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shodan Offline OP
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Thanks Zew

As I think back over the past several weeks, I do feel like kicking myself. Specifically, I have definitely put too much pressure on her at times. I just need to BACK OFF and not talk about the A and M. She knows I disapprove of OM and that I will not live in an open M. no need to say anything again.

I know she is confused and just will need time and space, which I will give her by detaching and GALing. Time to just be confident, attractive, strong and happy.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
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shodan Offline OP
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My W just texted me and I quickly read the text to say "I am thinking about canceling my trip to NYC next week S7 broke his arm this AM" but she actually wrote "I am thinking about canceling my trip to NYC S7 broke my heart this AM". My son said something about my W traveling so much.

If I had read it correctly I would not have called her. However I read it to be the former so I jumped out of my meeting right away and called her to ask what happened. UGGH. So it looked like I wanted to hear her issues. Once she corrected me about what happened, I said "ok, I thought he broke his arm, I was very concerned, but I got it now, I need to run back to my meeting."

I wished that I had not called her and just read the text more closely.

Last edited by shodan; 09/10/14 04:14 PM.

Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
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Don't sweat the small stuff, sho. wink


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
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shodan Offline OP
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I spoke with my DB coach today. Her recommendation was not to go straight to filing for a D unless that is truly what I want. My W clearly has a lot of hurt and does not "trust" the changes that I have showed. My slip ups in the past two weeks (getting frustrated when she is texting, talking about the A, etc.) are not helping her see a safe road back to our M.

Her recommendations were:

- Show strength in what I can live with and what I cannot live with, but don’t talk about the A, texting, etc. anymore.
- Detach, but she recognizes that it is hard in the same house. Her view is that detaching is not being caught up in her every move, no more conversations about the R and the A, detach from the connection a little, and try to disconnect emotionally
- Be patient, do not file for D unless 100% mean it. My W wants time and pushing this will cause her to back away and get angry
- Do not compete with the other person
- Do not do anything that makes my W see me in a poor light. Similar to what everyone said here, be confident, be strong and be fun
- Going dark means focusing on myself, improving my life without her (aka getting more involved with friends, focus on the kids, focus on hobbies, focus on my job, focus on myself)
- Continue to focus on changing me...the big thing my W has mentioned is my controlling behavior, not just how I reached to the texting but to other things that I did in the past. She sees a lot of my Dad in me, which scares her. He is very controlling. I need to show my W that I am working on being less controlling.
- Do family stuff from time to time, but not a ton. It shows commitment to the family
- Her recommendation for my 180/what I do from here. (1) Don’t talk about A. (2) Don’t talk about texts. (3) don’t talk about R. (4) Don’t focus on my agenda, be more patient (5) Fix myself, work on myself
- Don’t show bitterness and anger
- Be a bit more mysterious, pull away a bit


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
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shodan Offline OP
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Last night I went back to my martial art for the first time in 3.5 months. It was a little weird to be back, but many folks told me that they had missed me. Felt good to hear that. I am not sure whether or not I will continue with it long term, but for now it gave me an hour during which I barely thought about my situation.

When I saw my W yesterday (before work, after work before going to the martial art), I was very positive, told her that what she was cooking smelled great but spent my time outside with my S7 throwing a baseball. I then hung out with my kids before I left for my class. When I got back my W asked how it went, I spoke briefly with her about it but nothing deep.

This morning I was again super positive, worked out in the morning and then went to work. Said a very nice "Have a great day" to my W as I left.

Some positive things to note:
- My W came home from NYC on last flight out on Tuesday night rather than stay until Wed
- She effectively promised my S7 that she will not travel next week (if she were in a full fledge A, would she spend the following week in Boston?)
- after she texted me to say she was going to try to not travel next week, I texted back a few hours later that "the kids definitely will appreciate that but we also understand that you have got to do what you have to do". She texted back “F this job” and I wrote back "sorry to hear that"
- She told me last night that the travel is killing her and she is frazzled.Not sleeping, super stressed, etc. I just listened and did not do anything to comfort her
- When I got back from martial arts last night, I noticed that she appears to have finished His needs, Her needs and re-read a letter I gave her a few weeks outlining my stance (aka I want to work on M, see more value to us in R than in D, but she is on her journey and needs to do what she needs to do, if we do decide to work on the M I will be fully committed but we need to forgive ourselves and each other and not dwell on the past, we both have a lot of decisions to make, etc.)

So, mostly positive signs but I am not reading into it. I will continue to march forward as a confident, strong, and fun man.

What will I continue to do:
- Detach, detach
- GAL
- Be confident, strong, fun and social
- Do not mention the A or the M/R
- Be kind, don’t be mean
- Be a great father
- Listen/talk when necessary, but don’t get too deep


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
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shodan Offline OP
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Update and some journalling...super limited contact with my W yesterday. After work, I went to an event at my kids' school until 8pm. I saw my W briefly from 545-630pm but had limited contact with her, mainly just played with my kids.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
S
shodan Offline OP
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Posts: 350
other things to note...I have been having a pretty good couple of days, really staying positive. At the school event, I talked to a bunch of people, was very social, made jokes, etc. Not that I want a D in my M, but I am getting closer to that being an OK result. I know that I will be fine either way. Of course, last night, I wanted to hold my W and just treat her like my W. But I could not do that. I need to detach.

I am seeing some changes in her. I have no idea whether or not she ended things with the OM. If I had to guess, she is cooling things with him, perhaps only texting. She is not traveling next week (or at least that is her plan) so if she really was in a full blown A I would not think she would go 10-12 days without seeing him.

I know this is mind reading and she likely is trying to keep me close so she has me as an option. But I continue to GAL and detach. GALing has been huge...gets my mind off of my situation, which improves my PMA. Off to see my IC soon and then am meeting a friend for dinner and drinks at 6pm. Will be good to laugh and just get out.

Tomorrow we have soccer for D10 but I think my W and I are going to separate yoga classes, so I think we will have somewhat limited contact. My plan at soccer is to be SUPER social and/or just play with S7 the whole time. Detaching feels good. Makes me feel stronger. More confident.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
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Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
YES, sho! You're getting it!!! Sounds like you're doing awesome, buddy. smile


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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PERFECT!!! cool whistle


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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shodan Offline OP
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Quick update...Friday I went out with my friend and told him the whole story. He was shocked and said that he and his W always count my W and I as the example of how a married couple should be. They always have discussed how great we are together and how they wanted to be more like us. Nice and at the same time really hard to hear.

I came home in time to see my kids. Came in the house super positive, told everyone that I had a great time. As we went to bed, my W was laying near me and put her hand on my arm and rub it, saying "I am glad you had fun tonight." She never touches me.

Sat morning we went to the same yoga class together but she was in front of me, not next to me. Before class started, I spoke with a friend of mine who sat next to me and my W kept trying to be a part of the convo. We went separately to my D10's game (I had to go somewhere before) and saw each other, but I sat away and talked with people. I then went to another yoga class later in the day and my W came as well. We talked a bit and had a good time. Then Saturday night I had made my family a dinner reservation at a local restaurant (my DB coach said to do family stuff to show I am a good, committed and strong father). My kids were not in the best mood before, so my W said that we should just go without them. I convinced the kids to come and we had a great time. When we got back, my W sat right next to me on the couch (touching me) and then went upstairs to change and came back down, put a pillow on my lap, and laid down on my to watch TV and read a magazine. I did not touch her although I wanted to.

This morning we did the same yoga class but she is with my D10 at a soccer game one hour away and I am coaching my S7 in soccer later today.

so all in all a good weekend. Probably too much interaction with my W and not enough detachment. Through it all, I remain super positive, super confident and am acting social and strong. My W even started talking to me about our next family trip.

I plan to stay the course, not mention the A and the texting and just be patient, showing her a strong, confident and fun Sho.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
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