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jp,

I'm sorry, did you say he has no leisure money? Oh boo hoo. No money for him to go gallivanting around town while his pregnant wife is at home raising two other kids? Um, no.

The options here are:

1. He either makes more money or you both cut back in some area to make it so you BOTH can have leisure money.

2. You go get a serving job or something and he FATHERS the children (father's don't babysit or "watch the kids"). The alternative to this is a babysitter but that defeats the purpose of you going out to bring home a paycheck, right?

I don't see other options, do you? Does he have a plan for when the baby comes?

Ugh, I could give him a swift kick to the arse.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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jpLove Offline OP
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Ss06, I agree...it's ridiculous. This entire thing is ridiculous. Our problems are nominal compared to many problems in marriages that stay together! He's gone off his rocker...and the guy he's living with left his wife & 3 kids in NY and moved back to OH bc he was depressed & it was their fault...about a year or so ago. I'm sure that the friend is having a lot of influence on what H is doing, because this is so far out of left field it's unbelievable. The only option I can see right now is getting a job, and I HATE IT. I've been a sahm for a very important reason since our daughter was born, we were both convicted in it...so much so that he wanted me to homeschool our kids! So now their dad left and all their security is out the window. They've both developed so many irrational fears it shocks me. She's afraid to go potty alone now & my son is suddenly terrified of bugs, for example...so what do I do? I "go away" for long periods every day right after their dad left completely, and shake up their world even more, and the thought of having to leave my newborn after 6 short weeks just tears my heart up. I didn't leave my first two babies for even an hour EVER until they were a year old! I never ever imagined I'd be where I am now. (By the way, none of this is a judgement on anyone else's parenting...just what has been right for my family.)

Last edited by jpLove; 09/15/14 02:37 AM.

Me: 30
Him: 30
Daughter: 5
Son: 3
Daughter: 1
Started dating: 2008
Married: 2010
He moved out: late 7/14

Currently 180ing & LastResorting
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 24
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jpLove Offline OP
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Holy cow, somehow I just realized that there were numerous replies that I just didn't see until now, thanks everyone for your input and support!!


Me: 30
Him: 30
Daughter: 5
Son: 3
Daughter: 1
Started dating: 2008
Married: 2010
He moved out: late 7/14

Currently 180ing & LastResorting
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
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There really are just so many unfairnesses of it all. The injustice of him walking away from so many responsibilities. It's my opinion that when a couple decides for one parent to stay at home, that's a commitment from the other parent to provide safety and security to complete the goal at hand be it to stay home until the children are in school or to homeschool or whatever. It's a breech of a HUGE commitment to disappear.

It makes me wonder if he's running from responsibility because he feels like he's not good enough to do it well, you know? Like he feels inadequate so why bother working SO hard? I don't know.

Here's the thing though...
You're a strong momma bear whether you realize it completely or not. You are. Momma bears do whatever it takes to give their children the best they can. If that means you getting a job and having to leave the youngest at 6 weeks, then that's what you'll do. YES, it's not the life you planned on. YES, it's unfair and painful for sure!

THIS is what you're working on. Getting to a point where you can be that momma bear with everything you are despite H (not to spite but despite). You CAN do it as ridiculous as it is that you are now in a position to have to.

You have this strength inside of you. You do. I can see it.

One of the things I've struggled so much with is that the WAS can just leave without having to face up to everything they are leaving behind. They leave the LBS to pick up the pieces and the injustice in that is brutal. Unfortunately, it's also reality right now.

Hang in there. We're here cheering you on.

None of this is fun. All of it is hard and a lot of work. All of it is also worth it, I'm finding.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Posts: 24
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jpLove Offline OP
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Ss06, thank you. I think I might like you. Haha. smile I appreciate what you're saying, and I know you're right. I hope he'll agree to watch the kids...I know job & family services will cover childcare for me but I'm not an advocate of big government and I'm certainly not one to seek handouts, but it would significantly lessen the blow to the kids if he would watch them instead of my having to send them off to a stranger.

Thank you so much for your input, it's been very valuable to me!

EDITED TO SAY: I hope he'll parent the kids while I work...not watch them. ;-)

Last edited by jpLove; 09/15/14 03:00 AM.

Me: 30
Him: 30
Daughter: 5
Son: 3
Daughter: 1
Started dating: 2008
Married: 2010
He moved out: late 7/14

Currently 180ing & LastResorting
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 183
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Hey, have you considered a job that doesn't require you to leave the house? I mean, I can think of a few off the top of my head.. but what about starting some sort of online business or blog. If you are tech-savvy, they can bring in the bucks!


M: 31 H: 36
T: 10.5 (not married)
BD: 10/13
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Posts: 24
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Vossy, I have considered that but I'm not sure what the options are. I've looked into it a bit and everything that sounds doable that I've found so far, calls for a quiet, distraction free environment which I won't have.


Me: 30
Him: 30
Daughter: 5
Son: 3
Daughter: 1
Started dating: 2008
Married: 2010
He moved out: late 7/14

Currently 180ing & LastResorting
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
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jp, are you good at editing?

I edited masters and PhD thesis for grammatical, typographical and formatting errors (a few for technical language). I charged $20/hr and did it at home on my couch. I requested a hard copy of the document and edited it according to the school's formatting standards. I charged extra if they wanted me to do the edits for them in the document after they'd reviewed them and approved them on the hard copy. I guaranteed my turn around time and I was FAST. This brought me lots of papers. smile

Just an idea.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 183
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Also.. resume/CV writing, typing, transcription, data entry, blogging.

I know one SAH mom who posts things on Facebook via Stella & Dot. As I understand it, it's like an online trunk show and she gets a commission if her friends buy from her.


M: 31 H: 36
T: 10.5 (not married)
BD: 10/13
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 24
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jpLove Offline OP
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Thanks everyone!
I'm back for more advice, if you don't mind.

Before I found this website and DR, I paid $400 for 4 marriage coaching sessions with Dr. Jack Ito. Long story short, he advised me to be agreeable, to work to allow H to believe I'm on his side so that he can become comfortable around me, and he told me that bc I pushed so hard when he left that it could take months to see results. H seems to not be responding at all to what I'm doing, which I think is understandable because it's only been 2 months since he left me. He is still breaking promises and being cold.

Recently a mutual friend of ours told H that he needs to sit down and have a discussion with me in person like an adult and H told him that he won't talk to me face to face because I'm the most manipulative person he's met. Either he is believing lies that he's being told or he has no clue what it means to be manipulative. I've even researched it a bit to be sure that I'm not manipulative because I don't want to be...and if anyone is, based on my research, it's him. But that little tidbit is beside the point. I ALWAYS let him make whatever decisions he wanted and do basically whatever he wanted without making any effort to sway him.

I've been given advice from approximately 5 different people, two of whom are pastors, that I am being too nice and too easy to get along with. They've told me that I need to start standing up and putting my foot down about some things. The friend to whom H said that I'm manipulative thinks that the reason he thinks that is because he knows that I AM a confrontational person, yet I never confronted him...so I must have been trying to "pull the strings from behind the curtain." I think that idea might make sense.

The whole point that people, like my mom & others, are making is that the advice Dr. Ito gave me is basically what I've always done and it obviously didn't work and didn't make H happy, since he left...so why would it make any difference now? So I'm puzzled. Do I ditch the $400 advice that I was given? Or do I continue for a while and expect that it will take a while to work? Should one of my 180's be going from easy to get along with to setting definite boundaries for myself and my children?

What do you think?


Me: 30
Him: 30
Daughter: 5
Son: 3
Daughter: 1
Started dating: 2008
Married: 2010
He moved out: late 7/14

Currently 180ing & LastResorting
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