need to GAL

[hope224]

Somehow we came on the topic of him being out of town and he confirmed he went to see this girl he just met. He seemed happy and told me there's just something about her he likes and wants to see where it goes. So, technically he is dating and said they haven't done anything yet. So, i guess he is serious about having a new relationship. I guess if that makes him happy, I shouldn't be bothered but keep working on my 180s. He spent more time with baby today, which makes me happy. He seems ok now, sure the new relationship he wants to start has something to do with it. 180s need to be done cuz i have time, but I need to be the girl he fell in love with. I am hopeful the relationship with OW will fizzle out but I'm so disheartened.

[FunDad]

This guy has no idea the future he is messing up. And yes, you should be concerned about stds. You may consider making him go to the doctor and bringing you a copy of his test results before you allow him to be physical with you. You may need to think about how you communicate to him also, especially if he's a "words of affirmation" love language person, for example:

When we make love, I really enjoy it because you put in a great effort (and I think your hot?); however, I'm VERY concerned that your extra marital affairs may bring in an std into our relationship, and that's not okay. So, I need your help to make sure it's safe for us to be together before we can be intimate again. I think you are a great husband and father, and I'd like for us to work together to make our life completely satisfying for everyone. Can you help with this?

Notice the "sandwich" structure of this statement:

<COMPLEMENT>
<ISSUE TO WORK ON>
<COMPLEMENT>
-------------------------------
<MAKE HIM PART OF THE SOLUTION>

This first part is called sandwiching:
http://www.nurturewithlove.com/conscious-loving-communication/

The second part puts some responsibility on him. He needs to be part of the solution, and really can be. Guys are built to fix things, let him do it. He can fix it; however, if he won't, then you have some tough decisions to make.

Praying this works out for you.

FunDad

[hope224]

Thank you for the support and suggestions. I did ask him to get tested and he has agreed since I made him paranoid with the information I have about STDs and I have told him that I will no longer be participating in any sexual conduct with him for my safety as well as the baby's. I guess I have to read posts on MLC too. I am really sad but I am trying to be patient and consitant.

[FunDad]

Sometimes love must be tough. You are showing him what true love is by accepting him, but not his behavior. It's hard not to be attracted to that. :-)

[MrBond]

You're still talking about events that happened recently. I mean before you were even pregnant. Were you encouraging to him? Did you support him and praise him? Or did that change to nagging?

Write down a list of the things that he had problems with in the M here and write down your plan of action to address each one.

[hope224]

To be honest, I may have slowly became naggy. I feel that I had been supportive of him. I sang him praises because he deserved them. But, I may have mothered him a little more than I should have. We were planning on travels and bucket list but then I got pregnant so things changed a lot and the problem he had with my past bothered him more and more everyday. I had no idea about it because he kept telling me he was happy and there were no problems.
The problems he stated that were in our marriage were:
1) we didn't do anything anymore ( planning on GAL activities and working on it. eg. going to the gym, going out with friends, doing fun activities)
2) I kept telling him he deserved better. ( never say this ever, even if by some miracle our M gets restored)

I don't remember much but he told my mum that I was not the same person that he married. about a month ago, he did mention that even if somehow happen to reconcile, we were not having any more babies.So, it gives me hope because we sort of had feelings of a new relationship a month ago but I probably screwed that up by being too clingy and interested and giving.

MY plan now is to be the woman he fell in love with. I have always wanted to have a great body(because of his influence in health) and I know that he wanted me to achieve my goal in that. But, its not just for him. Ive wanted to exercise and be healthy too. I will also start dressing better, which he has noticed already. He asked me the other day why i keep wearing low cut outfits all the time. I told him i just grabbed what was available even though I make sure to look good cuz it gets his attention. I used to be more outgoing. I will work on being just that by working out a schedule for the baby. I was independent too and I am showing him that by doing as many things as possible on my own and he has noticed that too. But, I just need to be back to my attractive confident self before I notice any changes. H tells me i am the only one he can talk to but I am only going to listen to him and zip my mouth. I read a bunch of forums on that yesterday.

But, love is tough. I had a rough day yesterday and cried a lot because of his interest in the OW. But, I know I have to be patient and persistent and keep making list of my plan of action. Thanks Mr. Bond.

And FunDad, I accept his MLC( i think thats what he is going through)because i keep thinking of the vow and I am just looking at this period like its his time to get evrything out of his system.I know he has regrets and this is his time to get rid of it all.

[hope224]

just wanted to update incase someone was looking for hope or having a similar sitation as mine.

H has been texting a lot more now. I try not to text him or ask him much anymore. The only time i text him is if it has something to do with the baby. I have been trying to do things that does not involve him. As far as my 180 goes, just talking to him nicely or texting as though i am happy, without any negative implications. It's just been a week or so since I last saw him.
So, he has been texting me about being intimate when he gets back. I told him I'd only be comfortable after he gets tested. I think the OW he saw briefly has gone back to her country or something. I also told him I am not comfortable doing so when he is dating someone. He told me he isnt dating anyone but he may just have been saying it. I made it clear to him that the only way i would even consider is if he has no stds and i needed to see results.
I was also really pleasant when he mentioned he went to see the OW last weekend. I told him that I hope he is happy. So, yesterday he texted me to see if I could come over and spend the weekend with him. And, i told him I was thinking of going out if he could watch the baby. He agreed and asked if I would still stay over, granted that I didnt go home with someone else. I just replied that I wasn't into that and that i'd like to find another him to which he responded saying that he felt really alone all the time and that he wanted to talk to me when he got back from out of town. I was surprised to hear that. Then he called me to talk about it a little. I kept saying i just wanted him to be happy. When we talked, he told me that he wants to just lay in bed with me, not just have sex but just lay and spoon. I was really shocked to hear this.

But, this could all be his loneliness talks. Who knows what could actually happen. He is probably having withdrawals from me.lol. But, I am waiting to see what he has to say and hoping he has good things to say. But, I also know that this could just be a temp fluke because he hasn't had any action down there. I know he is lonely but I hope he will recommit to working on or marriage. I am hopeful but I still have to apply everything that I read in the book(at least try really hard).

Hope things will go well soon.

[Shakspr]

hope224...you are showing love and wisdom far beyond your years. Whether you realize it or not, you are becoming a woman only a fool would leave. Do as I am doing - today. Write down your 180s, even if you have before, and recommit. Now is the time.

Best of luck to you.

[hope224]

H got back in town sooner than expected. He confessed to me that he was lonely. I had gone to see him since he had been flirting a lot with me through text. He also wanted to see the baby. Then later, we had a nice moment and it was as though my 'real husband' was back for some time. He was really sensitive and treated me and hugged me the way he always used to. He has not said anything else. we talked about the problem we had and how he cant trust me. but it isnt resolved yet. He is still talking to OW who has left the country and will maybe come back next year. I dont really know where we stand.It is a progress from where we were but I dont know what to do. I know i have to do 180s still but do i just follow his lead and still detach or do i slowly spend time with him? i am so confused. He wanted the baby and I to spend the weekend with him. It seems like he misses being family since he is all on his own for the most part. I wonder if this is just a temporary thing. Does anyone have any experience with such situations?

[Shakspr]

Hope224 - I ask because I am one - is your spouse a current/former soldier? This may matter, it may not. But I am interested.