The only advice I can offer you is to try to keep a positive attitude and continue to do the things that initially attracted your H. Although there is no set timeline, I read somewhere (maybe Starsky?) that those feelings can take years to fully return.
True, but only if OW is completely out of his life, which obviously has never happened. I think the daily contact with her at his office may have blocked him emotionally to mdu's positive changes, and caused him -- a waffler already, imho -- to waffle even more.
Wars are won by FIRST pacifying your enemy. THEN you negotiate the peace. I don't believe it can be done backwards. (I know that sounds harsh, but when a spouse is wayward or walkaway they are an enemy to your marriage and your intact family).
I don't think the man was ever allowed to hit bottom. Maybe he will if mdu moves on.
Had a devastating discussion with H last night. He told me that he does not love me anymore, has been trying to fall back in love with me these past 7 months since BD & just can't.
This is my opinion, and my belief system (although many people share it), and take it for fwiw:
I truly believe the old truth of "Love is a decision." It is a commitment that the two of you make, to each other and to the marriage, that says "we are exclusive, we are monogamous, we are going to work on this, til death (or divorce) do us part."
FEELINGS on the other hand, do take awhile to return. They can take a LONG while to FULLY return.
I stress this because often times (and usually, it's a wayward WOMAN, not a wayward man who expresses this) a wayward spouse will say "But I've lost my feelings for you," or "I don't love you anymore," or often "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" (which is completely a FEELINGS statement). My wife expressed the same fears to me: "If I end my affair and come back and work on the marriage with you, I don't think my feelings for you are ever going to come back." To which I replied "I'm not asking for you to guarantee anything about how you will FEEL; I'm asking you to make a DECISION to rejoin me in this marriage, and to work on it for some set period of time that we both can agree on -- say, one year. If at that time either one of us don't feel like this is working out, then at least we will know that we gave it our best shot."
Your husband -- as you have lamented here often throughout your sitch -- has never made that commitment, that decision. He's operated more like a woman, frankly and has led all along with his emotions. I think he compares his feelings for you with his feelings that he gets (or, if he truly ended it with her, that he USED to get) with OW.
And he doesn't think it can work with you.
The problem is, he has never committed to no-contact, and has in fact REMAINED in contact with her, mostly thru work and we hope that's all that it's been, but it's still CONTACT.
Physiologically, this has caused him to remained emotionally BLOCKED to you, and he's being unfair not only to YOU but also to HIMSELF if he makes a potentially life- and family-altering decision (like divorce) based on whether or not he feels "in love" with you currently.
Not until OW is completely out of the picture, and you two agree to work on things exclusively, will his feelings begin to return and even then it takes AWHILE. My wife and I began to feel differently towards each other after a few months, but it took probably 2-3 YEARS for it to get back fully.
It's why I'm such an absolute NAZI about no-contact and transparency. I got overruled here, and I deferred to your decision and the advice from others which DID (and does) very much work at RE-ATTRACTION. We've seen that, and you did it very well! But for re-attraction to then take the next necessary step of COMMITMENT on your husband's part, I believe has a very small chance as long as he's remaining in contact with OW and keeping some part of his heart open to her.
I could be wrong. His statement about his feelings may have more to do with long-term issues he has with you, mixed with how much he's seeing you change (or NOT change) currently, and him deciding "these are the things that made me unhappy in the marriage to begin with, and why I stepped outside of my marriage and left mdu." But at a MINIMUM his decision-making is at least heavily INFLUENCED by the endorphines still running around his brain, in my opinion.
I just wanted to clarify that, since you've said that you are a "facts and logic" person and you like to think everything thru. The GOOD news in all of that is, I don't think your husband even YET has allowed himself to decide what he wants to do with you while UNINFLUENCED by a third party. And it remains to be seen whether or not that might still happen, and maybe his feelings change. So it doesn't necessarily mean that his feelings so far have been a "lie" -- they've just been blocked/influenced by remaining feelings for OW.
I do think it (no-contact decision-making, uninfluenced by a third party) needs to happen, though before the two of you make such a life-altering decision like divorce, if that's what you're thinking.
My ex-fiancé gave me the same spiel - that he just doesn't feel it for me right now, while he is in the midst of a relationship with the OW. How ridiculous for them to think they can have feelings for us without working at it, when they are in the midst of a romantic affair with someone else! How immature! It's also clear that these guys have no clue what real love is! Real love is not all rainbows and ponies - it's all other less exciting but wonderful stuff that develops over years of being together as a family and committing to work at a relationship.
Your H and mine will inevitably disappointed when the initial magic wears off and the pixie dust goes away...
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
Also remember that they used to have the same feelings for us at one point, which means the foundation for love will always be there.
Engaged Aug 2009 Fiancé had doubts Jan 2010 Happily re-engaged July 2012 Discovery of affair July 2014 Separated July 2014 Fiancé is confused about whom to choose Chose the OW Oct 2014
Starsky, thanks for that, it applies to my sitch too.
I hope this isn't a hijack, but I wanted your thoughts... My H's OW also works for his same company, but far down the food chain and in a different company. He does encounter her from time to time, usually via Skype or other electronic medium, but he's in her office annually. He claims he "tried," but the truth is he was chasing her while he was "trying." She just didn't want him.
How long does it take for him to not be influenced by his experience with her? I was told he was through with her in July but I think he's missing at high something fierce. Now he says he's opposed to being in any relationship at all.
MDU, I'm sorry this is where you are in your journey. Those words HURT. I know.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'll try to stop by your thread, Maybell. It would depend on how often he sees her, and whether or not he's "dwelling" on her in his mind (example: you don't see her for several months, but every night you're on iTunes playing your favorite love songs that remind you of her, and "going there" in your mind).
Interestingly, it's been shown that even NEGATIVE contact (a disagreement, or a friend telling you something disparaging about OM/OW) can have the same effect as positive contact, chemically. The brain still gets that same "jolt" of PEAs and the withdrawal clock goes back to 0:00:00 again.
Thanks for that, Starsky, the infidelity portion of my thread hasn't been addressed in quite some time as the focus has been more on me and my areas for growth. I shouldn't have interrupted MDU's need for you except that what's going on with her appears so relevant to trying to sort out my own husband's state of mind. The bullet she took yesterday I took several months ago. But I find your point of view really enlightening and I didn't come to DB till way late in the game so it's helpful to see where I went wrong and where I had no possibility of succeeding given the circumstances.
(where I said "another company" should have read "another continent" -- but I have no idea how often he interacts with her electronically)
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Wow. I am so so sorry to read of H's hurtful words to you. That has got to HURT like h*ll!
It's okay to step back and away from the boards for a while to regain your center.
I am with Starsky about H's thought process...in that he's operating from a feeling standpoint rather than making a conscious DECISION to work on things. I am in general agreement that all of those factors are complicated by the OW's constant presence at the office building.
BUT....
I've seen that other posters have survived the OW/OM at their offices. Seems that all of that depends on the variables at play between the parties.
MDU....we're all here right beside you lifting you up by the arms. We'eve got your back, baby. (((MDU)))
Give us a heads up when you can to let us know you are alright.
I will pray for you tonight.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
