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Underdog #2488751 09/15/14 08:22 PM
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Maybell Offline OP
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I'm not trying to categorize him. That's just the different veins in which I think of him. I guess the "stepping back to heal" is supposed to be about cultivating a "go forward" mentality about him. To the extent I need to think about him at all.

I fell to bits at the lawyer's office last week. I'm not done. How can I still be in this place after so much time? Am I stuck?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2488953 09/16/14 12:59 PM
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Another road trip planned for Friday, a quick one down to see my brother's wedding. S8 asked if H was coming with us, and when I said no, he asked why not. I was taken aback -- he hasn't figured out what's going on in his family?

I said "Dad is taking a little bit of a break from my family right now."
He said "Is that why you don't ever visit his apartment with us?"
Me, "Yes." I watched his face and saw he was really sad, so I sat with him and gave him a huge hug and said, "But Dad will never take a break from you, and neither will I. We both love you all the way. That's why you visit both our houses."

He never really cried but the way he snuggled in he felt so sad. Then S6's lip started trembling so we had a family snuggle and I reassured them all over again how much we both loved them.

I had been worried about S8 tamping his feelings down but it never occurred to me that five months in he didn't understand what was going on.

Also, last night H and I solved two parenting problems via text and changed the arrangement for how he spends weekdays with the kids. He had been wanting to get more one-on-one time with them so we arranged that he'll get that with them during the week. I think this will be good for me & the kids too.

Then at the end he said he hoped I was OK, that I'd seemed kind of tense lately. I couldn't think what else to say, so I wrote "I don't like being separated." Which is true. And straightforward seems to be working with him, and improving our communication. He responded "I'm sorry. I know I told you I'd make an IC appointment. I'll send him an email now and schedule some time." I said "I hope you're doing this for yourself and not just for me." He said "I know it is something I should do for myself and can only benefit, whatever the outcome."

I hate when he tries to manage my expectations but I also appreciated the statement (and agree with it). So I just left it at that and closed the conversation.

It's not chasing but it's a wonderful improvement in our communications and considering that I'm really uncertain about what our future ought to be it's pretty much of a win just to be open and clear with one another. I'll be interested to see if I ever hear about what he talks about in IC, but I don't expect to. That would be a big layer of vulnerability for both of us to peel back with one another.

It seems he's not done with me. I think he cares about me, and I definitely care about him. If we can get to where we enjoy spending time together I would be content to not get back together until it was absolutely clear that we were both dying to live together again.

Now I'll keep my head down for a while longer and get back to worrying about myself.

Last edited by Maybell; 09/16/14 01:01 PM.

Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2488964 09/16/14 01:23 PM
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Maybe this is all about you and patience.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2488966 09/16/14 01:25 PM
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Maybell Offline OP
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how do you mean?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2488968 09/16/14 01:32 PM
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Hi Maybelle -- It's funny that we expect our kids to understand when we don't really even understand the situation ourselves (as in why is this happening and what will the outcome be). Just last weekend, my daughter who is 14 asked if H and I were separated. (My H hasn't lived with us since Aug. 1). You would think a 14 year old would understand, but no. She thought her dad just needs space (which is what he told her) but I had to clarify the situation that he needs space to date other people and see if he really wants to stay married (which is the truth -- and one she needs to hear since she is old enough and needs to be prepared when she starts encountering H's girlfriend, whom I'm sure exists). STILL, you'd think the kids would pick up on things but they just don't -- and part of them is probably in wishful denial (like I am at times).


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Ahoy #2488977 09/16/14 01:49 PM
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Why did you need to clarify the situation. Why not leave that for him?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2488985 09/16/14 02:00 PM
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Maybell Offline OP
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I'm not capable of ignoring a direct question. As in, I don't feel like I have the right to. I realize how that ties into the issues we've already discussed, but it takes someone like you to point out that I don't necessarily always owe answers.

Should I have ignored the question?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2489000 09/16/14 02:26 PM
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Sorry, that was in reference to Ahoy's post. I hijacked a little. I think we cross-posted.

The patience part was referring to you wanting to do a temp check. You sound strong and are going to step back and heal and then suddenly you want to poke the bear.

Stay your course.


Last edited by labug; 09/16/14 02:29 PM.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Maybell #2489026 09/16/14 03:17 PM
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Originally Posted By: Maybell
I'm not capable of ignoring a direct question. As in, I don't feel like I have the right to. I realize how that ties into the issues we've already discussed, but it takes someone like you to point out that I don't necessarily always owe answers.

Should I have ignored the question?


I know labug clarified that she wasn't referring to you, and I agree that you should stay the course. But I think you still raise an interesting point.

You are right that we don't "owe" answers to anyone. But, if we want to be in a good M, shouldn't we WANT to provide answers to our spouses? (As long as the questions are reasonable, which I think your H's was.)

I'm just seeing some parallels with my sitch -- specifically, my H's recent statement that it's not okay to "demand" emotional support from him. Sure, he doesn't "owe" it to me, but if he wants to be in a loving M, shouldn't he WANT to offer it?

At any rate, I like your response to your H. "I don't like being separated." It is a statement of feeling without blame. You can not like being separated and not be angry at your H. You can not like being separated without wanting to NOT be separated. It's useful phrase in what it does say as well as what it does NOT say.


Me: 33 Him: 35
T: 13 M: 11
D7
BD, S: Jul 3rd, 2014
Elsa #2489162 09/16/14 08:36 PM
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I wasn't going to post this today because it sounds so needy... But standing in the grocery checkout today I got this awful, punched-in-the-gut certainty that he's just never coming back.

I got a job offer today. My very first interview. It's part-time, for VERY little money, but it's responsible, good experience, and I like the organization.

On the other hand, my network has been working hard on my behalf and I'm getting nibbles. The money would be HUGELY different, but what my network is reaching for is career work, full time.

If H hadn't left, I'd be dancing on tables and guzzling champagne to have found a job with such great work-life balance and potential for satisfaction. With him gone, I'm not sure how I should weigh my factors. Taking the work-life job doesn't preclude a greater career down the road and would be an easier adjustment on my kids. He'll have to pay a lot of support if we divorce... And I feel funny about that.

I feel like there are all these people who feel strongly about which way I should go on this very personal choice. My boundaries are too new to be super sturdy. I think my punched-in-the-gut feeling has to do with the fact that H doesn't even know I had the interview, won't be included in the decision of whether to take the job or hold out for something more ambitious, and by rights he ought to be celebrating with me.

It is disappointing to have this big milestone happening and not be celebrating with him. I guess that's why I feel so sick.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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