Maybell XI

[claire7]

Maybell,

Thinking about you a lot. Your compassionate and clear wisdom have been a true godsend to me these last few months. And it hurts my heart to think that it's hard for you to have that same compassion for yourself.

I was spending some time last night wandering around the MLC boards. (Don't ask why-- just went down a black hole!). But I realized that the tone on this board is much more my style-- let go of anger, work on yourself, be the best YOU you can be without analyzing or worrying about every little thing our crazy WAS do or say. We can't control them, or anyone else (especially adolescent daughters-- and I can give you plenty of pointers on that if you are interested!). But we CAN control ourselves.

I'm totally rambling right now, and I'm not responding in particular to something you posted, but just wanted to reiterate what the wise labug said-- focus on YOU YOU YOU. Your H is a wackadoodle right now (maybe forever??). And there is no sense trying to make sense of that.

It's so hard to not be hyper-tuned in to what they say and do (boy am I one to talk!), but the more we can tune it out, the easier this will all be and the stronger we will feel. I don't know if you or I can Bust our Divorce. But we CAN kick a$$ at life, no matter what gets thrown our way. We are here for you, Maybell. You are a rockstar. Go ahead and ROAR! (i have a story about that, too, by the way).
((( ))))

[claire7]

Here's my Roar story, by the way:

On the morning of my H's BD, we went as a family to a Halloween event. D3 was dressed as a lion. H took a GREAT pic of me and D3 that day (on my request, of course). I look great, she is adorable and roaring.

Then, we came home, put her down for a nap, and he told me he was leaving.

I look at that picture often. I am smart, beautiful, a great mom, and self-aware and STRONG enough to change for the better. (because g-d knows it takes a heck of a lot of strength to dig deep and change). Shortly after, I posted that pic on FB (before I even found DB), with the caption, "You're gonna hear me roar". To those who didn't know what was going on, it was a cute pic of my D. But to those who knew what was happening, I imagine they realized the double meaning. I made a promise to myself that I would survive this and come out STRONGER than ever.

And you know what? I think I can finally say I have ROARED, and it's been heard. He is a fool to leave me. And that will be his cross to bear should that be the end result.

Because us mama lions? We are going to WIN this thing called life in the end. You got this, Maybell-Lion.

[Maybell]

You betcha, Claire! And I love your story.

I'm getting there. Starting to feel more like myself, and very interested to see who I'm turning out to be. The idea of having strong boundaries that protect me really appeals. Taking off my ring and not hanging on my H's every glance, being my sunny self and having a life, and realizing I could be that person FREELY even though my H was in the room (during the long kid event today) -- that felt like a roar. I felt strong boundaries, "I will not feel inadequate because of your selfish choices," and it was such a relief.

Tomorrow, church and a small religious study that I'm interested in, an impromptu brunch with friends to celebrate the gorgeous fall weather, and I'll cap off the evening with a spy movie (finishing the book tonight). And I feel like myself.

I hope I can keep this up. Over drinks & dessert with friends tonight I felt a twinge of missing my actual husband, the charming guy I used to be married to. I hope that fella turns up and meets me someday. We would make a cute couple.

[labug]

Great post, MB!

But beware of this "I hope I can keep this up." Don't go there. Of course you won't be sunny delight 24/7 but stay in the moment. Some minutes, hours, days will be great, others won't. No matter what, you know that emotions change all the time.

Sounds like a full day. What movie?

[Maybell]

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. I finished the book this morning. Highly enjoyable but super tough to follow.

[Maybell]

I'm still ok but lonely for my family. Missing my kids and the good husband, and feeling like it's hard to do the right thing. But it's still the right thing.

Onwards!

[claire7]

Doing the right thing is often hard, no?

[Maybell]

Yes... The hardest part is remembering that I'm stepping back for my own well-being (and therefore should continue), rather than stepping back to make a point (and thus should stop).

I *am* doing this for me! to keep from losing myself in him.

Interestingly, he just posted a news article on Facebook showing that alcohol is the most damaging of the major drugs. I wonder to what that was apropos.

[Ss06]

Yes... The hardest part is remembering that I'm stepping back for my own well-being (and therefore should continue), rather than stepping back to make a point (and thus should stop).

It's funny how we sometimes have to remind our selves why we made certain decisions. LOL

What you said above is something I actually have to remind myself about H. He is stepping back to take better care of himself, something I don't think he's ever known how to do. EVER. I think there are some days he is actually doing it to make a point and those are the days he's short and aloof.

Anyway, I find it interesting that we often need to remember WHY we are doing what we're doing. Good for you, Maybell.

And like Claire, I have had a few ROAR moments. I think it's hard NOT to when all this stuff is going on and you have kids. Our natural instinct is to protect and preserve at ANY expense.

Keep ROARING. You're doing beautifully.

[Maybell]

Here's another interesting discovery... I'm not thrilled about the job I'm interviewing for Tuesday and when I asked my friend if I should cancel the interview, she gave me language I'm comfortable with to not let myself get pushed into something I don't want. It was that simple! Why couldn't I have done that for myself?