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daring #2488404 09/14/14 08:44 PM
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So today is 1yr anniversary of BD- and H seems to be a bit all over the place. Who knows if it's that or if he even remembers.

S7 stayed with him last night and he brought him back over around the time I was leaving for my massage ( figured I needed to do something nice for myself today).

I have colleagues coming over today and I had told him he was welcome to stay and swim but he decided to leave a little while ago.
I said " oh you don't want to stay?" He said it's not a matter of want ( there goes that thinking again). He said his attitude right now is not good for anyone and that I deserve better. He seems angry. Says it's all him and his own issues.

Ok- peace out- I have my own things to do today......


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
daring #2488452 09/15/14 12:00 AM
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Leave him alone and he'll come home, wagging his tail behind him. grin

You know I'm all about reaching out to them in sitches like ours daring, but is all the asking him how he's feeling/doing, or asking if he wants to join you and friends helping or hurting? I don't know, just something for you to think about.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Interesting food for thought FY- I guess I feel like it's something I " should" be doing ( the asking about him part at least- the inviting I didn't do initially but he seemed hurt so I told him he was welcome to hang out also).
He asks about me and he just seems so emotional I want to give him an opportunity to talk or share if he needs to.
There are a lot of awkward, silent, not much to say moments too and sometimes I fill them with those kinds of check-ins.
I'll have to try and step back and see if it is making things worse or better.
Right now it seems he is just incredibly restless and unhappy- my people pleaser fix it senses are on overdrive and I have to consciously redirect myself away from doing anything about it much of the time. I know this is his journey to take.


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
daring #2488856 09/16/14 01:29 AM
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This is all such a process- one min I'm done with him, the next min I'm not.

Today at work I was frustrated thinking about the men in marriages I've met recently and how loving and stable they seem. ( yes I realize you never know what's going on behind closed doors, but it did make me think of my own M history and how long this MLC unrest has really been going on).

H called and suggested we switch vehicles for the week since he is traveling and I am picking up kids ( his truck has more room than my car). That was very thoughtful. Then he texted some things later and asked what time I would be home as he needed to get some things at the store before traveling tomorrow. ( I'm thinking to myself- what did you do all yesterday when you had no children???) Monday is always one of my later days and he knows that.

So I'm driving home and I'm listening to my empowering 80s music ( no laughing here :)) and thinking about how I can start over and find a man who will be mature and genuine.
I get to the house and then H walks in with the kids. He says " you do not look happy- from the moment I walked in you looked frustrated". Oops- guess my face wore my thoughts. I said I'm fine, just tired, Mondays are always busy. He looked at me with the " I know you better than that face" but didn't say anything else.
He teased me a little about the sexy shirt I had on and told me my eyes looked pretty. I stayed distant and we chatted about S16 counselor appt and couple other things. I made a comment about how S16 was covering up what he really thinks with counselor and H says " like you when you hate me but are still smiling at me?" I told him I didn't hate him ( and that's true- but I am irritated as sh!t!!).
At one point when putting some things together for him to take with him he asked- are you ok?
( see FY- this is what I mean- I feel like I should reciprocate but maybe that's the wrong move)
I said I was fine- then he reached to hug me. He held me for awhile,it was an emotion filled hug. I pulled away first and then he walked out of the house after telling me again I looked nice.

I realize the above is just a stream of consciousness. Just needed to put it down on paper.
At least my detachment has progressed to the fact that I know I will be ok with or without him.


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
daring #2488894 09/16/14 04:08 AM
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W and I had, and sometimes still have, plenty of those awkward silent periods. I've learned to be comfortable with them. The quietness is not going to make or break the relationship.

Just be yourself. If you feel like mentioning something go ahead and do it. The only thing I'd avoid now is relationship talks. They are not helpful at this point.

I like to think of it as a dance. When my W is opening up and connecting, I do the same. If she's pulling back or being distant, I give her space.

You know your H better than any of us, so just pay close attention and take notes.

Don't fool yourself with fantasies of a dream partner. D is very painful, something to avoid if at all possible! New relationships offer no guarantee. Plus, since you have kids H and you will never be truly "Done" with each other. Go ahead and fantasize if it helps you deal with things, but you're far from done!

Last edited by ForeverYoung; 09/16/14 04:09 AM.

M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Working on being comfortable in those silent moments. I can be in a room or nearby in silence. It's the moments where we are there looking into each other's eyes saying nothing but speaking volumes that gets me. The raw vulnerability is tough in that moment. But I guess that's my issue-huh??

I think I might have conveyed the wrong message when I mentioned being done or fantasizing etc. I know we will always be connected, both because of children and because we really do have a deep emotional connection- even H has said that. I don't plan to initiate a D at any point in the near future. I think my " done" comments and thinking about other relationships are my way of convincing myself that I can continue to detach and I will be ok and will find happiness if this goes in a way I don't want it to and have no control over.
I'm trying to get to the point where I can envision him never coming back to this relationship and me moving on. Not because I want to, but because I might have to.

This is so hard as I am a very deeply sensitive person and either all in or all out. Granted I had built up some walls that I am working very hard on tearing down and rebuilding in healthy ways- but I've never had an exit strategy- always a " need to work it out within the context of the current relationship" strategy.
I don't know how to somewhat protect my heart and get off the roller coaster while still being open with him......


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
daring #2489637 09/18/14 12:13 AM
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Starting to hit my " I'm overwhelmed" point. Not even the S/potential D but fallout related to it is much of what is stressing me.
D13 has always been a little more on the anxious side but is now having horrible panic attacks and a fear of death and questioning her belief in God and heaven. Much of this is normal adolescent searching but it is compounded by the current situation. I think she is afraid of that feeling of loss- just like our MLCers and us- but at least we are adults.
At first she denied it had anything to do with her dad and I but then talking to our neighbor she admitted that was a lot of it, especially since this all happened around her birthday last year and she just had her birthday. ( I hope she doesn't associate those two forever).

I'm trying my best to support and help her and also getting her in with a therapist. H is helping too but it's more from afar and on the phone- either b/c he is traveling or b/c she doesn't want to go to his apt and stay. So I'm feeling the burden of this heavily.
Nanny is also going on vacation and I start call for the week on Monday. Have to meet with the tax lawyer tomorrow and a few of the employees at the office are creating major drama.
Apparently God is trying to remind me to lean on His strength because mine alone isn't enough for all of this...... My IC says I'm doing pretty well considering. And I learned I've lost 12lbs since my physical last year.
Focusing on the positive and what I can control.....


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
daring #2489670 09/18/14 01:55 AM
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daring,

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. It sounds like there is a lot going on, and about to get tougher next week. When my kids are hurting, that alone can just about take me out.

I'm not in a place to offer advice due to some brain-fry and lack of experience.... But I'm here for support . ((((HUGS))))

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