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If I only had as good of advice for myself....haha


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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updates!?!


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 681
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LisaB Offline OP
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Thanks for checking in on me pilot! Not much to report.

After our day moving together the WAH has been texting friendly but just chatting not saying much. He did give me an excellent compliment related to one of my GAL/180 activities so I feel good about that.

He left one last thing at my house so he came to pick it up. Interestingly he called instead of texting. Wonder why, that is definitely something different and this is now the 3rd time he has done that.

Instead of my usual being out when he came by I made a point to be there. He smelled like booze I think, and this is the 3rd time I've seen him when I detect the smell of a hangover. This is somewhat new for him, he seems to be drinking and partying more than when we were together. Usually he goes for a hug. This time nothing. Me either. I wonder if I am in the friend zone. Before he arrived I said I was heading out soon. I'm not sure if I rushed him on his way but he seemed to be in a hurry.

The last two times I saw him he had his work bag with him. Since both times he was (likely) not headed to or from work, I assume he did not go home the night before (plus there was the booze smell) and that is why he has his work bag with him. I mentioned it this time and he said he was headed to work (on Saturday). Not sure if I believe him. It doesn't matter but is just interesting.

There were a few other times recently that I think he lied or tried to deflect when I noticed something related to him dating. For example, I commented on all the wine bottles at his house and he deflected and said something about how his mom was there and drank a lot. (max 1 bottle so what about the other 9?) I also noticed cigarette butts on his balcony and he said "oh they are probably from the workers" (do the workers wear red lipstick?). The cigs could also be from his sister, she smokes. But the unlikely comment about the workers makes me think he is knowingly covering up a date.

It might sound like I am complaining about these things, I'm not. I also didn't mention these things to him in an accusatory way, just casual conversation. I find it interesting that when I comment on something clearly related to him dating he lies or deflects so as to pretend it is something else. I wonder why he does this as he has told me straight out that he is dating, and thinks I am too. It seems he either does not want to upset me or does not want me to know. Don't know why.

So yeah, nothing much to report.

Now that his stuff isn't at my house anymore he doesn't have that excuse to contact me. So it will be interesting to see what happens. Now if he wants to see me he will either have to come up with a reason or just ask me to hang out. We'll see. I'm going to continue to do what was working before which is NC unless he contacts me, then reply friendly.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!
Hugs, Lisa

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Originally Posted By: LisaB
Thanks for checking in on me pilot! Not much to report.

After our day moving together the WAH has been texting friendly but just chatting not saying much. He did give me an excellent compliment related to one of my GAL/180 activities so I feel good about that.


Great! This is a good positive.
Quote:

He left one last thing at my house so he came to pick it up. Interestingly he called instead of texting. Wonder why, that is definitely something different and this is now the 3rd time he has done that.


no way of knowing why. But again, a positive he called.


Quote:

The last two times I saw him he had his work bag with him. Since both times he was (likely) not headed to or from work, I assume he did not go home the night before (plus there was the booze smell) and that is why he has his work bag with him. I mentioned it this time and he said he was headed to work (on Saturday). Not sure if I believe him. It doesn't matter but is just interesting.


You are letting negative emotions create scenarios and doubt. Since you do not know for sure his work schedule, he could very well be telling the truth. Making assumptions otherwise just affects your mood and behavior negatively.

Quote:

There were a few other times recently that I think he lied or tried to deflect when I noticed something related to him dating. For example, I commented on all the wine bottles at his house and he deflected and said something about how his mom was there and drank a lot. (max 1 bottle so what about the other 9?) I also noticed cigarette butts on his balcony and he said "oh they are probably from the workers" (do the workers wear red lipstick?). The cigs could also be from his sister, she smokes. But the unlikely comment about the workers makes me think he is knowingly covering up a date.


Ok, be really careful about assumptions on this. I know you are not making hard assumptions but just journalling. But I want you to consider, well, me and my actions compared to your H on this. You want to think your H is having dates at his house because there is lipstick on cigarettes and wine and beer bottles he does not want to explain. It is very likely your H was not having date nights but had friends over. He may have not wanted to have to explain that to you because he was afraid of how you would take it. He may have had NOTHING date related, but knew there was circumstantial evidence laying around which would cause you to THINK he was, and therefore wanted your mind to wander (much as I did with my W and you did to your H) Or he may have had a date, but regrets you finding out about it or wants to keep you from knowing about it as much as possible for any number of reasons. Just think of what YOU would have said 2 weeks ago if you had a few random friends over (guys included) and your H saw bottles and other assorted things around your place and asked you about it. How would you have played that off?



Quote:


Now that his stuff isn't at my house anymore he doesn't have that excuse to contact me. So it will be interesting to see what happens. Now if he wants to see me he will either have to come up with a reason or just ask me to hang out. We'll see. I'm going to continue to do what was working before which is NC unless he contacts me, then reply friendly.



I am sure he will continue contact with you. Your H does not in any way seem ready to walk away from you completely. He obviously still has feelings for you based on prior interactions with him. It will be interesting on how he choses to initiate contact with you. Just make sure your road home looks smooth enough to help him make that contact.

Have a great weekend!


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 681
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LisaB Offline OP
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Thanks pilot! You are the best as usual!

Good points you make there. I know he has had dates over to his house, yes, indeed I know for a fact. But he doesn't know I know. He is sleeping with one woman he met online and OW still I believe and possibly more. So hence all my assumptions. But honestly as you say I was mostly just sharing and really there is nothing I can do about it so I don't really let it bother me.

His mom gave me a gift just a few months ago, a photo for the wall that says "home is where the heart is". Shortly after BD I put it away in his boxes. I am pretty sure you can see why I wouldn't want this anymore... Apparently he found it when unpacking. He sent me an email with a photo of it and "ahem". WTF. How am I supposed to reply to that?

Can he really be so clueless? "Ahem"? what the f... I don't even know what that means.

Any ideas? I guess I can ignore it but I am not sure if that sends a negative message?

Hugs, LisaB

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Totally ignore it. What on earth could you say? Nothing constructive. Nor was his email constructive or even remotely showing emotional intelligence. Let it go.

You sound like you're doing really well!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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yea, let it go. You are doing well and it sounds like your mood is better. Keep up the positive things that work and stay away from stuff which is not going to help!

Or you can just reply to his email and tell him you want him to hang that picture where his heart is. hah


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 681
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LisaB Offline OP
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Thanks Maybell and pilot, I didn't respond. I have no idea what I would say anyway.

Today am back to GAL-o-rama selfish mode. I just don't know if I want him back. Went to a few parties in the last few days and met new people including some very interesting men. No dates, no nothing, but just made me think. I was talking to one guy (and his girlfriend) for quite a while - the guy was so sexy, smart, outgoing and terrific. I found myself comparing him to my WAH. My H is not so outgoing, not as smart, and this guy was so very cute. I thought, hmmm I'd rather be with a guy like this, why am I trying so hard to hold on to my WAH?

These sexy, funny, smart guys are out there. So why am I fixated on the one that is being a total ASS to me? The one that broke my heart and doesn't give a crap about me. The one who slept with his slutty young coworker and said she is better than me in every way? The one who is dating every woman in town. The one who has lost all the things I liked about him to begin with.

Sometimes I wonder if I only want him back to win. For my ego.

Well, that is my story for Sunday. Hope everyone is having a good weekend!
Hugs, Lisa

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I have an idea of where he could stick that picture...

As for noticing other guys and thinking about what you really want -- I think that is very healthy. I've found myself doing the same thing. Why would we want someone back who doesn't want us, who actively wants others, and then might only eventually return and maybe or maybe not stick around. It's lame.

Of course, I'm hoping (even though I know better) for the big revelation that he's been a jerk, loves me like crazy, and respects me for standing by him during his MLC, and then cue the big second honeymoon phase. But that's pure fantasy. I know it would be a LOT of hard work to restore a relationship with him.

So yes, it probably would be a lot easier to start over with someone else, and maybe now we have a better idea of the kind of person we should be with. HOWEVER, there are no guarantees there either. And we could meet someone fantastic who, a few years down the road, turns out the same way.

There are no guarantees either way. Makes me want to be a celibate cat lady some days...


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
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Originally Posted By: LisaB
My H is not so outgoing, not as smart, and this guy was so very cute. I thought, hmmm I'd rather be with a guy like this, why am I trying so hard to hold on to my WAH?


Careful Lisa. Isnt this exactly what the WAS thinks about the LBS prior to BD? And isnt this the thinking we are trying so hard to undo in them?

Quote:
These sexy, funny, smart guys are out there. So why am I fixated on the one that is being a total ASS to me? The one that broke my heart and doesn't give a crap about me.




So after all your efforts to convince your H that the grass is not always greener, you are going to fall into the same trap?

I am not trying to 2x4 ya. I know exactly where your thinking comes from. I just want to do for you what I wish someone would have done for me a few weeks ago. Get you off that line of thinking. A M takes work, a R takes work. We know this. Remember, your H was the light of your eye not long ago. HE was the greenest grass. Somewhere along the way, you found the dark patches in that lawn. This smart funny guy you met, and others you will meet, have their own bad grass.

Again, I do not want to sound harsh on you. Youve been through a lot and I totally get why your patience is worn down. I just want to help you find that extra bit of energy to keep going because as hard as this is, our next R should it be with someone else, is going to get just as hard, if not harder once that honeymoon period wears off.


Quote:

Sometimes I wonder if I only want him back to win. For my ego.


Very possible. But I am sure there is more to you than just ego.

Wishing you the best! smile


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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