M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
OK, things are different now. I'm not sure they're better now, but I have more hope than I've had in a very long time... although the hope comes with some ambivalence on my end. It appears that Mr. Gritty wants to try to reconcile.
Over last week Mr. Gritty's friendly texts increased, and then I started getting phone calls, too. Then Mr. Gritty sent me an apology via text.
He told me he was very sorry for all he'd put me through in the last twelve months, and that he took full responsibility for it, that he owned it. He swears he has not been with anyone else for several months. I responded with a thank you. I mean, it's a texted apology but it's more than I've gotten before.
The next day was my appointment with my DB coach, who was surprised and glad at this turn of events. The plan: to listen to what Mr. Gritty has to say while affirming and validating, not push R, D or $ talks, and hold off on my emotional needs right now in order to meet his and better gauge where he is right now.
I'm taking this one day at a time. I do not intend to live like this forever. We've got a boatload of issues to work through at some point. He broke the trust in our relationship, he needs to help fix it. It's just that now is not the time. Hence, my ambivalence. He is not moving home until I feel like it is the right time. (He hasn't asked yet, either.)
We've seen each other a couple of times this week. As he is unwilling to visit me in our home, I drive to see him, which feels like I'm having to do the courting, or something. I haven't said anything like this but on one of our dates he said he felt bad about me always driving to see him and he took me to dinner at a local place near the house.
Yesterday he wanted to be intimate and I broke the no R talk rule. I asked him: "I need to know: what exactly has changed since last week when you said I 'manipulated' you into doing conflict resolution? What has changed since you initiated D proceedings and said you were 'through' and 'done' with our marriage?"
He said he was confused and trying to find his way, but he knows now where he wants to be. I asked him how he knew he wouldn't be confused anymore? Like, maybe, next week? How does he know he won't suddenly feel trapped and caged and controlled like he's suddenly felt at odd moments throughout the last year?
He said he just knows. I told him I was glad he was sure but I still have to protect myself and until I feel safe, I would be careful. He said he understood. And yet, during dinner, he was telling me about a work issue he had, and how he had to call the OW and get her to fix it for him. I didn't say anything but my face must've changed because he stopped and apologized and said he keeps forgetting that he had a relationship with her. I just changed the subject.
So other than that the only backsliding I did was after a walk. We're having a heat wave and were both were sweaty and uncomfortable after the walk so he told me I could shower at his place. When I was looking for deodorant I found a tube of mascara, a brand I never use. HER mascara.
I felt so angry in that moment. Why would he still have that in his bathroom? Was it, like, a trophy? Was he waiting to give it back to her? Telling her she could come and pick it up herself?
I wished I could call the DB coach and ask what to do. Frankly, I wished I could shove the mascara up OW's ass.
I decided the DB Coach would probably advise me not to mention it to him, because it would appear that I'd been snooping when I was not and what purpose would it serve except to put him on the spot?
So I put on a pretend face when I came out of the bathroom but he could tell. He kept asking me what was wrong and I finally told him. I apologized for looking for deodorant and told him I found the mascara and knew it was hers. He got defensive, said that it was left behind during a situation that was more innocent than I was imagining. AND... he wasn't going to talk about it.
I asked him how come he didn't throw it out if he was truly done with her. He said didn't know, that he just forgot about it.
I told him I hate it that she is still in our lives because he still has to work with her. He says he doesn't even think about her romantically or sexually because their relationship is "so over. Months and months ago, Nitty! I can't barely remember it anymore." He said he was not ever going to talk about her or any of the other women but that it would never happen again.
Maybe he can barely remember how much in love he was with the OW, but I remember very well him telling me how she was the most precious thing in his life and his only chance for happiness, and how he couldn't bear to break up with her. And if he doesn't remember why he left me, how will he know he'll not leave me again?
It was hard, but I made myself shut up.
We still have a D mediation appointment this week. In a very odd dinner conversation we were holding hands and he thanked me for "waiting" for him to get through this. And I had to ask: "Are we still getting divorced?"
He looked surprised and said we could cancel mediation "if we want to." I'm hoping we'll just do conflict resolution as a form of marriage counseling but I didn't say that. I'm not going to tell him to cancel it or not. He initiated it. It's up to him to stop it.
I don't know what to do or how to proceed so I'm making my way carefully, just focusing on one day at a time. Reconciliation is what I've wanted more than anything, but this is not how I imagined it to be. Like, I'm still taking care of his emotional state, holding my tongue when all I want to do is ask questions and discuss what happened. But I have my eye on the long-term prize and I must not get resentful.
I find myself concerned that I did the right thing. Today I was thinking about how all the GALing I've been doing has been a lot of fun, and I won't be GALing if I'm back with him, right? No! I will still GAL! But invite him along... and if he doesn't want to go?
And what if OW makes a play for him again? Is he going to be ready for that? And what was with all the hostility of the last months? Will I have to walk on eggshells, worried about it starting up again?
I won't think about that today. I'll think about it if it happens. One day at a time.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
You have the right attitude. And yeah, while the books are pretty definitive on phases (GAL, LRT, piecing), the truth is that these things blend and bleed on each other.
You are also asking the right questions. The good news is, they don't all have to be answered right away. DB'g is weird - it's almost like you should tackle the easiest questions first. Read the affairs/infidelity chapter in DR - my guess is that erasing the OW completely from his life will be the last thing that happens.
We men (okay, most of us) are stupid about emotional things. He honestly might not have even thought about that mascara for 6 months. It could genuinely just be a thing sitting in the cabinet. I know that's hard to believe, but sometimes it's true. My W found some old postcards from a long-past girlfriend once...I had no idea they were even around (sitting in an old Army trunk.) She flipped out; I was like, hey, it's not like I had a kid with her (okay, I didn't say that. But I thought it.)
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Wow Nitty -- some good developments there. But, I just can't 'un-see' that image of you....oh never mind. (!) I agree with Shakspr, though - he probably didn't even realize it was there. Anyway, take it s-l-o-w...yes, one day at a time...you'll know what to do and when...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
Me:42 W:41 M:12 T:3 D7, D7, S5 Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months W divorce bomb 6/9/14 Started "in-house separation" 7/2014 W files for D 8/28/14 I move out 9/27/14
I love that "I can hardly remember that I had a relationship with her."
Wow. I got the: "Oh THAT. (About his adultery). THAT was just stupid...."
Oh yeah, sure it was. How quickly they (want to) forget!
I can't wait to hear what happens next in your nutshell.
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Not sure if this post will stick with the board maintenance, but I'm going to post anyway.
I'm still riding the roller coaster.
TEXTKRIEG
The evening I wrote my last post, I accidentally sent a text to Mr. Gritty after his "bedtime". I'd written it earlier, forgot to send it, found it and tried to erase it but accidentally hit send.
It woke him up and ... tada... Bring on the textkrieg. He blasted me for:
1) waking him up.
2) not responding to him quickly enough. "I wrote my last text 2.5 hours ago!" (I was in my adult ed class)
3) "going out and meeting others". He was really ticked off about that. A quote: "I need to go out and meet others. You are. What the hell is wrong with me? Screw this sh!t." The implication being that he is questioning reconciliation because I'm going out and he isn't and that is bad.
4) lying to him. He claimed I changed my story in my texts as to where I'd been. Told me how much he hates it when I keep on lying. Of course, I didn't lie in the texts, and I didn't lie during our marriage, but this is back to one of the reasons he gave me for cheating on me.
All he needed to do was re-read the texts, to see that my story did not change, but instead he just went off the handle.
I finally remembered the rules and stopped responding. I figured: well, that reconciliation didn't last long. And I was pretty sure I was right because he didn't text me for the next 48 hours. He didn't call, didn't do anything. We went from frequent and consistently friendly daily texts to nada.
Was I upset? No. Confused, yes. Agitated, yes. But not rolling around in despair. I'm getting better at detachment.
MEDIATION
When he showed up in mediation, though, he surprised me. He acted friendly and happy to see me, almost pleased with himself that he was there and ready to work on conflict resolution.
The mediator asked how we did the previous week and I said I sure as hell didn't know what we did last week... and maybe Mr. Gritty could explain what was going on, because I thought we were in reconciliation, but apparently not, not anymore.
Mr. Gritty told us that he had, indeed, realized he "was bad" and blew up unfairly. He said he realized that after he cooled down and read the texts.
He also explained his lack of texting me after the textkrieg because he figured he had held out the olive branch long enough, and that it was my turn to reach out to him. He didn't text me after his textkrieg because he wanted to see if I would reach out to him.
All righty then. Even the mediator looked a little confused. He gave Mr. Gritty the lecture about texting being bad for communication. Then he asked if Mr. Gritty had done his paperwork.
Of course not. So then the mediator asked him, "Well, do you want to get D or not?" Mr. Gritty said we should still move the paperwork forward, "just in case". But that he feels good that we are headed for reconciliation, and winked at me.
Yes. We are trying to reconcile while in D mediation. Not that this is riddled with mixed messages, or anything.
Nitty Gets LOUD
During our session of conflict resolution Mr. Gritty ended up shouting and leaving the room twice. This is how he acted just before he dropped the bomb, and just before he left me. He wasn't always this bad. But now he is and I basically roll up into a little ball when he does, so we really, really need this conflict resolution stuff.
We practiced discussion techniques meant to diffuse heated situations but when Mr. Gritty got so loud and angry the second time around, the mediator told me to talk to Mr. Gritty just like he talked to me the next time he blows up. (He said this right in front of Mr. Gritty. And hello! MWD's 180! I've always believed a soft answer turns away wrath, but not when you're doing 180s!)
And so I did the first opportunity I could, which turned out to be when Mr. Gritty got angry because I was "making him" provide paperwork for the D. (Because, you know, you don't need to put stuff in writing when you get D. Apparently you only need to give your word that you're being honest and the court will be fine with that.)
I copied Mr. Gritty perfectly, raising my voice and using the same inflections and facial expressions he likes to use, even hit the table once. I have to say it felt good to talk to him like that. He just crossed his arms over his chest and looked sheepish and kind of laughed. But he stopped blaming me for creating paperwork.
TWO MONTHS IS THE NEW DEADLINE
That evening he asked me to dinner, and I went. I asked him how come he still is keeping D mediation going. He said "we should know for sure within at least two months" as to whether or not we should D. He started to go off on me about not trusting his word regarding the paperwork and I asked him to stop.
At that moment I figured, he's probably going to change his mind about reconciling at least a couple of times within the next two months. If we get through it and he want to reconcile, good. If we get through it and he wants to D, I'm not going to fight him one bit.
I am so tired of fighting. And frankly, I'm not so sure what I'm fighting for anymore.
WE'RE GETTING A D! UM, NO, WE'RE NOT!
The next day, he texted that he wanted to make a large purchase using our joint account. I said, "Wait, don't we have a date of separation? Are you buying this for the community property or for yourself?"
His response was that we could do whatever we want, date of separation be damned, and "We are getting D as far as I'm concerned."
I immediately hunkered down in detached mode. Ah, I thought, we are back to this again. Wait a couple of days and we'll be back in reconciliation.
But then he sent a flurry of texts apologizing for the typo. He intended to say, "We are NOT getting a D as far as I'm concerned."
It made me laugh, because in the old days I'd be really upset. Now I'm just, like, business as normal.
TODAY
Today I spent the afternoon with him. At one point he told me, "We have to talk" with this stricken look on his face and instantly I was transported to that awful moment in December when he said the same thing and turned my world inside-out.
But today he only wanted to say "screw the two months," that we should end D mediation and just focus on the conflict resolution. I was relieved, but then we actually got into an argument within five minutes of that announcement. LOL.
The argument reached a crescendo when Mr. Gritty said, "I knew it wouldn't work out!" And I tried to leave.
He stopped me and we agreed to start over. No R talks unless we've got the mediator with us. Before we stopped talking about R, he did say that he will never cheat again because now he fully understands the pain it caused me.
This is not what I consider a good answer. That cheating would cause him pain is a given, but it's not the reason I'm faithful to him. I do not cheat because I don't feel the need for another man, because I value my relationship and know I would destroy it by cheating. So I was a bit concerned about that answer but didn't challenge him on it. Enough of the arguing for today.
After that the afternoon was pleasant, although still a bit stressful for me. After all, I am not saying what I want to say, not telling him about my fears and concerns. The goal is to meet his needs right now, not mine. To save the difficult talks for counseling.
I'm taking this day-by-day. I'm not going to think about tomorrow, only about today. And frankly, when I think about tomorrow, I lose heart. There is so much we're going to have to resolve, and right now we can't even spend one afternoon without him blowing up or getting so agitated he wants to quit the marriage.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Wow Nitty, Crazy times in the MLC world! Amazing some of the stuff that he has said...like how his A with OW was "..so long ago I can't hardly remember it..". Man, 6 whole months...that's like a lifetime in MLC time! I really don't know how you do it. You are so strong! Good luck and hang in there!
PS The board message said 24-48 hours. It's been 72+ hours! I sure hope that they are finished and we don't lose all posts from this weekend!
