Maybell XII

[Ss06]

maybell,

Is it too late there for perhaps a well-paced walk? While leaving your phone at home?!

Or vacuum a room which allows you to speak angrily with few people hearing (not that I have any experience with that).

or write out the perfect text you want to send him here. Take your time in phrasing and get just the right words. That will probably feel quite cathartic.

How are these doing as suggestions?

[Maybell]

Grr. Spent the weekend at my little brother's wedding. Not happy to be separated.

And I'm not so horrible that I deserve this.

[claire7]

I hear you Maybell. I am right there with you. I keep flopping back and forth between pity (how weak he must be-- he just doesn't really seem to want to be a full time father and partner), and soooo livid, like he disgusts me and I don't know how I can stand to look at his stupid face.

We definitely did not deserve this.

And yet, it happens. And so many bad things happen to people who don't deserve them to.

I don't mean to minimize your pain. I just mean we are in very good company. People just like us who are finding the strength to go on and be great moms or dads and friends and maybe even someday a romantic partner to somebody again.

(P.s. I'm at 11 months. When do I get to throw all the stupid sh!t he left here in the dumpster?)

[Maybell]

I restrained myself and did not send snark. But we text chatted for a long, long time, so hopefully that did some good. And he has the IC appt tomorrow. So we'll see.

Thank you, friends, can't wait till the forum is functioning properly again so we don't get all these crazy glitches.

Is it too big a goal to hope he asks if we can spend thanksgiving together?

[claire7]

Hope without expectation? Is that an oxymoron?

We have to have hope, right?

[Maybell]

Hope without expectation = faith.

Was it Ahoy who said that faith is using two different roads in the anticipation of ending up at the same destination?

Her little parable was much neater than that but that was the message.

Text conversations are awesome because you can check the transcript. He said several hopeful things, including *when* we put the rings back on.

He is who he is. We agreed we stink at relationships. I hope we find better skills to change our path.

[claire7]

Maybell,
You have such a calmer, more peaceful tone. Try to hold on to this feeling when the next wave of anger, etc comes up.

One more thought about this line:
"I hope we find better skills to change our path."

The thing is, skills are not "found"--they are developed through mindful practice. You can't hope to find skills-- you have to work to develop them. You can hope that your H decides to put in the work on his end, but you have total control over yours.

I'm nit-picking over semantics, maybe, but to me it is an important distinction. Growth mindset, baby! If you put in the effort to build YOUR skills, you WILL get results-- if not for this R, then certainly the next one.

[Maybell]

It may be weak to say so, but I felt better after talking to him because it was comforting to turn to my best friend after everything that upset me about the weekend. I didn't have to say much about it for him to respond exactly as I needed. And then I moved on to other things that we could share that were less personal before the conversation could get smothering.

I wish I understood what I can do for him that feels the same kind of comforting. I probably missed an opportunity in there.

There was still a lot in our conversation that was really unsettling. But he emphasized several times the IC he has set up and seems to be putting a lot of hope in that so we'll see. I wish he had more agency.

I think I know a couple of things to do next.

[claire7]

That's great to hear Maybell! That says a lot that you would still call him your best friend.

[Maybell]

Here's how I know he's not thinking clearly: he can't stomach the thought of returning to a passionless marriage... But apparently he thinks I would be totally fine with that. As in, he has no responsibility to provide me with a passionate relationship, but I have to give him one. How's that for selfish? I think he's got some growing to do.

I say that with love.

He said he started IC today. So I'm going to try to back off for a few weeks while he gets into that. If he invites, I'll accept if it works out. We already talked about a cool river outing I found. Other than that, ball's in his court.

How am I doing?