Journaling here to record a change in how I am handling myself and my emotions.
Yesterday afternoon Mr. Gritty texted me and asked if I had some time to meet him for happy hour at a nice restaurant near us, just for a quick drink, even though we had a date scheduled for tonight. I stressed about this, for three reasons:
Reason No. 1.
The last time we were here was for a quick status meeting in April, while he was still dating other people. As we walked in a strange woman lit up when she saw him. She waved at him, totally ignored me. He nodded at her. When we sat down I asked who she was, he said he didn't know who she was, then said he wasn't really hungry and didn't want to eat there anyway. We got up and left the restaurant, talked a few minutes outside before ending that meeting. I figured she was a former/current date and it really burned me up.
Our next meeting was about a week later, and he used it to tell me that I had agreed to an open marriage and he expected both of us to operate under that agreement. I never agreed to that and was angry, brought up the woman again, asked if she was one of his dates (this was before I was really DBing properly). He said she only waved at him because she knows him from work. The two conflicting stories made me think he was lying to me and that restaurant was one of his trolling places.
Reason No. 2. I didn't really have the time yesterday to meet him. I was having company over and needed to get groceries and clean house, so why was I taking the time to see him when we had a date scheduled the following evening? He always expects me to drop everything at his beck and call!
Reason No 3 Because he told me to "wear something nice". I was short on time, didn't want to take the time to spiff up, and why should I be expected to spiff up for a last-minute date he sprang on me? I resented all the shaving, tweezing, hair-setting, ironing, etc. I'd have to do to get ready, and I still had to go to the grocery store, still clean up the house for houseguests... and was he going to "wear something nice" for me? Probably not! He was coming straight from work...
But then I remembered: I am in control of my life and I choose my reactions. This is a new way of thinking I'm trying to make stick. So three things happened:
1) I let go of my resentment for the restaurant. The restaurant may or may not have been a trolling place, but it only has the value to which I assign it.
2) I let go of my resentment of him expecting me to drop everything and go on this date. I knew how tight my schedule was and yet I agreed to meet him. I DID THIS. So why was I resenting "his demands" of my time? I could've said no and yet I said yes. I am the one who made my schedule even more hectic.
I wanted to meet him so I did, and I shouldn't blame him for it adding more chaos to the day. From now on I will examine my schedule more carefully before committing to a last-minute date. I will examine my reasons for agreeing to meet him if I obviously don't have the time in my schedule.
3) I let go of my resentment of him for having to spiff up, because I don't have to spiff up for any event I don't want to spiff up for.
He can ask me to dress up, and he can ask me not to dress up, and he can ask me to show up stark naked. It doesn't matter what he asks me. Only I can decide what to wear. If I don't have the time or the desire to dress up, I won't dress up.
Perhaps people will think this is stupid, but this is a big behavior change for me. I have lived my life anticipating what other people expect of me. I take on these expectations, thinking they are expectations I must fulfill and they are not! All of my resentments today were resentments I picked up all by myself. He did not lay them on me, I picked them up.
For example, there were so many times during our separation when he would stop being angry at me and ask to meet me in person at the last minute and I would always hop to it... and resent him for it.
But when I walked in and sat down at the restaurant (in my work clothes with some groceries in the car) I reminded myself I chose to be here, and I am being honest with myself for once.
He took my hand and thanked me for waiting. For a minute I was confused... was I late? He had to wait for me? I felt anxious because he always hated to be kept waiting. Then I relaxed. If he chooses to end our relationship because I was a few minutes late tonight, then he is not the right person for me anymore.
I looked at the clock on my phone. I said, "I am right on time."
He rolled his eyes and said, "No, what I meant is, we're here for one reason, because you waited for me." Then he teared up and looked away.
I am still being cautious. I am very, very cautious. I know there is a good chance he's going to run again and I intend to be ready for it. I know we have to get through a lot of MC, I know we have to learn how to argue without me backing down whenever he turns into a blowhard.
But I am so encouraged.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Very Impressive ... I know I was reading and thinking .. man so many could learn from this .. myself included. How many times have we broadcasted resentment towards our spouse for things we actually agreed to in the first place?
Well Done Nitty .. Bravo ... and that "You waited for me" line ... holy crap package that up and send it to a movie house! I know .. baby steps .. but you are going to right direction!
Just a word of advice, since I'm in the exact same spot as you. We are moving too fast and I read that you felt you guys were moving too fast. Continue to focus on you. These past 3 weeks, I stopped focusing on me and I blew it last night. For now Clark hasn't run, but he will if I keep going the direction we are.
I let Clark control my life the last 2 weeks. I should have placed more boundaries, slowed him down and told him no more. I was so excited to have him home, that now we are headed the wrong direction. Make your changes stick. Don't feel pressured by Mr. Gritty. Remember he is still going through a MLC. Protect your heart.
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
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