Am I on the right track?

[twinmom]

Make a list of what she "nagged" you about. THAT was her way of complaining/fighting with you.

[wmwb123]

The nagging would be about housekeeping issues. Clothes on the floor, dishes not clean, etc. I'm not a slob, though. Usually if her complaint was about my shirt being on the floor, she'd have pants on the floor somewhere else. But again, even if she considered my failings at tidiness worse than her own, is that reason enough to leave? These were not constant complaints. She only nagged when she'd have a rough day at work. And these things did not develop into arguments.

[wmwb123]

And I'm happy to be tidier. In fact, I'm making the bed daily now. But how can she see that when she's not here?

[wmwb123]

When she left and before I knew there was an A, I begged her for another chance. I asked her why she was leaving, and she said it was because I always got what I wanted. She claimed that she always went along with whatever I wanted to do and that she had killed her own desires to do it. She said now she wants to be independent and live life her way. That is all I have to go on. We honestly did not argue. I can't even remember when we last argued.

[MrBond]

The nagging would be about housekeeping issues. Clothes on the floor, dishes not clean, etc. I'm not a slob, though."

Again, I asked for a no excuses list. If she complained about the housekeeping, then she had an issue with it. PERIOD.

"Usually if her complaint was about my shirt being on the floor, she'd have pants on the floor somewhere else."

More of the... "well she said I did this, but SHE did THIS!". If you keep doing this, and trying to show that things were "fair" between you, you won't get your W back.

"But again, even if she considered my failings at tidiness worse than her own, is that reason enough to leave?"

Yes. I'm beginning to see what she had an issue with. You said that she told you that you always got your way. I can see that. You seem to argue your point to show that you're right or that the things you did weren't that bad because the other person did the same.

What you see as trying to be "fair", I can see it as just score keeping. If I can pick up on that after a few posts, I can imagine how frustrated she would get after dealing with it for over 13 years.

I can almost hear your reply to this, saying I'm wrong, etc.

[wmwb123]

And that right there is why I'm here. I think you're on to something, Bond. I can't argue with that, because that is a trait of mine. So what do I do to remedy it? I guess it may be too late for my current wife, since she's filed for divorce, but it is something I should address.

[twinmom]

Here is something I did while H was with OW to "let go" of things.

I would write down the hurtful thing (or in your case the "nag") and put it in a jar, when I could forgive/let go (ie not care who was "right") then I would throw the paper away.

[wmwb123]

Well, that's the thing. It bothered me, but not all that much. There's not really that much to forgive in that sense. I only need to forgive her for the A, and I will if she will come home. I will make it a point to discuss my feelings, though, and not avoid arguments like we've done in the past. I am ready and willing to do what it takes to make a better marriage. MrBond is right about my always having to be right. I can work on that, too. I know we can work this out if she'll just give us a chance.

[MrBond]

"I only need to forgive her for the A, and I will if she will come home. "

This shows you're not willing to change. You're still score keeping. You will only forgive her IF she comes home. Forgiveness is something you give with no strings attached. Either you forgive or you don't.

"MrBond is right about my always having to be right. I can work on that, too."

You're still wanting to be "right". And either you WILL work on it or WON'T. There is no "can".

[wmwb123]

Alright. I WILL work on it. And by "if" I mean that how can she know that I forgive her unless she comes back? I have forgiven her already, but she's still shutting me out of her life. And I can pretty much guarantee you she's not going to be receptive to an e-mail saying I forgive her at this point.