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pbetra #2488170 09/13/14 07:21 PM
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Thanks, pb.

I mailed H his mail. Among other things, there was a Jury Duty envelope for him and his truck registration reminder from the state where it is registered (I guess the contact address is still here.) I sent it priority mail which comes with tracking number. I saw it got there on Thursday. It goes to his buddy’s office address (this guy gives him subcontracting work.) I’m pretty sure they at least notified him about the mail. BUT… Again… I don’t hear any “thank you for sending my mail” words… BTW, there was a Playboy in that mail too. And why would he not change his address to another state, so he could vote there and serve Jury Duty? Why is he still registered here? Oh, I know… There is not anyone who would be taking care of his mail and forwarding it to him when he goes to the vacation home for the winter. Then it would be in his best interests to at least let me know that received the mail.

Maybe I should start charging for the services and send an Invoice every time I send his mail. What an ungrateful a$$. I just cannot understand how this guy who was always very polite and acknowledged any favors to him from other people, can become this kind of j!rk. I wish I would know the reasoning he has for this. There has to be one.

He is supposed to travel today, so he could attend the wedding tomorrow. I’m glad it is tomorrow, so after that I can put it behind me for good.


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Heather, you've been at this for how long? Do you think it just took time for you to realize that you don’t want to be married to this guy, regardless of somebody pushing you to do this? And even then, you say that “I'm not sure I would ever be able to be married to him again...” So, you are not discounting this possibility 100%. So, what gives? If he would want to come back, would you find some excuses why this time it would be better and he is not damage and worthless after all? Just asking… Just trying to understand why I have so much resistance when I get an advice “just divorce him already and everything will get in place”, and why some people welcome this kind of advice and say that they need to be “pushed”.


Bright,

First off, I really don't have an opinion on what's best for you in your situation. I respect the he!! outta anyone on this board-including you. We all know heartbreak in a profound way and we are all doing the best we can to move forward.

I'm sorry if you felt offended in any way by what I said.

Let me make this clear. I will always...ALWAYS love my husband. And, I will always consider him, in some way...my husband. I cherish the vows we took.

IF Smokey called me today and said..."I'm going to rehab. I want back in" I would, without question, support him in getting the help I feel he needs. I would try to be there for him. Would I be his wife again in the same I was before??? NOT A CHANCE. I'm different now. He would have to do some heavy lifting and deep trenching to catch up to me now.

In my case...my H has been in a relationship with another woman for 3 years now. He has virtually disappeared from our lives and caused some major financial havoc with his inconsistencies. I have been forced to take some legal action in order to protect myself and the kids.

I really believe that the vows two people take are very sacred, intimate and between those two people only. All I know is that, for me, it's been an important part of the journey for me to stand up for my rights. Smokey has struggled with substance abuse since a teenager. Addicts are fabulous manipulators and I was expertly manipulated for years and years. The distance I've maintained in the past six months or so, especially, have given me a new perspective.

This process, for me, has been about reclaiming my power...I've needed to reach a point where I stop apologizing, crying over spilt milk and get on with living my life.

I'm not saying that MY Way is the only way...But, I do think the key to this process isn't about focusing on the MLC-er...but, focusing on ourselves. I allowed someone to drive my bus for a long time...even when he was out partying, having sex with the OW, going on vacations without me, spending our money on someone else, etc...where was I?? I was home crying over my lost love.

Do I think he is worthless? Not a chance. He is one of the funniest, silliest, smartest people I ever met. Am I going to put MY life on hold any longer for someone who has made it clear as a neon sign he doesn't want me in his life? Nope.

He knows where to find me. He has my number. If and when he is ready to do the work, he can give me a call. Until then, I may just go on another date with the Forester.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LoisB #2488274 09/14/14 03:11 AM
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Hey Bright. Sorry you are still dealing with some of this. It is so frustrating to see how disrespectful they can be to us for no reason. He is one mixed up guy (one of many...).

Is there anyway you could change his address to the one you are fwd it to? Or ask him to? That is such a pain to always have to do that. Maybe tell him to or you will mark, "return to sender." It is not fair for him to expect you to continue to do that for him.

Honestly, it sounds like he just doesn't care much about the mail. If he is depressed, it is probably one of his biggest concerns. I believe when you feel so lost and confused, you tend not to worry much about things. You are so unfocused, and think that as long as it is not imminent or dire, you don't really bother until you really need to.

I'm sorry you are still struggling with some thing. I feel like I will for awhile, too. I get better, but then I cycle back. It is a long haul for us lbsers, that's for sure. I think there a different factor that come into play as to how we move along in this. You will get there, Bright. Find a way to do it without focus on him. You got this. Just like AJ told me, it is a matter of perception. I am going to keep practicing this. I am trying to take myself out of things and look at if from an outside perspective. Easy for me to say this after coming off (or during??) quite an emotional week where I've been quite.... reactive. But, I try to change my perception- it gets me grounded quicker. I am hoping it moves me right along. Chin up, Bright!

Mighty #2488326 09/14/14 11:33 AM
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Bright,

I read your words again this morning and I think I have a better grasp of what you were asking. I'm sorry if I overreacted. Filing for divorce is the last thing I EVER wanted to do and I'm sensitive over it.

You and I have been at this about the same amount of time. And, I know you deeply love your H.

If you are feeling pressure on these boards to do one thing over another...you can ask people to back off. I've had to clarify my feelings, from time-to-time, in order to empower myself and remember that I the only one making these decisions. It's a heavy burden.

You, my friend, are a wonderful lady. You deserve all the beauty and fun the world has to offer. Whether you do this married or single isn't my concern...as long as you allow yourself to enjoy the life you've been given.

Honestly, if it weren't for the financials and the kids...I may not file. For me, this is the smartest, soundest decision for right now.

I trust the opinions on these boards. In MY case, Smokey was pretty messed up before he ventured into the tunnel. I remember Bea once said that MLC-ers come in two varieties: people that always had serious issues but managed to fake it for years and years OR people that really had great marriages and, then, Snapped.

Smokey was always messed up. I knew that then. I loved him and hoped for the best.

You are going to be OK. You are loved no matter what you decide.

Don't compare your situation to anyone's but your own. I think Job and others have commented that your H seems to be of the gentle variety and tries to reach out to you for silly reasons. That's a good thing.

No one says that about Smokey...Job has commented that he will probably be one of those that just remains lost. I trust this opinion. It fits with what I know.

I've had to get honest with myself, in my case, that Smokey has been somewhat content with his new life. While I've been pining for him...he has settled into a new life for himself with someone else. Yes, it bites...but, it's not stopping me from starting a new life of my own.

Bright, you handle this...one way or another.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Bright,
I know that you and I have had a discussion about the mail situation before, but have you considered asking your h to put in a change of address, i.e. a post office box in the town where he normally would pick up his mail instead of his buddy's office address? It can get expensive and it does put a burden on you to get the mail packaged up and sent on to him, etc.

I sense that this mail situation is a connection that you are hesitant to end, but at some point, you'll need to decide whether or not it's a good thing for you because it appears that there is some resentment in the fact that he doesn't acknowledge your efforts with "thank you for sending my mail". If this resentment continues to grow, it's going to eat at you and you don't need the frustration. Your h takes you for granted and "assumes" that you will take care of his mail for him and will send it on to him and yes, even get emails from you advising him of what's important in the package.

He's depressed and doesn't think about the consequences of his actions, i.e., not changing his address, etc. In a way, the mail is a connection to home, a home he's not lived in for quite a while, but he needs to have his mail come directly to him and be a big boy about this. Forwarding mail on to someone and having to send it certified or registered mail can get expensive. You might gently remind him of the expense if he should post a "thanks". If he offers to pay you, accept the money and then let it go. In his foggy mind, he may not realize the costs involved in getting his mail forwarded to him.

Bright, you and only you can determine what's best for you in your current situation. However, I do sense that you are harboring a lot of resentment and some rumblings of anger these days and your h and his family have been taking up a lot of your head space and I think it may be due, not only to the mail, but the wedding. I don't see you putting the wedding behind you after today. It's still going to be something that is in the back of your mind and you'll think about it periodically and the anger/resentment will bubble up. Feel the emotions and then let them go. Yes, it hurt that neither you or your son were invited, the bride and her mother evidently made some choices that weren't thought out and I'm sorry about how this went down for you and your son.

Bright, you will know when you've had enough and want to move forward. No one can tell you when to do this. One of the hardest things to do when reading other threads is not to compare your situation to theirs and try to pigeon hole your situation w/theirs. You can't put a round peg in a square hole. Each situation is different because of the personalities, history and dynamics involved around the break down of the relationship, therefore the advice may or may not be a good fit for each and every poster. Take what you can from the advice and leave the rest in the dust. If something isn't working, try something different.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2488392 09/14/14 07:08 PM
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Heather, thanks you for coming back and clarifying your post. I know that I overreact too. This probably was the case when I replied on Shining’s thread. And I had my response yesterday, but didn’t post. I’m glad I didn’t. This morning I have a more reasonable response, I hope.

Heather, I’m not in any way offended by what you said. My response was more to kml’s post. I have a problem when people tell other people what to do before they can go through the process on their own, I admit that. I value kml’s opinion as much as some other vets here, but their responses surprise the heck out of me sometimes. Your reply to that post was that you agreed with that you need to be pushed to do certain things. I don’t think so. You’ve gone a long way to get to where you are now, and I admire that. So, other people need that time too. I absolutely agree with what you say here. And believe me, I’ve been there… I had my first xh, who is the father of my son, to disappear out of my son’s life. He never gave a sh!t about him, except when it was for a show. He never contributed anything to my son’s education or anything else.

My second H raised my son from age 8, and now he’s also disappeared out of my son’s life.
So, I get it… I get it all. I can’t say that I will always love my first xh. I just don’t. He was (and is) a selfish SOB and he cheated on me. It was my decision to D him, and I’m glad I did. So, I do have an experience in making that kind of decision.

With the second H it was different. I think I was more mature and I did love him in a different way, in more mature way I would say.

The point is that I had a problem with klm’s post questioning Shining why she would not file for D herself. My problem is with the advice from some veterans on this board, especially the once who've been here for a loooong time, when they say that LBSs should not waste their time analyzing, over thinking, waiting, etc. about their WASs, because they know from their experiences that IT IS A WASTE OF TIME. Well, did THEY listen to the advice when they were going through this? I’m sure they did have this kind of advice. But, they did what they had to do, they needed time to come out on the other side wiser. So, why not to allow other people to do the same?

And the point is that I’m not saying that their advice is wrong, I just want to know why.

Heather, sorry, if I came across as harsh or sounded offended. It is not about you, you just happened to respond to that post agreeing with the point. In no way I’m saying that you were wrong. I’ve been following you for some time (even though I don’t post much) and I know how much you’ve accomplished and how far you’ve come. I also agree with you that in your situation you are choosing what is best for you and your girls. I admire your strength and determination. You too are an absolutely wonderful lady.

Maybe I should not read other threads when I’m frustrated. This was one of the times when I come to this board for support and start looking for something that would give me the answers. This was one of these times when I felt disconnected from the world, nobody to talk to, nobody who cares. So, maybe I overreacted, maybe it was a subconscious way to get some attention. Very often I feel invisible on this board.

I’m not that exiting of a poster as some, my sitch in pretty stagnant, I’m not posting too much of insightful stuff about myself, hence not giving other people an opportunity to give me an advice and I’m not very stubborn either (like Makingmagic, LOL.) A lot of my posts are just ignored. Sometimes I feel plain stupid, like I don’t belong here.

I don’t want to complain. There are a number of wonderful people who check up on me pretty regularly, including a couple of vets like Job and Bea, and I’m very grateful. I guess at this point I just feel stuck. I’m trying to find the way out. I don’t know if I make sense here.

Heather, I really appreciate that you came back to post to me. It means a lot. Thank you.


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Mighty, he has an office address where he works. I know that he is renting a room too. He did it last year too, from a different guy and he asked me to forward his mail to that address. But, when he is done working (cannot do the work in the winter over there), he goes to live in our vacation home in Mexico. He does have a PO box in a border city close to that place (2 hour drive to the border.)

He prefers his mail coming to my house, so he would not have to worry about re-addressing it 2 times a year and asking somebody to check in both places when the address is not changed on time. I’m a very reliable source for this.

Job, yes, this subject keeps coming back. Well, this is almost the only thing I can discuss these days, since there is pretty much silence from H. It also shows that I need to work on my ability to say “NO”. When I think about what I wrote above and how inconvenient it would be to have the mail constantly redirected to different places, I’m hesitant to push H to take an action. I guess I just feel sorry for him. Plus, this is not that big of a deal for me, to send his mail once a month. And it only cost me about $6, it is not going to break me. I only mentioned that I need to start charging him for it because I hope it will make a point and remind him that this is not my duty, I’m doing him a favor. Most of the time I’m ok with that, but sometimes I get angry and just want him to disappear.

I think that you are right that the mail is also one of the things for H to keep connection to home (besides the convenience.) There are other things… I guess the new “phase of life” after me is not quite happening in the way H had envisioned.

Job, I’ve been thinking about growing resentment about this. And anger… I’m trying hard to process it and let it go. Your support is invaluable. I know I will get to the other side, I can feel it. I had this image in my head that I’m like a train, which was going solid and steady on the road of life. Then it got derailed and was on its side for some time. And now it is back on track, but it is picking up its speed very slowly. Too slow sometimes… But it is getting there…


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Bright,
Your train didn't derail, it's going up a mountain and it takes time to build up the pressure/steam to move along. You are the little engine that continued to say "I think I can, I think I can" until he made it to the top. This is how I see you.

Yes, you are going to have days that you feel resentment and anger. Try work through these emotions and let them go. You do not want them to fester and then explode when something small may occur.

We don't know what your h is thinking about these days. He may be sitting in a corner w/the shades pulled and only coming out to do his job. If he's depressed, he can't think about anything but himself and how he feels. He doesn't have the energy to think about what is going on in the world around him. When he is w/his friends, he very well may put on a happy face, but once he's alone, back in his room, that happy face is replaced w/the depressive one. It takes a lot of work to keep up the "happy" face for others.

Bright, you will know when it's time to build up steam and take the next boost up the mountain. No one can tell you how to do that or when. You are the only one that has the power to make that decision.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi, Bright,

First, I sincerely want to thank you for your post on my thread the other day. I believe I knew your intention was to support my standing. I love what you wrote above, in clarifying your post, and that each LBS needs to do this in their own time and their own way to grow and make the decisions they need to make. I admit, I was a bit taken aback by the encouragement I received to go ahead file myself....It bothered me to read that. I'm starting to dig deeper when I feel bothered. So I went and read a few poster's threads, thinking it would help me learn where they're each coming from. Doing that was very telling. They had some terrible things happen, obviously, and I could guess what they were trying to tell me based on their painful experiences, and on their growth. Knowing that only I know my own sitch 100%, I try to remind myself that others only see a tiny "snapshot" into my world. I'm trying not to take things personally, because I know people can come across through their writing differently than they intend. But, since everyone here has their own experience, too, and lived through different problems, I began to see that, although it was a blunt, direct, almost confrontational comment, I had to consciously choose to look at it from the perspective that someone was trying to show me another way to see my own sitch. I know I can get stuck in viewing things only one way. It is a very unique thing, this board. The different personalities and styles.... I choose to believe everyone is here to help. Whether they are or not, that's on them. Some of those styles are not my style...lol... But, often it is the different styles that make us uncomfortable enough to think differently. It opens our minds, if we can get past the hurt ego, ugh. Yeah, my ego hurts a lot. I seem to have added to my diet, a big helping of humble pie.

Second, I am sorry you sometimes feel "invisible" on the boards. That is an awful way to feel. I don't know for sure why some threads have more or less posts than others. I have followed you since I came here, but I haven't gone through your threads with that question in mind....so I'm not going to speculate. For me, I have noticed that when I'm just journaling, I may have less people post to my thread. But, when I struggle or ask specific questions, typically someone out there will contribute, or direct someone with that experience to contribute. BF, please don't assume your thread is less interesting, or that you need to be exciting to get help. There are insightful people here ready to jump in....just ask. And then if no one answers, bump and ask again. Might not be the timing you want, but I'm sure someone will chime in.

Ok, here's one other "theory", if you will....oftentimes, you will receive advice from job and bea, who are of the most knowledgable, educated people on MLC. They offer some of the best advice of everyone here. I know for me, when job or bea post to you, I ain't following that, lol!! I'll make more effort to let you know I'm following, if that would help. From what it seems, and gauging by the number of views listed for your threads, you have many, many people that follow. We can't really know why some post and some don't.

Your reference to MakingMagic made me laugh....somewhere there is a wall signed by all here who have beaten their heads against it... crazy

You are not stupid. <<<<<THAT is stinkin' thinkin'. You belong here as much as anyone else. No 2x4 from me.....Lovingly, I'm "wafting" a firm, but gentle slap....no, love-tap upside your head. You are hard on yourself. I get it, I am the same. Don't do that to yourself. You are one bright, sincere, caring, and loyal person. Hang in there, Bright. We can come out of it greater than before. (And I said "we", because I'm in it....ooohhhhh, I'm so in it. ).


((((Hugs)))))

Shining <3

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OMG, Shining! I totally didn't expect this. Thank you for validating my feelings and telling me that I’m not the only one to perceive things in certain way. I would probably do the same if something like that was posted on my thread, because I do appreciate all the opinions and try not to take things personally.

I’m not much of a person who journals, it just doesn't come easy to me. I process everything in my head and by time it could make it to the paper, it is kind of done. So, when I post, most of the time I want an opinion or a question answered. I always get the questions answered, that is for sure. I just don’t know if I just cannot get the point across when I need an opinion. My guess is that at this point of time there is not much that people can offer in terms of my sitch. And I probably seem to be pretty content most of the times. And I’m. There are moments when I need help, but I recognize that my sitch is a lot better than others on this board in terms of not dealing with the spews, not having little kids to take care of, not having financial issues (not anymore!), not being worried about H’s spending money like crazy (because he is not), not dealing with the feelings about OW (because there is not one I know about.) But, at the same time this means that I have waaaay too much time for “stinking thinking”.

Shining, thank you again for taking time to post your thoughts. Today is the day I can use some attention and care.

Surprisingly, I’m not feeling angry or down about the wedding today. I have some images running through my head. But, I’m pretty calm.

Job, I don’t know what it is, but I have the same picture about H. I don’t advertise this here, so not to get 2x4 every time, but I have access to a lot of stuff about H. I do check the credit cards periodically, to be sure that he is not going crazy about the money. What I’ve seen so far is that he’s been very conservative with the spending. He doesn’t take a lot of cash either. Unless he is having some other source of cash, I would say that he is pretty much just gets out there to work and eat. This is quite unusual, because he normally does golf and goes to the local concerts. There is no evidence of OW. Unless she is a sugar momma and spends money on him, LOL.

I also think that he is not that happy and that he is thinking about me today. My BIL who lives here is also at the wedding today. I hope he tells H about how wonderful it is to have holidays with me and my family and how all his friends now think how cool I am. That should rub some salt on H’s ego. I’m sure he misses all of it. I know that he told this to my other BIL (my sister’s H) in the text recently that he misses spending time with them.

My son is coming for dinner tonight. I’m glad he is not bothered by these weddings. He told me that he doesn't care. I hope it is true.
I will have a drink to the H’s niece tonight (without bringing it up) and I will try to let it go.


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S28 (my S from previous marriage)
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BD: 06/12
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