need to GAL

[hope224]

I just had to vent. My H is making frustrating me. I moved out a week ago. He wanted to see the baby so i came over with the baby since he needed the car for the next day. I tried to avoid being intimate this this week after baby and i got back from vacation. He tried to pursue the last time i was over but I refused. This time, he tried again, even though he had apologized for being inappropriate the last time. Then, I got snoopy when he went to shower. He had been seeing someone and had been constantly messaging her on Facebook, which is why he probably deleted me and his mother. And they had sent pictures to each other too. And they have already seen each other because they had a picture of them together. I was just disgusted. It took a lot of strength to avoid confronting him. But, i saw on the message thathe was driving 6 hrs today to see her. That's why he needed the car. The sad part is that the baby got sick last night so obv i end up doing everything for the baby. Since the separation, I've taken care of the baby so there is more stability. It just hurts that he would sacrifice time just to see some random girl that he met and has no time to spend with baby. He even went to the gym super early to go spend a few hrs with the OW . Looks like she doesn't want him to spend the night there, so he may be driving back, on a weekend. I broke Sandi ' s rule but no more intimacy with this insensitive person. Surprisingly, it didn't hurt me that much but it is sad that his impulses are more important than his own baby. Sorry, I just had to vent somewhere so i could resist my urge to text my mother in law.

[FunDad]

I'm so sorry. Your man is being immature and selfish, and unfortunately it sounds like he has your soft heart completely bound up in all this. Bottom line: If you want change, you can NOT let him have the best of both worlds (You and the life he is hiding). Why would he give up anything? It's going to take strength, determination, and courage. I'm so so so sorry. I tear up everytime I see someone having to start this, cause it's so painful, tormenting, and hard to detach, but for your own sanity and well being you MUST. I guess at least you are getting sex still, but really it's not worth it in the long run because relationships are much more than that - unless that's all you want from him (fwb?). Do you really feel safe with this guy? Do you feel yourself turning into a control freak?
You can't let him own your mind like the way he does now. I made the mistake of turning too much of my well being over to my spouse, and she trounced it. I know it's hard, so hard. Keep reading the stories here. Be patient. You will grow stronger and wiser.

[hope224]

Thank you for understanding fundad. We were fwb for some time but I didn't feel comfortable about it after a while. That intimacy moment was just out of control. I want aware of the OW at that point and found out after that, which [censored]. No more snooping and no more sex. I should make sure he only talks to me regarding the baby. It's just so disappointing when the man who loved you is sensing romantic messages and gestures to someone who he just met. And also when he puts other people before his own daughter. All day he hasn't even texted to ask if his daughter is feeling better, ugh.its been 2 months of this craziness but I'm trying to be patient and wait the next 4 months to see if he really wants a relationship with his daughter. Having a baby makes this harder than it should be. I guess I was the only one who took my vows seriously. But, you are right that he is immature and taking advantage of this situation. This all started because I lied about hooking up when I was in college. He claims he lost trust in me after he found out. And mostly, he just regrets not doing it(since he thinks that's what normal people do). And then, throughout the year, he made more excuses about me. He said we didn't do anything, just stayed home blah blah and didn't agree that my pregnancy had anything to do with the changes. I feel that it's his regrets so he just needed a reason to get out of this M. Having the baby complicated this for him.i think he got early mlc and cold feet about the adult responsibilities. I'm done making things easier for him and babying him. He can find someone else to talk to about his life. I feel like a single mom already. I just have to be strong for my D. When she grows up and ask me questions on this, I want her to know I tried everything and that he didn't deserve us.

[FunDad]

It seems to me that there is some real hope for this if you two can get some good MC. There is no reason he has to stop enjoying his life. He must stop enjoying OW however. Something real simple is setting up a boundary until he can be honest with himself, and you. That would be best done by working it out with a MC. Don't nag him or be emotional, just be a matter of fact. And follow through. Don't have any more kids until he grows up btw. :-)

[hope224]

H and I are only legally 'married' because of my immigration status. He is mentally single and has told me that he can do whatever he wants and that we aren't together anymore. Marriage counseling is not an option. He thinks he is right and he is done. He says I'm all to blame and he wishes he never met me. I had set the boundary mentally and was able to achieve success with it the past few weeks but I swayed last night. Then, I saw that he was communicating with ow. Looks like this relationship started last week or 2. Tonight, I let my feelings hey the most of me. I went through cheese less tunnels and got what I always get when I do that. I was mad thinking that he hasn't spent much time with the baby. It made me mad since he went to bed early last night so he could wake up early and drive 6 hrs out of town to see his ow. But, all week, he had seen the baby for 4 hrs. So I started texting since the baby had fever and cold. I went into mommy mode and told him she needed her dad to be there for her and that he is always gone. Of course, he told me I make him feel like a piece of sh*t and how he hates me and wishes he never had to deal with me. He was so furious that he even tthreatened me by saying he is fine not seeing the baby if that means he doesn't have to see me. What a di*k. Well the. He calls back and tells me he wants to see her. I tell him she needs someone who can keep his promises he made for her. Too emotional, shouldn't have done it. Acc to the book, I did everything wrong on this text and call. I'm just so disappointed that he puts himself before the baby. At this point, I'm not even thinking right. I'm not looking at the bigger picture and I just feel like raising my white flag without thinking about what may happen if I sign the papers. I need to do some research on immigration status and custody. I'm just so hurt and my daughter deserves better.im just a mess today.

[hope224]

I was just thinking of what I can do in this dire situation, just replaying the texts and phone conversation. I remember reading in DB that compliments will encourage S to do more positive actions and criticisms will do the opposite. That seems to be what happened. H claimed I only call to make him feel like [censored]. Hew also added that I never call or text with something nice to say to him. How can I when i have to do everything while he goes throw money on strippers and OW? I tried complimenting on spending time with D sometimes but saw no reaction bur he is obviously bothered when I remind him that his daughter needs someone who will be around.

[MrBond]

"bur he is obviously bothered when I remind him that his daughter needs someone who will be around."

This is something you don't do. You can't "guilt" him into coming back.

In the past, did you not compliment him? Did you take him for granted?

[hope224]

I've complimented him about making time for D on the past with hopes he will make efforts to spend time with her. Not much progress with that.Oh, i want trying to come back to me or stay with me. I was trying to get him to be around for his daughter and tale care of her once in a while instead of him making excuses about work or being busy at the gym(trying to train for a show) or always being out of town.
I take care of her after work and weekends. He sees her when it's convenient for him for onlya couple of hours. And I have to hhaul her to the apartment because he doesn't want to run into my friends that I'm staying with. I'm not going above and beyond to suit his needs anymore.
But, i guess i am trying to guilt him into spending time with D.

[MrBond]

That's not what I meant. I mean BEFORE everything happened, did you encourage him? Did you praise his efforts and achievements? Men need to feel pride in what they do. Think about when you were dating. You probably encouraged him alot. Did that stop after you got M? You haven't been married that long, so I'm trying to think if something had changed.

[hope224]

I think I did. I told him he was a great dad even when he doubted himself. But, maybe he has a different recollection. We had a rough time financially since we moved when I was pregnant and I had no idea our marriage was spiraling out of control. But, after the baby it seemed that he was helping out with baby and I would comment on how happy I was that he bonded with the baby so well. I was so happy and had no idea what thoughts were lurking in his head. Fast forward 2 months after the baby, we moved back to the state we moved away from so he could work out of town and provide for us. I kept telling him that I really appreciated how hard he worked for us. But, H has history for depression and anxiety, his while family has it. And no he won't admit it or see a doctor for it. Then about 2 months after working out of town, we had an argument about something stupid and I moved my stuff to the other room since I was so angry. I don't even rmb. Then he just lost it and told me it was over and he was done. He told me on the phone that he keeps thinking all day at work about negative things even though they have not happened and gets mad at me. And I had been so exhausted looking after the infant, I probably missed all signs. He keeps telling me it's because he wanted the Bachelor life before he met me and when he met me he thought he didn't need it. But after he found out I used to hook up with some guys, he thought I framed him into marrying me. So, i guess it made his vows invalid and the love we had was conditional.
The things I probably did wrong g were:
1) compare myself with my friends success.he has been working at a job he hates for almost 8 years. I have tried not to push him into anything since I didn't want him to feel pressured.but, I have a college degree and done nothing with it since I got pregnant.
2) he complained we didn't do anything together, that I wasn't as fun. He wants to go drinking every weekend. I told him I was pregnant but he insists it was before being pregnant that I became that way.
3) we didn't do much intimacy wise, but again I was pregnant and I feel as though I did try to make time for us time. We would often take showers together.
4) he said I changed after getting married. I think I've been forced to change certain aspects but I'm still very career driven as i was when I met him.

Despite all this, I know he has mentioned he wants to have physical relations with other girls, he has suggested open relationship and a three some during the initial period he brought up the divorce word. I begged and pleaded tried to bargain so he would not give up on the M. He agreed since I cried so much but I knew he just said it to calm me down. So, I can't even figure out what went wrong. He has already moved on. He told me he didn't want to date for a while and just hook up with people. But, he obviously went on a date yesterday. And the gut wrenching part is that he kissed me and initiated intimacy the night before. But today, I had a panic attack. What if he has an std. He told me he hadn't been with anyone and I should trust him hut his track record isn't great anymore. But, this is mistake on my part. His OW is a Russian girl who is here to work on vacation and it's known that they work in that area as strippers and what not at night. So it worries me even more that he may accidentally transit hpv or something to the baby. Earlier today, I told him that he needs to get tested for stds before he kisses the baby and he told me he only has a sore throat.
I have already detached from him physically. I don't cry infront of him. I'm usually happy and chirpy when I see him too. Even when he gets moody, I don't let it affect me or I leave. I have a job that i just started so I'm helping him pay bills. But I don't want to since he is spending money on strippers and driving and hotel and gas and buying food for OW while I'm here buying things for baby.

Ok now I'm just rambling. I'm trying to read some other forums too, to help with 180s. I'm letting my emotions get the best of me.thanks for the input. I can't really talk to anyone else.