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I'm posting partly to journal, and partly to keep myself from reaching out to H. I made it through this day.

I know, based on the whole crazy sitch, this doesn't make sense. But I really really wanted to ask H how his move went today. WWHHHAAAAAATTTT????? Yeah. I know. Don't worry, I didn't. But, it was hard not to. I wanted to check in. I wanted to know he was ok. I wanted to know if it was real, in a way. I wanted to drive by the house, and see if it was dark. I didn't. I'm trusting this is the right thing to do, even though it felt wrong for me to not check on him.

Then words from this board stopped me.

If I am always there offering help and fixing, he can't do what he needs to do. It becomes about me, and whether I can fix it for him. I'm a distraction. He doesn't want to be married to me right now, and I heard him. He knows I love him. He has to do this. He knows how to reach me. Let him lead. Let him go. Let him walk his journey. Love him enough to let him. This is his journey. I have my own to walk. And, apparently, a mirror to look into.... (Cue a couple more kicks and screams.)

Another thing I realized, is the message that it sends, if I'm always there fixing and checking. It sends the message that I don't think he's capable of doing things himself. He may not be now. But he has to get there in his time, in his way. Not mine. I HURT for him like nothing I've ever felt. I've seen him so low. I love him so much. But, there isn't a dang thing I can do. Ouch.

The word "can't" was jokingly referred to as a "swear word" in my house. Growing up, I wasn't allowed to say "can't". The quote from Henry Ford, "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't.... You're right." I lived by that. And I could do almost everything. If not, I figured it out. I just had to learn how. Had to. I'm only 5'4" and I can change a tire, fix computers, paint, draw, build, problem solve, negotiate, network, I rock at puzzles, I taught myself how to do an aerial cartwheel cuz it looked cool, I taught myself to write with both hands when I was 10...(ok, that was totally nerdy), knit, sew, French braid, cook, dance...EVERYTHING. If I wanted to know, I learned. I achieved everything I have ever set as a goal. Personal, business, family..... The formula worked.

But it doesn't work here. I can't fix this. I can't fix this. I can't fix this. Or, if you're T, "Fix this, I can't."

That thought makes me mad. But this isn't a business thing, or a goal I can just plan and do. This is big stuff, and I'm not God.

And I have SSSOOOOOOOOOO much more to learn.

There was another part of me that saw a different perspective after hearing those words in my head. I want H to not have me check on him, because this is an especially tough thing, and a big change for him. I wanted him to have every opportunity to feel all that. That was not in any way wishing H pain. I do not. I wish him the experience of the lesson. I'm staying out of his way so he can learn it. I just really wanted him to have that lesson hit tonight. Time will tell....

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Hey Shining. You did a really good job. That is really tough, but I think you did exactly what you needed to do to get yourself through it.

Your thoughts were very similar to mine when I was learning how to detach like that. You did the right thing by coming here instead. I hope it really helped you get through the night.

I know the feeling of just wanting to 'help' him or 'fix' him. You are right though, he has to do this on his own. It may even help to remind yourself, if he gets through this and he is able to truly come back and work towards r, it will be better bc he will have to 'fix' the damage then. It would have more meaning for both of you. You are worth having someone put the effort into you and a r with you. You do not have to do all the heavy lifting.

I also think having him experience you not checking in on him is a good thing. Hopefully he thought about it, but you can't guarantee he did. It does not mean he wont in the future, but YOU got through it. It gets easier every time you do that. You are on your way to much healthier thinking. You understand that he has to experience this, he has to learn this. So do you, Shining. You are worth him making the effort. He needs time. This won't be the last night of wanting to call him or reach out somehow. You need to take care of you.

All those amazing things you put your mind to and accomplish, that is awesome. That is exactly what you need to do again. Notice that they didn't have anything to do with anyone else but you. Do that again. You are right, you can't do this for him, but you can do this for you.

You did it, Shining. You are worth the effort. You are worth taking care of you. You rock out your aerial, girl! Go ahead with yo' bad self.

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Attagirl, S. You got through the urge. You redirected, you self talked and you did it.

I understand you wanting him to feel that. Be careful there, ya know?

So, a little more about the mirrors I mention and my friends write about.

One day I went to my therapist. I said that I realized that I saw myself as if in a mirror. But it was a mirror reflecting back what my mother and xh saw. When I looked in it, I saw who they decided I was.

She said, ok, so what does that mean you have to do? I swear it was like a lightning bolt hit me. I said, I need to get new mirrors. I needed to see what others see. People who were healthy and whole.

So, I listened and watched. I took in how people responded to me. I read what people wrote to me. There were mirrors everywhere. Out there and the people on here.

It took a while to believe what I saw and read, having used the old mirrors for so long.

I allowed myself to be made to feel unworthy and incapable with my old mirrors. With my new mirrors, I saw my worth, my strength.

I realized the most important mirror was the one where I really and truly saw me.

S, I see such strength in you. I see you wanting to get to where you need to be.

Those feelings of wanting to fix dont serve you well. They never really did because the truth is that we cant fix another person. We cant fix their circumstances. We cant fix their insecurities or their lack of self worth. We cant make them happy. Even if we could, we shouldnt.

We take away from them if we try. We take away their drive, their worth, their strength.

They have to fix all that stuff from within. The best way to love them is to let them because when they do it themselves, they can soar.

You are right, he knows you love him. He knows where you are. He knows where to find you.

So, let's keep digging in so you can be your best self. That's the amazing part in all of this.

Find your footing. Get good and strong. Then if and when he looks towards you, you get to decide what you want from a place of strength.

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Ok, so, the mirrors....(takes in a suuuuuuper deeeeeeep breath....)

I completely get what you felt with the xh and mother mirrors. I do exactly that. I don't even know who the real me is.

I was told by many in my family, that I lost who I was with H#1. I became so insecure. I hid. It was bad. I lost my voice, my opinion, and I seriously thought near the end, I was losing my mind. At work, I owned and ran a successful business for 14 years. I made huge decisions, had 12 employees, and a rather nice sized following of business. At home? I was viewed as too incompetent to load a dishwasher.

When I met current H, that was one of the biggest positive things I heard. My family said I was still myself around him, and they were relieved. He wasn't like xh at all. But...... The last 2 years, I got lost again.

When we started having problems, it was the same time when H S21 moved in. The conflicts began, and they were bad. This wasn't a typical "left his socks out" or "didn't do the dishes" kind of conflict. It was ss21 rude, inappropriate comments to me and my kids, lack of respect for all of us, including H. There were temper tantrums, and things broken. It was scary. SS was used to a physically and verbally abusive, volatile household before us. He brought that with him. I did get upset with S21 at times, but I was more frustrated with H lack of attention to it. I do not blame s21 for our marital problems. But the timing of everything changing was exactly then. The craziest things started coming out of H mouth. The most irrational explanations for protecting his S from being responsible for himself....all the rules we set for our household were out the window. Before ss21 moved in, my kids had such a tight R with H. Exceptionally great. But after, my kids and I were to blame for everything. At first, I fought back. But that made it worse. I just couldn't figure this out...it didn't make sense. Why can't we talk about this stuff? We talked about stuff before...but H absolutely could not be open to hearing anything when it came to ss21. Crazy. The result? Yep, again, I lost myself in this confusion while trying to avoid conflict, keep a peaceful household, explain the unexplainable to my kids....oh. They were not happy. But to H, this was my fault.

I went to IC. He suggested I explore my boundaries. So I did. I actually came across my notes from that time, TODAY. I wrote what I learned, and how I tried to apply it. Nothing worked. I started to think this must not be it, then... It was confusing. Some of the arguments we had got so crazy. So full of blame. I decided my new efforts were causing this problem, and.....drumroll please......you betcha......I stopped.

Why? Because I thought if only I could change, I could fix it. And that technique didn't work. So I needed to try others.

I read books like crazy. Step-parenting, relationship/marriage books, conflict resolution. communication, forgiveness, getting past your past, how to respond to blame, low self-esteem, setting boundaries with adult children....to name a few. I never chased H around the house with self-help books, though. I sometimes shared what I was learning, but I never insisted it was him. It was me. I needed to change. I took all the bullets. I made myself an easy target. I thought I could fix this if I just fixed me. Then, when it kept getting worse, I thought, well there ya go......proof. I was "unfixable."

I thought it was easier for me to take the blame and do all the changing, improving, and all the fixing. Why on earth would anyone do that? Why would I assume all the work and all the pain for both of us? That's so ridiculous.

This is the pattern we had, and it's a big reason I struggle to let go. Because I feel responsible for it all. I MADE myself responsible for it all. That's not even right. Writing this is painful.....

I'm guessing there are reasons people do this. Is it the co-dependence? Is it the fixer-personality? Is it that I'm trying to hurt myself??? It doesn't make sense, but that's what I did. ....do. I still do. Why do I do this!? And how do I stop? How do I change that kind of thinking? And if I'm such a strong person, why do I hide my strength and choose to be this?

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Shining, so much of what you wrote resonated with me. I was there. I did that. I felt that.

I took the blame for all of it. For everything. If I had been better, did better, was stronger, more capable, if I spoke up, if I kept quiet....

After BD, I went to see my therapist, I walked in, sat down, squeezed myself as far into the corner of the couch as I could and said....this is all my fault. All of it.

She said, 'You mean he had no part in it?" I said, No. None. It was me. I wasnt a good enough wife."

After a lot of work, I realized, who did I think I was...having so much power that I could be the blame for all of that?

We just dont have that kind of power, S. We really dont. We have to own what is only ours. Give everyone else their stuff.

I could guess why you do it, but, it's more important for you to figure that out.

For me, it was what I knew. It was a pattern I developed over my life that I bought into. We do what we know.

But the pattern can be broken. You just have to know why you did it and choose something different. It will feel really uncomfortable at first. But when you can really believe that you only have control over you....you are there. smile

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uRworthy, ^^^ all of that hit me like a ton of bricks.

I've been taking ALL the blame. Part of me feels like that's not right but it makes me feel like I have control but you're right... that's an awful lot of power to befall one person, isn't it? Wow.

I need to sit with that for a while. You just smacked me back into reality BIG TIME.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Alright, my head is full of crazy questions. My thought process frequently argues both sides. I have a hard time knowing what I want because of this, lol....

So, the power part.... I cognitively know I don't have that kind of power....

But do I really know? It is a very egotistical way of thinking, isn't it? To think I can fix, change, control.... Egotistical to me means self-centered. Selfish, self serving.... Maybe?

Does insecurity come with a side of self centered -ness? But the low self-worth part... That is the thing that keeps me giving in. Because he is worth more than I am. His needs are more important than mine.

But if I give in, does that have an expectation of controlling the outcome....

Here's an overthought question.... Can a person (ok, me) be egotistical, and believe they have so much power, they can choose to give it away to serve the situation?

And is that being selfish, or generous?

Did that even make sense....

I don't even know where I was going with that. I'm not sure where to look.

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Ok, S, I had to read your post several times. LOL!

I am going to tell you what I perceived as my thought processes in my marriage. When I met him, I was just beginning to find me and my voice. I was becoming confident and self assured.

He liked that about me. But there was another part of him who liked to be in control and who wanted to take care of me.

My feelings of confidence were very new and raw. I was really young.

Slowly, over time, he wanted more and more control. Slowly, over time, I wanted less for him to take care of me and more for him to really respect me.

He chipped away at who I was becoming. I let him. After awhile I fell back into what I knew. Always trying to do the right thing. Always trying to be the best wife. In his eyes, I fell short.

So, he kept chipping away and I kept allowing him to. I kept trying to fix it, which made him dig in for more control. Round and round we went until I became really small.

When this all happened I had completely lost me. I decided that it was all my fault because I wasnt good enough. I knew how to feel like that really well. I aced it.

But as I worked through all of this I realized some things. I didnt have power over what he thought or felt. I didnt have the power to change him. Whatever he thought or felt, was his.

So, I looked closely at me. I saw that I was a good wife. I made mistakes, for sure. But, the bottom line was the I loved him as best I could. I honored our marriage. I had his back.

He was wrong. Plain and simple. Could I have done things better? Sure. Could he have? Ayep. The difference is that I owned my stuff. I was no longer willing to own his, nor was I willing to think that I had so much power that I could be completely to blame for any problems in our marriage.

Nope. There are two people in one. I know who I am. I know my shortcomings and my strengths.

Whatever I did or didnt do in my marriage was never with the intent to cause it or my xh harm. I think that makes all the difference.

No one is worth more than me. No one gets to decide my worth but me. No one is more important than I am.

So, is it egotistical to think that you have that kind of power? I dont know. Is it? Or is it more that you have hopes that you have that power because if you do, you can change things. If you can change things, then you are ok.

Does insecurity come with a side of self centeredness? Maybe. Does it matter? I'm thinking not.

If you give in, does that have an expectation of controlling the outcome? Yes. I believe it does. We do what we need to do sometimes in order to be ok.

Can you believe you have so much power you can give it away to serve the situation? Yes, you can believe that. But is it true?

Here's the thing. Once you figure out why you want to fix and control, you can go about changing it.

For me, I knew I did it because I wanted to be accepted and loved. When I realized that I could be accepted and loved without fixing things, well, that made all the difference.

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Thank you, uR...sorry for my post being all over....my mind is like Tigger sometimes.

Your posts always hit deep. I'm going to soak this in a while and try to slow myself down.... I'm just feeling different today.

By the way, my mother's LL is acts of service. I'm sure that means nothing, huh..... wink

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Never be sorry for what you are thinking, S. They are your thoughts, so they matter.

I like Tigger. He is my favorite in the Pooh stories. wink

And yea, interesting about your mom. Come to think of it, so was mine....ruh roh. LOL!

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