Me:42 W:41 M:12 T:3 D7, D7, S5 Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months W divorce bomb 6/9/14 Started "in-house separation" 7/2014 W files for D 8/28/14 I move out 9/27/14
I doesn't matter that my wife dropped the bomb over two months ago, and I was living under a lot of stress and uncertainty just from that. But her actually filing for divorce two weeks ago has been a whole different journey.
On the tough side, I am emotionally wiped out many days, have a hard time motivating to do much of anything except the bare minimum. It seems like a bad dream as I have to find a new place to live, plan for the moving date, setting up electric and cable servive, etc. All this stuff I need to do, and I don't want to do any of it. I feel like I am walking to my own hanging, tying my own noose. I just can't believe this is actually going to happen. It is like a bad dream. I feel like the first night in the new place alone is going to be a real emotional collapse for me.
There are some positive moments, where I do feel some peace and a desire to move on to a new stage. I am succeeding at remaining detached from my W, and we are establishing a good cordial working relationship on kid and financial details, etc. In some moments I realize that the old R is dead, and this process is inevitable and at this point nevessary, just to move on to something, anything, new. And I feel a bit of strength, and optimism for the future.
Me:42 W:41 M:12 T:3 D7, D7, S5 Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months W divorce bomb 6/9/14 Started "in-house separation" 7/2014 W files for D 8/28/14 I move out 9/27/14
HopeTex: Am quite familiar with the emotional wipeout from D filing. Took me about 2 weeks to get my feet back under me. Took another two to stop complaining in my internal monologue.
Take a peek at my thread. I have come to grips with the fact that my W divorced me as much as a year ago. So now I have to create something new for myself and hopefully she wants to come along. It has improved my PMA at least 3x. And I can be more consistent as the legal D date approaches.
After all who knows what the 11th hour may hold?
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
We told the kids last night about the impending D. We followed a basic script from the book Putting Children First. The most mature twin had the hardest time, she cried and said over and over "Mommy you said this would never happen." So tough to see. But not quite as horrific as I had always imagined. I find that a lot. I have a very good imagination in terms of imagining the worst possible scenariois, and reality is never as bad as I imagine.
The other twin girls and the 5 year old boy didn't seem to really process it much.
I and the kids are starting DivorceCare at our church tomorrow.
I am still fluctuating between strength/peace, then fear/depression. Ex cerise helps break a down spell. So does good reading about the divorce recovery process. The books DivorceCare and Rebuilding have been very comforting. They show me that others gpfeel the same way I do at the beginning, and also show what the future path to recovery will probably look like.
Me:42 W:41 M:12 T:3 D7, D7, S5 Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months W divorce bomb 6/9/14 Started "in-house separation" 7/2014 W files for D 8/28/14 I move out 9/27/14
Hang in there, HopeTex. It sounds like you're handing the situation with as much grace and dignity as possible, and keeping the kids' needs at the forefront. Glad to hear your reading up on and practicing self-care. Life will get better in time.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
The most mature twin had the hardest time, she cried and said over and over "Mommy you said this would never happen." So tough to see.
Oh, so sad! And look how she called out her mom. I'm so sorry about that, but glad that you all got through it okay.
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Am quite familiar with the emotional wipeout from D filing. Took me about 2 weeks to get my feet back under me. Took another two to stop complaining in my internal monologue.
That's about the timeline I had, same as Shakespr. Even though I thought I was detached, it was so very hard.
HopeTex, keep holding on to the optimism for the future. When I felt especially low, I would think of the things I'd be able to do that Mr. Gritty never wanted to do. Planning for the future is big.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Hopetex, I am wondering about you and hope all is well. Give us an update.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
I am not sure how well I am doing these days. Just one foot in front of the other most days. Dreading moving out of the house and into the apartment this weekend. Just seems so sad and unfortunate. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I fear being alone and lonely. Work is tough because of changes beyond my control so I worry for my job. I am hoping this is just a typical D funk and that things will brighten up sometime soon. Maybe moving out of the house and away from W will be good.
Aside from being down in the dumps, I imagine I am DB'ing ok. No R talks with wife. Just pleasant and calm and all business. Right now I can't imagine her ever wanting to reconcile. But I know there is always hope for that, in the future. She just seems so sure and decided about the divorce and wanting me to move out. Not angry, not mean, just decided.
The only time she opened up a little bit was when I signed myself up for DivorceCare at the church, which meant she will have to wait until they offer it next time. She said she knew I was probably having a tough time but that she was too. She talked about the guilt she felt since everyone knows she is the one pushing the D. Imagine she feels shame too. Unfort what she doesn't appear to feel is that it is also just a really dumb and selfish decision.
I kind of wish she was going to DivorceCare. It might be pretty rough for her, there are about 30 people in the class and as far as I can tell the only ones InThere who filed for D are women who suffered abuse. No WAW's in there. Seems like all people whose spouses left them. Imagine the reception in there would be pretty chilly for a WAW who just filed for D because the relationship was "hard" and not getting better fast enough. Hmm, little anger coming out if me here, eh?
Kids are doing ok so far, however you judge that. They say they are looking forward to seeing Daddy's new apartment.
My eyes are set on this weekend, getting moved out and the new apartment set up, and hopefully cheering up a bit.
D is the worst. Sorry for the general gloominess.
Me:42 W:41 M:12 T:3 D7, D7, S5 Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months W divorce bomb 6/9/14 Started "in-house separation" 7/2014 W files for D 8/28/14 I move out 9/27/14
Up and down day today. When I was down I called close buddies to chat and that helped. Went and signed the lease and got the keys to the apartment, went in and walked around. Kind of surreal, but not terrible. I continue to hope that getting the move done is going to give me some type of relief or new perspective.
Another negative piece of thinking for me has been worrying about whether I can "handle" having the kids with me on my own. I have always been a good dad, but W has been stayed home and always cooked dinner, etc. I am a good cook, but sinc I got married I have specialized in grilling and BBQing, not cooking everyday meals. This is really going to stretch my fatherhood. Worried about getting impatient and angry in the morning getting them ready for school. Worried about all types of things. I like to worry obviously
I get a trial by fire next week, need to get the place set up fast because W is going on a mission trip with church (irony) so I will have the kids for several nights straight. Hoping it goes well and that kids like the new place and staying with me. They are used to the house on a cul de sac with all their friends to play with. Hoping they will find new friends at my apartment complex soon.
Tomorrow is packing day, Saturday is move day. Please Pray for my strength, and some. More positive thinking about the future.
Me:42 W:41 M:12 T:3 D7, D7, S5 Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months W divorce bomb 6/9/14 Started "in-house separation" 7/2014 W files for D 8/28/14 I move out 9/27/14
The only time she opened up a little bit was when I signed myself up for DivorceCare at the church, which meant she will have to wait until they offer it next time. She said she knew I was probably having a tough time but that she was too. She talked about the guilt she felt since everyone knows she is the one pushing the D. Imagine she feels shame too.
I may be wrong, but I'm thinking your W is writing the script to her personal movie, in which she is the one who would need support in a D, not you. LOL.
You going to Divorce Care may remind her that her personal movie is a lie. That other people may understand that her personal movie is just a fiction she's created. You going means you are taking the steps to move forward and heal in a positive way. I doubt very much she'll like that... not that we are focused on what she likes or not.
It's a great little truth dart. And one thing my H has told me was how all of his old friends kept telling him he was wrong to leave. (They say they don't care what other people think, but really... ?)
I read somewhere that when you have a network of friends who believe in your marriage, you're more likely to reconcile. I believe this is why so many MLCers find new friends, LOL.
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worrying about whether I can "handle" having the kids with me on my own. I have always been a good dad, but W has been stayed home and always cooked dinner, etc. I am a good cook, but sinc I got married I have specialized in grilling and BBQing, not cooking everyday meals.
That is a reasonable worry but you'll do fine. Grilling extras can set you up nicely for breakfasts and lunches (meat and eggs, sandwiches, or just leftovers).
And get a crockpot... that is so easy. Load it with a chicken or roast and spices in the morning, and when you come home dinner is almost ready. A couple of bags of prewashed greens, or even a second crock pot going with foil wrapped potatoes inside... you'll be all set.
Planning like this sounds awful, I know, because you don't want to be there, doing all this. You want things to be the way they used to be. But I found that when I really looked at what was bothering me and worked out a solution, I felt better.
Hang in there, buddy.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
