. No doubt. (I think that's the reaction xh has been expecting and I think he is quite confused by this.)

Eeee gats! I digress... yet again!

OK, so to get to the point. I am good. I know I will be better. Here is the thing: I am sooo grateful to the people in my life who got me through this.

Shining, Brook, AJ, Heather, Julie, Live, Bright, uR, you guys gave me a shout-out, guidance, support, calmness, valid points, spotlights, clarity, reality, perspective, friendship when I REALLY needed it.

I have never been on a social media site or anything like that. I just don't do it, for whatever reason, just not my thing. I was very hesitant to register here. I lurked for over 8 months before I posted. MANY have helped, even before I claimed my alias, Mighty. So anyway, I have intentions to address you (listed above) directly. I will. Right now, it is so important for me to thank all of you.

I am doing well. I saw xh tonight. It didn't even phase me. No sweat. I got this.

Mighty #2488863 09/16/14 01:45 AM
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
A
AJM Offline
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
Don't feel the need to respond to the postings, Mighty. They are for your benefit - you choose what to do with them. Whatever you choose is fine smile

You're right - you got this and then some.


AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2488869 09/16/14 01:53 AM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 7
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 7
I agree with my friend, AJ. Never feel you have to respond to me. I talk too much anyway. smile

Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
M
Mighty Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,249
A quote from AJ's post in my old thread:

As for your XH? He has a long way to go. He may have hit a false bottom, but he hasn't hit bottom most likely.[/i]

Hmmm... AJ, I think you are right on with that. I hadn't really thought about it, but yes, dealing with emotional things is definitely not xh's expertise. In fact, as I've mentioned before, we always just kind of went along with him to ease anything for him. I have made things pretty easy for him. I am, by no means, a pushover, but I was very aware of xh's inability to deal. I think I believed I was protecting him or being a good wife or something. Soooo, he probably believes he did hit rock bottom. This is just new for him- everyone NOT going along with what he wants. He, FOR ONCE, can't control the situation. And, he just does not know what to do or how to fix it (his r with kids). So, you are right, it is probably what he thinks is rock bottom, but he has a loooooooong way to go.

[i]Should you sit around and wonder if he's going to get healthy etc? Or should you expect that he won't and live your life accordingly?[/i]

I wonder. I probably always will. I will probably always keep an eye out, but the distance from which I watch becomes further and further. Who knows, maybe someday, out of sight? It doesn't matter though what I see, I WILL live my life accordingly.



[i]It may take a while my friend, but if you start with small things now, you'll eventually be free of him. You'll have to start with wanting to be free of him of course. All the good, the bad, the ugly. Then you'll have to start taking steps to be free of the anger, the happiness, the passion associated. The good times will always be there, but the rest will fade away.


I guess that's where I am headed. I guess I just want him to know the destruction he has caused. He may know some. I just have to realize that it probably does not matter if he does or not. It won't change things. I am taking steps, sometimes I just don't know how to step. The anger... that is my biggest difficulty now. I have to say though, I do have a lot of happy memories to share with the kids. I do struggle wondering if everything was a lie. I feel like a joke. But, for my kids sake, or even myself, I do share funny experiences with them. I am a storyteller by nature. I love funny stores. I still talk about good times with the kids. They like to hear about it, and I can laugh about those things. I am glad I still have my sense of humor.


Don't question your feelings so much. I applaud that you are worried about it. I do. But recognize that life is short and if your xH doesn't want to be there, and if you can't understand why he did what he did, well - it happened and you need to have your life anyway. He doesn't want to be part of it, but that doesn't give you an excuse to lay down and die. Or to waste your life being angry etc.

Yes, yes, yes. Can you PLEASE give me this kick in the pants on a routine basis? I know this and I know I have much more ability to enjoy life more than xh. I am the optimist, the outgoing one, the one who sees the good in people and things. It may be a little more difficult now, but, having more empathy... maybe not. When I am myself, I have crazy energy. Like, seriously, like crazy energy. I love that about me. I miss that. My lows have been low. I've never really experienced that. Yup, I've had difficulties in my life, but that did not slow me down, just made me tougher. These low periods have been very different for me. Maybe that is why it is hard for me to shake them sometimes. So keep on kickin me!

Get the anger out where it belongs. It belongs to him. i.e. he gave you a bucket of anger and asked you to hold it. Give it back. Find out who you really are without him around. I think you may really like what you find. smile

That is the best thing I've ever heard. I love that. He can have that stinkin bucket! He owns it. His name is engraved in it. Sucka. I don't want anything to do with it.

Alright, AJ, I know you said I don't have to respond, but, there have been so many "good" things stated in my direction, that I must address them. You hear me?! I must!

Really, it just helps me sort through it. It helps validate the advice. I appreciate this so much; you have no idea.

Thank you, thank you!

Page 1 of 13 1 2 3 12 13

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard